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碇 シンジン

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Blog Entries posted by 碇 シンジン

  1. 碇 シンジン

    Too kind.

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    Hi I just wanted to tell you how I feel.
     
     
    I'm kind. I'm helpful. I'm always there to make other people happy? right? That is great isn't it? It is great but I don't have my own life. I feel that I live just for other people. I realized this while ago. It is affecting me strongly very strongly.
     
    When I think about it I don't really have opinions on anything. I don't listen music. Everything I think I try to think the way it is best for all people. It can be seen if you put me in position where I have to make decisions. I tell you one story:
     
    I was in one place where my parents took me from time to time. There were 2 children there boy and a girl. They always disagreed on almost everything and I tried to please both of them. Then there were this one situation where they asked me which thing I want to do the boy wanted to play computer game and the girl wanted something I don't remember what and we would do the thing that I decided. It doesn't seem to be very hard situation, but it was really hard.
     
    I first said "I don't know" but then they kept telling me that I need to decide I didn't want to upset either one of them so I said I don't know again. They continued pressuring me then I started crying. Then I realized how hard it was to me to voice my own opinion I just couldn't do it I wanted to play computer game then but I suppressed that opinion for the sake of other peoples needs.
     
    I have always done it like that I suppress my own opinions and try to make everyone feel better for my own expense. Truth is its hurting me. People rarely express that they like things that I do they rarely say that I'm good and I'm great. and because I value myself based on that feedback that I havent been getting I value myself to zero. No feedback = No value . It shouldn't be like this but sadly it is.
     
    I CANNOT hurt other people that is one thing that I take very seriously if I somehow manage to do that I drop down very deep. It is impossible to please everyone but I'm still somehow trying to do that. And if people that are close to me even joke on me I get very upset about it. I can't take criticsism because I feel that they are insults.
     
    I have no interest in anything I always have some little interest growing in something but it flops because I realize after a while that I am alone and then I quit. I quit because I have no reason to be interested in something if someone else isn't and I can't share my kindness with them.
     
    I maybe forgot something from here but I hope you can understand something
  2. 碇 シンジン
    You maybe wondered why I've brohoofed your posts of why I brohoof so many posts here is the deal.
     
    If you think that your post was nothing special when you get a brohoof from me read this:
     
    I think this way: Every post is special you shouldn't think your post wasn't because it gives me a different perspective of the situation YOUR perspective and even if the post wasn't a "worth" of a brohoof it shows me that you've cared about the topic enough to try to think about it and I want to encourage trying and even if it fails. And I think everyone is doing the right thin by posting here I don't brohoof trolls or insults because I don't want them to continue that. I brohoof posts where the poster has shown that he thought about the topic and gave his opinion or experiences even if it was 1 word.
     
    I want encourage those posters who are shy like me and show them that I care about their posts and I want them to continue.
     
     
    If I get a brohoof from someone I don't think that my post was nothing special I think that I was being noticed, someone knows that I'm here, someone cares about me. IRL no one notices me and I think that is the reason why I feel so good when someone notices me here. Some people might think that I don't read the posts I brohoof but I try read and understand them all. I maybe not understand the meanings behind the posts but if I see that the poster has put effort into it I want to respect that.
     
     

  3. 碇 シンジン

    My friend :(

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    *sigh*
     
    When I was 7 years old I went to the first grade. First days I was lonely there I went and sat near this tree all day. Then some kids came and yelled me something I cried and ran away.
     
    I cried 3 days at home and didnt go to school. After that I went back I'm not sure what teacher had told the class but they acted differently around me and after that day they always were like that. I was still pretty lonely but then there was this 1 guy. I dont remember how I met him but we talked sometimes. He had other friends also so I was still quite lonely.
     
    I tried making friends. I went to play soccer with them and other games, but it wasnt for long until they saw me crying and I became more distant to them I cried always in pressure situations and other kids didnt so they became more distant to me.
     
    My only friend was that one guy i talked about earlier he was willing to distant himself from others to be with me. His other friendships were suffering and when we went to 7th grade. He was only with me.
     
