5 Reasons You Don't Want To Be A Pony

[InfinityWhale 771]

(Written in the style of a Cracked article.)

 

Well, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a great show, no doubt, and they've managed to build an expansive and downright adorable world. But should you just pack up your bindlestiff and catch the first interdimensional train to Equestria? Let me stop you right there and give you some reasons why becoming a cartoon pony isn't quite as glamorous as you might think at first.

 

5. You could be an earth pony.

 

Of course, somebody's going to jump up and say that it would be fine to be an earth pony. After all, they live in a magical world, just the same as the rest of them. They get friends and they can seek out magic, and they are faster and stronger, with a deep connection to the ground. And it's true: earth ponies have great lives, and are allowed to enjoy all these things.

 

But they've lived with this all their lives. I mean, do you thing there was never a point where Applejack looked up at Rainbow Dash and said "Man, I wish I could fly?" (Add kitschy Southern accent to taste.) But they realized it wasn't for them, and got over it. As far as we can tell, that is, because they never mention it in the show. It's entirely possible every single day Pinkie Pie wishes she could do magic, just hides it to avoid conflict. But, for a newcomer into Equestria, it would be nigh impossible to adapt. Every day, toddling along the ground looking up at a pegasi pony who can zoom across the sky at speeds faster than sound? Having to take out the trash with your mouth while a unicorn can levitate it easily? WITH YOUR MOUTH? Eww.... gross. Just think of all the things you pick up on a daily basis, and how many of them you don't want anywhere near your mouth.

 

Of course, you could argue that you wouldn't be an Earth pony for any number of reasons, but in the end, it pales in comparison to the fact that you could have to pick up things with your mouth.

 

4. Ponyville is the only happy place.

 

Okay, remember the couple of scenes we've gotten in Canterlot? What's the general feel?

 

In "Becoming Popular", Rarity sees a LOT of the "in-crowd". And what are they? Sycophantic, pathetic people who follow two or three ponies to an obsessive degree. They change opinions on the spot whenever Rarity or Fancy Pants decide they like or dislike something. Do you think Fancy Pants is happy? He's so stuck in this rut that a single pony shows up with some new ideas, and he brings her into his inner circle without any hesitation at all. It's because she's the only one has any opinion of her own! When he calls her friends "charmingly rustic", what he's really saying is that they don't bow to his every whim and thought. For all we know, everything that Canterlot is based off could be the thoughts of this single pony!

 

And in other cities, it appears to be just the same. In Manehattan, all the ponies are expected to act the same, with major repercussions for Applejack mentioning a rooster. That's right, these ponies are so stuck in their ways that they are freaked out by a pony mentioning a bird they hadn't heard of.

 

Of course, it could only be in the large cities where this happens. Y'know, where most of them would live. After all, the relatively tiny burg of Ponyville seems happy. When they're not being attacked by whatever threat this big nasty world. Which leads us to...

 

3. You're not the dominant species.

 

We've seen some pretty nasty beasties in the show. Manticores, hydras, dragons, an eldritch god of chaos, quickly multiplying forces that devour every available foodsource for miles around, and whatever ungodly terror Twist is supposed to be.

 

*shudder*

 

But that's not all. Whenever there exists a pony with half a brain and malintent, they can apparently just go around twisting the other poneis around their fingers. Flim and Flam were able to nearly run the Apple Family out of business by manipulating the ponies of Ponyville. Trixie said she took down an Ursa Major, and everyone just stopped and believed her. No asking for evidence, no querying "How?" They just blindly accept that she did it, and move on with her life, which is allowing a pathetic showgirl show them up at everything their good at.

 

More than that, these ponies seem to have no natural defenses against anything. Well, scratch that, they have a few ponies as their natural defenses. Let's look at the Parasprite incident. The Parapsrites just eat and eat and eat to no end, and what do most ponies do? Panic. That's all they do. Well, I think the Mayor orders Twilight Sparkle to do something, but that's about it. So the Mane 6 (okay, Pinkie) set out to, and eventually solve the problem. One pony saves the entire town, with just about no help. The Aesop shouldn't have been "Trust your friends and believe in them" it should have been "Get off your flanks and do something to help."

