I need some criticism

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

I was writing a Fanfiction on my OC and wanted to have some one read over it and tell me if it's good so far. Warning there is a bit of cursing in it and a bit of Violence/gore in it so...

Also keep in mind this is the first FanFic i've ever partially wrote. i need to know if I should continue or not.

 

 

I was thinking to myself “This is where it ends… I can’t believe it.” When I opened my eyes Chrysalis was right above me, charging her horn. Tasting the blood in my mouth I knew that I could not escape this attack. I decided to try and make peace with myself, just so I go out happy. Suddenly my life flashed before my eyes.

 

I could remember my Parents, how they were so supportive of me. At that point in time I knew no pony else. They said that we lived here, in the Everfree Forest, cause of the “Special” conditions of my birth. They once lived in this place called Ponyville. It was apparently a nice little town; it had many ponies and was very peaceful. They said there was a bit of controversy involving their marriage. Apparently it was odd for a Pegasus and a Unicorn to marry. Many shops refused to do business with them, so they had to make everything on their own. Eventually they decided to have a baby, which caused even more ridicule to them. The hospital didn’t want to let my mother have me in there so she had to have me at home. Thankfully there was a doctor that would stand by to make sure I came out without any complication. The one thing that my parents thought would bring joy into their hearts though, me, soon made a lot of trouble. I was born a healthy baby, but with one problem by society, I was a Pegacorn. The doctor instantly tried to kill me, my father said, but he had to do whatever it took to protect his baby, even if it meant killing that doctor right on the spot. They knew if the public caught hold of my birth and the doctor’s death that they would both be killed so they grabbed as much stuff as they could and ran off to the Forest. They knew that no pony would go in there to bother them so they could raise me and not have to worry about ridicule. They eventually made a home in a clearing far off from the entrance of the forest.

 

My Parents wanted me to be able to use my powers so from a young age my father taught me how to do magic and my mother taught me to fly. It was fun because they always made a game of it, like a bit of a magic aiming practice my father called “Arching” and a time trial my mother made me do through some rings in the clouds. It never seemed like work so I always liked it. this continued till I was about 8 when the tragedy happened…

 

I went out into the forest one day to explore like Daring Do, from the books my father had. My mother always told me not to go too far into the forest though because it was dangerous. Today I decided to go further than I have ever had. I was going to sit in this tall tree I found when I heard it. The blood curdling screams. I raced home only to find the door busted down. My parents were decapitated, and on the walls it said “You thought that you would never have to pay for those crimes you did in Ponyville, didn’t you. You’re sick and twisted marriage, your horrible freak of a child, and that doctor found dead in your house. You are fucking lucky that I didn’t find your hell baby or it would have been the first to go. I would have made you watch as I tore its wings and horn off. I would have done the world a favor… signed ~H” I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t stop crying. I just stood there for a few moments. “HOW COULD SOMEPONY DO THIS?” I screamed out in pain. I was just about to go and scream into my pillow when I heard “I knew that I would find you, you bastard.” I panicked and ran out the door, looking behind me I could see a Blue earth pony, around probably his late 30’s, chasing after me. I tried to shake him as fast as I could but he was faster. He was just about to grab me when I cut a tree branch from up above. It fell instantly and landed on his back. I heard a nasty Crunching noise. I turn around and see it had almost severed him in half. With his dyeing breath he said “I knew you would be nothing but trouble, we should have killed your parents before you were a twinkle in your father’s eye. Mark my words no pony is going to accept you, you are a freak, and if they knew what your parents did you would be instantly sent into a jail cell, never to see the light of day ag…” that’s when he died.

 

 

 

Edit on 8-8-12 11:42 cause of a spelling error I was made aware of.

Edited August 9, 2012 by CrazyClay

[Fire_Fly 499]

I like it! I'd make a few punctuational changes, but I think it's pretty well-structured, the tie-ins are good, and it's pretty easy to follow. Not to mention the opening is a pretty interesting draw. Overall, I say great work so far!

