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Brick Wall

Stardust*

Entry posted by Stardust*

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There is only so much that one person can take. The pain that you must endure is something that cannot be measured. It is something only you can feel inside, only something that you are going to be the judge of. You can never be who you truly want to be because there is always someone in the way making it hard for you to break through. This is how walls are built. This is how distrust is made. This is how you feel so alone because you can never let the wall down to let others in. 

Once you start to chip away at the wall, it ends up collapsing on top of you. Crushing any hope that you had, and then comes the project to fix that broken piece of you again, but because you are all alone, it can take forever. You look down one side of your wall and you see holes in it from all over. You look down the other side, it is almost mirrored. All of those gaps are when you felt vulnerable and you were wanting someone to just be able to see who you are, and each and every time it shattered into a million pieces. And each and every time you are left to try and pick up the pieces. 

By the time you have mended all of the holes you think you are safe. You think that things are going to be okay, you have to pretend. You have to put on that mask each and every day to just make it back to your fortresses. You make sure that others see that everything is fine on the outside so that they don't start trying to chip away at your wall. So you don't have to be back in that same position all over again. 

Alone you reinforce that wall with mortar crafted from tears. You harden the bricks with the sadness you feel. 

Eventually you finally run out of tears, the amount of pain you feel just floods over you and you just wish desperately you could cry and let it out. You wish you could just let it all out so you could just feel better, even by a little bit. It's at this point that you have successfully become something that you never thought possible. 

You have become that person behind that mask. You are the thing that people see, that fake smile, that forced laugh, that conversation that you had a million times that you have it memorized from start to end. The same one every time, and it's so surprising that people can't even tell because you know they don't even care, they are doing it for the same reason, just to hurry up and move on. 

Not a single person to go to because they all "know" you are fine. How can someone who is so happy and put together be sad? How can they have issues, they are so helpful and always in a good mood. 

Little do they know that every second of every day they are screaming at you to notice that they are not okay. To notice that they are experiencing such pain that they don't know how to express it. There is so much that needs to be said but because there is never that conversation, everything stays hidden. 

Living that Facebook Life that you post about. Losing faith in humanity because everyone is so busy with their own lives and how they can step on the little guy faster just to make their way up, that they can't even see what is in their face. 

Some may be asking why can't you just open up and admit it. Because of the beginning, when you had let someone in, to try and have someone understand what was happening. To try and be honest about how things are going. About being vulnerable. Then realizing that said person was only doing it out of pity. They never really cared. 

Why would you want to continue to try and open up to people that you think you can trust only to be pushed aside like yesterdays take out. 

How can you even begin to trust again, especially when your deepest feelings and emotions get made fun of? How can you move forward and just say "Oh, it was just so and so, the next person will be different" 

When you have no one to confide in because you have pushed so many people away.... You begin to question every motive of every person. You look for every bad quality so you can break the ties much quicker than they can be bonded. 

Because your anxiety thrives on making someone out to get you when all they are trying to do is get to know you. But when they stop talking to you for a while you start to think that you have done something wrong. The cycles repeats, hope, suspicion, distance, loss, questioning, confusion, pain, hope, suspicion, distance, loss, questioning, confusion, pain. 

Maybe one day it will stop. Maybe one day there will be that person, that perfect soul that can see through the mask, that can pull back the curtain without tearing down the wall completely, but slowly chip away and continue until it is in ruins, and still be there even when the shattered shell of a human being is left there trembling. Afraid to come into the sun, afraid to move past the rubble of the four walls. One day that person will have enough strength to carry you into the light, and to be with you each step of the way building back up who you are. Finding all of those lost pieces, rediscovering who you were and who you are meant to be. 

Until then, those four walls are as close as you come to comfort. 

 

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Lunar Echo

Story of my life Kitsune, story of my life, and an on-going problem for myself, but a completely understandable problem. I think the key to opening up to someone to feeling comfortable with someone else is to find someone who you know is reliable for you. For example, a loving caring partner, a long trusted friend or a family member who can listen well, find someone close and trustful. It's not something I think people just snap out of, it's also probably created from your environment, what you experience day-to-day, the people you surround yourself with etc.

Edited by Lunar Echo
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Stardust*

Sad thing is, I'm so hardened that I don't even want my husband to know anything about me. I don't even open up to him. Because I fear all of the above. I just feel lost right now, and I guess I have to work through that and try to just find my way on my own. I agree with you about it being the environment. That has been a key factor for the last few years. But it is really hard when I have no control over that quite yet because of cost of living. Hopefully soon though I will have that part figured out. 

