Macrocosm

[Silver fox 117 49]

  This is my first fanfic I have ever written, so I would love to hear your guys thoughts on it and to tell me how I can improve. It isn't done yet, but I would be posting on this again every week when I write a new chapter. Thanks whoever reads this. 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/87188/macrocosm

[GrooveBroove 680]

Im assuming Macrocosm was labeled as Mystery on the Blue PLanet on fimfiction.com? (I don't read to much fanfiction so  you have to excuse my  asking).

 

Anyway having just read it I have to say this is a good draft for a Fan Fiction.

There's some typos in there (Which isn't a big deal 90% of fan ficition entails that) and some odd pacing (The cloaks seem to pop out of nowhere but then again that can just be part of the story). Regardless Its going quite well I would have to say.

[Silver fox 117 49]

Im assuming Macrocosm was labeled as Mystery on the Blue PLanet on fimfiction.com? (I don't read to much fanfiction so  you have to excuse my  asking).

 

Anyway having just read it I have to say this is a good draft for a Fan Fiction.

There's some typos in there (Which isn't a big deal 90% of fan ficition entails that) and some odd pacing (The cloaks seem to pop out of nowhere but then again that can just be part of the story). Regardless Its going quite well I would have to say.

Yeah typos and things like that are my biggest weakness in writing. I read through it twice and I thought it was typo free, but I have trouble just catching them. Thanks for your positive review that really helps my enthusiasm alot. 

[GrooveBroove 680]

Yeah typos and things like that are my biggest weakness in writing. I read through it twice and I thought it was typo free, but I have trouble just catching them. Thanks for your positive review that really helps my enthusiasm alot. 

Oh no problem, if there were any big issues I would be sure to let you know.

As for typos that second set of eyes helps a lot.

Since even for my own things, I tend to miss a lot of errors.

[Silver fox 117 49]

Oh no problem, if there were any big issues I would be sure to let you know.

As for typos that second set of eyes helps a lot.

Since even for my own things, I tend to miss a lot of errors.

You know it would be great if you could be my editor or something like that, or atleast you could tell me the typos now and how to fix them so I can fix them.

[GrooveBroove 680]

You know it would be great if you could be my editor or something like that, or atleast you could tell me the typos now and how to fix them so I can fix them.

I'l let you know now that im not the best editior out there but I could help with some of the bigger errors I noticed.

I wouldn't be able to make your ficitions flawless, but i suppose every little bit helps right?

[Silver fox 117 49]

I'l let you know now that im not the best editior out there but I could help with some of the bigger errors I noticed.

I wouldn't be able to make your ficitions flawless, but i suppose every little bit helps right?

Exactly, my thoughts. Do you  think that we could talk about this tomorrow I kind of have to go to bed right now though. Damn parents having me go to bed on specific times lol.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

It was fairly short so I gave it a go.  First off, your character is extremely depressed all the time but you never give us a reason as to why exactly he is.  Yes, people can be depressed just because.  It just feels like there wasn't any attention brought to that, like it was an add on to make the character like that for no reason.  I had a hard time continuing on because of that one thing.

 

You have some writing redundancy errors that pop up from time to time.  For instance -

 

The first thing that I do in the morning is take a shower, and considering that this is a normal morning I went to take a shower.

 

You've already stated that he takes a shower in the morning, why state it again if it adds nothing at all?  Also, you use absolutely no descriptive details in your story whatsoever.  You move the scene by the characters thoughts and never his actions.  While not a bad thing to do this, you should keep the reader engrossed into your story with how you paint your world. 

 

I sat on my bed watching my alarm clock. I set it to 6:30, but yet again I have beaten my clock. I always wake up before it goes off. I don't even know why I have it. I suppose for those mornings that it actually does work, but that hasn't happened in a long time. Instead of sitting on the bed like a sloth I decided to turn my alarm clock off ten minutes early and put an early start on my day. The first thing that I do in the morning is take a shower, and considering that this is a normal morning I went to take a shower. I love taking showers in the morning it helps me wake up and gives me time to think about what I am going to do today. However, today was different. I was left alone with my sorrowful thoughts. The shower's warm water feels like a blanket on my bare skin. The kind my mother used to make. You would think that would get rid of my troubles, but all that it did was bring back bad memories. Terrible memories. I hate being alone with my thoughts.

