[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

Appearance: I'm not sure what that look's supposed to express... Does it express stress? A sense of awkwardness? Nervousness? I can't really tell. He's outgoing based on his personality, so I'm wondering why he looks so... tense.

 

Nevertheless, a basic colour mix that blends decently together. However, I would suggest that you pick another colour other than blue for your OC; for some reason, the brown and blue combo doesn't fit really well in my opinion. If you like it though, that's fine because it's not like your OC's terrible looking because of it. 

      Score: 7.5/10 because of the face.

 

Backstory: A first OC who mentions siblings. A nice change from most of the reviews I've read. There was at least one other OC with a sister (New Moon) and he had a very compelling backstory. I suggest you have a read. Nevertheless, you mention that he's got two loving parents. And yet... his parents were unimpressed with his musical efforts? That sounds a bit cruel for loving parents in my opinion. I would imagine them to maybe be strict or caring, but to leave them unimpressed without providing positive feedback? That just seems a bit cold in my opinion. If that's not what you meant, it was implied in your backstory's first paragraph when you read the second sentence. Also, it's "youngest" of three brothers, not "younger". 

 

Still, your OC's backstory sounds nice. A story of frustration which inexplicably leads to him writing beautiful works of poetry (I consider both lyrics and poems to be under poetry). It's often a trademark of cutie marks when spontaneity blends itself into the fabric of the pony's talent. I liked that notion because some people think that their OCs need to work their butts off to get their cutie mark, when in reality, it's how Twilight and Applejack put it: you don't come to it; it comes to you. 

 

Also, why did Verses' brothers leave him? That seems so depressing, and you didn't really give a reason either... Was it out of his accord or was it because his brothers didn't want him along? Maybe you could delve into that in your backstory without giving too much detail away. It's nice how you made things slightly better for Verses when you let him meet Blade, especially after all of his struggles with making good lyrics. 

 

I'm kinda wondering about his struggles as a lyricist... it reminds me of another OC (See the mare in the avvie? yep ). Nevertheless, I like the idea. I just hope he realizes that his lyrics won't come with brute force though. Maybe he can develop in a roleplay in that sense? Just an idea. 

 

Overall, it's not that original, but it does have that sense of development needed for success, and that's a good start already. Just clarify on some of the small details I mentioned and you'll be fine.

      Score: 7.5/10

 

Personality: The nitpick detail he places in his music is well explained in his backstory. However, I suggest a different word. How does meticulous sound? I like how you also say that he loses his inspiration pretty quickly once he gets it. There's still some things that need clarity and development. For instance, how fun is he? What do you mean by fun? How about stressed? How does he get stressed? How does he vent it? You say that he vents it on himself, but in what ways? He's also up for a good laugh, but what type of jokes does he like? Pranks? Puns? Slapstick? Answer some of those questions and you'll have a clearer picture of your character's personality as who he really is.

      Score: 7/10

[FabulousJeremy 48]

I've played roleplaying games before on forums and at tabletop, but I figure having a peer review of my character is a good idea.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/truffletop-r4286

[Acnologia 167]

Could you please do a review for Orion? I could use a review for him and I'm not the best when it comes to making new characters.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/orion-r4266

[Literally Snails 2,307]

@@Sterling Crimson, I'm really not trying to be pushy, but are you going to get to mine? Youve been doing these a lot slower as of late, are you still going to get to them all?

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

Sorry about the slower pace. I've had MCAT begin to wring itself on me. I took a tough practice test today. I'll get them done asap. In fact, I'm currently reading your backstory now. I'll definitely get yours done tomorrow if not by the end of this hour. 

Edited August 25, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Literally Snails 2,307]

 

Sorry about the slower pace. I've had MCAT begin to wring itself on me. I took a tough practice test today. I'll get them done asap. In fact, I'm currently reading your backstory now. I'll definitely get yours done tomorrow if not by the end of this hour. 

I just made some last minute changes to his personality and appearance, In case you might have missed them. Thanks for the reviews :3

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

Appearance: A brown and grey combination seem like a nice combo. Although I'd need a picture of your OC, it still looks fine. A scraggly grey mane sounds interesting, especially since he's experiencing near immortality. It fits the fact that he doesn't consider his appearance very important. What also adds to it is that you place a plain brown coat on his body. I also like how you only changed his eye colour. Still, why just his eye colour? Just wondering. I would still need a picture to see how epic the OC looks, but nevertheless, it sounds like a good OC appearance to me.

       Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: First off, why does he have a fear of death and mortality? What caused him to have such fears? You need to develop on that to start. Was it because of a tragic parental accident? Or was it because a close friend of his died in a cruel way? It's quite sad that he has no active love life and was distant from his parents. Nevertheless, considering how this character is set, it sounds like a direction you wish to pursue. I won't object, but I've always considered Equestria to be slightly brighter than that. 