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

I like it! I'd make a few punctuational changes, but I think it's pretty well-structured, the tie-ins are good, and it's pretty easy to follow. Not to mention the opening is a pretty interesting draw. Overall, I say great work so far!

 

Thanks for the Advice. I will work on my punctuation i'm not the best with grammer so that's probobly why It seemed off.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

That wasn't that bad really. Hopefully you'll write out a lengthy story; I like lengthy stories.

 

Although, aren't ponies that have horns and wings considered Alicorns? I can get how they'd be called "Pegacorn" since they are created away from the Royal blood but wouldn't "Unisi" feel and sound a bit better?

[MuniMoose 489]

I say continue, the story held my attention so well I thought (Edited by CrazyClay, 48 minutes ago) was the end of the story scene.

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

That wasn't that bad really. Hopefully you'll write out a lengthy story; I like lengthy stories.

 

Although, aren't ponies that have horns and wings considered Alicorns? I can get how they'd be called "Pegacorn" since they are created away from the Royal blood but wouldn't "Unisi" feel and sound a bit better?

 

I do plan on making it a lenghty story, Trust me.

I call him a pegacorn cause that is what I we've have agreed on as the term for my OC through some debates on Alicorns and stuff.

 

I say continue, the story held my attention so well I thought (Edited by CrazyClay, 48 minutes ago) was the end of the story scene.

 

Sadly it was not it was just me saying

Also keep in mind this is the first FanFic i've ever partially wrote. i need to know if I should continue or not.

I do appriciate the feedback though. I will defenatly write more.

[WTFisupwithyouguys 24]

You spelled criticism wrong.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

I do plan on making it a lenghty story, Trust me.

I call him a pegacorn cause that is what I we've have agreed on as the term for my OC through some debates on Alicorns and stuff.

 

Sadly it was not it was just me saying

 

I do appriciate the feedback though. I will defenatly write more.

 

hmm...don't get me wrong here; your story is great right now but if I were you, I'd try to find a Beta Reader for your work.

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

hmm...don't get me wrong here; your story is great right now but if I were you, I'd try to find a Beta Reader for your work.

 

Thanks I will be looking for one. hopefully one who is way better with Grammar than I am cause I'm horrible with it.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Thanks I will be looking for one. hopefully one who is way better with Grammar than I am cause I'm horrible with it.

 

No problem there, I'm sure plenty are willing to help; it's finding a legitimately good one that knows proper spelling to a certain degree and if possible help find any plot holes or suggestions to work with. Make sure you find a good one by supplying them with, possibly, what you just wrote up above and having them correct anything with it. Personally try and find someone that reads a lot or has a higher level of education like in college for example.

 

Personally I've been reading fan fics well over six or seven years now and most don't have any originality in them. Glad to at least see you doing so here. As a side point I'm assuming that this is something in the past such as before the three different ponies, being Unicorn, Pegasi and Earth, were finally brought together in unity seeing as Mr. and Mrs. cake are seen with two different pony babies but no ridicule is seen. Unless this is a pony far outside of Equestria and thus outside of Celestia's control?

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

No problem there, I'm sure plenty are willing to help; it's finding a legitimately good one that knows proper spelling to a certain degree and if possible help find any plot holes or suggestions to work with. Make sure you find a good one by supplying them with, possibly, what you just wrote up above and having them correct anything with it. Personally try and find someone that reads a lot or has a higher level of education like in college for example.

 

Personally I've been reading fan fics well over six or seven years now and most don't have any originality in them. Glad to at least see you doing so here. As a side point I'm assuming that this is something in the past such as before the three different ponies, being Unicorn, Pegasi and Earth, were finally brought together in unity seeing as Mr. and Mrs. cake are seen with two different pony babies but no ridicule is seen. Unless this is a pony far outside of Equestria and thus outside of Celestia's control?

