Alright, please rate my prolouge of my fan-fic!

[Book Horse 12]

Original Thread:  http://mlpforums.com/topic/87127-what-do-you-think-of-my-idea/

I've started so many topics about this, asking for your opinion.  But I think I finally have my fanfic idea!  Here's the prologue of the story and the first bit of chapter one.  Be honest with what you think, and don't hold back!

 

Prologue

 

Princess Candance was reading a book in her bedroom.  It was dark and stormy outside.  Candance flipped the page.  Then there was a tremendous boom of thunder.  She looked out the window and shuddered. 

     "I'm going to get some water," Shining Armour said. 

     "Ok," Candance replied, and looked back at her book.

     Shining left the room leaving Candance alone. 

     Another boom of thunder sounded, and lightning lit up the room.  She happened to look up at that moment and saw the shadow of the most horrifying thing she had ever seen.  She slowly turned around to see what looked to be half pony and half dragon looking in at her through the window.  It grinned when it saw her looking at it.

     Candance dropped her book and ran to the bedroom door.  She opened it and ran out just as she heard the window break.  Candance galloped down the hall knowing the 'thing' was behind her.  Turning she began running down the stairs, but then the thing grabbed her and pulled her back to it.  She lifted a nearby vase and used her magic to throw it at the beast.  It let out a growl, and loosened its grip for a split second.  That was all Candance needed.  She sprinted down the stairs and then down the second flight of stairs.  But the thing was on her again. 

     "Noo!"  Candance cried as she was engulfed by the creature.  It lifted her up off the ground, and carried her up to the ceiling and out the main window.  The last thing she saw before the beast broke it and carried her out was Shining Armour turning the corner and seeing her being carried off.  Candance screamed all the way it carried her, until they were out of view of the castle. 

 

In Canterlot

 

The guard galloped through the hallway and up the stairs.  He knew he had to get tell Princess Celestia about what happened as soon as possible.  He passed several other servants who were going about their daily chores, and finally arrived at the Princesses room.  He knocked, and waited for her to reply.  When the door finally opened, the guard rushed in.

     "What is it Cloud Tumble?"  Princess Celestia asked. 

     "It's Princess Candance."  He paused and took a deep breath.  "She's gone missing!"

     Celestia's eyes widened.  Then she quickly gave him orders:  "Go alert the rest of the Royal Guard and lead a search party for her starting in the Crystal Empire.  Also search all the surrounding cities." 

     "Yes, Princess," Cloud Tumble replied.  He rushed out of the room, leaving Celestia to pick up a quill and start a letter.

Edited February 6, 2014 by WonderWolf01

[Shadow Scoundrel 5]

And this is the beginning of "Pony Bros" but shining armor is not a plumber... hmmm

cool fan fic, though, I have one as well (also a work in progress) head over here to see it!

http://mlpforums.com/topic/87204-friendship-is-survival/#entry2276492

[Bucket 107]

Eh. It's a little short, and it seems really rushed. But the writing and details are pretty good. I give it a 7 or 8/10

[CHAOS_FANTAZY 42]

The added detail of Cadance actually fighting back was nice; that much, I'll give you.  Your sentences are missing some much-needed commas, though.

 

Overall, nothing specifically interesting is presented to really draw me in.  Keep in mind that there are thousands upon thousands of pony fanfictions.  What makes yours so special it's worth reading?

 

Also, it's Princess Cadance, not "Candace."

[Book Horse 12]

The added detail of Cadance actually fighting back was nice; that much, I'll give you.  Your sentences are missing some much-needed commas, though.

 

Overall, nothing specifically interesting is presented to really draw me in.  Keep in mind that there are thousands upon thousands of pony fanfictions.  What makes yours so special it's worth reading?

 

Also, it's Princess Cadance, not "Candace."

 

And this is the beginning of "Pony Bros" but shining armor is not a plumber... hmmm

cool fan fic, though, I have one as well (also a work in progress) head over here to see it!

http://mlpforums.com/topic/87204-friendship-is-survival/#entry2276492

Thanks, I'll check yours out.  I didn't know this was someone Else's though.  But this is just the prologue, and hopefully the rest hasn't already been made.  Also where does it say Shining is a plumber?

 

The added detail of Cadance actually fighting back was nice; that much, I'll give you.  Your sentences are missing some much-needed commas, though.

 

Overall, nothing specifically interesting is presented to really draw me in.  Keep in mind that there are thousands upon thousands of pony fanfictions.  What makes yours so special it's worth reading?

 

Also, it's Princess Cadance, not "Candace."

Thanks, I'll change it to Candance.  This is my first fanfic btw, and this is just the prologue.  I've already written about half of the first chapter.  thanks for the feedback.

Eh. It's a little short, and it seems really rushed. But the writing and details are pretty good. I give it a 7 or 8/10

Thanks, and it was rushed.  I was trying to get it done before dinner.  I only had about 10 minutes to write it and about 1 minute to edit.  I'll work on it, however. 

Edited February 6, 2014 by WonderWolf01

[Shadow Scoundrel 5]

I just meant that I was working on a fan fic as well (Not like yours) it's the back story of my OC.

[True Rarity 1,240]

That's not bad. I think the sentences are a bit short and choppy at the beginning, and the whole thing seems a bit too rushed. But, other than that, great work.

[CHAOS_FANTAZY 42]

Thanks, I'll change it to Candance.  This is my first fanfic btw, and this is just the prologue.  I've already written about half of the first chapter.  thanks for the feedback.

Not Candance.  Cadance.  I'm sure Cadance can dance, but that's not her name; it's Cadance.  C-A-D-A-N-C-E.  Like "cadence," the musical term, but with an "A" instead.

 

This is inevitably going to be interpreted as cold and callous, but inexperience is no excuse.  I've known multiple success stories where the person's first attempt was a smash hit, and not just in the writing scene.  Just because you're new to the writing scene doesn't mean you're going to be bad (And, conversely, just because you've been writing for a while doesn't mean you're good—look at Stephanie Meyer).  There are more ways than one to know what goes into making a story truly great—my favorite of which is reading great stories.

 

The thing about your prologue, though, is that in order to keep the reader reading, you have to draw them in.  Imagine you're in the Crystal Kingdom Library, where there are thousands, if not millions, of books to read.  Which ones are worth the time it takes to read them?  You'll walk by row after row, observing the titles of books, until a name catches your eye.  Then you'll pull that book off the shelf and read the book's back cover for some general information of what it's about.  If that's intriguing enough, you'll pop it open and read a few pages, just to be safe.  If all signs point to "Yes, I want to read this," you'll check the book out and go home with it.

The same principles apply to writing a fanfiction.  You have competition, and lots of it; so you have to work extra hard on your title, description, and first chapter or so (In this case, the prologue) to make sure it really catches and draws the audience in.  I, for one, wasn't gripped.  Mildly intrigued, perhaps, but not enough to keep reading.

Edited February 7, 2014 by CHAOS_FANTAZY