Need an OC reviewed

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

I'd like to get my Griffon-Pony OC Chelsea revealed. I just edited her backstory a few minutes ago just to clarify a few things

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/chelsea-r6915

[PoisonClaw 8,164]

I have a few problems with it. For starters, her design looks like you just took a griffon and just gave her pony ears (and possibly pony eyes, but that's debatable). Most griffon-pony relations I've seen across the fandom either result in a Hippogriff (Griffon with back hooves) or a Sphinx (Lion body with the head of a pony, who may or may not have wings). I know that's not a hard-rule or anything, but this seems more like an uninspired solution to not being able to decide between a Pony and a Griffon and just tried for both 

 

Second, her backstory implies that this is the first Pony-Griffon offspring in recorded history, or at the very least the first in possibly hundreds, if not thousands of years, with I find somewhat hard to believe. That's not even getting into the fact that you've mistakingly replaced Celestia with Tyrantlestia, who would gladly wipe out the entire Griffon race if it so much as tickled her fancy. Regardless of what may have happened in the past, actual show Celestia would not sink a ship solely because Griffons were on board, nor would seek vengeance against a race honestly willing to negotiate peaceful ties between them.

 

If you want my advice, you need to add something to her design to make her appear more pony. Maybe give her a pony muzzle, or a pony tail? Something more distinctive to properly indicate her pony heritage. 

 

I do like the idea of her being blessed by the seaponies. That's a neat idea.

Edited August 15, 2015 by PoisonClaw

[Memory Lane 131]

Alright, here you go. My impressions.

 

I'm visually unconvinced Chelsea is a Pony - Griffon hybrid. She simply doesn't have enough pony like characteristics. I feel like she only has pony genes to justify giving her a cutie mark.

 

You said Celestia harbors a hatred for the Griffons because of some failed invasion led by their previous king. While I understand tensions between them could be a thing, Celestia isn't someone who holds grudges, especially in light of this new era.

 

Then while sailing an unarmed ship in the name of peace and harmony, (which Celestia champions) Celestia preemptively and ruthlessly ordered their vessel to be sunk, essentially dooming the crew. Again, highly unlike Celestia.

 

In the ensuing shipwreck, Chelsea apparently drowned? Perhaps you meant to say she was drowning? This part was confusing. You go on to say the Sea Ponies took her deep underwater to meet with their queen. You didn't specify, but I have to assume she was enchanted in some fashion to survive underwater for so long. Also, why wasn't anyone else rescued?

 

In the next scene, you imply through the Sea Pony Queen there is something special or "pure" about Chelsea. What exactly is it? You highlighted how she isn't always aggressive, but that applies to everyone doesn't it?

 

A few days seem to pass and Chelsea is... "chilling by the beach"? Wasn't she recently involved in a horrific shipwreck? Where are her priorities?

 

Anyway, Chelsea is eventually rescued (somehow) and returned to the Griffon Kingdom where she learns her parents have died. Dead parents cliche.

 

Two years later, Celestia decides to annihilate the Griffon Kingdom. Because... surely after they tried to make peace, they were asking for punishment. I dislike how Equestria is portrayed as being so cruel.

 

Finally we have our finale. Before the Equestrian army could invade, Chelsea summons (instinctively?) a massive shield of water before them. Clearly she has enough control of her emotions not to take an offensive stance.

 

So this is my biggest issue if anything. Chelsea has water based superpowers. She can manipulate water, use magic through water, and swim underwater indefinitely. All because of the Queen Sea Pony? I don't know. Perhaps I'm too selective, but I don't see why, even if I believed she could, the Queen Sea Pony would bestow superpowers upon Chelsea. She doesn't appear particularly deserving of them based on what I've read.

 

 

P.S. She lives in Ponyville!? What!? Why!?

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Alright, here you go. My impressions.

 

I'm visually unconvinced Chelsea is a Pony - Griffon hybrid. She simply doesn't have enough pony like characteristics. I feel like she only has pony genes to justify giving her a cutie mark.

 

You said Celestia harbors a hatred for the Griffons because of some failed invasion led by their previous king. While I understand tensions between them could be a thing, Celestia isn't someone who holds grudges, especially in light of this new era.