 

It is acctually when Discord ruled. Ponyville is usually a tolerent place, but when discord ruled it could have been filled with racists. IMHO discord was probobly more powerfull when he ruled then when he got out of his stone in the return of Harmony. The rest is still working it's self out in my head.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

It is acctually when Discord ruled. Ponyville is usually a tolerent place, but when discord ruled it could have been filled with racists. IMHO discord was probobly more powerfull when he ruled then when he got out of his stone in the return of Harmony. The rest is still working it's self out in my head.

 

I always went to believe no one was in charge in the beginning. Discord comes around and decides he can rule with a chaotic hand and doing so for probably around one, maybe two hundred years. No one likes it. The two princess's then go off to fight him with the element's of harmony in Celestia and Luna helping her out. After being turned to stone, a few hundred years pass off until the Nightmare Moon debacle. Another exactly thousand years and then we have the current show as it is now.

 

I can see how people might not want a "Pegacorn" around during Discord's rule, seeing as Discord himself is a mixture of beings as well, possibly a dragon and a alicorn? Or something around that.

[Black Star 62]

I like it. It's not bad. Hopefully you are going to finish it though right.

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

Well I just finished some more Paragraphs in my Fan fic and I transfered it to a google Doc so I could have someone proof read it. If anyone would be interested in being my proof reader could you message me. I want to make sure it has a little mistakes as possible before I update it.

[Bbplsloveme 42]

is the pony in your signature the pony in the story? if so, i don't know if i'm being a brony geek, but only royalty can be allicorns, and it dose not really seem like he is royalty (no offence)

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

is the pony in your signature the pony in the story? if so, i don't know if i'm being a brony geek, but only royalty can be allicorns, and it dose not really seem like he is royalty (no offence)

 

yes it it the pony in my signature, but he is not an Alicorn, he is a Pegacorn. Their is a difference. Alicorns also have the strenght of Earth ponies and live almost immortally, Pegacorns are just like Unicorns with wings, and live normal pony life spans.

[TheBreech 91]

My judgement of your sample here:

Interest: 10/10

Creativity: 10/10

Depth: 10/10

Originality:10/10

Sadness: 11/10

Yeah, this meets the requirements of a good FanFic to me

I was hooked by the background story, but I'd like to see this finished. One can't help but wonder how your Pegacorn ended up fighting Chrysalis...

Also, I have a few ideas for your story if you interested.

For example, how the Earth pony almost caught him, he wasn't flying? If he was tired from exploring that makes sense, but maybe you could put in details about his mixed birth screwed up his insticts with magic and flying?

Edited August 19, 2012 by TheBreech

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

My judgement of your sample here:

Interest: 10/10

Creativity: 10/10

Depth: 10/10

Originality:10/10

Sadness: 11/10

Yeah, this meets the requirements of a good FanFic to me

I was hooked by the background story, but I'd like to see this finished. One can't help but wonder how your Pegacorn ended up fighting Chrysalis...

Also, I have a few ideas for your story if you interested.

For example, how the Earth pony almost caught him, he wasn't flying? If he was tired from exploring that makes sense, but maybe you could put in details about his mixed birth screwed up his insticts with magic and flying?

 

I'm going through some of the kinks right now, The next part that I'll upload(when my newly hired Grammar Nazi, my Niece) Goes through it and fixes the mistakes. Also there are a bit of Plot holes and I will have to cover them. There is probably a lot of holes due to the fact I wrote it at 1:00 am one night.

 

I'm also trying to think ahead a bit to make sure the story has continuity.

[TrueBolt 12]

I went out into the forest one day to explore like Daring Do, from the books my father had. My mother always told me not to go too far into the forest though because it was dangerous. Today I decided to go further than I have ever had.

That last part should be: 'Today I had decided to go further that I ever had.'

 

I was born a healthy baby, but with one problem by society, I was a Pegacorn.

Replace that last coma with a period.

 

The doctor instantly tried to kill me, my father said, but he had to do whatever it took to protect his baby, even if it meant killing that doctor right on the spot. They knew if the public caught hold of my birth and the doctor’s death that they would both be killed so they grabbed as much stuff as they could and ran off to the Forest.

