Offering OC help!

[aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q 3,673]

I very much like this personality, and I very much like how you described it in full instead of just saying "he's an introvert", as a lot of people tend to do. I think this character is well made and well suited for the world of mlp, and I think he and I would get along quite well!

Some things worth including would be his likes and dislikes--what makes him mad, what makes him cringe, what makes him laugh. Stuff like that will really help flesh him out. Then you could go ahead and submit him to EQE, I think!

But yeah, what you've got so far is really good. Keep exploring this character and keep figuring out more about him! You are 100% on he right track, IMHO.

Thank you! ^^

 

Well, likes and dislikes... We'll have to see. As I continue on that fan fic he's in, he does get fleshed out more. Since he's already being written in a fan fic, he'll get more development as things go ahead. 

 

I think I'll hold out on submitting him in EQE until I have him figured out. 

 

Would you mind me placing another OC for you to review? He's about as "complete" as Snow Perch is.

[AmberDust 1,118]

huh...okay, can ya review caliber? links in siggy.

I had just finished writing up his review when my battery died! Argh!

Well, time for take 2, I guess...

Ugh.

Anyways, here's your review. Remember, I'n reviewing OC under the assumption that they're meant to fit into the canon world of mlp fim. Otherwise, they aren't really mlp OCs at all.

 

 

Gonna go back to organizing these into proper sections...

Name: A nice name. I think it suits him as well as the context of mlp. However, I don't think "Caliber" means what you think it means.

Appearance: His appearance is okay, but a little typical with the black-grey-red colour scheme and spiked back hairdo. I think changing it up a bit would be a nice idea, if you're open to it.

Personality: I like his personality. Not including the goofiness, he reminded me of Roronoa Zolo, and his first encounter with Hawkeyes Mihawk. And that's awesome! Still, his personality should be expanded on in order to really flesh him out. Check out the advice I gave to others with regards to how to expand a character's personality. (I've repeated myself a lot on this thread...sorry)

Anyways, his personality seems pretty real, however, in the RP we're currently in, I think you may be letting his laid-back attitude and goofiness stretch to unrealistic lengths--especially near the beginning when he was talking to Celestia. Try not to caricaturize him, and you'll improve.

Backstory: You don't know how glad I am to see that he isn't some war hero or mercenary or something. I think you handled his backstory well, by which I mean you actually managed to fit a sword-fighting character comfortably into the realm of mlp canon.

Regardless, his backstory still needs to be expanded upon, as there are a few holes. For example, where did he grow up? Why was he so dissastisfied with everyday life? Why did he want to be a sword fighter? (What inspired him?) When his house burned down, how could he sense it? And what happened to the rest of his family? How old was he when this happened? Answering these will help make his backstory fuller and more believable, I think.

Also, I think his cutie mark story could be adjusted a bit...I feel like it would make more sense if he got his mark after he proved himself as an adventurer/survivalist, not before. Oh, also, I think his power level is very good. Strong, but not OP. Overall, you handled this backstory quite well! You just need to keep going.

One thing I'm curious about is what he does for a living...

Other: All good to know. Nice little details that give more insight on his personality. His aura ability is cool, but I think it'd be best if you made it a spell he learnt and has to activate rather than a sort of ingrained ability that's always on. It just seems better for the context that way.

I would nix the part about dark magic, if I were you. My reasoning for this is that it is far too advanced for a pony who doesn't specialize in magic. Even if he did make some sort of "deal with the devil", I would keep that power exclusive to the RP in which it happened. Otherwise, it's just a little too far-fetched...not to mention OP.

Overall I like your character! He's likable and believable, but his appearance doesn't suit him. My suggestions (tl;dr version) would be to...

1) Redesign him or recolour him to make his look fit his personality. As of right now, he resembles a typical villain, which he certainly is not!

2) remove the bit about black magic--it doesn't fit the setting and it overpowers him, even with the time limit.

3) Expand on his personality and backstory to flesh him out some more! You're on the right track.

4) change his aura ability into a spell. Again, just for the sake of fitting the context.

 

 

I hope I was helpful!

