Stone Cold Steve Tuna

I had the audacity to ask a guy which of his 268 accounts to put his money into.

You know what I learned today?

They're only incredibly brave if the bulletproof glass isn't also separating me from a blast furnace.

Fun fact: there are two bullets wedged into my branch’s drive up window from gang violence across the street.

 But why do thee bonk? Does, in your bonking, you implicate a certain response with which there is a proper retaliation to react to said bonk? When thy bringth thy bonk, to what they do I come back with to aforesaid bonk? 

 Where is bonk? Why is bonk? Tu esa de Bonk?

It's a known fact that bonk is knob. Knob is bonk. Onk is short for oncology. Peed onk specifically. On is no is know is now is later.

That's it! You're on MY list now! My list of beings to put on a list to make a list of!

*listing listily*

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man walks into a bar.

 He says: "Ow!"

Roses are dead

Violets are dead

Everything is dead

I am a bad gardener.

Fish make love in it.

Serial killers have admitted to drinking water in the past. Everyone who drinks water has a 100% fatality rate. That’s why I never drink it.

Hey, now, it's not a 100% fatality rate. About 3% of people who have ever existed are still alive, so it's closer to 97%. Also, I think you could do with access to the DHMO health fact database to spice up that shock factor you've got there. 

Luckily I only drink things that are good for you. Like vodka. And it looks like water too so it must be good for you.

When I can get time to sit down here to... all I can see is work. I'm not in a... healthy mood lately.

There's a balance you need to strike. Leave work at work. Just take a breath. I'm in your corner.

The problem I ever had with math was algebra. I am horrendous at it as I am at long division. I can do basic addition and subtraction and I managed to eventually figure out multiplication and some division, but long division? Algebra? Geometry? It’s like another language.

if you had to teach me you may want to swear off math. I am a lost cause, trust me.

Oh God. Common core. Why don’t we use common sense?

It is another language, in fact. Several, if you advance far enough. My uncle used to say that he'd forgotten more mathematical languages than people ever learn. They have so many concepts that require symbolisation in maths that they use the English, Greek, and Hebrew alphabets as well as the Hindu-Arabic numeral system all put together to supply their symbols, in addition to screeds of symbols that they made up exclusively for mathematical use, and even then there are still significant duplicate definitions and symbols that mean completely different things in different mathematical contexts. Terrifying stuff.

Nah, you're no lost cause. I help tutor calculus to high school students who still struggle extensively with textbook algebra and they manage some pretty high grades. Most of true maths teaching is rephrasing abstract ideas and methods in ways that your students can specifically and personally understand. You're pretty savvy, too, which makes it a lot easier. 

I don't understand how the saying 'common' sense ever became a thing. Maybe it makes us feel better about the fate of the human race to consider those with sense in the majority.

You'll make me blush with them kind words!

Mark Twain once said, There is only one thing that is impossible for God and math: finding any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Well, something like that. The point stands though!

How are you holding up lately?

To answer the not wearing uniform thing, the lady may have been an entry level carrier. You don’t get uniform until 90-180 days of work have passed. As for the driving on lawns thing, I guarantee she was fired immediately if she was entry level or written up if she was regular.

did I ever show you the runaway mail truck video?

EeeNope.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sqjO6QG0oS8

Yeah, so this is why they curb the wheels, use the emergency brake, and take the keys. They even tell you, "If the truck runs away from you, don't even bother chasing it. You're already fired."

Probably why dating somebeing "your speed" is an important thing to consider. 

That's how narcs get you. They put on a mask and you don't see the monster until it's too late.

...The....

  Narcoleptics are disguising themselves as monsters so they can breakup-text people?

…

 You've Lost Me.