 

When you get to the tournament of the Everfree Forest, I wondered to myself, "How does he know about the tournament? Did he just stumble upon it one day or did he find out through other sources?" Also, how hard were these battles exactly? I was hoping there was a greater struggle as Mason fought through them. It would provide Mason with a greater impression of determination for the people reading your backstory.

 

For the cutie mark story, could you further develop on that? Maybe show how he started off well as a security huard before he fell away because of his internal lust for immortality. It would create a great tragic hero as you roleplay with him in the future. The fact that his character grows dark after the transformation really does add potential to all that.

 

Finally, provide an example of a very dangerous or morally questionable job that not even other mercenaries would do. Every mercenary would have a different set of morals. You can set a standard for him by showing the different jobs that not even the most immoral of mercenaries would do.  

 

In short, your OC needs a more developed backstory. It's got potential, but there's a lot of things missing that prevents it from being as epic as it should be.

   Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: Yep. The sudden change in character really is a perfect example of a fallen hero of sorts. Like I said before, I can't feel the happiness and colourful character of your OC before the transformation too well unless you develop on it. You should also elaborate a little on his happy character. Was he outgoing? Was he like a jester? How honourable was he? Did he have a sense of chivalry, a code of honour perhaps? After all, he IS a bodyguard. 

 

The extreme change in character is well thought out as you continued onward. You gave little snippets of just some of the things he'd do to make others miserable, a good idea when elaborating on a personality. You also made him more despicable with his slow deaths... a very evil OC indeed, clearly a fallen character. Have you ever considered finding a way to redeem him in any way? It would be a great way to round off what the Greeks would call the tragedy. Maybe he could perform a sacrifice of sorts as well? Just a thought as you roleplay. 

 

Personality section needs more expansion on the life before to emphasize the contrast between the two lives. Other than that, it's pretty good from here once you also consider the question I posed in the 2nd paragraph of this section. 

    Score: 8/10

Edited August 25, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Literally Snails 2,307]

 

Appearance: A brown and grey combination seem like a nice combo. Although I'd need a picture of your OC, it still looks fine. A scraggly grey mane sounds interesting, especially since he's experiencing near immortality. It fits the fact that he doesn't consider his appearance very important. What also adds to it is that you place a plain brown coat on his body. I also like how you only changed his eye colour. Still, why just his eye colour? Just wondering. I would still need a picture to see how epic the OC looks, but nevertheless, it sounds like a good OC appearance to me.

       Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: First off, why does he have a fear of death and mortality? What caused him to have such fears? You need to develop on that to start. Was it because of a tragic parental accident? Or was it because a close friend of his died in a cruel way? It's quite sad that he has no active love life and was distant from his parents. Nevertheless, considering how this character is set, it sounds like a direction you wish to pursue. I won't object, but I've always considered Equestria to be slightly brighter than that. 

 

When you get to the tournament of the Everfree Forest, I wondered to myself, "How does he know about the tournament? Did he just stumble upon it one day or did he find out through other sources?" Also, how hard were these battles exactly? I was hoping there was a greater struggle as Mason fought through them. It would provide Mason with a greater impression of determination for the people reading your backstory.

 

For the cutie mark story, could you further develop on that? Maybe show how he started off well as a security huard before he fell away because of his internal lust for immortality. It would create a great tragic hero as you roleplay with him in the future. The fact that his character grows dark after the transformation really does add potential to all that.

 

Finally, provide an example of a very dangerous or morally questionable job that not even other mercenaries would do. Every mercenary would have a different set of morals. You can set a standard for him by showing the different jobs that not even the most immoral of mercenaries would do.  

 

In short, your OC needs a more developed backstory. It's got potential, but there's a lot of things missing that prevents it from being as epic as it should be.

   Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: Yep. The sudden change in character really is a perfect example of a fallen hero of sorts. Like I said before, I can't feel the happiness and colourful character of your OC before the transformation too well unless you develop on it. You should also elaborate a little on his happy character. Was he outgoing? Was he like a jester? How honourable was he? Did he have a sense of chivalry, a code of honour perhaps? After all, he IS a bodyguard. 

 

The extreme change in character is well thought out as you continued onward. You gave little snippets of just some of the things he'd do to make others miserable, a good idea when elaborating on a personality. You also made him more despicable with his slow deaths... a very evil OC indeed, clearly a fallen character. Have you ever considered finding a way to redeem him in any way? It would be a great way to round off what the Greeks would call the tragedy. Maybe he could perform a sacrifice of sorts as well? Just a thought as you roleplay. 

 

Personality section needs more expansion on the life before to emphasize the contrast between the two lives. Other than that, it's pretty good from here once you also consider the question I posed in the 2nd paragraph of this section. 