 

That's not it, though. Applejack stopping the stampede. Fluttershy defeating the dragon. Heck, just the "Mysterious Mare Do Well" episode in general. If you take out the Mane 6, 6 young adult mares who have their own issues, Ponyville is seriously doomed. Not to mention the rest of Equestria, too.

 

2. Weird pony biology.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that if you're reading this, you're human or at least some related species. That being such, you probably have struggled all your life with human biology. The psychological impulses built in, the unique group psychology, hands (trust me, Lyra, they're not all that they're Cracked up to be).

 

Now take your body, and take it away. Then shove it into a body you've never deal with before. New muscles, new appendages, heck, even your organs wouldn't function the same way. Social customs would be brand-new, because they are based off of pony psychology, something which you probably haven't studied in depth. If you have, you don't have a lot to do with your life, and you should feel bad.

 

And, their civilization is completely unique from ours. You might not realize it, but everything you've lived with his been the results of millions of people making mistakes and learning from them. If you take that out and replace that, you've got a lot to learn before you can even start talking to the people without appearing to be a complete and total freak. You know that feeling where you offer to shake someone's hand and they just stare at it, the complete, refined, pure awkward that appears? Imagine that every day for years on end before you master basic pony to pony interactions.

 

The point I'm making is that humans have problems, but they're problems we've spent our entire lives dealing with. We shouldn't want to trade them away for a completely new set, but that's my last point.

 

1. It's just another world.

 

I'm about to get a little bit preachy, but bear with me, because what I'm saying is good.

 

We live in a world. It's not perfect, but its got its upsides. Now, we are all probably social outcasts here, and see only the crap the sometimes comes along with it, but I think that the main difference we get, in the end, is perspective. We can look at the show and see a society where the decadent are taking over, they all have to worship a dictator without whom they wouldn't have a cycle of day and night, and all the ponies would die without a select few. But we don't. We see a happy place where there are friends and interesting things happen and everyone tries to love each other. But that's our world, too. In our world, there are friends, and interesting things do happen all the time, and (believe it or not) most people have the best of intentions at heart, even if they can cause issues from time to time.

 

If we were to grow up in Equestria, and avoid all the issues I listed above, or at least be able to ignore them, then it wouldn't make us any happier. Our world-view is not based upon our world, it's based upon ourselves. If you are sad, it's not because the universe is making you sad, its because there are things that are causing you pain. In the pony world, they would be different, but they would be there. The ponies have their own psychological problems, just not ones there are continuously focused on, because in the end, its not important. What's important is that through the power of friendship, they can overcome these things. But that's true in real life, too.

 

I still love the show. It's a great show, and has lead me to some great friends and really cool people. But it's just stupid to say that you'd rather live in another world, when they have just the same amount of problems we do. After all, we're not ponies. We're human beings, and that's all right.

[Boxxi The Brony 119]

Woah, pretty good reasons, but I still might want to be you cannot stop my dream! WORLD PONY DOMINATION! Lol wut

[Treeboy 418]

Woah, pretty good reasons, but I still might want to be you cannot stop my dream! WORLD PONY DOMINATION! Lol wut

 

Agreed. You made some good points, but my curiosity is outweighing my reason.

[InfinityWhale 771]

Well, that's just the thing. It's OKAY to be curious. You can still like the show, and want to see Equestria. But there are infinite creative worlds out there. My problem comes when someone says that they just want to live there, because its so much happier and more beautiful than Earth. On the curiosity thing, my last point holds true, still.

[Titan Rising 2,156]

Well aside from all that I'm surprised no one has ever brought up the best reason of all... No thumbs :/

 

Also I would be happy to be an Earth Pony.. If my special talent was sword fighting! HUZZAH!

Edited July 25, 2012 by Hollowshield

[InfinityWhale 771]

Well aside from all that I'm surprised no one has ever brought up the best reason of all... No thumbs :/

 

Very funny, but I'm pretty sure that also has something to do with the fact that they get around the problem using things like sticky hooves and magic and whatnot.

[HunterTSN 1,444]

lets see...

1st: I'm perfectly happy being a human

2nd: I'm perfectly happy being a human

3rd: I'm perfectly happy being a human

4th: I'm perfectly happy being a human

5th: opposable thumbs

 

:/

Edited July 25, 2012 by thesteampunkninja

[Filly Pinkie Pie 208]

Woah, pretty good reasons, but I still might want to be you cannot stop my dream! WORLD PONY DOMINATION! Lol wut

 

I TOTALLY still want to be a pony. It's my lifelong dream (well, since I discovered the show) and it cannot be taken away from me. NEVER!!!

