[Open] Feedback for your OC for Roleplaying!

[GreyScholar 1,584]

Do you have any suggestions for quirks that would improve my characters? Additional flaws for Mythos Gray to round him out?

Edited August 18, 2013 by EquestrianScholar

[Nomadic 210]

@@Sterling Crimson

Ok, so I decided to get creative and use your suggestions, and would like your opinion on what I have revised. Additional Note: This is just going to replace the last two paragraphs.

 

 

 

That little bit longer soon turned into months and eventually years. Monkshood travelled to the apothecary everyday. Often, studying obscure texts, and plant-life he had never dreamed of. As hard as this was, he always appeared fascinated by the wonders from which the natural world, and the skilled hoof could create together. Though, as his life stabilized he found that he grew more and more curious of the knowledge that his parents sought within his childhood years. There was so much still shrouded in mystery for him. He needed clarity, he needed to do the unthinkable and leave his adored home for the clarity he craved.

 

His choice had been made. He and his parents must renew their journey which they had halted so long ago. Surprisingly, his parents no longer wished for the life of nomads. They sat him down and firmly stated. "We are sorry, but we cannot come. Living in this community has given us a greater sense of purpose and serenity, yet you are no longer a sapling yourself. We believe you can find your own path within the world son, but before you go take are journals to remember us and help you on your travels". Tearfully he thanked his parents and soon departed.

 

Since that day, Monkshood has gained the noteworthy reputation of being an uncanny pony, who can cure any malady for the right price. Furthermore, while he may appear settled within a residence his curiosity will always intervene, and will soon depart. Only leaving fleeting memories among the locals of who was once there.

 

 

Edited August 18, 2013 by Nomadic

[Inactive01 5,298]

@EquestrianScholar

 

Because Mythos is a storyteller, I was wondering if he would have the tendency to live out his life as if it were a fantasy story. Maybe sometimes he would like to play out his stories in front of ponies without intending to do so? Maybe he becomes entrenched in his imagination...

 

@Nomadic

Wow... that's great! You even added the fact that there was a slight parental conflict before he continued his nomadic life. Now you've added that mystery. Will he ever fulfill his curiosity, or will he continue to move around all his life?

Appearance: I saw your OC as I reviewed your dragon OC. I just wish the colours you chose were better. Maybe it's just Ponycreator, but I always found that stark contrasts in colours like the ones you chose just don't appeal to the eyes. The red borders on his wings also clash with the cyan body and wings. He seems like a very chivalrous pony, so probably try looking for colours that reflect this. Maybe gold? Or crimson? Either way, I suggest you look for an artist. They can suggest better colours than I can. 

 

Nonetheless, his wing tip design is original and it serves to provide an oriental feel to him. He even looks more dragon-like and ferocious despite his smaller size. The fangs epitomize his ability to be very defensive against attack by providing a sense of fear. I like that. In conclusion, your structural features are great, but it's the colours that need work. The colours don't reflect the fact that he's a raging storm well enough.

        Score: 7/10

 

Backstory: First off, you mention his school life, but it's up in the air as to what he goes through in school. If it's not very important, then that's ok. I'm just saying that there's a venue for exploration if you wish to expand your backstory. You also mention that he likes to gaze at the stars at night and even met Princess Luna. And that set as the precedent for his entrance into the Royal Guard. That is a good connection. 

 

What you have written here is good, but there's something missing. You have a whole family for Tempest... You should really add all that to his backstory. How did he meet his wife? What happened there as his relationship grew with her? That's a huge part to add for any backstory. What about interactions with the Royal Guard? Did anything happen there? Did he face adversity? There's a lot of room for explanation there. HOWEVER, if you aim to use that mystery for a roleplay, then that's fine as well. 

        Score: 7.5/10

 

Personality: A very romantically challenged pony... And yet he's married to Ivy? Did you write this before Ivy got married to Tempest? If so, that would explain things. It's a very commonly played weakness. However, because Tempest had to go through so much hard work to become a Royal Guard, I would assume he didn't have much time for relationships, which is fine. Just make that when you roleplay, if you do want to develop a romance between Tempest and another pony you better do it well and creatively, because that card's already been played numerous times. Also, is Tempest like a raging storm all the time, or just when he is protecting his friends? Just clarify that, because if I had read that statement alone, I would have guessed that he was a very aggressive and temperamental pony. That's not bad for a weakness however. You can add that to his character if you do wish. Then in your roleplays, you can work to help Tempest learn anger management. 

