Looking for feedback on Hyper (finaly :P )

[Bastion 414]

If you have seen me on the forums, you will have seen my character be used a lot for unintentional roleplays on the forum games. 

Well I have kinda been fearing doing this but I think that some open feedback can make Hyper a better character, and since I have given him some recent updates, this could not be a better time

 

 

 

Here is a link to his character profile

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/burning-h-bastion-r5178

 

Edited June 13, 2014 by Hyper

[aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q 3,673]

There's that thing about him that he'll stand out anywhere he goes. That right eye of his would scare away most other ponies pretty quickly. That he carries a deadly weapon around and out of uniform isn't helping. Sure, he comes from a different culture and all but that doesn't mean he is to pay no attention to the cultural norms of this part of Equestria. Both things on their own are quite disconcerting enough but in combination, they make him pretty much unapproachable. Can't imagine how awkward going shopping must be for him...

 

An Earth pony with magic... This is normally something that would make for a special talent but it seems as though he also has the art of the katana as a special skill. What's more, in what span of time did it take for him to master both skills? Both arts sound like they would respectively take tens of thousands of hours of practice -- and that's excluding training aimed at conditioning the body -- in order to perfect. Just how much of his life has been spent in training up until now? About his pyromancy though... Is it something he can only do with the sword he has? It doesn't sound like he can perform pyromancy bare hoofed since you did state that he's very much defenseless unarmed. Fair enough as a limitation I would say -- given that's the case.

 

His other flaws seem rather contrived and tacked on... Surely he is able to get some rest because otherwise he'd always be mentally weary and cranky instead of just sometimes. What's more, why does he have nightmares? And what's with the phobia for whispering? These things need to be explained.

 

Hope that helps.

[Bastion 414]

His entrance to Equestria is probably treated the same way as Zecora's entrance to ponyville 

 

unapproachable.

that bit right there, made my day

 

I've read your advice and I can see a lot of where you are coming from and I've made some satisfactory changes, such as 

1. The unusual red eye still exists on the character is described to be hidden better by his mane, making it very hard to notice from long distances, only being up close is it properly noticeable, Katana will still stay by his side as normally with the exception of simply walking about town and buying food and cupcakes.
2. The training for both the art of being a samurai and the art of pyromancy has been given more depth into how long the training for these things can take, samurai training being as soon as he could act independently and pyormancy being around 8 years of training after the interest in magical arts began.
3. The nightmares and whispering issue has been explained, don't know why I did not do that beforehand, must have been a off day
4. Pyromany can be done bare hoofed,  however it's effects are now based more heavily on the climate around him, if its colder, his abilities will be more weak, but in hotter climates he is much stronger, this is not a winter soldier as it seems, his sword on the other hand has been given it's own sort of explanation to give a brief reason as why he is a lot more defenceless without it, being as it's the only thing he has of his childhood, his past and his homeland, being without it would just make him lost and just kill off his motivations, like he forgets what he is fighting for.

The profile has properly been updated based on your advice, I thank you for your help and if there is still anything you question with the new changes, tell me.

Hyper is not just for myself, I try to make him a enjoyable community character 

Edited June 13, 2014 by Hyper