*Hugs*

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Magic Note

I just feel like I'm in a similar situation. I'm just so out-of-touch with friends and everything in the world sometimes, and fearing every mistake I make is going to be the end of me. It's just over the years I've become a panic-stricken worrywart because of anxiety issues.

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Kiri

I often find myself in the exact same situation. I tend to keep my problems to myself, which gives people the false impression that I have everything together and that everything is always fine. Truth is, it's just pretty hard for me to trust people. I make an effort to move on from betrayals and lost friendships, though it takes me a long time to do so, and I will never forget those situations. Getting me to admit that I did feel a lot of pain when the friendship didn't work out, though, is like pulling teeth. I like to stay quiet about it. It takes me forever and a day to fully connect with someone, which is why I like to keep my friend group on the smaller side. 

For some, opening up comes naturally, but for others, it is a natural instinct to shield one's vulnerabilities for fear of being exploited or labeled as "weak", even if there is no reason to assume that the other person would treat you that way. I find myself to be a bit hypocritical as I encourage people to talk about their problems, yet have a hard time doing so myself. It is easy for me to give advice, but often hard to live by it. :P 

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...when they stop talking to you for a while you start to think that you have done something wrong. 

You are not alone in that! My mind will sometimes jump to extreme conclusions that aren't always even supported by any tangible evidence. I have even gone as far as to move on to protect my heart because I assumed that they also did as well.

Being a sensitive person can help you to be more in tune with the thoughts and feelings of others, but it also comes at a price because we tend to internalize and analyze more than we should.  

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Stardust*

And you just have that part of you that is just screaming out everything in your head. Wishing that the other person can just magically know what you are trying to say. 

It's a daily struggle for so many, I just wish it was not looked down upon. 

The important part is having those who you can trust. I know that trust is the hardest thing to achieve, I am just hoping that one day I can find that friend who I can connect with on that deeper level and not have to worry about it very much. 

*hugs*

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Kiri

Pretty much! When someone does get you like that, you just want to bake them a cake and hug them all day. :P

This is very true, and I am sure you will. There's a special connect-y friend for everyone out there! I also hope to share that bond with more in the future as well.

When I'm upset, I love to be around animals. They connect with ya in ways people can't sometimes. :) 

*hugs back*

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Snow

Snow 8,464

Posted (edited)

I have so much to say about this I don't know where I should begin, I'm a little short on time so this will have to do for now.

I don't have a clue what problems you face that make you feel this way, but if trust is an issue than let me leave you with this.
Aren't relationships suppose to be built on trust? I have never been in a relationship but I am under the impression you are suppose to be able to trust your husband and he is suppose to be able to trust you right?
I don't know him, but I think it would hurt if a friend let alone a partner trusted me so little they would not tell me if there is a problem effecting them badly, that would make me feel bad because I want to help people, If I am ever fortunate enough to have a partner you better believe I'd be willing to help them, no matter the problem.

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Why would you want to continue to try and open up to people that you think you can trust only to be pushed aside like yesterdays take out. 

If that is really what you think of your husband.. may I ask why you chose to marry him?

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Not a single person to go to because they all "know" you are fine. How can someone who is so happy and put together be sad? How can they have issues, they are so helpful and always in a good mood. 

Little do they know that every second of every day they are screaming at you to notice that they are not okay. To notice that they are experiencing such pain that they don't know how to express it. There is so much that needs to be said but because there is never that conversation, everything stays hidden. 

 


My real name is Louis, I'm 17, My favourite colour is purple and my favourite band is Sabaton, that is just some basic stuff, I could go on and on.

It is unlikely that a personal conversation between the two of us is going to happen, I feel that under no normal circumstance will you ask me any of those questions, so I choose to make that "conversation" happen, I am screaming something in my head right now in fact, but you will never know what it is or was.

Or will you? for this example it is that my birthday is the 18th of June, 5 days away, you know I have a birthday, but up until now you never once thought about such a fact did you? the same can be said for everybody and when others are feeling down or hurt.
I'm confident you would have never known the date and would have never shown any interest and could not have cared, how could you? you didn't know. but now that you do know, you might even throw in a "happy birthday" when it is time and that would make my day.

If you honestly did not know and never said "happy birthday" would it be a nice thing to do if I accused you of not caring? I don't really think it is.
Now that I have told you, in 5 days If I don't hear from you I will know for a fact that you don't care. (only an example, I'm not pressuring you or anything)

If you want someone to know something and it seems unlikely that anyone will figure it out on their own, it becomes your responsibility to tell them, which, in this vent is exactly what you did, when I first saw you on the forums you mentioned that you were coming out of a hard time in your life, I thought this meant things were going well for you, I had no Idea you were being effected so badly by something still, but it is not us, the good willed strangers, but people like your friends, family and especially your husband I recommend that you be speaking with.