    Score: 8/10

Hmmm. As for the parts about redeeming qualities in his second character, the point is for him to have none. The only "Redeeming Quality" he has is that he wasn't always that way. I'm going to update him and try to get more feedback through PMs. A 6.5 on his backstory is unacceptable. Especially since you never go lower than a six, meaning that its basically a 1.5/5, not a 6.5/10.

[Inactive01 5,299]

Hmmm. As for the parts about redeeming qualities in his second character, the point is for him to have none. The only "Redeeming Quality" he has is that he wasn't always that way. I'm going to update him and try to get more feedback through PMs. A 6.5 on his backstory is unacceptable. Especially since you never go lower than a six, meaning that its basically a 1.5/5, not a 6.5/10.

Well the only reason I go lower than a 6 is if the backstory practically didn't exist and there was basically no point in it. like a 10 year old writing some jibbery nonsense. That would be a 1. I think I had someone go below a 6 before here. Yours still had a point in it, so I went above a 6 in that regard. I just liked backstories with a sense of redemption. HOWEVER, like I said, you didn't go deep enough on the first half of his story. You didn't really hit enough the contrast between the light and darkness. If you emphasized that contrast, it'll really hit harder at how much he's fallen.

Edited August 25, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Starshine 16,333]

It's kinda confusing to read through this thread when the reviews don't include the OCs' name in it @_@
 
Anyhow, I guess I can use a feedback on my current four primary OCs (Winterglade, Summerfall, Yoyo, and last but not least, Starshine). There are two pages for Yoyo, EQW and normal, but both are essentially the same, only from different PoV.

I've been using them on various roleplay threads in this forum, and sometimes in another forum but with a different name, but so far I feel that there is something lacking. I don't know. Maybe you can point out on where did I do wrong on designing them?

 

Pay no mind to their current art, I'm a sucker when it comes to hunting free request threads x_x

[Inactive01 5,299]

@FabulousJeremy

(I had such a good review that got wiped out because my browser randomly quit.  :okiedokielokie: )

Truffletop

 

Appearance: She's a very cute looking OC. Normally, I'd think that blue and green wouldn't mix well together, but you made her look nice with that blend. Plus, her cutie mark of a set of four arrows on a compass is nicely drawn.  Finally, those goggles and brown coat! A great trademark of who she is as an OC. It'll be great for distinguishing between you and other OCs!

     Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: She's born into a family of bakers but finds that she doesn't want to be involved with that business. A completely fine story for somepony as adventurous as her. However, you must elaborate on many things before your OC becomes YOUR OC. First, she was feeling lonely because the rest of her family likes to bake. Were they ever oppressive towards her, or did she simply keep her love of adventuring a secret until she left? Also, was she lonely in terms of social status? Did she have many friends? Considering how adventurous she is, I'm sure she has friends. Maybe they advised her to leave her parents' life because her cutie mark didn't reflect a life of baking goods? Just a thought.

 

And speaking of cutie marks, you never mention her cutie mark story. How did she get her cutie mark? Was it through a spontaneous adventure set up by her friends? Or was it something she did on her own? Also, the compass cutie mark. Does it represent her canny sense of direction? Or does it point to unfamiliarity and her willingness to take risks? Answering that is very important to deciding which direction you want your OC to take in terms of getting her cutie mark. 

Finally, her goggles. Can you make that a bigger special feature of who she is? Maybe she got it in an adventure or from somepony she admired? Surely those goggles are analogous to Indiana Jones and his fedora hat and his whip right? 

 

Your backstory has a long way to go, but I can see you trying to process the basics of her story.

    Score: 4/10

 

Personality: She loves thrills and challenges. The first question that comes to mind are the sorts of challenges she likes. Does she love to hunt for relics like Daring Do? How about exploring new lands? Maybe she's an aviator? Either way, there's a lot of room for expansion to her personality in this regard because there's so many types of adventures. Also, does she have a fear? Indiana Jones too had a fear: snakes

 

Just an addition to all I said about her personality, once you come up with those traits, you should weave it into your OC's backstory by explaining why she feels the way she does towards her fears and her objects that make her... her. 

    Score: 4/10 because it's only 2 sentences. Expand on what I said above and that'll certainly help your OC be more unique.

 

All in all, a very cute pony whose backstory and personality needs much developing.

Orion

 

Appearance: Wow... that's all I have to say. He looks amazing... I'm sorry if it sounds like a stupid question, but is it a dragon? If you drew that, then wow. He definitely doesn't look very friendly at all. Very intimidating, especially for ponies. The landscape around him also provides insight to a character who is potentially very hostile. Maybe you could draw my OCs sometime

      Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: Having one's parents killed is a very common story-line to take. It can be done, but your story needs to be very original. I don't see much of that in your backstory unfortunately. I suggest you delve deeper into that story. What was his parents a part of that caused such conflict between them and the ponies? You made a good basis for his hatred towards other ponies, but I kinda wished for that to be deeper. Were the particular ponies part of a certain clan? Were they just gold seekers or did they themselves have a vendetta of their own against your OC's parents?

