Gizmo

It's been quite some time since I posted that ._.", and since then I have played it. I won't say it was really scary (I did play it in the dark, and volume on high), but I did enjoy the story line very much.

That's not entirely true, I know LOTS of stories in second person with lots of characters, and some with too many characters, and they're all not written in the "choose your fate" sense.

Well If you're doing present tense maybe second person would be more of an ally than third person perspective. In Third person and even First it's usually written in past tense, but that's just my opinion. Also Hat is really right about all of that development stuff, was about to mention that as well XD

Well there's your problem, you're mixing up the present tense with a past tense narrative. It's not your writing that's your problem it's your grammar, that's all. Take your first sentence for example which sounds more natural: "Shade watches with a smile as the two fillies talk, after the incident at the wedding almost two weeks ago he’s happy to see things peaceful and back to normal again." Or "Shade watched with a smile as two fillies talked, after the incident at the wedding almost two weeks ago he was happy to see things peaceful and back to normal again." Hope I could help you out a bit