I would like your opinion on my story

[Lightning_hooves 25]

It was a average day in equestra with the long warm days and all the ponies in school having fun with their friends and teachers playing games and doing school work

 

Apple bloom ,sweetie bell, and scootaloo are heading to gym class and on there way scootaloo brags about how good she is and how much she likes it "yes apple bloom I can go the fastest in the whole class" said scootaloo " maybe on your scooter" said sweetie bell Scootaloo glares at sweetie bell while the other girls laugh "let's just get to class" moans scootaloo

 

As they arrive the say hi to there teacher mr.hooves "hi mr. Hooves" says the girls in unison "please girls call me lightning like the rest of the class, mr. Hooves is to formal this is gym" says mr.hooves with a smile the girls smile "ok mr. Hooves oh I mean lightning" said apple bloom with a small laugh. "what are we doing today lightning?" scootaloo asks excitedly

 

Mr. Hooves says "were going to run the mile today after we stretch." the girls moan then take there spot in the gym with the rest of the class as the bell rings. Lightning says to the class "class, today were running the mile that meas no flying or magic allowed if u get caught cheating you'll restart the whole test over" in reply the whole class moans about the plans

 

As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me" Diamond tiara knows she can't out run scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

 

Only three laps into the test and Diamond tiara and silver spoon are falling behind and diamond tiara decides it's time she puts all her energy into running and passes scootaloo who isnt paying to much attention and gets passed. as soon as Diamond tiara passes scootaloo she uses her magic to break her pearl neckless and all the pearls fall to the ground in front of scootaloo "watch out" says Diamond tiara in a sneezy tone Scootaloo continues running till she notices she is on pearls and slips and falls.

 

When scootaloo opens her eyes she is leaning on a wall with a painful headache "what happened?" asked scootaloo "You triped and fell" says sweetie bell "Diamond tiara and silver spoon cheated she broke her neckless on purpose I saw her do it" says Apple bloom. "No i didn't" lied diamond tiara. Lighting walks up "girls girls calm down there's no reason to fight... Diamond tiara, silver spoon go the the office" says lightning "and scootaloo are you ok?" "ya I'm fine it's only a bruise at the worst." says scootaloo. "if you think you're ok you can continue your test but if it hurts to much just take a break." scootaloo replies "ok lighting but I'm tough like Rainbow Dash" scootaloo smiles wide Lightning says "hahaha I remember Rainbow Dash she was a great student and of course she set all the school records." scootaloo smiles and asks "Can I restart my test I want to try to beat her record!" Lightning laughs "if you really want to you can and I'll make you a deal if you beat her record I'll give you enough money to buy lunch with doubles." "of course I'll take that deal" squeals scootaloo

 

As scootaloo crosses her last lap finishing her test she checks her time and compares it to Rainbow Dashes. Lightning walks up in time to see scootaloo's face droop into a small frown. "what's wrong scootaloo?" asks Lightning scootaloo replies with a sad tone "I was so close" "so close to what" asks lightning "so close to beating her time... I'm 25 seconds to slow" "well I'll tell you what I'll still give you money for lunch with doubles just for the effort" smiles Lightning scootaloo squeals with excitement "really that's awesome!" "yup now run along here is your money and stay out of trouble oh and if you train more I'll bet that you can easily beat Rainbow Dash's time" says Lightning "Bye Lightning" says scootaloo as she gallops away.

 

Scootaloo catches up to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Bell and says "Girls your the best of friends for standing up for me" Apple Bloom says "Hay anything for our best friend right Sweetie Bell?" "Right Apple Bloom" replies Sweetie Bell the girls run off and go to there club house

 

Later that day scootaloo goes to visit Rainbow Dash to tell her what happened at school. Scootaloo rolls up to Rainbow Dash's house on her scooter and as she walks to the door she thinks how she will bring up that she was close to beating her record or how lightning her gym teacher gave her money to get extra lunch. She got so lost in thought she didn't ce that Rainbow Dash was standing behind her. "hay scootaloo what's up" asked Rainbow Dash scootaloo jumps in the air from being scared by Rainbow Dash she turns around while laughing "hi Rainbow Dash I want to tell you how my day went" said scootaloo. "sure you can tell me while I rub my hooves I'm really tired from practice today" replied Rainbow Dash They entered the house and scootaloo sat on the couch as Rainbow Dash relaxed on her chair then scootaloo told Rainbow Dash about what happened during gym Rainbow listened with a smile on her face when scootaloo was done Rainbow Dash said "good luck beating my time but remember if you beat it I'll go back and beat yours hahaha" "good luck I'll beat your record so much you couldn't even beat it by flying at sonic rainboom speed Hahaha" joked scootaloo.

[Revolver Bobcat 45]

Okay... where do i start?

 

First, if you're looking for fanfic advise or just get you fanfic proof read you should go here, the guys there are very honest and will help you a lot more than i :

 

 

http://mlpforums.com/topic/43854-a-friendly-proof-reader-reviews-writing-tips-sharing-can-be-found-here/page-1

 

As for your fanfic, here's some pointers (and im talking by experience really, im no expert)

 

*Grammar, or was it gramar?, whatever, you should have a well precented fanfic when you show it to others, writing scootaloo and Scootaloo can make the diference, also puntuaction is a must, if not people will think you're lazy and maybe the story its as lazy as your writing.

 

*The dialoge seems confusing, when a diferen caracter talks you must put it in another paragraph, like this:

 

As they arrive the say hi to there teacher mr.hooves "hi mr. Hooves" says the girls in unison

 

"please girls call me lightning like the rest of the class, mr. Hooves is to formal this is gym" says mr.hooves with a smile the girls smile

 

"ok mr. Hooves oh I mean lightning" said apple bloom with a small laugh.

 

"what are we doing today lightning?" scootaloo asks excitedly

 

------------------

 

Believe me, it helps a lot

 

*The old rule of show don't tell, i would expand on this but really you can just watch the thread i put before and you will get the info needed, besides its too long to explain and i don't have the time.

 

*Watch the show again, look closely at the caracters you want to write, specialy look closer at the dialoge.

 

And that's all folks, but you should really take the advise of some expert on this, im an amateur too.

Edited April 17, 2013 by Revolver Bobcat

[Pinkamena Dianne Pie 465]

I do like this story. (And that it is also easier to read on the computer and not your phone's notepad) When you write more, I'll go through with the grammar and punctuation for ya.

[Lightning_hooves 25]

Ok ill send you a copy of my next update on it and i appreciate the offer even though your working on your own story and i hav added more so ill prob post later

[Pinkamena Dianne Pie 465]

Just 'cause you told me to.

"Gingy, you are a critic."

Hehe, that was fun to say. Lightning, you should join me. You think gingy'll get mad?

You added more?! Augh! I really need to stop procrastinating on my story. Otherwise, you'll pass me and I don't want that to happen.

Well, I guess as long as I get my story done before November comes around, I should be good. 'Cause everypony knows you can't write where I'm going.