[InfinityWhale 771]

lets see...

1st: I'm perfectly happy being a human

2nd: I'm perfectly happy being a human

3rd: I'm perfectly happy being a human

4th: I'm perfectly happy being a human

5th: opposable thumbs

 

:/

 

Did you actually read my post? It's a very well-thought-out article, not just listing 5 reasons at random.

 

I TOTALLY still want to be a pony. It's my lifelong dream (well, since I discovered the show) and it cannot be taken away from me. NEVER!!!

 

But why do you want to be a pony? You can't just say that you do! There has to be some kind of logic behind it.

[Filly Pinkie Pie 208]

But why do you want to be a pony? You can't just say that you do! There has to be some kind of logic behind it.

 

To meet Pinkie Pie.

[HunterTSN 1,444]

Did you actually read my post? It's a very well-thought-out article, not just listing 5 reasons at random.

 

yes I did, and I quite agree with you, I was merely joking. I am quite happy being human and while I love ponies very much I don't think I would ever want to be one myself.

[Jadefire 2,797]

My list:

 

5: Thumbs. I need thumbs.

 

4: Strange technology. Equestria seems to have a real schizophrenic level of technology, but they appear to be largely mideival/ colonial level. That means there's no internet, and that would be terrible.

 

3: Nakedness. If humankind embraced nudism, would you be happy? Didn't think so.

 

2: Insert reason number 2 here.

 

1: Vegetarian diets aren't really my thing.

[InfinityWhale 771]

yes I did, and I quite agree with you, I was merely joking. I am quite happy being human and while I love ponies very much I don't think I would ever want to be one myself.

 

Oh. Thank you. I just put a lot of work into that, and it would annoy to me no end if someone just glossed over it without looking.

[LightningBlaze 0]

Hmmm, valid points, but being a pony could STILL be better than being human. I mean, they are a peaceful species. Do they want a war with each other? No. Humans just fight.

[Haven Celestii 9,385]

Very nice points there, good sir. I might still try it out, if I could change back and come back home that is. Otherwise, I would have to give it some serious thought.

[Pegasistersincethe80s 126]

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I just had to do it.

 

Those are some excellent reasons.. Although, I'd want to give being a pony a go if I could just do it for a bit.

[InfinityWhale 771]

Hmmm, valid points, but being a pony could STILL be better than being human. I mean, they are a peaceful species. Do they want a war with each other? No. Humans just fight.

 

I think you're forgetting the whole "Appaloosa" incident. I mean, yeah, ponies aren't always killing things, but they are ready to go rough and tumble when the time arrives. Not to mention the fact that not wanting to fight is usually a bad thing when EVERYTHING IS TRYING TO KILL YOU. I mean, humans evolved to fight because we had to fight everything on the way up. If ponies had evolved the same way we did, learning to kill to survive in a brutal death world, then they would be just as quick to go to war. Beyond that, there's the "Hearth's Warming Eve" episode, which shows that ponies aren't always as peaceful as they would seem.

Very nice points there, good sir. I might still try it out, if I could change back and come back home that is. Otherwise, I would have to give it some serious thought.

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I just had to do it.

 

Those are some excellent reasons.. Although, I'd want to give being a pony a go if I could just do it for a bit.

 

For a temporary change, yeah, I'd do it, too. But I'd do so for a lot of other worlds, as well.

[Thunderstorm 120]

I wouldn't mind being a pony for however long I want, then change back and such. But if it was permanent I'd have to think of it.. I'd miss my family and friends for sure.

 

Very good points. I SALUTE.

[InfinityWhale 771]

To meet Pinkie Pie.

 

Well, then there's another thing: Pinkie's just ONE pony in a world full of them. In the same way, there are tons and tons of interesting people out there. Odds are, if you go looking for someone as fun and zany as Pinkie Pie in the Real World, you could find them.

[PinkieFry 91]

Before I read the post, and just saw the title, the first thing that came to my mind was, "being an earth pony would SUCK because you'd have to do everything with your mouth."