 

Here's an example of what could be done with that first paragraph.

 

I sat on my bed watching the alarm clock.  The light of the clock was the only thing illuminating the room with it's eery green glow.  I have a tendency of waking up earlier than when I set my clock.  I'm not even sure why I go through with the effort of setting it.  It's six twenty; ten whole minutes before I need to wake up.

 

"Screw this," I say, before grabbing the clock to turn the alarm off.  "I may as well start my day now."

 

First thing to do on my repetitive routine: take a shower.  Getting up from my bed, I slowly make my way over to the bathroom.  A shower usually has me feeling very good and getting me pumped up for the day to come.  Not today.  For some reason, I just felt really... off.  My thoughts kept going into a depressive streak as I stood there in the shower.  It's going to be one of those days, I think to myself as I stood there thinking about the day to come.  I hate being alone in my own thoughts.

 

That's just one way that it could be taken.  Other than that, there are some errors here or there.  Another thing that popped up was those cloaked men.  It felt weird, like your character didn't even care that they were following him at all until he decided to confront them.  And just when did they start following him?  From how it came off, I thought it started at the school. 

 

I suppose just try to think of things to add in that could make your story flow better and keep the reader attentive and wanting more. 

[GrooveBroove 680]

Havard here definitely went all out with his post and it's a great starting point for you.

But i'm still up for helping you here and there just PM me.

[Silver fox 117 49]

It was fairly short so I gave it a go.  First off, your character is extremely depressed all the time but you never give us a reason as to why exactly he is.  Yes, people can be depressed just because.  It just feels like there wasn't any attention brought to that, like it was an add on to make the character like that for no reason.  I had a hard time continuing on because of that one thing.

 

You have some writing redundancy errors that pop up from time to time.  For instance -

 

The first thing that I do in the morning is take a shower, and considering that this is a normal morning I went to take a shower.

 

You've already stated that he takes a shower in the morning, why state it again if it adds nothing at all?  Also, you use absolutely no descriptive details in your story whatsoever.  You move the scene by the characters thoughts and never his actions.  While not a bad thing to do this, you should keep the reader engrossed into your story with how you paint your world. 

 

I sat on my bed watching my alarm clock. I set it to 6:30, but yet again I have beaten my clock. I always wake up before it goes off. I don't even know why I have it. I suppose for those mornings that it actually does work, but that hasn't happened in a long time. Instead of sitting on the bed like a sloth I decided to turn my alarm clock off ten minutes early and put an early start on my day. The first thing that I do in the morning is take a shower, and considering that this is a normal morning I went to take a shower. I love taking showers in the morning it helps me wake up and gives me time to think about what I am going to do today. However, today was different. I was left alone with my sorrowful thoughts. The shower's warm water feels like a blanket on my bare skin. The kind my mother used to make. You would think that would get rid of my troubles, but all that it did was bring back bad memories. Terrible memories. I hate being alone with my thoughts.

 

Here's an example of what could be done with that first paragraph.

 

I sat on my bed watching the alarm clock.  The light of the clock was the only thing illuminating the room with it's eery green glow.  I have a tendency of waking up earlier than when I set my clock.  I'm not even sure why I go through with the effort of setting it.  It's six twenty; ten whole minutes before I need to wake up.

 

"Screw this," I say, before grabbing the clock to turn the alarm off.  "I may as well start my day now."

 

First thing to do on my repetitive routine: take a shower.  Getting up from my bed, I slowly make my way over to the bathroom.  A shower usually has me feeling very good and getting me pumped up for the day to come.  Not today.  For some reason, I just felt really... off.  My thoughts kept going into a depressive streak as I stood there in the shower.  It's going to be one of those days, I think to myself as I stood there thinking about the day to come.  I hate being alone in my own thoughts.

 

That's just one way that it could be taken.  Other than that, there are some errors here or there.  Another thing that popped up was those cloaked men.  It felt weird, like your character didn't even care that they were following him at all until he decided to confront them.  And just when did they start following him?  From how it came off, I thought it started at the school. 

 

I suppose just try to think of things to add in that could make your story flow better and keep the reader attentive and wanting more. 

Thanks for the ideas man. I love how you actually spent the time to tell me to improve and gave me an example instead of pointing and saying I don't like that. I really appreciate it man and the whole depression thing and the cloaks you weren't really supposed to know why yet. Also repetition kills me in writing.

Edited March 4, 2013 by Silver fox 117

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Thanks for the ideas man. I love how you actually spent the time to tell me to improve and gave me an example instead of pointing and saying I don't like that. I really appreciate it man and the whole depression thing and the cloaks you weren't really supposed to know why yet. Also repetition kills me in writing.

I do this whenever I get the chance.  Most of the people on this site either never respond or practically vanish once I show them something so I never know what happens with their stuff.  Just keep trying with your stuff and make sure to always keep in mind that no one improves without trying in the first place for something to be improved on.  I'll be around the place from time to time, mostly art'ing away or writing my own fanfics of the strange and the comedic.  Throw a 'hey ya' ' whenever you feel like or if you need some look over in you stuff.  Depending on what I'm doing, I'll try to help if I have the time.

[Silver fox 117 49]

I do this whenever I get the chance.  Most of the people on this site either never respond or practically vanish once I show them something so I never know what happens with their stuff.  Just keep trying with your stuff and make sure to always keep in mind that no one improves without trying in the first place for something to be improved on.  I'll be around the place from time to time, mostly art'ing away or writing my own fanfics of the strange and the comedic.  Throw a 'hey ya' ' whenever you feel like or if you need some look over in you stuff.  Depending on what I'm doing, I'll try to help if I have the time.

Thanks man for everything. That was exactly what I was thinking when I started writing. I am not going to get any better unless I start writing. Still thanks for the help I really appreciate it. 

[Silver fox 117 49]

Well the second chapter of Macrocosm is now up I just finished it and edited it. Here we go again tell me your thoughts and ways I can improve myself. Also, can anyone of you guys draw me a picture of the OC in my story that would be great thanks.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/87188/macrocosm

[Silver fox 117 49]

Third chapter for Macrocosm  is out and can someone please draw my OC for it. Tell me your thoughts and ways I can improve myself.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=category&user=97660

[Kitty Cat Moonshire 629]

You know it would be great if you could be my editor or something like that, or atleast you could tell me the typos now and how to fix them so I can fix them.

As a Certified Grammar Nazi, I might be able to help you with said issue.

Could you send me the file? Perhaps by email, or something, and I could read over it for you.

Might take a bit of time, although.

If you want the help, that is.

[Silver fox 117 49]

As a Certified Grammar Nazi, I might be able to help you with said issue.

Could you send me the file? Perhaps by email, or something, and I could read over it for you.

Might take a bit of time, although.

If you want the help, that is.

That would be wonderful thank you so much and what is your email. Having help would be very much appreciated. Also i loled at the grammar nazi thing you said.

[Kitty Cat Moonshire 629]

That would be wonderful thank you so much and what is your email. Having help would be very much appreciated. Also i loled at the grammar nazi thing you said.

I'll message it to you, as I'd rather not put it up on the forums for all to spam, if you know what I mean.

Some people are serious trolls

[Silver fox 117 49]

Ok well chapter 4 of Macrocosm is out today and I hope you guys like it. Sorry for it taking so long, I really had a lot of things to do with school, and it didn't help with the fact my laptop caught on fire deleting all my work. Well here it is.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/87188/macrocosm