    We always had fun time in classes and laughed. We always were on the other corner of the room than others. I miss that time i never had so much fun and i dont think I will
     
    When the 9th grade came and it was time to choose where we go continue our studies he chose different school than me. After that I've seen him only couple times hanging out with his new friends while im still alone tear fell down on my cheek it makes me wonder
     
    What is my issue?
  4. 碇 シンジン

    Inhale

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    I have been member here half a year now and lot of things have happened. I have accomplished some good things that make me happy and I have learned many things from this community. I have seen different people and I've been able to connect with them. I've also made mistakes and I've learned from them or at least I think I've learned from them.
     
    Before I joined here I was shy reserved boy who had no idea who he was. I hid my feelings inside of me and they were my secrets. When I joined here I saw the light that shined here from this community and I was able to connect like never before. It was new for me to write messages and realize that you all are actually real persons. Often times before I made multiple accounts on sites and chatted with myself pretending I had friends because I had none.
     
    Here I knew that this place holds something special something beyond normal forums. No matter what other forums I browse I cannot get the same feeling that I get from browsing here. I just often get depressed from other forums there are rarely any smiles and most of the posts are intented to be some kind of jokes. but Here people are like a big family.
     
    I'm not the same pony anymore who I was when I joined here these days I care about people I interact with and seeing people happy makes me happy too. Seeing drama and sad people makes me worry too. I was holding myself back so much and I see it now I was only a shadow, a shadow of a shining sun of happiness that I could be.
     
     
    I can say that I'm a better person today than I was 6 months ago.
     
    A big weight has been lifted off from my chest You all are the best friends I could ever hope for
     

  5. 碇 シンジン

    bye for now

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    well i think i'll need some time off from this site . interface here has grown against me and my habit of being and it interferes my posting abilities i, i also sense too much unhsppiness around in near me and i need to breathe
     
    though i will miss welcoming new happy members here most since it really brightens my day to greet them so i might still come in and greet them sometimes though postingh topicsand posts feels too tough because of the stuff going on wit my posts
     
    i come back when i fel more happy but i'll be in skype and deviantart under the same name if anyone needs me
  6. 碇 シンジン
    Hello, about these times last year, a shy boy from Finland came into this happy site of MLP Forums, I didnt know what to do or what to say, I had no friends I was depressed lonely bullied and nothing was working. I had found MLP during summer and I had heard bronies were good people. So I decided to try MLP Forums in order to find some new friends.
     
    It all started quite quietly So to say
     
     

    But wait "My Favourite Mane 6 Pony: Fluttershy"
     
     
    I liked Fluttershy first I saw lot myself in her and I was shy like she was but only difference was that she had friends I didn't. I was quite surprised I got many welcomes in that thread of mine. I still was quite shy and afraid to make any posts really. I made first status update "I like silence" as the time passed I made some random posts somewhere. I had my two first friends I think Gone Airbourne and JamesBobbyJrReed
     
    Then i saw thread Rarity fan club I saw there was many posts in there and I though how Rarity has so much more than others, then I checked the place out and made one post there I saw people liked the post and were friendly to me then I posted there more I got always bit more and more comfortable.
     
    I still felt out of place and I felt I didnt belong in the group so I felt that maybe maybe if I knew the history I could fit in better, so I read every post posted in that thread it took maybe week or more but I felt little better but I still couldn't be myself I felt bit insecure.
     
    In october or november I decided to start welcoming new people in welcoming plaza threads. I remembered how happy I was when I was welcomen I felt that I need to be there for other ponies. And be their friend support them and make them feel that they belong.
     
    Christmas passed I felt more comfortable already but not yet 100% I continued and I think it was around february or January when I was super happy and I started using the smiley emoticons Because they made me feel happy.
     
    I got more and more comfortable and i had made many good friends but I felt still insecure and the end of march I finally started feeling better but then I saw my good friends Obsidian Sky and ghostfacekiller39 left the site. I didnt know what was going on I was quite devastated two of my great and wonderful friends now out of my reach.
     
