critique wanted Looking for a bit of feedback

[Concerned Bystander 2,901]

I have decided to dip my toe into the world of fan fiction for the first time, and although this is far from finished (barely started) I would like to hear any feedback from anyone about this introductory chapter.  Any critique at all would be welcome, is it too slow?  Does it sound like something you'd want to read more of?  Does the opening explain enough about the character or should I flesh him out a bit more?  I know I haven't really touched on his appearance at this point, but do you feel that detracts from the story?

 

 

Chapter 1  Vault Fifty Five

 

Ardent Bastion was shaken back to reality by a heavy knock at the door, he sighed and placed the book he was reading on the desk.  He had reached the climax of the story and he had hoped to have an hour with no interruptions so he could finish it, but it seemed that was not to be the case.

 

"Come in." He said, reluctantly.

 

The stout oak door creaked open, the aperture filled by the bulky form of Stalwart Shield, the Sub-Commander of the Royal Guard.

 

"Commander Stalwart, good to see you." Ardent welcomed him with all the civility he could muster.  "How is life on the surface?"

 

"Got another one for you." Stalwart replied, straight to business as ever.  He reached into the satchel he was carrying and removed a small object, placing it on the desk in front of Ardent.  It was a small stone figurine, only a little bigger than a teacup.  It depicted what appeared to be a demon or some other fantastical creature.  Other than its nightmarish appearance it seemed otherwise unremarkable.

 

"Has it been classified?" Ardent asked.

 

"No, we weren't able to find out anything about it during the seizure, but the context we found it in was enough to cause me some concern, unfortunately the Augor is out of town and I don't want this thing lying around in the barrack stores until she gets back, 

 

"Come on Stalwart, you know as well as I do that scroll four hundred and eighty two states categorically that no artefact can be brought into Vault Fifty Five until it has been classified, I need to know how it might interact with the others before I can decide where to put it."

 

"Just do what you have to do and make it quick, you know this place gives me the creeps."

 

Ardent studied Stalwart for a moment, as a Sub-Commander of the guard he was one of the few ponies that was permitted to know of the existence of Vault Fifty Five, deep within the catacombs beneath the royal palace. He was a truly imposing figure, heavily muscled and a good couple of hooves taller at the shoulder than any other member of the guard, but the slightly pained expression on his face belied a fear that even this colossus among ponies was not immune to.  Ardent knew why, he knew that Stalwart could hear them.  Even here, at the end of the long corridor that led to the massive obsidian door to Vault Fifty Five, dark things whispered promises of riches untold and powers beyond the wildest dreams of the pony that should free them from their confinement.  Whispers to which Ardent Bastion was deaf, the result of a flaw that had afflicted him since he was a colt, a flaw which made him uniquely suitable for his employment as the custodian of this cursed place.

 

"I'll figure something out."  He relented, "Just ensure the Augor is informed as soon as she returns."

 

"I'll tell her personally." Stalwart replied gruffly, then quickly about turned and left the vestibule, slamming the door with rather more force than Ardent felt was entirely necessary.  He couldn't blame him for his rush to leave, the few ponies that were allowed down here didn't like to spend any more time than they had to.

 

Vault Fifty Five did not appear on any map of the palace and its catacombs, and was not listed in any registry.  It was a containment facility, deep within the mountain, which was used to house magical artefacts that were deemed too dangerous to be allowed to remain in circulation, artefacts that nevertheless should not, or could not, be disposed of more permanently.  Many of these artefacts had minds of their own, well... not minds perhaps, but a will, a sense of purpose, a desire to be used.  They didn't like being imprisoned here in the vault, and they were quite vocal about the fact, offering bargains to any who would listen to free them.  Ponies that had spend too much time here had been driven insane by the constant whispered appeals, and some had even succumbed to the will of the strong magics held here.

 

Ardent felt a slight sadness that he himself could not hear them, back when he was a colt he had got lost while wandering in the Everfree Forest, he had stumbled into a patch of Poison Joke, a peculiar plant that bestowed a unique curse on any pony that touched it.  In Ardent's case his curse had been, for want of a better term, a reversal of his magical ability.  He had been reasonably adept at spellcasting, but after his exposure he had lost his ability to cast spells, and any magic he came into contact with was grounded and dissipated through his horn much like lightening is earthed through a lightening conductor.  He was left with nothing more than a slight ability to magically manipulate objects, as long it wasn't anything heavy, however it took considerable exertion on his part to do so for any length of time.  There was a readily available cure for Poison Joke of course, and Ardent had been bathed several times in this remedy, but due to the nature of the joke the weed had chosen to play on him, the magical concoction had not worked, its healing magic also being dissipated into the aether.   

