critique wanted First chapter of in-dev. fanfic: Thoughts?

[Lonk Chase 255]

Oh God, Lonk is doing fanfics again, everyone run

So I made another concept. This time it's not finished. GASP

Wondering if I should continue this concept and see where it goes. Maybe do a little colab-type thing.

If you wanna, guess who the main character is in the reply box. I think I hinted at it pretty blatantly in here, but I want to see how blatant it is to you guys.

 

-------Slit--------

 

Rochester opens his eyes to see the wood floor of his bedroom.

 

This is boring.

 

He turns his body to look on the other side of the bed.

 

A window peers out into the night, with a crisp, clear view of the streets of Ponyville below the second floor of his house. Nopony is out yet except for some right outside his front door with lit torches and pitchfor-wait what?

 

He sits up and looks again.

 

Those ponies don't look happy. In fact, they look pretty angry to him. One pony is trying to kick down the front door. Another group is bringing back a huge log, possibly to use as a battering ram. All of them wear black robes. This is a mob. And they're wanting blood.

 

One of the ponies sees Rochester standing in the window. She yells to the rest. Some scramble below the window and try to build a equestrian ladder up to it. One's holding a hammer, possibly to use to break crap in the house and now the window.

 

Rochester is now yelling obscenities in his head. This is bad. Terribly bad. Thankfully there's a back window. He wonders if they're guarding it too.

 

He almost--key word being "almost"--flies off of the bed and to the door. In the middle of opening it, a smash is heard behind him. The window.

 

He slams the door shut. Something hits it right behind his head. Those ponies have good aim. Too good maybe? Nah. They've probably been training for this all their lives. They even have the attire for it.

 

He opens the second door, into the bathroom.

 

He peers out the back window. Nopony there. Maybe right below the window, but not anywhere else.

 

He opens the dresser and grabs a screwdriver. He slams the pointed end through the window, cutting himself in the process as the shards fly towards him. It doesn't matter though. He can take care of it later.

 

He spreads his wings and shoots out of the window. He looks back to make sure and yep, nopony was at the back. Stupid Equestrians.

 

As he flies into the night, he doesn't even stop to think of the contradiction he's posing here:

 

Rochester is an Earth Pony.

---------------------------------------------

Whatcha guys think? Post your opinions in the comments.

Summoning @@MLS_Brony because he's interested in this sort of crap.

[Mingan Muon 16]

Forgive me if I make too many critiques.

 

 

Rochester opens his eyes to see the wood floor of his bedroom.

 

This is boring.

 

He turns his body to look on the other side of the bed.

 

A window peers out into the night, with a crisp, clear view of the streets of Ponyville below the second floor of his house. Nopony is out yet except for some right outside his front door with lit torches and pitchfor-wait what?

 

He sits up and looks again.

 

Those ponies don't look happy. In fact, they look pretty angry to him. One pony is trying to kick down the front door. Another group is bringing back a huge log, possibly to use as a battering ram. All of them wear black robes. This is a mob. And they're wanting blood.

 

One of the ponies sees Rochester standing in the window. She yells to the rest. Some scramble below the window and try to build a equestrian ladder up to it. One's holding a hammer, possibly to use to break crap in the house and now the window.

 

Rochester is now yelling obscenities in his head. This is bad. Terribly bad. Thankfully there's a back window. He wonders if they're guarding it too.

 

He almost--key word being "almost"--flies off of the bed and to the door. In the middle of opening it, a smash is heard behind him. The window.

 

He slams the door shut. Something hits it right behind his head. Those ponies have good aim. Too good maybe? Nah. They've probably been training for this all their lives. They even have the attire for it.

 

He opens the second door, into the bathroom.

 

He peers out the back window. Nopony there. Maybe right below the window, but not anywhere else.

 

He opens the dresser and grabs a screwdriver. He slams the pointed end through the window, cutting himself in the process as the shards fly towards him. It doesn't matter though. He can take care of it later.

 

He spreads his wings and shoots out of the window. He looks back to make sure and yep, nopony was at the back. Stupid Equestrians.

 

As he flies into the night, he doesn't even stop to think of the contradiction he's posing here:

 

Rochester is an Earth Pony.

 

"to look on the other side" -> "to look towards" -- sounds better to me

"window peers out" -- I don't think personification would be a good thing to do here.

"except for some" -> "except for some ponies" or "some black mares" -- some could be referencing the pony in nopony, but it isn't clear

 

I put three paragraphs in bold. Those paragraphs are extremely fragmented; I don't know if that is intentional, to create suspense, or just your style (if it is your style, I suggest fixing it to something more flowing).

 

"--key word being "almost"--" -- that breaks the flow of the prose. If you want to emphasize the word, put it in italics.

"The window" -- again, I don't know if that fragmented prose is intentional. Even if it is, it gets old after awhile.

 

The three paragraphs in bold next are quite similar in sentence structure. I would vary the structure a bit.

 

"Maybe right below the window" -> "They might be hiding below the window"

"Equestrians" -> what? maybe do "ponies" or "horses". An Equestrian is someone who rides horses, not who is a horse.

 

The ending makes no sense. I'm not even going to try to think of a way to fix the presentation of an idea that I don't understand.

 

Basically, the main problem is the fragmented prose and bland sentence structure. There are only a few writing mistakes in the grammar department; most of the problem is how you are presenting the scene in your head.

[Lonk Chase 255]

K. Thanks for the feedback!

[Mingan Muon 16]

K. Thanks for the feedback!

In the future, be sure to quote or mention me so I get a notification telling me that you are responding to me.