    I felt comfortable posting at that time but I still had to cope with the loss It took couple months and I saw my friends SCS and Aquila left too I didnt know what to do . I just kept moving forward.
     
    Not too long ago I started personally greeting everyone into the forums I just felt that welcoming threads werent enough because not everyone made them.
     
    and now I'm here these days I can truly be happy here with all of my friends and have smile on my face it is because you all are absolutely fantastic and lovely people thank you everyone.
     
    Here is photo of me and my hair, I cant let my fears hold me back anymore!!!!

     
  7. 碇 シンジン
    Alright lets compare these 7 characters with some of these stats: Press images to view full size

    Lines said in total
     
    Twilight Sparkle 3 029
    Pinkie Pie 2 096
    Rainbow Dash 1 981
    Applejack 1 842
    Rarity 1 707
    Fluttershy 1 453
    Spike 1 357






    Words said in total  
    Twilight Sparkle 36 768
    Pinkie Pie 22 740
    Rarity 21 413
    Rainbow Dash 21 207
    Applejack 20 572
    Fluttershy 15 364
    Spike 14 923






    Episodes where spoke  
    Applejack 91
    Twilight Sparkle 90
    Pinkie Pie 84
    Rainbow Dash 83
    Rarity 82
    Fluttershy 78
    Spike 70






    Episodes where spoke over 100 words  
    Twilight Sparkle 80
    Applejack 58
    Rainbow Dash 58
    Rarity 54
    Pinkie Pie 49
    Fluttershy 42
    Spike 33






    Sentences said in total  
    Twilight Sparkle 5 376
    Pinkie Pie 3 706
    Rainbow Dash 3 560
    Rarity 3 160
    Applejack 3 086
    Spike 2 747
    Fluttershy 2 454
     

  8. 碇 シンジン

    fuel

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    im 18 year old im a boy. i like to play with toys i like to watch kids shows and cartoons.
     
    i dont watch any shows that contain verbal or physical violence or attacks. i dont play those kind of games either. i've tried them and watched the shows and played those games so i can try to fit in with the other kids.
     
    im not like the other kids. i noticed that after watching those shows and displaying that kind of media. it always let me with this same feeling. i felt that something is out of place.
     
    it is not correct it is not innocent. it makes me feel depressed inside and i dont like it one bit. then i one happy day started watching the cute innocent show of my little pony. the show showed me the light out of the darkness and when i delved deeper into it i felt happy.
     
    happy like never before i want to be happy. colored pony cuties make me happy. i dont like violence its unhappy
  9. 碇 シンジン
    Ok this is me and how MLP Forums helped me!
     
    I have been trying to fit into the society my entire life. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I didn't want any attention into myself. I didn't realize back then that only way I would fit in was to not to fit in. So I was pushed away from groups and I ended up standing in corners quietly and sitting alone in somewhere. I was always alone. No one noticed me.
     
    When I tried to say something to someone they were like I didn't say anything. That hurt me and I started thinking myself that I am no one. I am not wanted. I went deeper into my shell. I started to get depressed because I was bullied being different. I still didn't realize that because I tried to not to be different that was my difference compared to others. I stopped eating at school. My health started getting worse. No one talked to me people just watched me and laughed. I was just trash that people kicked away. I wasn't accepted.
     
    I started going deeper into myself and getting my shell stronger. I was just a machine. There were not any emotions on my face anymore. I didn't react to bullying anymore. I stopped reacting to anything. I didn't smile. I didn't cry, but I was crying still inside. I locked myself and my emotions so deep that no one would ever judge me because of them again! It got so bad that I thought jumping off from a bridge once
     
    Then one sad day. It was just normal day. On my Swedish class when the break started I stayed at class with some other students. Then teacher put that one TV:Show rolling on the screen. It was talk show and the guest was a brony. He was asked why he liked the show. My teacher laughed at him. Then I started wondering why this guy goes to talk show willingly when he was only mocked there. I realized that there had to be something bigger behind this.
     
