romance First Chapter done for my new Fan Fiction. Thoughts?

[tdtuesday1 11]

I'm hoping to get some attention here, see how this goes. I'll edit some stuff, make it better, all on what you guys like, or don't like. Then, we'll see how a second Chapter comes. But anyway, here you go, enjoy! Oh, and also, when I copy and pasted the story here, all the indents came out of the paragraphs, so it'll look better on the final project. Enjoy!

 

[in development]

Edited August 21, 2013 by tdtuesday1

[Melior 52]

Sorry if I come off as rude.

 

"A stallion and his wife have woken up and are preparing for the day ahead." This sentence and many others are very flat. They tell you what's happening and that's it. How do they feel this morning? Are they frustrated, are they used to it? The breakfast scene is very generic and doesn't build up any real character. Always think what does this add to the story. Remember: show not tell.

 

I feel that the story would be better if you jumped right into the tour or start of by giving us a reason to like/care about the characters. Since this is a romance fic I think you'd be able to convey the emotions of the characters if you told the story in the perspective of the the mare or stallion.

 

About the mare. Is she really excited for the baby? She seems to like teasing her husband. In a first chapter I would like to see how the two main characters play off each other which only really happens near the end.

 

The start with the words would have more impact if the stallion or mare were reading them to the audience because their spouse died (for example, I'm not saying you should have one of them die), or reading it to their spouse.

[Happysalesman 23]

H'okay, heeeere we go.

 

Firstly, the chunk in the beginning about Sympathy, Forgiveness, and Trust? Reeeeeeeaally seems to have absolutely nothing to do with the story. It could be you're trying to allude to something further in, but right now it just seems unnecessary.

 

Secondly, just as the story starts, you say "Elsewhere, in the past" and then right after that, you say "Canterlot, present day". Pick one, you can't be in the present and the past at the same time. Also, why the sudden change from third person to second? This transition is confusing, especially with the paragraph where you address the readers directly. If I had to choose, I would say leave it in second person entirely, from the first line of dialogue.

 

I'm going to try to avoid beating a dead horse (sorry for the pun) by not going over what Melior already touched on.

 

Thirdly, why were there two guards at the front door of his house? Who is this pony to warrant two royal (emphasis on the royal part there) guards to stand in front of his door, when there's nothing going on? Even if it was some kind of prank by his wife, the odds of pulling away two royal guards is... You've a better chance of making the british royal guards laugh. Also, since when does someone learning that they're pregnant warrant an emergency? Going into labor? Heck yes. Peeing on a stick? Not so much.

 

Lastly, the stallion mentioned 'trouble' of raising a child. What trouble? Financial trouble? emotional trouble? There are a plethora of reasons someone could be in 'trouble', and by not defining it, you leave the reader lost (especially considering this is written in 2nd person).

 

Take time to describe your setting. Paint a picture with words. I know it's 2nd person, but I have no idea what the stallion, or the wife look like in this.

 

Read over your story a few more times. There are a few sections where the wording needs a minor tweak.

 

That's all I've got for now, look forward to your update

[MLP Moth 224]

There is no right or wrong way to write a story. Your story can have more potential if you add a couple more characters throughout the next few chapters but, this is your story so if you feel comfortable the way it is keep going with it.