 

Your backstory did mention about the treasure their parents had. For your OC, it may or may not matter how they got their gold. I have an idea about that, but I'm not sure whether you want your OC's parents to be vilified. I propose that your OC's parents actually did some fighting of their own against the ponies who came for the gold. They fought hard and killed them to get some more gold. Maybe they were clearly lacking gold in the dragon economy as a result of a depression...? It sounds ridiculous, but it's what I have. Or maybe you can engage the reader's sympathy towards your OC's parents by telling of a tale that shows how the ponies started the conflict while the dragons retaliated. Then the ponies fought back again. Maybe it wouldn't be that epic, but just find something that can draw sympathy.

 

What I'm doing here is trying to find ways to make your story about your OC's parents more original so that it won't be the typical, "oh, OC lost his parents and he's now an orphan story". A lot of roleplayers and others don't really like cliche OC, and this is one of them. I don't mind cliche OC stories so long as they provide originality and are executed well. 

        Score: 4/10

 

Personality: Short but sweet, like most OC personality pages (including mine hopefully? Well I haven't really gotten into their personalities yet, but I'll do that when I have time ). So he's very outgoing towards other dragons, which is nice. His hostility towards ponies in general is well explained too and provides a lot of room for character development. He's a macho fighter, but not very stealthy, which is very realistic considering his traits. He's also a flirt? Hahaha. A ladies' man eh? I haven't seen too many of those lately in my reviews. That should be fun... Also, you ever considered giving him a fear? Maybe something that really pierces him as a character? Or just something very whimsical?

 

There's a few typos on your page by the way. I'll fix it here:

However, he can quickly become friends with almost any dragon. He is strength is almost unmatched and his cunning is useful for getting him out of most situations, thought his size doesn't make him the most stealthy or graceful. He can be a bit of a flirt at times, as well.

 

That should be the following:

However, he can quickly become friends with almost any dragon. His strength is almost unmatched and his cunning is useful for getting him out of most situations. (Run on here, so I placed period) However, his size doesn't make him the most stealthy or graceful. He can be a bit of a flirt at times as well (don't need comma there).

 

Like I said, it's short and sweet, but think of something that would really make him stand out (another weakness probably). 

      Score: 8/10

Edited August 25, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[FabulousJeremy 48]

@FabulousJeremy

(I had such a good review that got wiped out because my browser randomly quit.  :okiedokielokie: )

Truffletop

 

Appearance: She's a very cute looking OC. Normally, I'd think that blue and green wouldn't mix well together, but you made her look nice with that blend. Plus, her cutie mark of a set of four arrows on a compass is nicely drawn.  Finally, those goggles and brown coat! A great trademark of who she is as an OC. It'll be great for distinguishing between you and other OCs!

     Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: She's born into a family of bakers but finds that she doesn't want to be involved with that business. A completely fine story for somepony as adventurous as her. However, you must elaborate on many things before your OC becomes YOUR OC. First, she was feeling lonely because the rest of her family likes to bake. Were they ever oppressive towards her, or did she simply keep her love of adventuring a secret until she left? Also, was she lonely in terms of social status? Did she have many friends? Considering how adventurous she is, I'm sure she has friends. Maybe they advised her to leave her parents' life because her cutie mark didn't reflect a life of baking goods? Just a thought.

 

And speaking of cutie marks, you never mention her cutie mark story. How did she get her cutie mark? Was it through a spontaneous adventure set up by her friends? Or was it something she did on her own? Also, the compass cutie mark. Does it represent her canny sense of direction? Or does it point to unfamiliarity and her willingness to take risks? Answering that is very important to deciding which direction you want your OC to take in terms of getting her cutie mark. 

 

Finally, her goggles. Can you make that a bigger special feature of who she is? Maybe she got it in an adventure or from somepony she admired? Surely those goggles are analogous to Indiana Jones and his fedora hat and his whip right? 

 

Your backstory has a long way to go, but I can see you trying to process the basics of her story.

    Score: 4/10

 

Personality: She loves thrills and challenges. The first question that comes to mind are the sorts of challenges she likes. Does she love to hunt for relics like Daring Do? How about exploring new lands? Maybe she's an aviator? Either way, there's a lot of room for expansion to her personality in this regard because there's so many types of adventures. Also, does she have a fear? Indiana Jones too had a fear: snakes

 

Just an addition to all I said about her personality, once you come up with those traits, you should weave it into your OC's backstory by explaining why she feels the way she does towards her fears and her objects that make her... her. 

    Score: 4/10 because it's only 2 sentences. Expand on what I said above and that'll certainly help your OC be more unique.