    I started watching the show and I loved it. Fluttershy was the character I could relate. I watched all the episodes. Then I thought: "That's it?" I wanted more! I started searching something from the Google and I saw MLP Forums. I was checking this site out from June to August. I created account here 11 day of August! I started posting 18 day. It took me while to realize how great this place actually is. This place is heaven. Everyone is friendly and accepting and I realized that I don't need to hide in my shell anymore! It was 13 years since I was last time myself.
     
    This time I didn't want to be like everyone else. This is the only place where I am something and not just no one. This is the only place where I can be. I don't want to be no one anymore.
     
    I'm starting to loosen up a little IRL too and because of this I'm no longer so deep in myself.
  10. 碇 シンジン
    I decided to practise some css for my upcoming school project

    I put this style out in https://userstyles.org/styles/113021/mlp-forums-purple if someone wants to test it out You can install it there by downloading stylish from https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/stylish/fjnbnpbmkenffdnngjfgmeleoegfcffe?hl=en
     

     
    I know its bit weird but i tried to put it so you dont have to scroll so much on the index page. If you want the normal index page delete everything after line 897
     
    If you have any suggestions for improvement im happy to hear them
     
    EDIT:
     
    I changed this a bit better and removed the hovering thing It's now just a normal Purple skin =)
  11. 碇 シンジン
    I have wondered this for a long time. Am I really the person I'm being here or am I the person that I am IRL.
     
    I can't be both because they are totally different. Here I can be open I can share my thoughts and be happy. IRL I don't share anything I don't talk I'm always alone and at misery.
     
    I have wondered who I am for 10 years and I haven't found answer, but lately when I joined here the difference between my IRL behaviour and behaviour here has grown bigger. And that really puts me in weird situation. I try here to be strong, kind and helpful. I also want to share my feelings and thoughts and that feels good. IRL I just sit alone not interacting with anyone.
     
    I feel like my body is preventing me for doing things that I would like to do like speaking to others and etc. Maybe it is because I've been put into this mould which is made of social pressure. I feel like I can't express myself at all through that shield that I've made. I can't dig up and express my emotions anymore they are too deep. I don't know how can I beat this. Am I really the type of person I am IRL? Am I just pretending nice here or am I really like this? Why it's still feeling good if I'm pretending?
     
    I don't know the answers. I know nothing. I just wish I could be like you are. Free and able to express yourselves I'm just rock outside and I'm not sure what is inside. Our teacher told us about depression at school one day and she showed what are signs of depression. It was called IDC10 I think and I got score 10 and that meant heavy depression.
     
    But I don't feel depressed when I'm here I only feel when I'm at school or not here. You guys probably don't understand me but I just wanted to share this.
  14. 碇 シンジン
    So Rarity the white unicorn pony has said 1700 lines and 3149 sentences in the show so far. She hast spoken at all in 20 of the episodes=) So she has spoken in 81 episodes. Lets see some happy stats
     
    Seasons rank following by the lines per episode average:
     
    1. Season 1 is best season of Rarity so far she said about 23,15 lines per episode and had only 3 episodes without a line. She also spoke 44,65 sentences per episode in that season. A glorious season for the Jewel Butt pony
     
    2. Season 4 Very good season when you are looking it from the Rarity's perspective though she missed 5 episodes, but the episodes that she were in were amazing and she spoke 19,81 lines per episode that season, also totaling 34,23 sentences per episode.
     
    3. Season 2 Average season for Rarity some good moments but it was obvious that jewelbutt Didn't talk in 5 episodes and the other episodes didnt really fill the gap but atleast it wasnt a total disaster=) 14,77 lines per episode and 30,35 sentences. they were trying<3
     
    4. Season 3 bad season for Rarity not really any episode focused in her and you can see it 10,15 lines per episode and only 15,15 sentences missed 2 episodes on the season
     
    5. Season 5 only good episode with Rarity was Castle Sweet Castle in other episodes her appearance was minimal or nonexistent its been 10 episodes into the season and Rarity isnt talking in 5 of them. only 6,7 lines per episode and 11,2 sentences and those stats are because of Castle Sweet Castle. Almost 10 Rarity episodes in earlier seasons had more Rarity in them individually than the fifth season so far combined.
     
