I'm writing a dark fanfic and I want your opinions

[NomadSpellbrush 1,291]

I'm not really much of a Fanfic writer, infact I'm more of an DA artist, but this is an idea that I've had for years now that I want to get out.

I've had this Idea for a fanfic for sometime now, and Have been ironing and fleshing it out for almost 2 years now. It's placeholder name is Locked up and it's an alternate ending to Lesson Zero where somepony is accidentally killed and Celestia returns to Twilight's Library the following morning, arrests her, and charges her with ponyslaughter, use of a banned spell, and misuse of magic. Celestia then sentences Twilight to incarcerarion in a mares prison where she is cut off from spike and the rest of the mane 6 while, she tries to survive in a really harsh environment.

As the story goes on, Twilight undergoes massive character changes; she grows bitter and cynical, becomes easily irritated, Prone to lash out at others, and is willing to exploit others for her own personal gain. Then at some point she recieves a letter that reminds her of her previous life before her imprisonment, and she becomes upset at the monster that she has become. 

If you want more info, heres a link to one of my DA galleries: http://spellboundcanvas.deviantart.com/gallery/62634133/Locked-Up-Fanfic

Tell me what you think.

[EightBit 284]

I think it sounds cool, but I don't think that the spell is banned. If it was, Celestia would have arrested her in the episode. Ponyslaughter and misuse of magic would definitely be realistic charges, though. Another question is, do you know where you're going to take this story? While I don't know what you have planned for the ending, from experience as a proofreader, I know that it's difficult to come up with believable endings for stories like these. If you haven't yet come up with a believable ending, I recommend thinking long and hard about one before you begin to write, and I also recommend that you plan out each chapter to ensure that the pacing is good. With all that being said, good luck. It sounds interesting, and I can't wait to read it. 

[Adderbane 121]

I agree with what EightBit said about the ending.  It's always important, but in this sort of story, that's what will make or break it.

[Sione 1,108]

I like this, there aren't may out there like this one, you should make it less with the "spell banned" thought, so basically, what Abberbane and EightBit, but still good story.

[Prospekt 11,018]

I'm with @EightBit, @Adderbane, and @Sione concerning the "banned spell" and the ending. Your biggest challenge is to wrap it up believably. Is Twilight just never forgiven and we end her story in a dark place, or does she have to spend years trying to convince the princesses or the warden that she is worthy of forgiveness/parole/a pardon?

Anyways, I do love the concept. Alt-universe scenarios are what most of my own fic ideas revolve around. And these kinds of psychological fics are fascinating. I really do want to read this if you choose to develop it as a full-fledged story.

[Sione 1,108]

@Prospekt  Exactly, it's not really plausible, as in the " banned spell thought" at least, but all in all, great story.

[King of Canterlot 9,603]

It sounds like a pretty cool story, even Twilight Sparkle is not immune to the laws that govern Equestria...........

[Mortar 143]

From a legal standpoint, this would be considered Involuntary Manslaughter, in which case incarceration is not an automatic sentence.  Given Twilight's background and all the good she's done, and the circumstances that lead up to the incident, I highly doubt she'd be thrown in some Hellhole.  Now, that's not to say she wouldn't be confined in some manner; the equivalent of a minimum security prison, perhaps.  An additional punishment might be the removal of her magic for some period of time.  And of course, the crushing guilt that Twilight will feel.  Given her nature, that could be the greatest punishment of all.

[alvingarrett 0]

Yeah its very intresting informations!

[NomadSpellbrush 1,291]

Its been three years since I set out to write this fic, and I think I'm about ready to continue. The reason why I've been stuck on a long hiatus is because I can't for the life of me figure out how to write the officer that puts Twilight through the rest of the booking process. I want him to be an arsehole who talks down to her coldly, but I don't know how to write his dialogue without coming across as cheesy.

On 2017-11-05 at 11:23 PM, Mortar said:

From a legal standpoint, this would be considered Involuntary Manslaughter, in which case incarceration is not an automatic sentence.  Given Twilight's background and all the good she's done, and the circumstances that lead up to the incident, I highly doubt she'd be thrown in some Hellhole.  Now, that's not to say she wouldn't be confined in some manner; the equivalent of a minimum security prison, perhaps.  An additional punishment might be the removal of her magic for some period of time.  And of course, the crushing guilt that Twilight will feel.  Given her nature, that could be the greatest punishment of all.

Oh I'm going to throw her in prison. Maybe not a hellhole, but definitely not a minimum security prison.

[NomadSpellbrush 1,291]

On 2017-11-05 at 7:56 PM, Prospekt said:

I'm with @EightBit, @Adderbane, and @Sione concerning the "banned spell" and the ending. Your biggest challenge is to wrap it up believably. Is Twilight just never forgiven and we end her story in a dark place, or does she have to spend years trying to convince the princesses or the warden that she is worthy of forgiveness/parole/a pardon?

Anyways, I do love the concept. Alt-universe scenarios are what most of my own fic ideas revolve around. And these kinds of psychological fics are fascinating. I really do want to read this if you choose to develop it as a full-fledged story.

She'll be forgiven eventually. But after she is put through the rigors of institutional life.