 

All in all, a very cute pony whose backstory and personality needs much developing.

I see.  Yeah, I figured I'd need more development somewhere.  But you've given me a lot of good specific feedback to work with.  Truffletop did start off as a design, so I find it natural that the design of her appearance would stick out.  Still, I'll take your advice and work on fleshing her a bit.  Hoping to make her one of the coolest OCs out there

 

 

Edit: If you're up for it, I've given her personality and backstory some very serious revision.  I'd like to hear your opinion on what I have now!  http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/truffletop-r4286

Edited August 25, 2013 by FabulousJeremy

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Starshine

Winterglade

 

Appearance: First off, I like the fact you gave her a cape. An accessory that makes her stand out as a character. Her wintry nature is also present because of the mix of her blue mane and snow white body. A cute bowtie at the posterior end of her tail also makes her stand out more. It's those little details that distinguishes your OC from others. Her purple eyes also blend well with her other colours, so you have a good OC to start in terms of appearance.

    

      Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: First off, I think there's a contradiction in your backstory... It's kind of confusing. 

 

Winter was the second filly of a poor pegasus family that lives on the outskirts of Manehattan. She lived most of her childhood on a cloud house that her father built when her older sister was born. She was the third and the last child in the family, after her brother and her older sister.

 

Basically, you said in the first sentence that she's the second filly of her family, but on the last sentence, you say that she's the last. Unless I'm mistaken, I'm not sure where Winter places in her family in terms of age. You'd better fix that unless I'm missing something. 

 

Also, I feel that something's missing in your backstory. Ok, so she gets her cutie mark by creating snow. That's fine. Still, what happened between her and her father that drove her to leave the cloud factory? It's her talent to create snow. There must be some very significant reason for her to have done this. Adventure? Variety? Maybe something even deeper? Also, after she buys her house in Cloudsdale, her life seems... empty. She's just doing small jobs to feed herself? What's she feeling now? Regret that she left the cloud factory? A hope for an opportunity for her to express her talent in snow making? Also, what type of small jobs is she doing? Just small errands? If that's the case, then I can definitely imagine a sense of regret or struggle for her independent life. It could also create a spectrum of parental conflicts because she doesn't want to admit her parents are wrong (perhaps?). 

 

It's a pretty ordinary backstory by all means, but if you want it that way, that's fine. If however you wanted something more special, then elaborate on some of the details by considering the questions I posed above. By the way, I thought of something. You ever considered sibling rivalries or encounters with strange creatures that inspired her to leave the snow factory? What if Winterglade wanted to see if there was a better use for her talent of creating snow? Consider that too. And I completely forgot! WHERE DID HER CAPE COME FROM? Sorry for the caps lock. I wanted to do that for fun and it bothered me for a while too . It's something she never leaves alone, but you never explained why that's the case. Place that in your backstory too!

 

     Score: 6.5/10

 

Personality: You explained her nonchalant and accepting nature. You also introduced the fact that she can be outgoing and spontaneous as well. Now look at this sentence:

 

If there is nothing interesting going on at the moment, she will try to look for something to make herself busy. While she loves to explore her options, she is afraid of upsetting anyone around her.

 

Is this supposed to elaborate on how she can be spontaneous at times or is it a completely different idea? If it's the same idea, then I can't really see the connection really well other than the fact that she may spontaneously search for something to keep her busy. If not, then you can consider adding something that would show how spontaneous she can be. Like how you mentioned her responses to ponies asking questions that she doesn't want to answer:

 

When someone asked her about something that she doesn't want to talk about, she will often try to divert the topic by speaking loudly over something extremely trivial.

 

That would be a good elaboration to the sentence about her spontaneity. Maybe you could also add the fact that she can be extremely protective of her cape because it's so dear to her. That way, if it even his a tiny scratch or a piece of dirt, she would instantly wash it so that it remains clean! Or maybe it would be one of those pieces of clothing that she never washes? Either way, it'll add to her spontaneous nature. Ponies would be wondering, "why on Earth is she acting that way towards her cape?" Maybe that would be an example of an uncomfortable question! Maybe she doesn't want to talk about the cape because it represents something so dear to her!

 

I believe some digging into detail is needed for your personality. They're nice snippets of who she is, but it's not... unique enough. Your OC isn't really your OC yet at this point. I think answering some of the questions I showed above would help on that.

 

Score: 6.7/10 

[Starshine 16,333]

 

 

Basically, you said in the first sentence that she's the second filly of her family, but on the last sentence, you say that she's the last. Unless I'm mistaken, I'm not sure where Winter places in her family in terms of age. You'd better fix that unless I'm missing something.

 

She's the second filly, and the third child. I thought those were enough to imply that she had an older brother

 

 

 

Still, what happened between her and her father that drove her to leave the cloud factory?...  It could also create a spectrum of parental conflicts because she doesn't want to admit her parents are wrong (perhaps?).