Sure enough.... Twas there.

[Filly Pinkie Pie 208]

Well, then there's another thing: Pinkie's just ONE pony in a world full of them. In the same way, there are tons and tons of interesting people out there. Odds are, if you go looking for someone as fun and zany as Pinkie Pie in the Real World, you could find them.

 

Sorry, but you just described me. That's why I have to meet Pinkie Pie.

[Tycoon 79]

5. I'm very fine with accepting who am I, and whatever kind of pony I may be.

 

4. So I live in ponyville? xD

 

3. Well that's an easy one. I'm quite fine not being the dominate species. When I'm being protected by 2 regal Princesses such as Luna and Celestia, I've got nothing to worry about. Not to mention the mane 6 who might I add, are all armed with elements of harmoney. Yep, I don't think protection is a problem.

 

2. I know it's 5 reasons I don't to be a pony, but that's just how they live. Their DNA and body structure is entirely different than the human DNA, and I'm pretty sure none of those ponies said "I wish I had fingers." I'd be content having a pony body.

 

1. Wrong. it's just another word that's better than this world. It's selfish to want to be in a better world always, but it's in human nature to want what's best for ourselves. This world, as humans, is pretty damn bad. You have starvation, mass war, murder, destruction, theft, and ect. If I were a pony, I could eat grass. Starvation wouldn't exist. Referring to number 4, there probably wouldn't be any murder and destruction in Equestria. Point is, the bad parts of this world greatly outweigh the bad parts of Equestria.

 

If I could live in ponyville, I'd be 100% satisfied.

[Filly Pinkie Pie 208]

I wouldn't mind being a pony for however long I want, then change back and such. But if it was permanent I'd have to think of it.. I'd miss my family and friends for sure.

 

Very good points. I SALUTE.

 

I GIVE HUG TO YOU, AND GIVE SALUTE OF AGREEMENT.

[Skar 324]

Hmmm, valid points, but being a pony could STILL be better than being human. I mean, they are a peaceful species. Do they want a war with each other? No. Humans just fight.

 

*cough* Pre-Equestria was lots of conflicts. If they didn't make up, the three tribes probably would have went all out war.

 

Now for OP. I'd have to agree, I don't want to LIVE there, but VISIT it, as a pony. You really can't beat being a human. It's life that sucks, not humans, so make it better.

 

Although, my life is pretty good right now. I only want to go there for the curiosity, but eventually come back.

 

I want to go to Equestria

I want to meet Princess Celestia

I want to see that magical land

and have hooves instead of hands

 

I want to go to Ponyville

I want it to all be real

I want to say hi to everypony

that's my dream as a brony

Edited July 25, 2012 by Skar

[InfinityWhale 771]

5. I'm very fine with accepting who am I, and whatever kind of pony I may be.

 

4. So I live in ponyville? xD

 

3. Well that's an easy one. I'm quite fine not being the dominate species. When I'm being protected by 2 regal Princesses such as Luna and Celestia, I've got nothing to worry about. Not to mention the mane 6 who might I add, are all armed with elements of harmoney. Yep, I don't think protection is a problem.

 

2. I know it's 5 reasons I don't to be a pony, but that's just how they live. Their DNA and body structure is entirely different than the human DNA, and I'm pretty sure none of those ponies said "I wish I had fingers." I'd be content having a pony body.

 

1. Wrong. it's just another word that's better than this world. It's selfish to want to be in a better world always, but it's in human nature to want what's best for ourselves. This world, as humans, is pretty damn bad. You have starvation, mass war, murder, destruction, theft, and ect. If I were a pony, I could eat grass. Starvation wouldn't exist. Referring to number 4, there probably wouldn't be any murder and destruction in Equestria. Point is, the bad parts of this world greatly outweigh the bad parts of Equestria.

 

If I could live in ponyville, I'd be 100% satisfied.

 

You said that the bad parts of our world greatly outweigh the bad parts of Equestria. The problem is, like I said, a matter of world-view. We only ever see the times that Equestria is happy and content, or the times that they are saved in the end. You think nopony died in the changeling invasion? You think that there were things the Mysterious Mare Do Well couldn't stop? The fact is that there always problems, in any world, and just because we can't see them, doesn't mean that they aren't there.