        Score: 7.5/10

 

Overall, this OC has some more thought than the other OC you asked me to review. However, both characters still need that push for them to really become YOUR OC. 

[Nomadic 210]

@@Sterling Crimson

Sorry, this may sound a little silly, but I'm not sure how to even answer that question. Could I bug you just give me couple of ideas just on what how to possibly mash into the text I already have. Sorry, again about this, but your really the first person that I've had to bounce ideas off of for my OC.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Nomadic

[Inactive01 5,298]

@Nomadic

 

Oh sorry about the questions! They were rhetorical questions. I'm just showing that you added a dimension of mystery to your OC. There's two types of questions: questions that ask for clarity of detail, and questions that leave a mystery. The questions I just posed above are mystery questions. They don't have to be answered in a backstory. You can answer that question in a whole variety of ways, most likely in your fanfics or your roleplays. 

[Nomadic 210]

@@Sterling Crimson

 

Okay, I thought you were using rhetoric, but wasn't sure on it. Thank you again for all your help.

[GingerJoy 43]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/rock-thatcher-r4041

 

This seems like a good bit of fun!  A second opinion is always nice to have for an OC. Fire away with your review!

Edited August 18, 2013 by GingerJoy

[Inactive01 5,298]

@Mr. Critical

 

Appearance: Like some of the other OCs, I can't fairly evaluate appearance if I don't have a picture of your character. Like I mentioned before, I suggest you look for an artist who can draw OCs with flair and creativity. I see that you have two forms... How do the two dimensions connect? You didn't really make that connection, but more on that later. 

 

I noticed that for both forms, you didn't really delve deeper into the characters' faces. The face is the most important aspect for ANY character. You only mention that he's got blue eyes and glasses in both forms. What are his glasses like? My friend wears a glass of a certain shape, and another friend of mine has sunglasses! You've got to make the distinction! Also, what's his skin colour, and what hair style is it? There's all sorts of long hair styles! Finally, does he have any other features that make him stand out? A scar maybe? Or how about some freckles? It's your call, and you're not using that opportunity! You've got so much to explore! Keep working at it!

          Score: 4/10

 

Backstory: This is not the first time I've read of extremely old characters who don't age. There's a whole range of possibilities to go through with that. How does he get his old age in the first place? That's the first question that comes to mind. Take for example The Green Mile. One of the officers gets the "punishment" of long life after holding on to the hand of John Coffey to witness the heinous murder of two girls by Wild Bill. Stephen King did an excellent job making that come to life and letting us into the sorrows of life. He ponders the question of long age. What is the point of long age? You started to dig into that question, but it doesn't feel like you've delved into it enough. If you want to leave that a mystery for a roleplay, that's fine. Otherwise, come up with some tragic experiences for your OC in the three civil wars he went through.

 

Also, how did he become part of the Elder Council? Where was he from? What were his parents life? What was his childhood like? He can't have just popped out of nowhere. He has his origins! Give some detail into that as well! You can also stand to explain what the sunset of Kohr and the ritual offerings of Ahkatan were like. You say it's monumental to his character development, and yet you don't explain why it's so important. If it's a reference, then say it! There's lots of people who wouldn't get it. And finally, how did he travel to Equestria? Is it a completely different dimension from the ones he went through? If so, how did he jump dimensions? If not, how did he get there? By luck? By a map? Explain!

There's some good things here, but you really need to consider some extra things to make your OC a lot better than it is now.

         Score: 5/10

 

Personality: His personality is EXTREMELY cold. I understand this fact, but doesn't he ever see the good in this world? In 3000 years, he should have before. Maybe its disappearance is why he's gone so cold against anything else. Consider that as you write deeper into your OC's personality. And how does he decide who needs help? You imply that he has a decision making process inside him to decide if he will help or not. Dig into that a bit to help your character have a direction when you interact with it. Is there any other characteristic that he has other than cynicism? How about his cutie mark? What's it for? How does his projector link with the fact he's a lead scientist? 