Edited by Snow
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Stardust*

I agree with a lot of what you said. Yes, it is my responsibility to speak up and let others know what is going on, especially those closest to me. I understand that, that's the thing when it comes to having anxiety. Even those who you are close with, those who you should be able to trust the most, those who you know are going to be with you forever are the ones that you don't want to hurt. Those are the people that you want to protect and shelter from your pain, because you don't want to have them feel what you are feeling. 

Yes, there are many trust issues that I experience, and having trust issues with my husband is one of them. But we are trying to work past them, and other issues that we are having by going to counseling. It is a long process to heal and try to open up when your entire body is begging you not to let any of it out. 

I don't really know how to explain it, but when trying to deal with the worry, stress, anxiety that some people have to deal with every day, it is very challenging. We want to open up, more than anything. But we worry about either hurting them, pushing them away, or saying something wrong. Granted, I understand that none of the feelings that I am feeling are going to do any of that, but my mind plays tricks on me. It is telling me that if I open my mouth that something different is going to come out. 

It is easier to express my feelings through writing, and maybe one day I will be able to print these out and actually show my husband, or other family members. Let them read it because it is a lot easier than trying to say it out lout. 

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Snow

It is a flaw of my own, but it has its merits, I am a man of action, If there is a problem I am in favour of dealing with it as quickly and as thoroughly as possible so that it will not negativity effect myself nor anybody else for any longer than necessary and most importantly will not reoccur, this is why you will rarely see me go for an approach that has you forget about the problem, some problems you cannot tackle head on, but do not mistake them for being unbeatable, there are ways around them if you look for them.

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It is easier to express my feelings through writing, and maybe one day I will be able to print these out and actually show my husband

My favourite question to things like this is, why not make that day today?
Ask yourself that, what would make any not just day, but moment, what would make any moment in the future a better to do this? how long will it take until that moment comes? If you allow a problem to remain as it is it will only do more damage, so if it is easier, write it all, every word and detail, every question and concern, explain that this is the easiest way, if you have a printer, print it off and sit it on the table? if not, write it maybe? go to a library and print it? text him? leave an open MS word document on the computer if you have one and go out until you know for a fact your husband has come home and read it, plan a fun day out with a friend, go see puppies in a pet store or something, anything, It will be a bit of a nail biting time, I know, I have been there before, but to start that conversation, that is the first step from there you will grow more comfortable and build trust, communication, understanding, teamwork, they are all important things and this is the best way to make it happen.
So if you truly want it to happen, there is no better time than the present.

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Stardust*

I agree, I could take action today, tonight, right this minute. But my fear is so strong that it is overpowering. You have to understand that there are days that I have to fight my own body to just get out of the house. I have to push through going to chuck-e-cheese for my kids because I am just moments away most of the time form a full on anxiety attack. And it would be a lot easier to tell him these things if my irrational fear wouldn't play games with my mind. Making me think that if I tell him this that he is going to just make fun of me. That if I tell him how I truly feel what is it to say that he won't just up and leave? 

My relationship with my husband has been the longest thing that I have had my entire life. Every day is another day that I have to tell myself that he is not going to leave. He is here to stay, that it is okay to love him, that it is okay to trust him, that it is okay to grow attached to him. All my life I have lived it behind a mask, because it is easier to let things and people go. I don't grow attached, so it won't hurt when they leave. Once I let that wall down, or take off that mask I am truly opening up, I am growing attached, I am putting my whole self in front of that person. And in the past when I have done that, that was when I was hurt the most. It is a safety mechanism that I have to fight every day. 

No, this doesn't excuse the fact that I should still be open with my lived ones, that I should fight it and find a way past it so I don't have to be in this amount of pain anymore. 

I don't expect people to understand what I am going through, because they have no idea. I don't expect them to know that I want them to stay with me because I am too afraid that when I do ask them that they will leave. I don't blame anyone for not staying, because I have not asked. I don't think it is fair to expect that out of anyone because I haven't taken the first steps. 

But I do know that I have a problem. I do know that I can work to fix the problem. I know that one day I will have enough strength to tell him, to tell someone. 

This pain isn't constant, it's not always debilitating, but it is there, and it will remain there until I do fix it. 

It is so hard to be part of a relationship when each day you think is this the day? When you are almost expecting it to happen and when it doesn't you are in shock. 

It shouldn't be that way, it should be the opposite. I get that, and one day I pray that it will be the opposite. 

But yeah... idk really any other way to explain it. 

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