     
     

    Top 10 Rarity episodes
     

    1. "Sweet and Elite" lovely Rarity episode. Contains most Rarity from all the episodes Rarity speaks 93 lines 1407 words and 155 sentences, beautiful episode to watch loving every minute of the Rarity filled action and the lovely song tops it all <3 <3
     
     

    2. "Suited for Success" another masterpiece episode Rarity's lovely dresses and beautiful singing crowns it<3 Filled with Rarity content 114 lines of Rarity fun, 1177 words and 171 sentences<3 a must watch episode =)
     
     
     
     

    3. "Rarity Takes Manehattan" another beautiful Rarity story amazing song and Rarity fun filled content for everyone to enjoy with 90 Rarity lines 1260 words from her pony mouth and 149 sentences <3<3<3<3
     
     
     
     
    4. Simple Ways
     
    5. Sisterhooves Social
     
    6. A Dog and Pony Show
     
    7. Inspiration Manifestation
     
    8. Look Before You Sleep
     
    9. Green Isn't Your Color
     
    10. Filli Vanilli
     
     
     
    Rarity's favorite words =)
     
    1. uh, pony she said both 56 times, ponies are of course important to her and uh, =)
     
    2. time said 55 times, time is of course important to Rarity a pony working with deadlines!
     
    3. need 43 times, a lady of course needs always things <3
     
    4. friend 31 times, what would a pony be without her friends
     
    5. Ponyville 30 times, home sweet home <3
     
    6. simply, find 29 times, "I simply must find more jewels"
     
    7. ooh, good, Equestria 27 times, ooh Equestria so good place to live =)
     
    8. friends, big 26 times, big friends =)=)=)=)=)=)=)
     
    9. fashion 25 times, She is a fashionista after all =)=)=)=)=)=)
     
    10. darling, dear, show, ah, work 24 times, ah dear, darling I need work for this fashion show
     

    out of the list she says fabulous only 20 times =)
     

    Rarity's Favorite Characters =)=)=)=)=)
     

    1. Spike 55 Rarity screamed his name 55 times <3
     
    2. Twilight 45 Rarity said Twilight 45 times
     
    3. Applejack 39 AJ heard her name 39 times from Rarity's mouth
     
    4. Sweetie Belle 38 Rarity likes her sister <3
     
    5. Fluttershy 36 Rarity's good friend =)
     
    6. Rainbow Dash 33 Rainbow Dash got 33 times her name said by Rarity
     
    7. Rarity ♥ 28 RarityRarityRarityRarityRarityRarity=)
     
    8. Pinkie Pie 22 Rarity and Pinkie not much interaction between them =)=)=)?
     
    9. Opal 15 Rarity's Lovely kitten cat <3
     
    10. Celestia 11 god
     


  15. 碇 シンジン
    I've been thinking this for a while and I've noticed an improvements on my own behaviour and the way I act over the past year after I started watching this show about the ponies. At first I was like Fluttershy shy and timid scared of things. As I got further into the show I started seeing that this is not what I want to be
     
    I didnt want to be like that, I wanted to improve further and I used the elements of harmony as my goal. I wanted to be kind, generous, happy, honest, magical and loyal. I set this goal on myself because I saw that I could be better that i was at that moment. I wasnt happy at all and I never used any of my money on anything and I was in bad shape in my life.
     
    I started wondering how the ponies can be like that, what it is in them that makes Pinkie Pie so happy or Rarity so generous what was in them that wasn't in me. I was here on the forums thinking about it and then I asked one fan of Pinkie Pie here, I asked how Pinkie is so happy and how I can be as happy as she is. I dont remember what he said clearly anymore but the message was that I cant keep thinking the bad stuff all the time. It only makes me in bad mood.
     
