Hello, friends. I have some dark secrets to show to you today. I broke into the secret government tunnels below the Lincoln Memorial where they store Hilary Clinton's spare wigs and made a shocking discovery.

A lost record that shows us all the dark truth.

The Republican National Convention only exists so that Ron Paul can use his Warlock powers to absorb the souls of other Republicans to maintain his youth, thus making him immortal. That's why all Republican candidates have gray hair.

Photographic Evidence: