EASA - A Last Hope

[Comet Tail 808]

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8927/EASA---A-Last-Hope

 

This is why I joined, lol, so please comment

[Queen Cassie 3,057]

I understand the pain of not seeing replies to your work, so I shall comment thusly.

 

The first thing I noticed was that the formatting...could use significant work. The paragraphs ran together in such a way that at first I could barely tell what was being said. Formatting is important because you can have the best story ever, but if your formatting is poor, the story won't read well.

 

The exposition is fairly clunky. One of the most important concepts in writing, and admittedly a difficult concept to understand, is that of showing, not telling. I won't attempt to explain it myself because it's one I only recently came to understand, and at that only partially. (But there will be an explanation at the end of this post.)

 

The prose could use some improvement too, especially with the way the sentences were far too passive. Active sentences cultivate interest. Passive sentences will not do that all that well. Of course sometimes you can't avoid passive sentences, and nor should you try to make every sentence active, but in general, favor active over passive.

 

Proofreading is also a must. I spotted many spelling, grammatical, and punction errors.

 

I'm not sure that a character named directly after a real person, only with a doctorate in philosophy was necessarily a good idea, though I think I understand why you made the character.

 

The overall concept is definitely a good one. Equestrian Space Agencies are always neat, and it's good to see a quality use of science. I'm also rather intrigued by this potential war with the gryphons.

 

There's a lot of potential here, but it needs significant improvement. If I may make a suggestion...

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US

 

This is the Editor's Omnibus, from Equestria Daily. Although it's technically geared towards submissions to their website, it does have a lot of good, quality writing advice that should go without saying, but in the fanfiction world often doesn't. It explains show versus tell in a manner that helped me finally grasp the concept, and it also contains a number of links to other useful resources for improving one's writing ability.

 

One of the most important things I can say to you is to not give up on writing. Becoming a good writer takes a lot of practice, a lot of hard work, and a lot of sweat and tears. I don't claim to be a good writer myself...I can recognize issues and problems, but actually writing in a convincing, effective manner still eludes me, even with the improvements in my ability to write that have come to me recently.

 

I hope I was helpful.

[Comet Tail 808]

I understand the pain of not seeing replies to your work, so I shall comment thusly.

 

The first thing I noticed was that the formatting...could use significant work. The paragraphs ran together in such a way that at first I could barely tell what was being said. Formatting is important because you can have the best story ever, but if your formatting is poor, the story won't read well.

 

The exposition is fairly clunky. One of the most important concepts in writing, and admittedly a difficult concept to understand, is that of showing, not telling. I won't attempt to explain it myself because it's one I only recently came to understand, and at that only partially. (But there will be an explanation at the end of this post.)

 

The prose could use some improvement too, especially with the way the sentences were far too passive. Active sentences cultivate interest. Passive sentences will not do that all that well. Of course sometimes you can't avoid passive sentences, and nor should you try to make every sentence active, but in general, favor active over passive.

 

Proofreading is also a must. I spotted many spelling, grammatical, and punction errors.

 

I'm not sure that a character named directly after a real person, only with a doctorate in philosophy was necessarily a good idea, though I think I understand why you made the character.

 

The overall concept is definitely a good one. Equestrian Space Agencies are always neat, and it's good to see a quality use of science. I'm also rather intrigued by this potential war with the gryphons.

 

There's a lot of potential here, but it needs significant improvement. If I may make a suggestion...

 

https://docs.google....Y/edit?hl=en_US

 

This is the Editor's Omnibus, from Equestria Daily. Although it's technically geared towards submissions to their website, it does have a lot of good, quality writing advice that should go without saying, but in the fanfiction world often doesn't. It explains show versus tell in a manner that helped me finally grasp the concept, and it also contains a number of links to other useful resources for improving one's writing ability.

 

One of the most important things I can say to you is to not give up on writing. Becoming a good writer takes a lot of practice, a lot of hard work, and a lot of sweat and tears. I don't claim to be a good writer myself...I can recognize issues and problems, but actually writing in a convincing, effective manner still eludes me, even with the improvements in my ability to write that have come to me recently.

 

I hope I was helpful.

 

 

Oh yes, definitely! This is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for! Thanks a lot!

 

[i was going to insert a picture of Twilight grinning right here, until I realized it was exactly the same as your Avatar, lol]

 

I really look forward to reading that omnibus. I'll do it ASAP tomorrow, but for now I must sleep

 

Also, I really look forward to proofreading it again with these things in mind. Knowing what's wrong is really, really exciting, because that means I can set to work to improve it

 

I think I have an idea of what you mean by show instead of tell, but the issue is really more that of exposition, I guess. But in hindsight, good writing is probably a lot more important than a short exposition.

 

Heh, there's that section where Celestia's in the library, did you think that was tell? I guess I should've written it differently, but the plan was to make it kind of like those were her thoughts. I guess what I need is a more clear format to convey thoughts... Did it come across that way, that those were her thoughts?

 

Because, I'll have to look over it again, but I thought I did a decent job of it at the very first part. Once again, though, lots of what was written was actually intended to be Celestia's thoughts.

 

Maybe I could write it in first person of the thinker whenever it's a thought?

 

EDIT:

Hmm, now for the name, you've got me thinking of switching it to Dr. Brown. It's very similar, but not the same... And the doctor is a must, lol. Phd, doctorate of philosophy in engineering.

Edited February 1, 2012 by EASA - Dr. Braun

[Queen Cassie 3,057]

Generally, when it comes to writing thoughts, a good way to portray that is through italicized text. That's the standard I've always used, and one that I've seen countless others use, including in plenty of published works.

 

That first part in the library was indeed tell, because I didn't realize those were supposed to be Celestia's thoughts...it just seemed like the narrator was spilling out the info. I also was under the mistaken impression at first that the initial scene was taking place in the past, after the formation of Equestria but prior to Celestia's first battle with Discord.

 

Dr. Brown wouldn't be that bad a name change...though it might be better to ponify it a little more if you could...I'm not sure how since I'm not that great with names, but it's a kernal of idea for you to chew on.

[Comet Tail 808]

Wohoo! I'm a squirrel now instead of a butterfly!

 

Anyways,

 

I re-did the story. Please do give it a try, I think it's significantly better now, and I've given it plenty, and I do mean plenty of re-readings.

 

To be honest, It's been so long I can't recall all the changes off the top of my head, but I do know I added a lot more action (like, physical action, not hollywood-explosion action ) changed the library scene to include Luna and Celestia, mostly Luna. I also used first person view on more intense or thought-filled scenes, so the narrator was a character. The library scene involves a lot more action now instead of just thought, though I do admit the very last scene with Gilda has a lot of thought/flashback, I think it flows decently, but not great, but it's not so much a necessary evil, so much as a necessary not-great. At first analysis it may seem like tell, but on reading it, it's more of show, because it actually presents a physical scene for the reader to imagine, so it's more like a flashback sort of deal. Though not actually a flashback, it reads like a flashback instead of the narrator spilling exposition.

 

Generally, when it comes to writing thoughts, a good way to portray that is through italicized text. That's the standard I've always used, and one that I've seen countless others use, including in plenty of published works.

 

That first part in the library was indeed tell, because I didn't realize those were supposed to be Celestia's thoughts...it just seemed like the narrator was spilling out the info. I also was under the mistaken impression at first that the initial scene was taking place in the past, after the formation of Equestria but prior to Celestia's first battle with Discord.

 

Dr. Brown wouldn't be that bad a name change...though it might be better to ponify it a little more if you could...I'm not sure how since I'm not that great with names, but it's a kernal of idea for you to chew on.

A few references in the first scene reveal that it's after discord was defeated, it's mentioned how he's coming out again, and that he's still weak from last time.

 

As for zurr Doctor, I'm thinking of having Twilight kinda take his role as, not the expert on space propulsion, but the person that initially gathers the scientists/engineers together for the program. Dr. Hoof, something a mix of Warner Von Braun and Goddard, a somewhat eccentric brilliant inventor takes the place of the knowledgable rocket engineer.

 

IMO, OC's are a necessary evil for this case. Okay, OC's aren't evil, but I prefer to use canon characters whenever possible.

 

I can't wait to get to Spitfire's entrance. She's a perfect astronaut, btw

(Yeah, I know Mary Sue is a problem, but I got this covered, and I think the anti-Mary Sue stigma can take a little bit of a bow for this one case, I mean, she's an astronaut-Wonderbolt, so that doesn't even apply here.)

Edited March 29, 2012 by EASA - Dr. Braun

[Queen Cassie 3,057]

I would reread it, but it appears to be password protected, so I can't.

[Comet Tail 808]

I would reread it, but it appears to be password protected, so I can't.

 

Lol, sorry, fixed it.

Edited March 29, 2012 by EASA - Dr. Braun

[Queen Cassie 3,057]

Well, to be honest...it felt rather disjointed. I recognized little bits of what I'd read before, but too much, especially near the end, kept shifting in tone or otherwise didn't seem all that clear. In particular the shift from third person to first person narrative--not to mention the switch to another viewpoint in first person at the end with Gilda--is not something I would advise. Narrative shifts like that are difficult to utilize correctly without confusing the reader.

 

Beyond that I feel like it could still use some significant work in other aspects, particularly formatting and general grammar/spelling/punctuation correction.

 

I do like the ideas buried within. In particular this threat of a war with the gryphons seems rather interesting...and yet, all four parts of it, from Celestia at the beginning, the issue with Scootaloo's scooter, and Luna and Gilda's perspectives all seem to have little to do with each other.

 

Still, I believe it is a definite improvement upon what I read previously, so that's good. It could still use plenty of more work, however.

[Comet Tail 808]

Well, to be honest...it felt rather disjointed. I recognized little bits of what I'd read before, but too much, especially near the end, kept shifting in tone or otherwise didn't seem all that clear. In particular the shift from third person to first person narrative--not to mention the switch to another viewpoint in first person at the end with Gilda--is not something I would advise. Narrative shifts like that are difficult to utilize correctly without confusing the reader.

 

Beyond that I feel like it could still use some significant work in other aspects, particularly formatting and general grammar/spelling/punctuation correction.

 

I do like the ideas buried within. In particular this threat of a war with the gryphons seems rather interesting...and yet, all four parts of it, from Celestia at the beginning, the issue with Scootaloo's scooter, and Luna and Gilda's perspectives all seem to have little to do with each other.

 

Still, I believe it is a definite improvement upon what I read previously, so that's good. It could still use plenty of more work, however.

Ahck! I wish I could say my fiction was the only place I seem to struggle with clarity...

Honestly I'm not sure how to go about fixing that. I don't think it's all too bad, is it? I guess making sentences shorter and simpler, but I'm not sure how to still convey the message with shorter, simpler sentences without being repetitive.

 

Hmm. Then I'd spend some time trying to study how to utilize those without confusing the reader.

 

"I stood, facing down into the mud, the rain pouring on me, dripping down my light helmet onto the ground. Beak open..." By the second sentence, it's clearly no longer Luna, unless Luna has a beak. With "my claws" later on, it might become somewhat confusing, until we see her think of herself as "Gilda". I'm trying to not make the the revelation that it's Gilda too obvious - as in placing it somewhere it doesn't naturally belong, since that would make the reader too aware of the text, effectively pulling them out of the story.

 

Hindsight; I should replace "claw" with "talon"...

 

I need an editor, I think. I've reread it many times, I guess I just need to search harder. But I'll do that later at not-130am...

 

Oh, they're all connected, to be sure. Not Scootaloo's scooter, specifically, but the lesson they learned there was definitely connected to Luna's endeavor at the library, which is the solution to the problem posed with Celestia's scene.

 

Stark contrast is what I was aiming for with Gilda's scene - from the warm, homely all-day nap in the library with a warm, benign regal alicorn, to a military-type setting in rain and mud. It's the royalty of Canterlot; the world in Equestria, to the world Gilda is in in Avia's military.

[Queen Cassie 3,057]

Well, one possible recommendation I would like to make is to stick to purely third person narrative, unless you absolutely have to tell the story from the first person perspectives of Luna and Gilda. If the latter is the case, then it would be best to keep them to separate chapters, just to make it easier on the reader, as otherwise the sudden changes are jarring and will draw the reader out of the story.

 

I also wonder if you couldn't do with cutting the Scootaloo scooter scene altogether and merely reference it in the letter Princess Luna sees...the letter may work better that way.

 

Apart from that, as I said, a large part of the issues with it have to do with formatting and so on, such as how the first Celestia segment lacks any spaces between lines, making it more difficult to read.

[Comet Tail 808]

Well, one possible recommendation I would like to make is to stick to purely third person narrative, unless you absolutely have to tell the story from the first person perspectives of Luna and Gilda. If the latter is the case, then it would be best to keep them to separate chapters, just to make it easier on the reader, as otherwise the sudden changes are jarring and will draw the reader out of the story.

 

I also wonder if you couldn't do with cutting the Scootaloo scooter scene altogether and merely reference it in the letter Princess Luna sees...the letter may work better that way.

 

Apart from that, as I said, a large part of the issues with it have to do with formatting and so on, such as how the first Celestia segment lacks any spaces between lines, making it more difficult to read.

Hmm. On further thought, the portion with Celestia might work best as a prologue, with Luna's portion as the first chapter, and Gilda's later on in another chapter. Although I'm concerned they all might be too short, I've got enough ideas to add on to them. I can see where the changes would do that, jar the reader out of the story, but even considering that, I'm somewhat undecided still. I find first person to be far more immersive, but your advice and the fact that first person would entail perspective switching often, argue that I should stick with third person.

 

But, really, the central focus is the characters and their interactions, not so much the story; on that philosophy, I think I'll stick to the first person perspective, since different portions of text will focus on different characters, and I think the first person narrative will draw the reader closer to each one than a third person.

 

In the name of keeping the perspectives consistant and in keeping flow, I think I will remove that portion with the scooter, though I'm very hesitant, since by itself I, at least, think it's a nice little read, though that's probably on awful reason to want to keep it. But hey, I guess it won't be disappearing forever, I could just post it separately as a very short story

 

 

Btw; I'm sorry I haven't asked yet, but you should link me some of your own work, I'm curious, now

Edited March 29, 2012 by EASA - Dr. Braun

[Queen Cassie 3,057]

That sounds like a good approach. I wish you luck with it. As for my own works...I actually have very little that's written on and on the internet these days, so in truth I'm not that much better a writer myself...I can reiterate and exposit on what makes a good piece of writing, but I'll be damned if I can actually implement that advice myself...

[Comet Tail 808]

That sounds like a good approach. I wish you luck with it. As for my own works...I actually have very little that's written on and on the internet these days, so in truth I'm not that much better a writer myself...I can reiterate and exposit on what makes a good piece of writing, but I'll be damned if I can actually implement that advice myself...

Lol, I know exactly what you mean. Practice, practice, practice

 

Hey, does anyone know where I can find an editor / proofreader to help me with this? I want to go ahead and publish the story, but I don't want to do it without having someone else check over it first. I'm just figuring out how to get google docs to work since it's more convenient to add comments/etc there, but you can also see it on fimfic with the link in the OP.

 

/// UPDATE

 

Alright, little update, I have chapters 2 and 3 finished, and up for editing by a friendo' mine (Cornut101), I'll have the story updated as soon as he edits them, and you'll get to know Tura a lot better in these new chapters.

 

Right now I'm focusing on her a lot because of this song: [media=]http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wiskH1UE4c[/media]

 

It's inspired a very awesome future scene with her...

 

So, yeah. Get to know her better at my own: Ask Tura Thread

Edited May 30, 2012 by EASA - Matt