    But it was harder than I thought it would be I almost gave up, but then I saw this one girl here she was so happy all the time and I saw that her happiness made me happy too. Then I saw that she was young girl, I was always happy to talk to her, and I toned down my mentality into the kid mode little by little.
     
    Kids always have fun, right? They enjoy the littlest things and they are so happy about it, then after they mature they hide their inner kid and act " Yo I'm adult now SWAG MLG 420" but why? what is wrong in being happy about the little things? What is wrong in playing with toys?
     
    You see Pinkie Pie she acts like a kid, it doesnt mean that she is stupid or kid she is about the same age as the rest of the mane six too. I've realized that and it is the main reason I use the =)=)=)=)=) smileys and maybe act bit juvenile sometimes, because it makes me happy and being happy is what I think the life is supposed to be.
     
    Stay happy my friends =)=)=)=)=)=)
  16. 碇 シンジン
    Rarity lovely pretty little angel, you bring the light in the room of darkness with your shining heart of generosity. You ignite the light on other people making them feel pretty on themselves with you wonderful design clothes. Your passion burns so bright that ponies around you feel it and know it. Your couraging words help those who struggle, your care of them and nurse their wounds.
     
    The amazing radiant beauty, that shines from you fills every gap it reaches. Looking you move is pure bliss of perfection, your pretty hair flowing with the wind. So soft, silken, velvet and purple, always looking so pretty cute and adorable. Tiny, small, happy pony ears so smooth silken fur <3 Bright marvelous, sweet love pony eyes, so pretty to look at, so big and wide, lovely jewel beauty gem wonderful darling.
     
    Fabulous makeup eye, pretty cute beautiful. Sweet dear little pony muzzle tiny nose boop, smile pony love, cute pretty YAY<3 Lovely gentle tickly hoof pretty tiny cute adorable sof silken fur happy hooves pony=). Rarity pony cutie belly charming soft wub belly love sweetie pony adorable.<3<3 Pretty awesome hips lovely round cute sexy beautiful attractive pony lovely butt soft <3
     
    Cute curly tail silken purple amazing hair cutie darling dear fashion so sweet and lovely pony Rarity is<3
     

  17. 碇 シンジン
    Her tail so beautiful sculpture of her skilled hoof of fashion beautifully styled perfect lovely wonderful creation of divine angel artist fashionista pony lovely princess jewel <3<3<3<3 Rarity <3<3
     
    Her tail is so unique magnificent and lovely absolutely darling to look at soft silken huggabble smooth warmth feeling <3<3 Lovely purple shade of royal elegance and beauty shining inside <3<3 emerging from her endless source of inspiration her lovely burning generosity passion for hrer art sand the beautiful skill displayed in her unique perfect creations<3
     

  18. 碇 シンジン

    I'm so scared.

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    I don't know why but I'm scared of pretty much everything and it really affects my life.
     
     
    Here are few examples:
     
    I'm scared of dogs because I don't know when they are going to attack me all of a sudden. And when dog comes near me my heart just starts racing and it feels so anxious.
     
    I'm scared of cars and crossing roads, because I always feel that some car comes and runs over me and I try to avoid all crossroads when I walk. I would rather walk 1 mile to avoid the scary crossroad than go over it especially if there are no traffic lights and road is busy.
     
    I'm scared of bridges and going under them and being under objects that are leaning over me. When I go to tunnel or under bridge my heart starts racing and I watch the structure above me to see if there are any signs of it falling down on me. If there are cars or other vehicles going over the bridge and I'm under it I get even more scared. I usually walk under the bridges faster than normal.
     
    I'm scared of these groups with younger or older boys with these rap clothes and stuff. If I see them I try to avoid all contact with them and I try avoid walking near them if I have choice. If I have to walk near them it scares me so much that tears come to my eyes. It scares me because I'm afraid that they either attack me and injure me seriously me or make fun of me and bully me.
     
    I'm scared of planes. When I see plane flying on the sky I'm always scared that it drops some kind of bomb or shoots me down.
     
