dark My Little Horror Show

[Cyborg Doctor 27]

This is my first fanfic, and positive feed back would be nice. I'm only going to post the first chapter, and if you want more, then just ask!

So here we go!

 

Night 1:

Where am I? How did I get here? I remember taking the last train from Canterlot, now I’m here. The forest towers above me, the mist tumbling around me. It’s so thick, keeping me from seeing beyond the front tree line. I glanced over my shoulder, the mist was pooling forwards. I trotted on, in fear if the mist caught up to me, it would suffocate me.

I moved onward with shaky trots. The path extended for entity. But all too soon, I see a building in the distance. It was separated from the forest, by a graveyard. I carefully navigated around the discarded bones and skulls, in order to get to the building. I’m serious when I say I heard them whispering in the gloom.  

Standing at the edge of the yard, I finally saw the building for the first time. It was run down, and had weeds growing up the side, like one of those buildings you would just ignore on your way to some place more important. It was two stories high, seeing the height of the windows.

 I noticed a name over the door, in run down letters:

Derpy House.

I reached the door, and reached out to turn the knobs. But I noticed they were skulls. I shivered, turning them.

I walked into the building, finding myself at the front desk. I saw the waiting room off to the side. I stood there going through some thoughts in my head, while the door closed behind me with a soft click.

I decided to see if the front desk had a bell when:

“Would you like a room?”

 I made a slight jump, and whipped my head to where the noise was coming from. A gray pegasus was staring at me, well, at least one eye was. The other seemed to have a mind of its own. Her head was tilted, her gold mane lopsided. There was something off about her that gave me shivers. 

“You must be very tired, having walked all the way here. Dead tired in fact.” She paused, studying my face. “How do I know that? Most guests usually are.” She paused, probably waiting for me to react. When I didn't, she continued. “Never mind. So, how about that room?”

I just nodded my head, as words failed me.

“Then you just stay here. I’ll go get your room ready.” I watched her walk into the gloom, until the darkness ate up the light of her candle flame.

It was quiet for around a minute, and then I heard sharp thuds, accomplished by an ear piercing scream.

The mare came back a few seconds later, her candle gone. She was covered in, what was that? Blood? “Follow me please.” When she turned around, I saw she had a knife lodged in between her ears. 

I heard her muttering something about a  Pinkamena remembering to keep her door shut, as we got swallowed up by the dark hallway.

Edited May 8, 2014 by Cyborg Doctor

[Pinkamena Dianne Pie 465]

I like it. The fact that you incorporated Derpy into a horror actual intrigues me quite a bit. Now, I have only one quip, and if you can guess what it is, I'll give you a cupcake.

(Would like to read the rest.)

[Scare Effect 312]

i really liked it. it just confused me little. and you spelled Pinkamena wrong. but other than that it was great

Edited May 8, 2014 by Chaotic flier

[Larkybird~ 734]

That was pretty damned good. Heh. I was wondering if anyone knew about "The Gregory Horror Show" here.

[Digit 321]

This was good. Its pacing was good and it was well set up. I've never been a huge fan of first person narratives but you pulled it off with this one. The one thing little bit of criticism is try not to be overly descriptive. You want to try and let the reader build the world themselves, sometimes a more subtle description of a characters surroundings can be more impactful than anything. Little anecdotes about It can allow a readers imagination to run wild and can create an atmosphere that is personalized while still being within the range of your own vision. Still very well done especially for your first one.

Edited May 8, 2014 by Digit

[Cyborg Doctor 27]

I like it. The fact that you incorporated Derpy into a horror actual intrigues me quite a bit. Now, I have only one quip, and if you can guess what it is, I'll give you a cupcake.

(Would like to read the rest.)

I might get around to a cupcake chapter.

 

 

That was pretty damned good. Heh. I was wondering if anyone knew about "The Gregory Horror Show" here.

It's my fave horror anime!

 

This was good. Its pacing was good and it was well set up. I've never been a huge fan of first person narratives but you pulled it off with this one. The one thing little bit of criticism is try not to be overly descriptive. You want to try and let the reader build the world themselves, sometimes a more subtle description of a characters surroundings can be more impactful than anything. Little anecdotes about It can allow a readers imagination to run wild and can create an atmosphere that is personalized while still being within the range of your own vision. Still very well done especially for your first one.

Thank you for the feedback. I go over and try to fix that.

Might as well upload this now, so you fans may have something to read.(Spoilers: one of the Main 6 is in this chapter.)

 

Night 2:

We walked along the hallway in complete silence. I looked around my home for the next while. The windows were boarded up, sometimes flashes of lightning lighting up the hallways. The wallpaper was peeling off, and in certain parts, just holes, oozing red glop.

The mare stopped in front of a door, and I almost ran into her. We had stopped in front of a door marked with the number 205.

“Well, here we are.” The mare chirped.” I hope everything is to your pleasing.”

I pulled open the door, hearing the hinges squeak. I didn’t know what I expect, but it wasn’t this. There was only a bed, table and a cabinet. There was a framed picture of a dog over the bed. Also there was a window, but it was locked tightly shut.

As I walked more into the room, I noticed a stain on the floor. Upon closer inspection, I found it to be blood.

I felt sick to my stomach and turned to my hostess for an answer.

“I see you found the left over from our last guest. I guess you can say it was an axe-cident.” She chuckled darkly. I honestly didn't want to imagine that poor pony’s fate.

I walked over to the window wanting to reach out and open it when:

“I wouldn't do that if I were you. One guest did, and, well…” I quickly backed away. “Good choice.” I turned away, and faced the cabinet.” You might also want to keep that closed.”

I spun around, and saw my hostess standing behind the door” By the way, I’m Derpy. Ring if you need anything. And enjoy your stay.”

She closed the door with a soft click. I heard a soft mutter “For eternity.”

 

I was thinking of just getting some sleep, when I heard something. I trotted to the door, and pushed it open.

At first, it was faint, but as it grew louder, I could identify the noise as singing.

“Do you know, who ah am? They call me Honest Mare!”

That repeated again, until a form appeared out of the gloom. First to come was the light radiating off an orange and gray source. Then to follow was the body.

It was a light orange mare. She had a blond mane and tail, both in red pony tails. She had freckles and green eyes. She was suspended in the air by something attached to her Stetson.

She whizzed past, still singing the displeasing song. “Do you know, who ah am? They call me Honest Mare!” until she was swallowed whole once again by the darkness.

 

I turned back to my room, when I heard a suspicious noise from the cabinet. When I got close enough, the doors banged open by themselves. Inside was Derpy. “There’s one thing I still need to tell you. Here, curiosity can, and might, kill you. I recommend keeping your snout out of places it doesn't belong, unless you want to find it bloody.”

She jumped out of the cabinet, and went to the door. I saw, dislodged, in the back of her head, was a coat hanger.

“Good night!” she said, before shutting the door.