 

This curse had had also given him a blessing, from a certain point of view.  He was by no means immune to all magic, but he was very resistant to it, and during his training to join the Royal Guard this had not gone unnoticed, and upon his graduation he had been assigned to Vault Fifty Five.  This place was inherently hazardous, awash with barely controlled magics, containment breaches were common and had led to many accidents in addition to the emotional and mental stresses that the previous custodians had been subjected to.

 

He picked up the figure and walked down the dimly lit corridor, stopping only to insert his key into the convoluted mechanism that opened the huge vault door, he turned the key and the huge obsidian slab slid up into an unseen recess in the roof.  The vault consisted of a central corridor with staggered openings to either side, each of which were interspersed with alcoves in which the various artefacts were stored behind magical null fields.  There was an empty side corridor towards the end of the vault, near the laboratory where objects could be examined without having to remove them from the vault.  Ardent kept this corridor as empty as possible for precisely this purpose, the artefact should be safe there until such time as the palace Augor was able to examine the item and attempt to divine what kind of hazard it may present.  He walked  down the corridor, his hoofsteps echoing against the blank stone walls, the torches flickering in their sconces as he passed casting shadows that danced around on all sides.

 

On reaching the selected location, he touched his horn to the pale blue ripple of the null field and felt the curious sensation as the field dispersed around him.  He placed the figure on the pedestal and took a step back, the field reasserted itself like water pooling on a transparent surface.  He decided to check the laboratory before leaving, this room was very different to rest of the vault, the whitewashed walls reflected the bright lighting, all the way around the room there were workbenches covered in instruments and apparatus, many of which Ardent could only guess at the function of.  When in use this room would be heavily shielded, even more so that the great vault door, an attempt to muffle the voices so that the Augor could work not in total peace, but at least a slightly less uncomfortable environment.  However, the room wasn't used very often, the Augor preferred to take the objects to her own laboratory in the basement of the palace when possible, she was extremely resilient, but even she had her limits to much exposure to the vault she could handle.

 

Satisfied that everything was in order, Ardent left the vault and returned to the vestibule, sitting down on his chair and picking up the book again, letting out an audible snort as he realised he had forgotten to place his bookmark when he had been interrupted.  As he hoofed through the pages his mind wandered slightly, he hoped that Sapphire Rose would examine the object in the vault's lab on her return.  He didn't get much company down here, and her presence was infinitely more pleasant than that of Stalwart Shield.

 

He found the page he had lost, and settling himself further into the cushions he offered a silent prayer to almighty Luna for an hour of peace.

 

 

[Shadow Beam 1,179]

Taking into account that you seem to be specifically looking for feedback, this topic shall be relocated into AK Yearling's writing resources.

Have a lovely day and I hope you find what you're looking for!

[Midnight Chimes 69]

This is quite good for a first time fanfic writer. My main advice would be it needs more immediacy. You have a lot of weighty exposition written in what is called the pluperfect or past perfect tense ("he HAD got lost while wandering" as opposed to "he got lost while wandering" which would be past tense). There is nothing wrong with this but you have to remember while you are explaining this exposition, even though it is interesting, there is no action happening in the present, so it is best to keep it to a minimum and drip-feed background details where they are relevant. It can also be a good hook for the reader if not everything is revealed at once. You do at least open up with some action with Ardent being visited by Stalwart which gives the story some thrust before the exposition.

Other than that there are one or two adjectives that could be clipped and parts that could just be written a little more concisely. For example you don't need to say the figurine is small when you immediately go on to say it was "only a little bigger than a teacup". Formatting is not so important but it's good to get it right from the start so you are in good habits. Lines of dialogue should end in a comma, not a full stop, before speech tags, which should not have capitals, like so:

"Come in," he said, reluctantly.

"I'll figure something out,"  he relented.

Also watch out for where new sentences should begin, making sure full stops are used where appropriate. I look forward to reading more if you get more work completed on this.

 

[Concerned Bystander 2,901]

Thanks for taking the time to read, I shall certainly take your advice on board.