    I'm scared of flying in plane or any flying machine and being on ship or boat. I always feel that the plane is going to crash if I'm on it and I feel that ships are going to sink if I'm on them. I've never been on either of them because I'm so scared.
     
    I'm scared of people that have some sort of weapon in their hands knife, gun, chainsaw or anything like that. I'm always so scared that they get this random urge to hit me with it and kill me.
     
    I'm scared of blood. If I see blood somewhere I get this feeling that maybe it's my blood and my limbs and head start feeling dizzy and I get this feeling that I'm loosing blood. And if I think about cutting myself I can almost feel how it would feel in my brain.
     
    I'm scared of moderators and admins here and everywhere. I'm scared of them because I know that they have the power to ban me anytime they want. I'm always blushing and get so anxious if I'm talking to them and I try to be even nicer than usual to them. I feel that if I say 1 wrong word then I'm banned. And I'm also scared of people that have more power than me.
     
    I don't leave my stuff anywhere public because I'm always scared that someone will come and steal them.
     
    I'm scared of insects because I feel that there comes suddenly this giant spider and kills me. I don't know what was wrong with me but when I was in kindergarten I saw this giant ant it was like size of a cat I was so afraid. I don't know if that is true but I can still recall that image from my head.
     
    I'm also scared of all these terrorist groups and North Korea and USA and war and guns and stuff like that. Sometimes I'm also scared of losing my friends and family.
     
    If my parents are gone too long from home I got this feeling that someone has killed them. And always when someone knocks our door I'm afraid it's some serial killer or murderer. Especially if it happens late in the evening or night.
     
    I'm also scared that suddenly some random disease takes over me and I can't do anything ever again. I'm also scared of dolls and dark.
     
    I'm afraid of spinning, because I was once in some theme park and there were this spinning device where I was forced to go. After that I couldn't spin again without feeling sick and dizzy.
  19. 碇 シンジン

    im sorry

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    sorry=( i havent been so active these days i feel like just going away iweekend is really hard forum works against me and its getting harder to be here and my rehab makes it even harder in the weekends really depressed and lonely sorry
  20. 碇 シンジン

    Story

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    Driving your car on this highway, you driven many hundred miles already getting bit tired. Still trying to stay awake though. Suddenly you see something bright on the road <3 Radiant and shiny like a big diamond, it is a some kind of creature. you stop your car in the bush, and approach this beautiful creature<3

    as you walk closer to this beauty os nature you start seeing her lovely blue pearl like jewel eyes captivating and shine lovely unicorn horn, flowing curled styled elegant purple mane and tail the most beatiful and amazing thing you've ever seen in your entire life<3 standing in front of you White coated unicorn mare, Looking so sexy and attractive lovely sight to your sore eyes. Lovely three beautiful diamond like jewel shapes on her butt<3

    as you approach her she glances towards you, the moment felt like an eternity her big beautiful eyes staring straight at you <3 lovely beautful face, and before you even realize the mysterious angel like creature is gone. Vanishing as quickly as it appeared.


  21. 碇 シンジン

    hug

    By 碇 シンジン ,

    looking her from far, out of reach lovely pony cannot touch so prettty yet so far distant small why im not closer to you my dear who are these others i run fast quick im not getting any closer the shadows fall on m, im still looking at her cute eyes round jewels seeing her shine from the darkness, i look around its darkness everywhere dark scary figures moving there
     
    Im so afraid i turn back to my angel lovely beauty elegant pretty see her shine i go closer dark figures fade away in front of her shining bright radiance of her generous passionate beautiful hear <3 I go closer to her my dear darling <3 sweetie <3 She is the most precious embracing her soft body i can feel the warmth of her lovely hair <3 i feel her tiny node with my hand her soft fur on hrt tiny cheek <3 pretty coat on her silken soft neck <3
     