 

Like all the other sections, you need a lot more careful thinking of your character. You started well, but you still need to make big jumps before your OC becomes more ripe for roleplaying and fanfictions.

      Score: 4/10

We have here a bat pony. Very interesting. Ok.

 

Appearance: The dark colours of this pony really do make him a nocturnal character of sorts. After all, she is a bat pony. Her lizard like eyes are also a departure from the typical pony eye, so that fits well with your bat pony's appearance. A nice blend of a navy blue body with a purple mane. You even added shadowing! Nice hoof rings too! Accentuates your OC as YOUR OC. 

      Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: First off, your backstory is a doozy. Wow. However, who is Fleudermaus? I tried to read your backstory for who he was, but I was never tuned into that detail. I think he's the name of Uoset Shadowveil's pet, but I'm probably wrong. It confused the backstory quite a bit. If you could clarify that in your backstory, that would be a great start. I love the emotional intensity you added throughout the interaction between your OC and the Skull-Carver though. Really ties her cutie mark story well with her life story overall. After all, that's what cutie marks are for right? Showing your ultimate talent and maybe even destiny. Plus, you practically have a clean slate to work with for your OC as she travels through Equestria in search of "life". Wow.

 

I can tell you put A LOT of thought into fermenting a solid backstory for your character. She is a bat pony, a type of pony I would never have considered concocting unless another person did it for me. And you delved into so much history in the other section. However, my story is based on your backstory. If you want me to read the entire history of the bat ponies, I guess I could do that, but I'm strained for time with MCAT holding the proverbial leash on me.

       Score: 8/10 

 

Personality: A very driven and ambitious bat pony. It provides lots of room for misunderstand between her and other characters. Plus, the fact she's a bat pony with such a drive can also turn off ponies even faster than a changeling would based on your other section's history lesson. Extremely passionate and fiery on the inside. Makes one wonder how ponies would react initially and lets other roleplayers reflect on the possible changes that could happen once a bat pony's interior is known. A great basis for themes on prejudice and unity in diversity. I like how you make her overly ambitious at times. Ever considered how she would react with failure however? You didn't really pose that possibility on your personality section. Otherwise, very fitting for your OC while still leaving room for character development.

      Score: 8.5/10

@GingerJoy

(Last one on my waiting list! I am open to new OCs for review! C'mon over!)

 

Appearance: He looks like a very inquisitive pony. His hat (what do you call it? I'm sorry) reminds me of Dr. Who for some reason as well. Did you think about that when you created your OC? I just made the connection because you mention that he's a doctor. He also has a very determined look about him based on his eyebrow positions. It provides a sense of strictness and firmness that I don't see in many ponies. Good job. 

        Score: 10/10

 

Backstory: Your backstory is awfully short. It leaves a lot up in the air, but at the same time, other people would like to see that you've had some idea of where your OC is going. For example, you never really mention his cutie mark story. How did he figure out his destiny? How would he explain a stone as his cutie mark? A lot of other ponies would be pretty intrigued by such a "plain" cutie mark in their eyes. 

 

Also, what type of high-paying job did his parents receive? Maybe it's that fact through which they force Rock Thatcher to undergo such high standards for his career. Also, which medical school does he go to? You say his social life was limited. Has he ever been bullied because of his anti-social nature? Has he ever gone through a love experience? Why has he been assigned to Ponyville? Why not Canterlot or Manehattan? After all, he's an extremely talented doctor by your description. 

 

There's a lot to write concerning your backstories. Basic details concerning his life are not mentioned enough. For a roleplay, clarity on his backstory is vital so that you can decide which aspects of his character you want to develop as the roleplay progresses.

       Score: 3/10

 

Personality: His personality sticks well with his backstory. His obstinate and insistent nature you can add to his personality section along with the other traits you posed. You place an internal emptiness he has because of his anti-social nature, which is good. His strict work ethic also carries over, so that's another quirk. So you've basically summarized his personality pretty well without going into too much flamboyance and fanfare. 

