adventure The Factory- Part One (Based on Rainbow Factory by Mic the Microphone)

[BronyGoneEpik 14]

I sit quietly in my small shack, bored out of my mind. It wasn't a lifestyle that I preferred, but what choice did I have? My past experiences at the... place that must not be mentioned defined me, molded me. If it didn't exist I wouldn't live here in the Dark Forest, all the way across the northern Equestria border, I wouldn't have to stay in hiding. I had friends in Canterlot. I had family. But, I had to leave it all because of it. All because of it. Everyday my mind thinks about that pegasus, snarls at that pegasus, swears at that pegasus. I could never forget him. A blue coat, the color of a stormy night on the ocean. His eyes, oh, his eyes! Even if you saw him someplace good, not... there, you would know he was evil. His eyes were conniving, mischievous gone wrong. And what he did could never be forgiven, not even by his family. Unicorn after unicorn, after unicorn. I was lucky enough to escape. I remember the day when I was first sent there.  It was a Tuesday, and I was only a child. It was a turn of events, being taken there, because we were all rejoicing on my sister's birth. I remember that I was the one that was holding her when... he, self called "Rick" knocked on the door, loudly and slowly. My father opened the door, and gasped at what was out there.

 

*Comment and Brohoof for Part Two!*

 

Be Epik.

 

I made this a long time ago. Also, the song is by woodentoaster.

Edited January 12, 2015 by BronyGoneEpik

[The Shadow Stallion 127]

Also somepony already made a Rainbow Factory RP that died after 2 weeks x.x

Odd, the pargraph before that sentence didn't show up.... again. Well basically there have already been many Fanfics based on the Rainbow factory and they have been written well, no offense meant here, but better. I also made a reference to that Rainbow Factory RP, to show that the popularity of Rainbow Factory isn't very high or at least its not very well known. I do however say, keep trying friend. You can get better at writing with practice (Don't mean to sound like an arrogant prig here) : ) The pacing is odd, jumping back into history and then jumping further back while mentioning the present. You did not necessarily state why he couldn't rejoin his family though it is implied, it would be better to know.

Edited January 7, 2015 by The Shadow Stallion

[BronyGoneEpik 14]

OK thx. But I'm trying. I will write other fan fics that r better than this.

[The Shadow Stallion 127]

Just keep trying : ) Maybe redo this sometime in the future.

Perhaps start with telling about the escape and maybe some short flashbacks mixed in of experiences in the factory. Or perhaps even a dialogue with another character.

 

Don't just go on my opinion either, I'm just 1 critic. Listen to others as well, except for the trolls x.x

[sethbramwell 10]

I like the start,  though I wish it were more developed.  

 

For example,  giving an idea of when this is supposed to be set. Is this in the Rainbow Factory's past or future relevant to the original?  Is Dash still there or yet to be there?  Is the speaking character an escapee in the mold of Scootaloo, or perhaps a disgruntled factory worker who decided to buck the system (No pun intended) and walk off the job? We get the impression it's somepony who would be hunted by the corporation, but WHY would they be hunted?

 

Good opening,  I would have just taken it further before posting.  

 

I'd love to see more if you continue :-)