 

Then while sailing an unarmed ship in the name of peace and harmony, (which Celestia champions) Celestia preemptively and ruthlessly ordered their vessel to be sunk, essentially dooming the crew. Again, highly unlike Celestia.

 

In the ensuing shipwreck, Chelsea apparently drowned? Perhaps you meant to say she was drowning? This part was confusing. You go on to say the Sea Ponies took her deep underwater to meet with their queen. You didn't specify, but I have to assume she was enchanted in some fashion to survive underwater for so long. Also, why wasn't anyone else rescued?

 

In the next scene, you imply through the Sea Pony Queen there is something special or "pure" about Chelsea. What exactly is it? You highlighted how she isn't always aggressive, but that applies to everyone doesn't it?

 

A few days seem to pass and Chelsea is... "chilling by the beach"? Wasn't she recently involved in a horrific shipwreck? Where are her priorities?

 

Anyway, Chelsea is eventually rescued (somehow) and returned to the Griffon Kingdom where she learns her parents have died. Dead parents cliche.

 

Two years later, Celestia decides to annihilate the Griffon Kingdom. Because... surely after they tried to make peace, they were asking for punishment. I dislike how Equestria is portrayed as being so cruel.

 

Finally we have our finale. Before the Equestrian army could invade, Chelsea summons (instinctively?) a massive shield of water before them. Clearly she has enough control of her emotions not to take an offensive stance.

 

So this is my biggest issue if anything. Chelsea has water based superpowers. She can manipulate water, use magic through water, and swim underwater indefinitely. All because of the Queen Sea Pony? I don't know. Perhaps I'm too selective, but I don't see why, even if I believed she could, the Queen Sea Pony would bestow superpowers upon Chelsea. She doesn't appear particularly deserving of them based on what I've read.

 

 

P.S. She lives in Ponyville!? What!? Why!?

Okay

 

Thanks for the review. I think now I'm going to give some details about what happened in between those two years. 

 

But at least she's not marked as Mary Sue. That I'm glad about. 

[Seamore Sandwich 471]

I would suggest you use a different enemy than Celestia, she doesn't typically behave in the way you have portrayed her. Maybe it can be a military leader under Celestia who has a hatred for Griffins and uses his/her position to stage attacks against Griffins, making it appear as though it is under Celestia's orders, while lying to Celestia claiming the Griffins attack them. This character can be revealed to Celestia during peace talks and maybe flee, creating a character you can bring back as a nemesis to your character.

 

As for the design, I think it is a little hard to tell that she is part pony, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Griffin genes could be the dominant genes, so she could be part pony wether or not it actually shows. I think the picture looks great.

I like the name Sir Ironhoof for the nemesis, I would have him be an Earth pony, relying heavily on skill and ambush tactics as well as his superior Earth pony strength.

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

I would suggest you use a different enemy than Celestia, she doesn't typically behave in the way you have portrayed her. Maybe it can be a military leader under Celestia who has a hatred for Griffins and uses his/her position to stage attacks against Griffins, making it appear as though it is under Celestia's orders, while lying to Celestia claiming the Griffins attack them. This character can be revealed to Celestia during peace talks and maybe flee, creating a character you can bring back as a nemesis to your character.

 

As for the design, I think it is a little hard to tell that she is part pony, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Griffin genes could be the dominant genes, so she could be part pony wether or not it actually shows. I think the picture looks great.

I like the name Sir Ironhoof for the nemesis, I would have him be an Earth pony, relying heavily on skill and ambush tactics as well as his superior Earth pony strength.

 

You know...I was thinking about using a military figure under Celestia for the hate. Great minds think alike!

[Seamore Sandwich 471]

You know...I was thinking about using a military figure under Celestia for the hate. Great minds think alike!

If you don't mind, with your permission I would like to create this nemesis and create a tie in to my Ponysona through his father Seamore McCormick. I was thinking Seamore McCormick could choose to retire from the military despite an offer from Sir Ironhoof to be his second in command. This would cause Ironhoof to hate Seamore and when he sees Seamore fishing years later, he sinks Seamore's boat, killing him and blaming it on the Griffins. This could be the "final straw" causing Celestia to order an attack on the Griffins, in a way defending the innocent.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Seamore Sandwich

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/chelsea-r6915

 

Alright, I revamped Chelsea's story. Now it should be a lot clearer on her past.