 

May I suggest pet peeves and possibly life experiences that prevent him from doing certain activities? That too can be added pretty nicely based on your OC's rigid lifestyle. Otherwise, it's short but sweet.

      Score: 8/10

[GingerJoy 43]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Wow man, thanks! I appreciate the time and thought you put into this  I understand you saying about the backstory being quite vague but I did that intentionally to make the character more flexible for RP's. It wouldn't hurt to be more detailed I guess, so I'll work on it more in my spare time with your advice mind.

 

Thanks again buddy!

[MaestroNep9997 26]

Hi Crimson! 

 

I'd like mine reviewed. 

Information can be found here: http://twitterponies.wikia.com/wiki/Maestro_Nepenthes

I know the phrasing of the personality section is quite weird and messy, but I couldn't have much time to change it. 

And yup, as for age, I take 1 pony year as approximately 4 human years, as stated here... http://www.scribd.com/doc/59198693/MLP-Age-Determination

Also, I've made the backstory pretty similar to my real life. 

Thanks in advance for your review! 

[--Thunder Bolt-- 534]

@@Sterling Crimson,

 

Thank you for your review of Nephthys Nightshade!  Yes, you were correct, Fleudermaus is the pet bat.  I'll try and get around to making that more clear in her bio.

[Inactive01 5,298]

@MaestroNep9997

 

Appearance: He looks cute enough. The glasses make him a prim classical composer, just as you intended. His hair style also reminds me of a classical composer who wants to look good in front of his audiences. I personally think the colour blending could be better, but if you like it that way, it's perfectly fine too. I'm not that great with colours, so you should consult an artist for that. Nevertheless, your pony's appearance matches his personality, so that's fine by me. Personally, I think your cutie mark's pretty original, but I was hoping you could something more Mozartian because you seem to be so focused on Mozart after all.

          Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: When you are dealing with crossing people from the real world with the Equestrian world, a common activity for writers to do is to ponify their names. That way, you're not clashing the worlds together. For example, instead of "Mozart", you should use "Marezart" instead. 

 

Now. To the backstory itself. When I see your backstory, I see a story where your character just lives out his life as a prodigy. That's it. Your character must have gone through a lot more than that. Even the great Mozart himself went through a lot of childhood flirtations and ";loves" in his life. You make him special from other ponies in his pedigree, but he's not really your OC. His essence is clearly lacking. Has he ever gone through different social experiences? How does he feel about his parents? Any parental conflicts? Any parent-child conflicts? Any self conflicts? Answering those questions can go a long way in making your OC much more like YOUR OC. 

           Score: 5.5/10

 

Personality: You have added enough quirks and characters to really make him stand out as a classical musician. You have made him sociable at times but not sociable in others, leaving room to develop the situations that trigger such responses. The fact that your maestro is also submissive more often than anything is interesting because a lot of other OCs have already undergone such levels of shyness and submission. What makes your OC unique from the other OCs in their submission? You denote his level of submission, but does he inwardly like it? Does he want to change that? Is he satisfied with it? 

 

Also, why is he reluctant to be a leader? Did something happen that caused such a retraction? This question can be answered in your backstory and that can supplement your OC's personality traits. Your personality section is very detailed, helping us see what your OC is like, but the traits you give are found in other OCs as well. How is your OC's submission different from others? Consider this as you continue to develop your OC.

         Score: 7.7/10

[MaestroNep9997 26]

@Sterling Crimson, thanks a lot for your time and effort in your review! I'll try to find time to improve on the descriptions on the site once I'm free.

 

Once again, thanks a lot for the pointers!

[Inactive01 5,298]

See all the satisfied forum members wanting my evaluation? I'm passionate about helping your OC shine everywhere it goes! So lend me your OCs! 

Edited August 20, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Silverhoof 2,839]

http://mlpforums.com/page/eqw-characters/_/unapproved/silverhoof-shadowbane-r30

 

OK. This is Silverhoof Shadowbane, my 2nd OC, and not yet approved. This the one I'm planning to toss into roleplaying. Though fan fiction looks fun too, especially his first adventure where I could only touch on here.

 

All the other characters are very brief compared to this one, and I'm afraid he's too much.

I did try to make his spells very clear, and easy to understand.

