Flutter3825 9 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 I'm starting my first fanfic and I would like some opinions on it. I want to be sure that it isn't boring so far, that the canon characters aren't too OOC, and the protagonist isn't a "mary sue" so far. Any advice would be much appreciated https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9h-5F0otKSbS1VpQXJCRl9zeVU/edit?usp=sharing 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IRegretThisWholePartOfM 58 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 That... Is.... AMAZING Please for the love of all good and awsome WRITE MORE 1 The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age.” H.P. Lovecraft "The Call of Cthulhu" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delernil 952 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 ALL MY YES ALL MY FUCKING YES 1 I only love you platonically. As in plate tectonics. As in two bodies sliding against each other. <3 -Makusu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheYoungestBrony 45 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 A few typos. It might be good to add more description before jumping to a new action or event. And also describe Jack. Religion nor science can explain the start of the universe, because it is infinite, and nothing can explain infinity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
repsol rave 2,963 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 looks top-tier if you ask me. tough as the user above me stated, jack could be discribed a bit more. all my yes tough, this was awesome! My OC's: Roarke, Repsol and Crystal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flutter3825 9 January 31, 2014 Author Share January 31, 2014 I honestly didn't expect that people would like it this much... I will add more to Jack's character next time I start writing, and I will start checking for typos too I will post a new topic when I have my alpha of the story done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scootalove 10,689 January 31, 2014 Share January 31, 2014 I loved it, what a wonderful job sir! Credit: Moony © Forum FAQ Forum Rules Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Book Horse 12 February 5, 2014 Share February 5, 2014 Really awesome! I was just wondering through the forums before I got on with my math not expecting to get drawn in by a story! Then you leave me at a really big cliffhanger! You have to continue this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flutter3825 9 February 16, 2014 Author Share February 16, 2014 I've made very little progress since the initial post, but nevertheless I'm still writing on it. I completely revamped the prologue, as per a few suggestions. nothing really note worthy except I AM still working on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LunarEclipse1 22 February 17, 2014 Share February 17, 2014 PLEASE write more! I can't wait to read it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revolver Bobcat 45 February 23, 2014 Share February 23, 2014 Uh... i find your main character very relaxed about his situation and oddly eager to return to his most likely destroyed planet. Also, it feels somewhat rushed, specialy the caracters, they don't seem to mind about anything too much just for the sake of convenience, i don't say they would freak out but maybe they would think twice before trusting the new monkey on town who also happens to know their names. You really took your time to describe your weapons and survival gear, heck, its pretty much the whole chapter 2. I don't fancy weapons in fanfics (If one character needs a weapons i just make the caracter grab a treebranch and start whacking everybody), but if you mentioned them with that much detail then you better use them for something. Also: Videogames, okay. Shooting guns, why not?. Watching MLP, that's a given. Forge... ... When you say forge, do you mean the large thingy where you heat metal and make swords, armor, horse shoes and whatnot? Where does this person lives? Becouse even the smallets forges are pretty big (And expensive) for a normal house, unless he happens to find that very special house with a forge that happens to be cheap. Which gets me to my next point. Where does he get all that money? The guy is working on tech support, he can not possibly earn that much money to support all of his hobbies, and how does he has time for all of this anyway? This isn't a hate rant on you, i mean it, but your character seems to have "That special something", that something that makes the universe bend over and help him in his time of need and makes the rest of the cast act accordingly. There's a name for that type of character, it's called a mary sue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bastion 414 February 23, 2014 Share February 23, 2014 I'll be saving this story for when I get popcorn and a good drink to enjoy it with, read the first few chapters and I'm enjoying it greatly. A samurai pyromancer? That's a bit overpowered. "Trust me, there is much more out there that's stronger than me, I'm a soldier, not a god" http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/burning-h-bastion-r5178 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flutter3825 9 March 1, 2014 Author Share March 1, 2014 I revamped the entire prologue and removed the part about the forge. The revamped into also addresses how he has so much free time to follow so many hobbies (spoiler alert: he 'has no life') (spoiler contains random and unrelated forge knowledge) on a side note completely unrelated to story... I have a forge my dad and i made out of scrap metal and a propane tank... it may be a POS that barely gets steel hot enough to bend and hammer, but it works (spoiler contains spoilers, reason for weapon descriptions, and random weapon knowledge. Don't click unless you want a paragraph talking about guns) I plan on there being a shoot out near the end of the story with other humans that get transported to equestria, just like Jack was. Also, by the detail I went through the weapons, I wanted to express Jacks love of weapons (which will get him into trouble later with ponies, who obviously don't like fighting). All the firearms Jack has are extremely cheap too (as far as I know). Years ago (I'm not kidding on this point) you could get a crate of 10 SKSs for about $1000. What someone would do with this many guns beats me. Ammo for the guns he uses was (again, years ago) very cheap too (since ammo for these guns were mass produced by every eastern bloc country during the cold war). All the guns and ammo possessed by Jack are extremely old and cheap About the characters being "too relaxed", that part kind of bothered me while writing it too, when writing the last chapter, it was getting late at night and I wanted to have a logical stop point for me to post something, so I rushed a bit. This was the first fanfic I have ever written so i wanted a review before I got too far to see if I was doing ok, or if it was a pile of... ahem... Point on "mary sue": I will definitely keep my eyes open while I'm writing for anything too perfect or lucky, and I will keep my ears open for reviews when I post updates (where or when I post these, I'm not sure yet) Thank you very much for your review, comments like that are much more useful to me than posts just saying its good. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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