 

You ever considered sibling rivalries or encounters with strange creatures that inspired her to leave the snow factory? What if Winterglade wanted to see if there was a better use for her talent of creating snow? Consider that too. And I completely forgot! WHERE DID HER CAPE COME FROM?

 

Actually, those details I intentionally left out because she's a major character in a fic I'm writing, and I don't really feel like putting in everything... yet. The mare herself would be very reluctant to talk about them, hence the "flying away when pushed too far" part of her personality. These parts are already revealed in an ongoing roleplay that she's in, though. Actually you're pretty damn on the spot on the bolded part... Are you a wizard? o_o

 

Yeah, I can agree that currently there are a lot of unnecessary holes in her profile page. I will start working on patching up these holes as best as I could without revealing too much. Thanks for the excellent review

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Starshine

 

I see now... so you left some details out on purpose. That's completely fine. It just felt really chopped in your backstory when you described the fact she went through small jobs to keep her alive.

@Starshine

Summerfall

 

Appearance: Your OC reminds me of one of the Apple Family members. I'm not sure who, but she definitely looks like one of them. I see more of a down to Earth pony (ie farmer) with her appearance. If you like the pony the way it is, that's fine, but appearances deceived me when I first saw your OC and then read their personality and backstory. It's still a cute, nice looking pony though. The plainer colours express that shying away from the glamour and flamboyancy a mare can express physically. 

     Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: I like this backstory much more than Winterglade's in all honesty. It's a lot clearer and it gives much light to Summerfall as a mare. There's her background to her memory skills, her cutie mark story (which I found very cute by the way), and her love towards her family. Still, there's something missing here... has she ever used her memory before? I really do feel that if she actually used her canny sense of memory to help somepony in some capacity, that would become a better cutie mark story. I would normally encourage the addition of friendship stories or traumatic experiences that would further shape the character, but at the same time, I don't think your OC's story needs that. Still, it would be interesting to see how other ponies can abuse her by trying to take a hold of her exceptional memory skills for their personal gain.

     Score: 8.5/10

 

Personality:  Your OC's personality is much more detailed here. I just read the backstory. Now I see some facets of her character I did not know before! The backstory I mentioned at the last sentence could do wonders for your OC! The fact that she is so protective of her personal feelings and beliefs. It screams trauma at some point. She may not be keen on sharing her feelings naturally, but there could also be an experience that drove her to this. Maybe a bad confrontation with a stallion perhaps? 

 

The fact she likes the comfort zone is also consistent with her character. I can imagine a sense of comfort in the things she knows from memory and a discomfort when she has to move out of the box. That can include relationships and adventures of all kinds! It's perfect for your OC! She is not a patron of kindness... Ahahaha... Very consistent with her nature as well. I can imagine this, especially considering she is part of a family of traders (I mean no offense to traders!). 

 

Overall, your OC's personality is very understandable and can be imagined in all sorts of new situations. However, I suggest you bring your backstory to an English major. There's run-on sentences and typos on your OC stories, a commonality I see in your profile pages.

     Score: 9/10

[Harmonic Revelations 8,835]

Here is a link to my OC Harmonic Revelations' entry in the character database.

 

I eagerly await your review, as I'm always looking to improve my OC.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Jacob Danik

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Starshine

Yoyo

 

Appearance: Another very cute OC. But somehow, she has the same styles as your two other OCs, particularly Summerfall. It's like the only difference between them are the colour palettes you used. Not saying that's a bad thing because you see that all the time in the actual show, but still, maybe some differentiation of physical appearance is needed? I understand that you're still looking for an artist. I suggest Zhooves if he isn't too busy. He made my avatar. Could you also play around with her height? Summerfall and Starshine are both of moderate height. Maybe you can make one taller than the other? Just a thought.

     Score: 8/10 because she's still cute despite lack of originality.

 

Backstory: This is a welcome change from all the other backstories. I love how you tried to speak through your OC. I like how bright and hyper she sounds about her family. It expresses her deep love towards them. The bonus of mentioning how cute her youngest colt is when he was younger really does give her that extra sense of life. The story of her life weaves pretty well from an ideal to the tragice and back to recovery. 

 

I was wondering though... is the mystery surrounding her father meant to be a secret? Because it would be so epic if it turned out that her father was well again after all the doom and gloom the other ponies expressed whenever they asked about her father. Also, how is it that she doesn't know what happened to her father? Unless it was really something of a huge magnitude that caused the destruction of all she knew, I can't really see why she wouldn't know so much about what happened to her father. Finally, why did the siblings have to separate? That's so sad ;__;. With that in mind, the tragedy must have been terrible! 