 

Please let me know what you think. Thanks. I'm pretty open to correction here.

PS, the art commission is underway, I just approved the basic sketch. so nothing that way, yet.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Silverhoof

[The Blades Shadow 444]

I'm not sure if I already asked you to do a review of my OC or not, but if I didn't... Then can you do a review for me?
Here is his profile: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/blazing-hoof-r4037

[Inactive01 5,298]

@Silverhoof

Disclaimer: First off, I'm not sure what the people are looking for at the Equestria section. Nonetheless, I do know that they want canon, so I'll try my best with what I know...

 

Appearance: A white coat with a dark red mane is hard to imagine at the moment. The contrast between the colours is simply too great to merit it being a good mixture of colours. However, that is probably because I haven't seen the completed work yet. Once I see it, I will probably be blown away as usual. Nonetheless, I like the fact you make his hoofs appear silver, probably influenced by your OC's name. You set him out from other ponies with a characteristic silver hoof unlike the other familial ponies who have a grey colour instead. Could it be genetic? Probably. But it still sets him out, a great plus.

 

For something as advanced as this, you should also consider other factors like his facial expressions. Face is the biggest component in any OC's appearance. Does he have any freckles? Does he have a swagger or a confidence about him that is apparent in his facial expressions? Consider his face when you're working on his character. For his mane, maybe add a streak to add an even more dynamic interface for your OC.

       Score: 7/10

 

Backstory: I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a Grammar Nazi, but I simply detest run-on sentences. It loses the magic that can be inherent within any sentence of lore. Here's an example: 

 

Now Silverhoof could talk to books, his tests sheets would give him the answers, maps would help him find the way.

 

As you can see, there's either three different ideas present or there's three different items in a category. Personally, I would make this much more magical with the following, but it's your call. 

"Thanks to the mysterious spell, Silverhoof could interact with writing like no pony had ever seen. He could talk to book, ask the test sheets to give him the answers, and even let the maps guide him on his quests."

 

Either way, run-on sentences can tire a reader very quickly, making it harder for them to see the magic you're placing in your writing. You've only done this once, so that's nice. Just keep that in mind as you continue to type your backstory. 

Now that that's out of the way, let's get back to your backstory. I see a story of determination and of curiosity at the beginning. It sets the tone for your OC, and that is a wonderful start. Plus, it doesn't hurt the canon of the original story too much, because even the Mane 6 went through their own story of magic. Silverhoof's opening of the trunk has the same feel as one of the Mane 6's cutie mark stories. A story of chance... maybe a story of predestination. At the same time, your backstory also has a sense of adventure and a sense of regret! That is also a good addition to your backstory!

 

Finally, the ending... that ending... lots of suspense... a new adventure... BUT... it may limit your character to roleplays involving the Everfree Forest... nevertheless, lots of adventures can very easily involve that, so it's a great opportunity for your OC to develop his character in that roleplay. 

 

Just one thing. Have you considered friendship-making a part of your backstory? You say in your character's personality that he's outgoing and friendly. Any cases where that's the case in his backstory? I don't see it too explicitly in your backstory. Maybe you could consider that as you continue to develop it.

     Score: 8.5/10

 

Personality: I can see that your adventurer is a huge fan of cheap novels. I like the apparent satire you place against your OC for this. It just highlights a perk of his! It's quite funny! I also like the fact you add a slight, yet very important weakness in his: forgetfulness. If you could just find a way to give a brief example of that in your backstory, that would really solidify this weakness! I also love the fact that despite how adventurous he is, he hates bugs. Classic! Hilarious! A wonderful perk! 

 

What I also find interesting is that your stallion has struck out with a lot of mares. I find this to be a VERY, VERY cliche characteristic in many stallions. Heck, even I am guilty of this very fact! Don't fear. This is not a flame. All I'm saying is that if you wish to go down that road, you'd better make one heck of a unique love story for him. I remember a quote from Facebook or somewhere, but it's got a lot of wisdom. I can't remember the exact same quote, but I do know it mentions that no two people ever have the same love story. Keep that in mind as you roleplay...  

      Score: 8/10

 

All in all, a good OC that can receive some fine-tuning. I don't see too many problems with it away from canon. 

