writing Friendship Fire

[Shadaking_StormCloud 3]

This is a text i wrote a few months ago. There is maybe Incorrect grammar but that is because i come from sweden. If you find anything that is wrong, please tell me.


The darkness is swallowing you. It is cold and You can't breath and you think that no one will remember you... But suddenly, a small light. It is a fire it looks like it is coming from a lighter. It is not warming so much and it is not so bright but it is there and you feel safe now. The fire is starting to grow and be come bigger, the heat and light is becoming more intensive and soon is the fire same size as a camp fire. You sit down next to it and you can breath againg and you are not freezing any more. You look into the fire and you start to see faces and names, first you don't know whos faces and names it is but soon you realize that it is all your friends faces and names you are seeing and you understand that you friends are the light,the warmth and the happiness in your dark, cold, sad life so you stand up and you go out in the big world and you start to make more friends to keep the fire alive and also to start some new fires.

 

[Sloggobbler 31]

I could proof read this for you if you want. I haven't really proof read anybody's work before, but i'm good at revising my own works; I also tutor students in grammar. 

 

Edit: I've decided to just proof read this anyway so, here goes.

 

Version with mistakes highlighted:

 

Red = Needs to be removed/changed

Green =  Needs to be added

Yellow = See notes below

 

The darkness is swallowing you. It is cold, and You can't breath, and you think that no one will remember you... But suddenly, a* small light. It is a fire; it looks like it is coming from a lighter. It is not warming so much and it is not so bright**, but it is there, and you feel safe now. The fire is starting to grow and be come bigger, the heat and light is becoming more intensive, and soon is the fire same size as a camp fire***. You sit down next to it, and you can breath againg, and you are not freezing any more. You look into the fire and you start to see faces and names, first, you don't know who's faces and names it is, but soon, you realize that it is all your friends, faces and names. You are seeing**** and you understand that you friends are the light, the warmth and the happiness in your dark, cold, sad life. So you stand up and you go out in the big world and you start to make more friends to keep the fire alive and also to start some new fires.

 

*I would recommend that you change it to "you see a"

**You could shorten the sentence and make it sound more fluent by saying "It is not very warming or bright."

***Needs to be changed to "and it soon grows to the size of a campfire."

****You need to clarify what the reader is seeing after you say that; I would recommend removing this and changing "understand" to "realize"

 

Version with all mistakes fixed:

 

The darkness is swallowing you. It is cold, you can't breathe, and you think that no one will remember you. But suddenly, you see a small light. It is a fire; it looks like it is coming from a lighter. It is very warming or bright, but it is there, and you feel safe now. The fire is starting to grow and become bigger; the heat and light is becoming more intense, and it soon grows to the size of a campfire. You sit down next to it, you can breath again, and you are not freezing any more. You look into the fire and you start to see faces and names; first, you don't know who's faces and names they are, but soon, you realize that they are all your friend's faces and names. You realize that you friends are the light, the warmth and the happiness in your dark, cold, sad life, so you stand up, you go out in the big world, and you start to make more friends to keep the fire alive start some new fires.

 

This was my first time proof reading anybody's work. Hopefully I didn't miss anything!

 

Here's my short critique on your story: While the story does send a good message to the reader, it sounds a little bit too objective near the end. Stories like these are supposed to be uplifting and bring joy to the reader, but by calling the reader's life dark, cold, and sad, is a little insulting. I think the story would have worked best if you used a Third-person narrative with the main character's name not being revealed. Not only would this allow your story to be more flexible, but it would decrease, if not, remove the objective sound at the end. This would let you keep the part in which you negatively describe the main character's life, and keep the reader in a happy mood. Also, (if you are writing the Third-person narrative) the personality and name of the main character should not be revealed. This is so that the reader can relate to the character if the reader thinks that his life sucks. Fun Fact: Many pop artists, like Justin Beiber, use this technique when describing their dream girl in their songs. They will vaguely describe their dream girl so that fans will think that the song is describing them. The main reason celebrities do this is so that they can get more fans and money. Don't worry though, your only doing this to make your writing less objective. Bo Burnham made a song that makes fun of this: (Non kid friendly lyrics) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0YbfX5JtxE

 

Anyway, I think you did a good job overall! Your skills should improve as you continue writing.

Edited November 26, 2013 by Axtev