 

Finally, she doesn't mention how she got her cutie mark. I assumed she got it when she worked at the toy factory with her father, but I wasn't sure because it was also possible that she got it while working for her aunt.  

 

All in all, a welcome diversion, but some little things still need sorting out.

     Score: 8.5/10

 

Personality: Just like the backstory. A welcome change with the first pony point of view (see what I did there? ) However, most of the issues are just logistics and how you present her character. I suggest you mention her love for clocks and gizmos first instead of letting her speak about her fear towards strangers. Like this:

 

"Now you may be wondering what I'm actually good at and what my cutie mark actually stands for! Well you see..." Then you can add what you wrote on the 2nd last paragraph about her love of tinkering with gadgets and such. 

 

Then you can add the honesty part. And finally, you can add her fear towards strangers as a contrast from her likes. After that, you can then go on like this,

 

"Even with my fear of strangers, once I make friends, I become very friendly... and yadda, yadda, yadda". Her doziness can be kept at the end. Let's just hope she doesn't doze off at work... she probably won't, but between you and me, we'll never know can we? 

 

The main reason I love it when people let their OCs speak is that I can see their character flow out from their souls. It doesn't mean everyone should spam 1st pony if they don't feel comfortable with it. Take your OC. By speaking in 1st person, you don't have to say, "she's hyper and very kind, etc.". I can already feel it when I imagine your OC speaking directly to me! That's why I love having conversations with my OCs when I feel like it.

 

"Hey... who's that?  Yoyo?"

"Yes Sterling... that's Yoyo. An OC I'm reviewing."

"She sounds like a cute pony... You ever considered making a new OC just to ship it with one of Starshine's OCs?"

"Uhhh... what Sterling? Well it HAS crossed my mind, but it's not like Starshine will welcome that any time soon; after all, her OCs are unsure about relationships and the like..."

"Oh c'mon Paul! You said that when you placed me in my first adventure, "A Tropical Odyssey!" Remember what you said there?"   

"Yes Sterling... yes I remember... But this is different!  Now stop getting me off topic and let me finish my review!  "

"Oh sorry Paul...   *tiptoes away*"

 

Ok sorry about that. But you see what I mean? If you execute it well, you can easily show off a character's personality just by letting them speak about themselves!

Score: 9/10

Edited August 26, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Starshine 16,333]

Bwahahahah.... Poor Sterling XD
Maybe he just want another friend? You shouldn't be that angry to him.
 

The plainer colours express that shying away from the glamour and flamboyancy a mare can express physically.

 
We are happy to hear that :­)
 
Yeah, Yoyo's mane style and body is the exact same with Summer's. It's one something that I've been wanting to fix, I'll have to search for an artist real soon. I hope Zhooves wouldn't mind :s
 

The fact that she is so protective of her personal feelings and beliefs. It screams trauma at some point. She may not be keen on sharing her feelings naturally, but there could also be an experience that drove her to this. Maybe a bad confrontation with a stallion perhaps?

 
Actually, it's one of the side effects of being able to remember as if everything happens just yesterday. They say time will heal all wounds, but that doesn't really apply to Summerfall. She can remember all bad remarks, annoyances, failures, everything is clear as crystals. Hard to act friendly when you can remember all those disappointments somepony gave you in the past.
 
There is indeed one major event in her life that made her bitter, but that one's for another day
 

This is a welcome change from all the other backstories. I love how you tried to speak through your OC. I like how bright and hyper she sounds about her family. It expresses her deep love towards them. The bonus of mentioning how cute her youngest colt is when he was younger really does give her that extra sense of life. The story of her life weaves pretty well from an ideal to the tragice and back to recovery.

 
That's great! I've been wondering if writing the page in 1st view is a bad idea, it's nice to hear that it's working as intended XD
 

I suggest you mention her love for clocks and gizmos first instead of letting her speak about her fear towards strangers...Then you can add what you wrote on the 2nd last paragraph about her love of tinkering with gadgets and such.
 
Then you can add the honesty part. And finally, you can add her fear towards strangers as a contrast from her likes.

 
Hm, that's actually a very good idea. For the profile page I just let her talk her mind out at the time, an edit or two would be in order

 

Anyway, you have my utmost gratitude for these excellent reviews. You managed to point out many things I couldn't see by my own, now I can work to make myself better. Right now I'm working on Winterglade's page, I'll start on the rest of the group real soon. Once again, thanks!

 

Note to self: find an English major

Edited August 27, 2013 by Starshine

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Starshine

 

Well I'm very glad you find my reviews helpful! Always willing to lend a hand! Now to get your last OC done... I'm not sure whether I can get it done tonight, but I'll try my best!

[Senor Citizen 516]

Another?

Sexcellent.

If you could mark the two OCs in my signature sometime soon, that would be great. Keep me updated if you do.