 

EDIT: Oh by the way, that cutie mark... did you eve consider a cutie mark that breathed adventure to life? It fits your OC well. I can't think of anything, but consider this as you write.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Dreadmallon 353]

   This is not a set profile on my OC (If anyone remembers last time I mentioned his profile, and it being completely different, please acknowledge that I have no idea which direction to go in, and I'm highly worried about other's opinions of him), but nonetheless, I wanted to see how it would get rated to see if I was going in the right direction:

 

Name: Unknown (for now)

 

Alias: New Moon (Origin - Came overtime as ponies came to realize the gem on his chestpiece)

 

Age: Slightly older than Sunset Shimmer, but for formality's sake, he's 21 years old.

 

Appearance (Not completely updated):

 

Backstory:

   New Moon is one of the best thieves in all of Equestria, and a former student of Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. He was enrolled as a young colt after being offered admission in return for an end to his thieving career, as the Princess was impressed with his abilities. Moon struggled in the School, between the actual work, minimal bullying from spoiled ponies, and most importantly, caring for his little sister. Eventually, following a long period of time, his sister grew sickly, and could not be treated. New Moon, desperate for a cure, goes against the Princess' word and steals a fragment from the Lunar Orb (It's lore I created for my fanfiction; The Celestial Orbs are powerful artifacts that existed even before Celestia and Luna's reign (it's hinted they were created from them), and controlled the movement of the Sun and Moon. Over time, they became lost, until the Lunar Orb was found and brought to Canterlot 41 (random) years prior to current time). Luckily, he was able to cure his sister, but in the process became corrupted by the power. When word came out of the theft, he was already gone, knowing the punishment he would get. For the next couple years, he would study amongst himself on magic of his own interests, rise to the top as a thief in Equestria, as he had failed at practically everything else (job-wise) that he tried to do, and care for his sister (who he had managed to keep his thief career a secret from; the  thing that has kept Moon a neutral/good character is his sister).

 

Skills:

   Magic - New Moon is a skilled magician not to be underestimated. He is talented in the art of illusion, teleportation, enchanting, and invisibility. If he could be compared to any other magic-user in the show in terms of raw magical strength, he'd be closest to Shining Armor (whether he's lower or higher than him is unknown).

   Intelligence - Moon is a very skilled planner and tactician, and seems to almost always have a plan for something. He is also somewhat of a scholar, but overall, he's not nearly as book-smart as, say, Twilight.

   Stealth - His main skill, Moon is incredibly stealthy. He often relies on sneaking, and for good reason.

   Combat - Being a thief, Moon is very skilled in combat, physically (very versatile/quick; somewhat durable) and magically (mostly used in combat vs. physical; he knows many spells that could be utilized in combat). He knows how to fight, and more. Despite this, he typically prefers to avoid fights.

 

Weaknesses:

    New Moon is not without flaws. For example, he is very independent/stubborn and protective of those he cares for, mainly his sister. It is believed he has a minor/moderate fear of ghosts. And, despite his strengths, he is typically outclassed by those more powerful than him. (Honestly having issues explaining his weaknesses, is that bad? Suggestions?)

 

Personality:
   New Moon, despite being a rather serious and distrusting stallion, enjoys what he does, and it shows. (Cannot really explain this that well, maybe because it's late where I'm at. The summary of his personality is above, and I'll (try) to add to it tomorrow (?))

 

 What do you think? Should I keep it, or start again?

Edited August 20, 2013 by Alkryn

[Inactive01 5,298]

 

Appearance: I like his colour scheme. A mix of orange, yellow, and red. They are great colours when blended correctly and you chose them well. But... why... why is your cutie mark so depressing... (more on that later). 

      Score: 9/10

 

Backstory and Personality: I scrunched up these two sections because I have the same comment for both sections.

 

One word. Depressing. One question: Why? I mean, it's one thing for you OC to go through a lot of struggles with love and socializing, but the fact that his essence and embodiment is depression and that his cutie mark shows that? That's overly depressing. A cutie mark is supposed to show talent at something. A gift of beauty and of grace. A gift of depression is... paradoxical to say the least. Equestria is not that depressing. This world can be depressing but Equestria? No. And the fact he can't use magic ever since birth should probably "relegate" him to an Earth Pony. I haven't seen anything like this in any unicorn. I've seen unicorns using limited magic, but not being born without magic.