    I close mt eye there is no darkness anymore I go closer to her wrap my arms around her feeling her white velvet coat fur <3 her sweet relaxing warmth and slow breathing happy <3<3<3 I smile and hug her <3 nuzzle my head on her lovley soft silk hair so feeling like a pillow of silken feather <3 I nuzzle her more tight feeling her lovely cheek of happy <3 I smile <3
     
    I feel her move her head bit she brings her tiny muzzle lovely near my cheek and leaves the soft love kiss smooth happy<3
     

  23. 碇 シンジン
    it happened some time ago it wasnt easy for me Im trying to get better every day it has been working i think feeling more calm these days but it will always be in my memories
     
    what about you how do you feel about it ? Did it affect you ?
  24. 碇 シンジン
    first here and now on DA its the same feeling same system same thing all over again just different sites and different people
     
    here it was bit easier since it is relatively small community on this site only about 100-200 messages in a day to respond to plus greeting every new member took me so long i felt more like a machine not human I broke the friends system here too having too many friends and i cant bare to unfriend anyone
     

    now on deviantart over 300 messages to reply to and too much other stuff to handle and i check every new pic of rarity daily and post it in my rarity group i watched 5000 people and now my most stressful moments are when i find new person to watch is that i need to unwatch someone because 5000 is the site limit
  25. 碇 シンジン
    It is late cold night, I'm walking deep into this darken forest. I'm looking for something, i want to witness her with my very own eyes, the rumor says that Deep into this darken deep forest of wood there is a beautiful nymph like angel creature wandering around helping the lost people who cant find their way back home themselves.
     
    The tale also says that this creature holds such radiance and the essence of beauty in her that you cannot withstand in front of her long. Her lovely gaze towards you from her beautiful pearl like jewel eyes is enough to hypnotize you in to the blissful trance of love<3 Divine shapes of her pure perfect body have not been touched by anyone, they say that if you embrace too close to her elegant lovely pretty body the beauty of her radiance is too much for you to hold yourself together and many have collapsed trying to get a closer look.
     
    It is almost midnight, I haven't yet seen any sign of the legendary nymph, it is almost midnight. Slight breeze of cold wind feels on my face, I see the forst is getting darker and colder, maybe the legends are just stories. What if this creature doesn't exist? I'm starting to feel frustrated battery of my flashlight is running out too, the dark and cold feeling inside of me is getting stronger.
     
    I threw my light away the battery has died, starting to feel more and more scared around me it is complete darkness, I feel this tree near me with my hand I follow the branch to reach the tree. Sitting down against the wood. I feel the wet ground under me I curl myself in a ball and close my eye, tear comes to my cheek =( I am lost and alone in the dark deepen forest at night. *cry*
     
    Suddenly I hear beautiful voice echoing around my head what is this voice, lovely beautiful harp like melodic voice true angelic sound <3 I feel the sound of the voice the warmth in my heart <3 I open my eye and look it is still quite dark but I see this light of radiance up ahead far<3 I stand up from the ground walking slowly towards the lovely sound of the beauty and the radiant light<3
     
    Air around me is getting warmer as im moving forward and the light gets stronger in my eye I see this pony shaped lovely body <3 four tiny gentle hooves <3 and the magical shining horn of blue magic aura, and soft silken wings of feather <3 Hair flowing as she starts gently and slowly moving towards me<3 Eyes shining like the jewel pearls in ocean <3
     
    I see the fog emerging around her sweet body lovely <3 Suddenly I start feeling so relaxed and pleased in my body <3 her radiance of her stunning gorgeousness is starting to take effect in my weak body of mortal<3 as she hovers closer to me the pleasing feeling of her beautiful appearance feeling gets more powerful <3 it takes control of me I look her, I drop on my knees in front of her I move my hand towards her silken shiny white divine coat fur lovely <3 feeling her feather soft coat so amazing feeling of softness love and beauty that it is unimaginable.
     
    I started shaking in front of her my weak senses couldnt handle her true beauty and lovely appearance my vision got more and more blur as she moved her lovely tiny muzzle towards me I felt her silken soft cheek and pony humid lips kiss on my cheek pony <3
     

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