My First Fan Fiction- Descendants of Harmony

[Bari 7,023]

Hello, this is my first try at writing something. I really need criticism and help with anything possible. I came up with this idea after thinking about how some people emulate their favorite pony.

 

Prologue

 

A long time ago, there existed a kingdom known as Equestria. It was a peaceful land, ruled by two princesses, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. They strove to maintain balance among the inhabitants of Equestria. But all was not harmonious. On many an occasion, attackers disrupted the peaceful lives of the citizens. Thankfully, there existed 6 very important ponies. They wielded the power of the Elements of Harmony, ancient artifacts said to harness power greater than that of the Princesses. With them, any threat to Equestria could be driven off. But, nothing lasts forever. A threat unlike any before it rose to challenge the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. A pony by the name of Elron used forgotten spells to undo the magic that bound the Elements to their bearers. With their weapons neutralized, the 6 ponies were less of a challenge to Elron's legion of Outcasts. The Outcasts were criminals who'd been imprisoned within Tartarus. Elron had set them free by destroying the barrier that held Tartarus together. Elron then eliminated the 6 bearers and drained them of their innate magical energy. With their most powerful weapons gone, the forbidden magic of the Outcasts overwhelmed the Equestrian army's sheer numbers.The Princesses had tried their best to fight back, but the magic Elron had drained from the 6 ponies made him far more powerful. It wasn't long before the Princesses were stripped of their powers and executed. The Elements of Harmony were given to the tides of time, spreading away from each other. The Elements soon ended up scattered across Equestria, for the most part dormant. The happy and carefree inhabitants of this once peaceful land had nothing left. Those who felt like Equestria was dead left behind all they knew and sought a new home. Elron and his Outcasts had chosen to allow the ponies to leave. They could not stop him now, so there was no point in forcing them to live within his kingdom. Tribes soon formed, but not by race distinction like of old. Ponies ended up gathering around the sleeping Elements of Harmony. Each of the tribes began to emulate the Element they built their homes around. Magic, Kindness, Laughter, Loyalty, Generosity, and Honesty. Each of these traits became the basis for a tribe. Time passed, and Equestria was forgotten. But what of Elron and his Outcasts? What had happened to Equestria after many had left it? Few among the tribes wonder this fact. They go about their everyday lives, never once thinking about the land of lore. Their main concern is keeping each other in check. The peace of old no longer exists. Ponies who aren't in the same tribe consider each other an enemy. Despite embodying the Elements of Harmony, the ponies only feel the need to express those qualities to their fellow tribe ponies. Ponies of Kindness are only kind to fellow Kindness ponies, for example. But what of those who still remember? Does nopony wish they could have the peace and harmony that once existed? This is the story of one such pony and the journey she took to learn the why and how of the world she lived in.

 

 

Okay, I hope this isn't too awful. This is only my first try. Like I said, I'm open to all constructive criticism. So, what do you think? I need a name for my main character.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Berry Pie

[ZStrike37 107]

It's pretty good I think! I think Elron is a pretty cool name. This seems kind of like a prologue and so brevity is well-appreciated. It's clear, concise, and introduces the basis for the plot to build on.

 

Something that I crossed my mind was when you talked about how the tribes embodied the Element that they gathered around and also how they viewed ponies of other tribes as enemies. Here, I think it would be a good idea to describe exactly how they view other ponies as an enemy. In other words, why would ponies who want to embody Kindess think ill of other ponyfolk? Does that make sense?

 

Also, and maybe this is just me, I'd like to know what the Princesses did when Elron dispersed the Elements. Did they fight to the bitter end? Did they give up on the condition that their subjects be allowed to live? Nothing too in depth to allow some possible plot development later on, of course.

 

You have a good idea and the possibilities are endless indeed. I think the best stories are the ones where the writer enjoys writing it, so as long as you have fun with it, it will turn out great. Music helps me think of stuff and even in the middle of writing a chapter, I'll think of something to throw in that I think works so keep yourself open to ideas and don't be afraid to experiment. Have fun!

[Jeremytheunicorn 1]

Wow. Princess Celestia and Luna are dead in your story? What got you thinking your hopes and beliefs are being threatned and challenged?

[Dr_Waveband 745]

This sounds like an interesting premise for a fanfic - you could do a lot with this. It may not be the most mind-blowing idea ever, but people will no doubt be interested in reading further after such a setup.

 

Now, about your writing style... it's a bit bland, honestly. A prologue can be more declarative in style than the actual thing, but you should try to draw the reader in from the very start. Pay attention to your choice of words and try to find interesting ways of saying things. For example, the very beginning could go like this:

 

"In times now forgotten by all but the oldest of tomes, these lands were ruled by two godly princesses: the sisters Celestia and Luna. Their kingdom was called 'Equestria', and its inhabitants were free and happy. The princesses' rule was fair, as they maintained balance and harmony amongst their subjects. But no peace can remain forever undisturbed in a world such as ours."

 

... Or something like that. Of course, you're free to choose your own style, but always be aware of what it's like and what you're trying to achieve with it.

 

A couple of things bugged me that I think you should explain more clearly. Firstly, who and what is Elron, exactly? Why is he so powerful? He's obviously not just a run-of-the-mill unicorn.

Secondly, how does he actually rule over his kingdom? Do the tribes pay him taxes, or is he a ruler in name alone? If so, what if someone tried to overthrow him? Would he have a well-fed and well-equipped army to defend his possessions... and where did he get all the soldiers and supplies from if not from his own kingdom?

Most importantly, why is Elron's rule so bad? Why do the ponies feel like their world has been destroyed? You're only describing a coup d'état, not the end of the world.

The backstory should make sense so the reader won't be distracted from following the actual plot.

 

I have to point this sentence out, as well: "The happy and carefree inhabitants of this once peaceful land had nothing left." Were they really still happy and carefree after losing their homes? Just a small brain fart there.

 

After all that critique, I really think you should continue this story. The best way to learn writing is by writing, and you're not off to a bad start, by any means. I'd like to see what kind of a story you'll conjure up from such a prologue.

[Bari 7,023]

 

Thanks Doc. Finally the critique I needed. I was hoping you could give a name for the main character though. Well, I'm going to rework it and I hope you will check it out after I'm done.

[Dr_Waveband 745]

You should first describe the main character so I can actually think of a name for him/her, now shouldn't you?

 

 

(Some more words.)