Here, clarify that the doctor tried to kill hif after he saw that he was a pegacorn. (Also, is there a difference between a pegacorn and an alicorn in this story?) Next, just state that his father killed the doctor in defence of his family. That should make for smoother reading.

 

I went out into the forest one day to explore like Daring Do, from the books my father had. My mother always told me not to go too far into the forest though because it was dangerous. Today I decided to go further than I have ever had. I was going to sit in this tall tree I found when I heard it. The blood curdling screams.

This part should be one paragraph.

 

I raced home only to find the door busted down. My parents were decapitated, and on the walls it said “You thought that you would never have to pay for those crimes you did in Ponyville, didn’t you. You’re sick and twisted marriage, your horrible freak of a child, and that doctor found dead in your house. You are fucking lucky that I didn’t find your hell baby or it would have been the first to go. I would have made you watch as I tore its wings and horn off. I would have done the world a favor… signed ~H”

This should also be another paragraph. One thing that dosent make much sense is the writing on the wall. Why would another pony write a mesage to the ones he just killed? Perhaps having the mane character finding the pony inside ranting at his parants dead bodies or something like that. Also you said that his parants were decapitated... Seeing as the earth pony had no weapons, he must have used his sheer strength, so you should specify exactly how they were decapitated. Maybe. It would be much simpler (and less gorrey) if you mentioned that the earth pony had a weapon that could cause that spacific injury. ... Or fatality in this case. Also, even with the assilant's aparant speed, there should still have been signs of struggle. There were two victims, even if there was verry little time between their deaths, one of his parants would have been able to either block or dodge a blow or two, which could have created some distruction aside from the ruined door.

 

I panicked and ran out the door, looking behind me I could see a Blue earth pony, around probably his late 30’s, chasing after me. I tried to shake him as fast as I could but he was faster.

He's a pegacorn. He can fly. Logicly, this should specify that his wings were locked up, or that the assasin caught him before he could take off. From the end of the last paragraph spot I mentioned, up to this point should also be it's own paragraph.

 

that’s when he died.

Eeh, kina lame if you ask me. If you can't think up something that gives it a bit more weight, it should still be capitalized.

 

Now for my feedback. I liked the idea of the going back to the past thing. It gives it some depth. However, if you are planing to go through most of the fic using flashbacks, I discourage it. The reader will become frustrated that they don't get to see what happens with Chrysalis. You can do it, but make sure to start back on the 'now' in no less than three flashbacks. You can do more later, but the focus needs to be on the 'now' for most of the fic. If you want a reference for begining a story with blashbacks, look up 'The Suprising Adventures Of A Glaceon In Unova'. It was done verry verry well there. I like both points you wrote about. the 'now' and the past. The were both interesting and compelling. I find myself wanting to continue reading. XD One thing about being an author is that as you may get a lot of people that don't like you're story, there are going to be a groupe that LOVE it and want updates at least once a week. Such is the life of the linguistic writer. (Unless it's just a horable fic that NO one likes. XD ) Aaaand that's it. Hope I was helpfull.

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

Okay, sorry to be harsh but heres a list of flaws

-If you want to set this during dicords rule (1000+ prior to current events) there would be: no Daring Doo (or printed books for that matter), no Ponyville (founded within Granny Smiths lifetime), most likely no hospital (maybe a midwive)

-the whole violence and gritty feel does not go well with the established facts about Equestria: the Ponyville you described would be covered by snow ten times over

-exactly why is a marriage between species frowned upon?

[Some_random_guy 1,857]

Okay, sorry to be harsh but heres a list of flaws

-If you want to set this during dicords rule (1000+ prior to current events) there would be: no Daring Doo (or printed books for that matter), no Ponyville (founded within Granny Smiths lifetime), most likely no hospital (maybe a midwive)

-the whole violence and gritty feel does not go well with the established facts about Equestria: the Ponyville you described would be covered by snow ten times over

-exactly why is a marriage between species frowned upon?

 

I'm probably going to scrap the story and start over some other time.

I haven't been able to think of the next part of the story for a month and I started it at a horrible time(1am in the morning)