 

Furthermore, I see a deep contradiction in your personality. If he is now social and has friends, then why face such suffering? Surely he's had some recovery from his ill-fated past. I understand the concept of bipolar disorder and deep depression, and your character clearly has it. Yes Pinkie Pie can go crazy with her own form of insanity, but she is the element of laughter. It's understandable for her to go crazy because she embodies partying and happiness. Plus, that side of her is by no means who she is. 

         Score: 3/10

 

What I highly suggest you do is to not remove any of this stuff. I highly suggest you begin by changing your cutie mark. Think of something he can be good at. There's got to be something! You can pick anything, so long as it's worthwhile for him and everypony else. Medicine, music, history, archaeology! The possibilities are endless! Give him a talent! Give him some positive aspects of life! It's not wrong to have bouts of depression because even Pinkie had that! But to make your OC suffer so much as to commit suicide? I don't want that happening to any pony. And that's why I've always had a staunch distaste towards depressing OCs.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Sterling Crimson

[Lil' Lovebug 1,041]

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/bladed-hearts-r4248

 

I know the Cutie Mark and story might be a bit... odd, but I would love to see what you think. Might also come back once I type up my other two OC's character sheets.

[Silverhoof 2,839]

@@Sterling Crimson,

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your look at this character. I did ask the artist for a cocky grin.

As I wait for approval there is a lot of second guessing. Feedback is very welcome!.

 

Midnight for me, so no real changes until I can think clearly.

 

---Thanks!

Edited August 20, 2013 by Silverhoof

[Inactive01 5,298]

 

Appearance: He looks very mysterious. Very dark... very mischievous. It fits his backstory and personality well, considering his life as a thief. His armour also helps make him stand out from others. Did you draw that? If so, then that's awesome! Considering he is a unicorn, you never mention what his cutie mark is. Have you considered this when you were making your character? Also, when you're concealing a character's identity, you have to make sure we also know what he looks like without the concealment. The other ponies won't know for sure, but as mediators from above, it's up to you to be able to describe what he actually looks like, so consider that as you continue to develop your character.

        Score: 8/10

 

Backstory: What you have here is a potentially excellent backstory. A story of a thief who is given a chance at redemption, but who misuses it. Even though it was a misuse, it was for a good cause as he realized that his sister was incurable. It reflects a world that is broken, and a lot of people don't take note that Equestria is not always bright and beautiful as the show makes it. In light of this, don't start the backstory over. You've got a lot to work with in the backstory you have shown me.

 

Here's some suggestions though. First off, how was your OC corrupted by the power of the orbs? In what ways did he change negatively? Also, why does he care so much for his sister? How was such a special bond created between the siblings? Did something happen to his parents that led him to this? Or was it something else? As for the Lunar Orbs, if you are adding details that you came up on your own that doesn't fit canon, then I highly suggest you place a lot of effort to explain it as carefully and succinctly as possible to let readers tune into your OC's story better. Any finally, where did he go after word of the theft spread? The Everfree Forest? The Palomino deserts? Could he have been befriended by dragons or even Diamond Dogs? You got good stuff here, but consider these questions as you continue to develop your story.

        Score: 7.3/10

 

Personality: I won't mark you on the personality section because you haven't really come up with anything yet. You have started off with the fact that he can be serious and doubtful towards others, which is fine considering his background. Maybe you could add some habits that are associated with him and who he is. How about... him speaking to himself all the time trying to concoct a new method of stealing a certain item? Maybe he's so good that in every theft he performs, he does something new, so he's always unpredictable. Maybe it's a bit too strong, but just have a consideration of a quirk that can cement your OC as a character. 

 

Also, as for your weakness section, you say that he's the best thief in Equestria, so how can be outclassed? Otherwise, I like the idea of him being scared of ghosts. Any particular reason why though? Also, you give him an awful lot of strengths. Maybe take off combat as a strength? That way, it would make it all the more vital that your OC be as efficient as he can be as a thief because he doesn't want to have confrontations, kinda like the Hitman?

