Tiaaaaa

Of course not! The Almighty Celestia has no need for disguises! Nope, no need at all. Definitely not.

Oh do you now? And can you prove that? In a court of Equestrian law? How can you be certain? Are you sure it wasn't, say, Molestia? After all she was the one antagonizing you earlier wasn't she? How can we be sure it wasn't YOU? That's right! I'm on to your game! You set your own house on fire with the power of my magnificent sun! And then you tried to frame me because you found out I ate you cake! How dare you pervert my wonderful gift you traitor! To the dungeon with him! ...Seriously, where are my guards? BECAUSE I JUST AM, OKAY?! Why's everyone always hounding me?! 'Hey, Celestia, if you're really so all-powerful then how did Chrysalis beat you?', 'Hey Celestia, you're so beautiful I'm sure you just chose not to marry because after all there are tons of stallions after you, right? Right?', 'Hey, Celestia, you sent Luna to the moon because you were secretly worried since she's the prettier sister, right?' I'M JUST THAT AWESOME, OKAY? I JUST AM! You ponies just won't leave me alone! ...Oh, that was a compliment wasn't it. Well, thank you. I'll keep you off my list. To the... gala? ...With you? No one's ever asked me befo... I mean of course they have! Because I'm the princess and I'm beautiful and perfect! I have tons of ponies just lining to ask me to the gala! Mares and Stallions! Totally! Because I'm the princess! So I'm totally not sure because I have lots of ponies to choose from! Totally!

Of course not! I'm perfect in every way. Absolutely nothing for me to regret seeing as I'm just that flipping amazing and beautiful and radiant. You see, it's difficult to regret anything when you're never wrong.

Yes! Do that! Quickly! Before you find out!

...He's not buying it! Quickly! Dispose of the evidence! ONOMNOMNOMNOM! Of course I do, Big Sexy. But I love it when EVERYPONY calls me Big Sexy. I'm afraid you're not special there. Except Lil' Pip. Little traitor creeps me right the tartarus out. Oh yeah, she likes to sound all dramatic, but ya wanna know the real story? Ever heard of a Pangalactic Gargleblaster? Let's just say that after that the comments of 'go screw yourself princess' start to sound less like insults and more like ideas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Run, run, fast as you can, can't catch me I'm the gingerbread pony. Let me tell you how this story ends. With a motel room, two aspirin and regret. Lots and lots of regret.

Oh-ho-ho, is that so? Hmmm... Oh, Molestia, dear... whatever relation you are to me, contrary to my previous comments I have completely turned my opinion of you around and becoming one with you would, in fact, be quite bearable! I even have a present for you to show my good intentions! It's not a trap in any way so you mine as well go ahead and accept it and then turn your back to it immediately upon reception. It... um... looks prettier that way.

Defence? Huh... I never even considered that. I just liked laughing when ponies went missing and turned up again 50 or 60 years older. HIL-arious. Bonus points if they had no friends or family to miss them. Oh, you mean against Dr. Whooves! Yes, I do suppose they do a good job of keeping her distracted.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! Why is this such a problem around here? Alright, another new law! All bathrooms in the palace will be clearly marked as such. Oh! And we can mark them based on what gender they're for too! That should cut down on the issue of people walking into the wrong bathrooms all the time you all keep suing me about. Two birds with one stone. Ah I'm such a genius. Oh, that's an easy one! Because you're my subject, of course. You're just that freakin' awesome. Just like everyone else. Oh no you don't! I already tried that once! I was itching in places a pony should not itch for months afterwards and I'm pretty sure some of the things we did were probably illegal in the griffon empire. And the dragon lands. And Zebrafrica. And... Well, just about everywhere, actually. ...Then again, it was kinda fun. No they don't. They'll never know! No one will ever know! No one must ever know! I'll take my life before letting you find out! ...Actually nevermind. Why kill myself when I can just kill everyone else? They always were. Really, why did you think I had them installed in the first place?

Slendermane... Slendermane... Why does that sound so familiar? I'm sure I've heard it somewhere but I just can't seem to remember. Oh well. Must not have been important. You! What are you doing out of your cage?! What's she doing out of her cage? I thought we had rules here, ponies!

Now that's more of an attitude befitting one of my subjects! Okay, let her go about her business. She's obviously seen the error of her ways. In fact, now that you've turned your attitude around, and seeing as you have a monocle, I happen to find myself out an adviser. Perhaps you'd fare better in such a position? ...I'm tempted to turn my order back around now just to see the look on your face but I remember the last time we had to clean pony blood off the palace floor. The place smelled like cotton candy for weeks! Okay, new order! No more executions in the royal throne room. I'm not entirely sure who thought that was a good idea in the first place.

Well, you see... Hold up here! I may have to institute a new one question per pony law. Hmm, new rule, everyone. Everypony is only allowed to ask one question. Ever. In their entire life. I imagine this will make learning in school more difficult, but that's alright because if you had to ask questions in school then you obviously didn't want to learn anyway. Don't question your princess's logic! It is flawless! And this decree is NOT hasty or reactionary. When you come to realize how much more difficult your lives have become take solace in the fact that your princess is no longer annoyed at one single circumstance that happened long, long ago. ...On second thought, scratch that. That's a stupid idea. Wasn't I supposed to be doing something? Oh, right. My parents. You see, like most dictators beloved rulers I was born from the union of the sun and moon. It was a torrid affair, let me tell you. The other celestial bodies were furious. Now I know what you're thinking. "But, oh great and beautiful Celestia, didn't you write in your autobiography that you created the sun and your sister created the moon and stars (with a great deal of help from you of course)." And, yes, yes I did. You are completely and totally correct. It may seem strange to you that what brought me into being are the very things I created with my own powerful magic but that's because you are, understandably, not as beautiful or wise as your benevolent princess. I don't expect mere mortal ponies to understand but perhaps it is some consolation for you to know that it's more proof that Celestia is eternal and Celestia is always. ALWAYS. Also the sun's cutie mark is a banana and the moon's is three slices of cheese. Very few people know that. DISCORD! SHE SAID DISCORD! YOU ALL HEARD IT! Me-dammit didn't I pass a law saying nopony was ever to talk about Discord ever again under penalty of death? I'm pretty sure I did. What? I didn't? You sure? Well, new rule then! Take her to the dungeon! ... Guards! Dungeon! ... They'll be here. Just, uh, stand where you are for a while. Yep. Don't, like, move or anything because you are totally doomed. Totally no point in trying to escape your fate. Yeah... BLASHPEMY! She's questioning her un-aging princess! To the dungeon with her! What do you mean I've already sentenced her to the dungeon? Death too, huh? Well double-dungeon her then! What do you mean you can't do that? It's simple! Take her to the dngeon, let her out and then dungeon her again! It is NOT a stupid idea. To the dungeon with you too! Hmph, Suppose I'll be needing a new advisor too, then.