[Starshine 16,333]

 

 

Now to get your last OC done... I'm not sure whether I can get it done tonight, but I'll try my best!

 

You shouldn't rush it if you're occupied elsewhere. It's not like Starshiny the unicorn would disappear under the radar if you look away for a moment

[Inactive01 5,299]

@Starshine

Starshine

 

Appearance: He certainly looks like the street urchin type. His rugged mane and mix of colours certainly provides for this trait. His look is also classic. A sign of slight hostility and obstinacy. It definitely fits his character well and he does have a certain level of handsomeness in him. You ever considered giving him some sort of wand or staff that he holds dear because he's a stallion of witchcraft? Or maybe a gem that he thinks is magical but isn't sure of yet?

    Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: WHAT?! What a cruel fate! D:<  Ok just kidding. But seriously, orphanage stories have been done before. Not saying yours is bad however. It's very tragic to say the least, and when I got to it, it shocked me. Everything was so uneventful and peaceful, and all of a sudden, that... just happened. It would definitely leave readers looking like this:  . And this: . And this:  . Ok that's enough, but you know what I mean. Your backstory's got a flurry of emotions in one and at the same time provides room for development in different ways. Like what happens to her sister! And how Starshine will fulfill his father's legacy! Much detailed work was placed into this, and I really appreciate it. Still, I was wondering whether he had a merchant friend or something of the kind whenever he helped others with his magic. Maybe he could provide some help to finding his father's legacy? Just a thought as you roleplay in the future.

 

A great backstory in general. I don't have much to say.

Score: 9.5/10

 

Personality: Many things in his personality tie in really well with the backstory you placed. Out of all the OCs, I can tell you put the most work in this one. You've given specific traits and provided examples of how they worked in his life. I can imagine him in all sorts of roleplays based on how you described him. I like how you tie in his weaknesses with his personality as well. Like how ponies can get annoyed whenever he tries to fulfill his curiosity at the expense of others' secrets and how he uses dirty tricks at times to get what he wants. It prevents him from being a Mary Sue while preventing him from being a terrible OC in general.

Still, does he get arrogant, considering how good his magic is? Would he have to be given the humility stick by others or does he already appreciate humility because of his family tragedies? Has Starshine ever longed to find his sister again someday? Has he ever gone about on such a venture before? Maybe you could play with that in a roleplay sometime. That would be very interesting.

 

Like backstory, not much to say. Just some little things. Your personality section's also amazing.

 

EDIT: Oh you added his perk about a small saddlebag in the other section! Care to explain why he has them? Make it more special perhaps?

     Score: 9/10

Edited August 27, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Starshine 16,333]

 

 

Everything was so uneventful and peaceful, and all of a sudden, that... just happened. It would definitely leave readers looking like this: . And this: . And this: . Ok that's enough, but you know what I mean.

...I hope that's a good thing

 

Some people said that his story is unnecessarily sad, even when I already made sure that the pony himself wouldn't dwell too much in it. I just want to build him a solid reason of not wanting to travel around Equestria instead of staying in one place :s

 

Hm, merchant friend? What I have in mind is this gypsy unicorn mare who knew his father when they both were still young unicorns. The encounter wouldn't be until Starshiny reached into his twenties, though. I'm saving it for any roleplays that would take years in game time. On the wand or gem... nope

 

 

 

Still, does he get arrogant, considering how good his magic is? Would he have to be given the humility stick by others or does he already appreciate humility because of his family tragedies? Has Starshine ever longed to find his sister again someday? Has he ever gone about on such a venture before? Maybe you could play with that in a roleplay sometime. That would be very interesting.

 

Hard for him to be arrogant when his father can do so much miraculous feats and he knew exactly nothing about those spells.

For his sister, that would be for roleplays that would take place in Los Pegasus, but I doubt others would appreciate me using the roleplay thread for the inevitably chaotic reunion :c

 

About his saddlebag, it's just there for storing his supplies. Can't go anywhere without carrying dried foods and a dynamite stick or two.

[GreyScholar 1,584]

For his sister, that would be for roleplays that would take place in Los Pegasus, but I doubt others would appreciate me using the roleplay thread for the inevitably chaotic reunion :c

Actually I'd be willing to be a part of such a roleplay, a couple of characters that would be willing to help a pony seach for his sister. Perhaps an adventure to be made out of it, more than just looking for the sister.

Edited August 27, 2013 by EquestrianScholar

[Inactive01 5,299]

 

 

For his sister, that would be for roleplays that would take place in Los Pegasus, but I doubt others would appreciate me using the roleplay thread for the inevitably chaotic reunion :c

 

Wait a minute... I know Chemm and Erlen would love to be a part of that venture! They're from Manehattan, but I can get them to travel to Los Pegasus so that Erlen can propose to Chemm... But then, somehow, we find out about the OC's sis! I'd love that!