       Score: --/10. If you insist on a mark, then 6/10

 

Appearance: He is a classic black and white. Surprisingly the first one to have executed such a scheme. I would have expected this colour scheme to be more common. Nonetheless, he looks like a good, down to Earth pony. The silver watch on his left hoof also adds to the originality of his character. Then there's the cuts (sorry if they aren't cuts) that are on his forehead and his mouth. That's the first pony I've seen to have a cut on his mouth. Another point for originality. I don't have much else to say other than the fact DJ's glasses are quite overused. Any chance you can find another pair of glasses?

       Score: 9/10

 

Backstory: There's a few things that are off about your character's backstory. A cutie mark is supposed to shed light on a characteristic that is positive. It's supposed to reflect what the character can do at his best. In your case, his talent is being able to make friends very easily and act like a socialite of sorts. The fact he unintentionally hurts others should not be a part of the cutie mark. Take for example Pinkie Pie's cutie mark of balloons. It represents her love of parties and her exuberant nature. It doesn't reflect how excessive it can be; it just says that parties are what she does best.

 

That being said, a cutie mark should never be manifested as a result of hurting another pony. Cutie marks are supposed to show what the OC can do to help others, not hurt them. Keep what you wrote about him unintentionally hurting others as a weakness with that example you've shown. For the cutie mark experience, provide something positive. Show an incident where his talent for caring for others shines even when others are feeling down. Keep the mistakes that he has made as well. Just change his cutie mark to reflect his strength more than his weakness. 

 

I also suggest that you add paragraph indents. It separates ideas from each other and lets me know which phase of the story I'm reading. For example, that below is one paragraph. 

 

Originally from Baltimare and friend to many, Hearts was content with his happy life. He had grown up with his parents and brother in a small suburban house. He got his cutie mark when he was at a party with his friends and made a poor joke that hurt one of his friends. He realized that no matter how good he was to his friends, he would somehow end up hurting them. This saddened him greatly and he sat in his room for weeks getting food from his parents through the door. He regretted what he had done and was devastated by his cutie mark. 

 

Here is where your next paragraph should be:

 

Eventually he snapped out of his depression and left home for Richmare (Richmond?). Once there he changed his name to Bladed Hearts and sent a letter to his parents asking that they refer to him by that name instead of his original one. He started a good life on the outskirts of town. Everyday he went to work everyday at the local ice cream shop and happily served all customers that came in the shop. It was a good job that payed good bits. After work Hearts went to a daycare to help look after little fillies and colts. He enjoyed playing with the foals and often used magic to do tricks for them. He made numerous friends of the foals parents and his customers.

 

So that's most of what I have to say about that. You have a good backstory, but I don't really like the significance of your cutie mark for reasons stated above.

        Score: 7/10

 

Personality: His personality is extremely condensed. All you do is give him likes and dislikes. This is good for a summary for what your character is and isn't. However, you're missing the extra oomph that makes your OC your OC. It can probably be established better through roleplaying, but have you ever considered the aspects that make him outgoing and social? Why is he outgoing and social? Why does he feel so friendly towards everyone? Is it because he wants to give everypony a smile like Pinkie Pie? Or is it because of the fact that although his life isn't the best, that he wants to give the best to everypony else anyway? Is he eccentric? Does he do some things nopony else would dare doing? Maybe scream out loud even when everypony's beside him? Come up with something unique by considering those questions and it'll help your OC grow.

        Score: 7/10

[Lil' Lovebug 1,041]

Here's another!

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/lyrical-verses-r4257

Really do love how in depth you get with these. You bring out a dynamic that I think most creators don't see.

[Literally Snails 2,307]

@@Sterling Crimson, Do you mind if I ask for another review? :3

 

This ones a pretty despicable character. Someone you'd love to hate.

 

http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/mason-r4280

[Inactive01 5,298]

 

Sure! I'll get to it as soon as I'm done my review on Bladed and Verses' 2nd OC. And sorry for not getting to your OC quickly enough. I'll try my best to get to it either tonight or tomorrow!

Edited August 23, 2013 by Sterling Crimson