Thank you! ^^

 

Well, likes and dislikes... We'll have to see. As I continue on that fan fic he's in, he does get fleshed out more. Since he's already being written in a fan fic, he'll get more development as things go ahead.

 

I think I'll hold out on submitting him in EQE until I have him figured out.

 

Would you mind me placing another OC for you to review? He's about as "complete" as Snow Perch is.

Go right ahead!

 

By the way, I would prefer if you sent me this OC in the form of a link to their profile in the character database. :3 It'd be more convenient for you too, I think.

Edited May 4, 2015 by AmberDust

[aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q 3,673]

 

 

Go right ahead! By the way, I would prefer if you sent me this OC in the form of a link to their profile in the character database. :3 It'd be more convenient for you too, I think.

Problem is, out of the only two OCs that I do have a profile for, both need reworking and one of them has already had something of a transformation. At least I do have a blog for the draft of this reworked OC. Erythema has to be the most convoluted OC I have. I don't think anything short of a fan fic could explore her completely...

 

Appearance

 

Draft for her OC profile

 

Here is an attempt at fitting her into canon through reformation. She's one of those characters with a terrible past but that gets swept under the rug and only specific references are made if they are made relevant.

[The Pink One 595]

Would you mind critiquing this for me ... please : http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/storm-strike-r8219

She is my OC ... any critique is welcome.

[AmberDust 1,118]

so i have been told that my OC is OP and well it has a 'kinks' i need to work: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/red-son-r8066 but can you PM me plz for a review if your still open, i wouldnt want my OC public... yet

 

Thanks!

Alright, I'll shoot you a PM.

I'm glad to hear that you're actually taking action to improve after getting so e harsh criticism. Acknowledging the problem is step 1!

Oh! Great! Um, could we speak through PM?

Yes, thats what the original post says! Go ahead and send me one!

[Tao 7,756]

 

 

Have you got any ideas a all for a backstory? Because I can't come up with one for you. ^^'

That the basic of "wording it" always seems to kill me a bit.  I got a loose layout of the bone but adding in the meat just seems to

friz me out when I try

 

 

 

(I'm sorry the constant bickering drove you out of the RP, by the way. We've resolved everything, and it'd be nice of you came back.)

 

I would think of it but I DON't like god modding and I knew Swin is new at the GM thing but hopefully he learned a good lesson but I don't think Sallie also fit with the rp now when looking and over reading.

 

.

 

The idea of a mercenary in the world of MLP is COMPLETELY outside of canon, just so you know. That aside, lets see how you handled it...

 

Yah I know, but half the reason I did it just to expand in some places and I've seen it used but its nice to a oc just outside the norm

 

.

 

Are you having writers block?

 

Yes in the big way.....

[Powderpuff 390]

Hey there, may I request a critiqqque of my OC, Anura Boole? I hope it's alright that the link is off-site. http://www.ponytopia.net/profile/Anura You can disregard everything after the second image.

 

Her backstory deals with class issues a tiny bit. I'm not sure if that would affect how believable she is in a canon context, so that might be problematic. 

[Jeremiah 1,586]

thanks for the OC review can you review this one please: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/silver-sentinel-r8217

and PM like last time, also Thanks for the last review!

[LordSwinton 759]

Hey Amber, I could use some help with this new OC I'm developing.

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/wip-r8272

[AmberDust 1,118]

Problem is, out of the only two OCs that I do have a profile for, both need reworking and one of them has already had something of a transformation. At least I do have a blog for the draft of this reworked OC. Erythema has to be the most convoluted OC I have. I don't think anything short of a fan fic could explore her completely...

 

Appearance

 

Draft for her OC profile

 

Here is an attempt at fitting her into canon through reformation. She's one of those characters with a terrible past but that gets swept under the rug and only specific references are made if they are made relevant.

I'd best get back on track with these reviews.

Did you want an overall critique, or should I focus on a specific area?

[aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q 3,673]

I'd best get back on track with these reviews.

Did you want an overall critique, or should I focus on a specific area?

Hm, overall would be quite useful, actually.

[AmberDust 1,118]

Hm, overall would be quite useful, actually.

Alright, lets do this!

 

 

First of all, it's really nice to see a Donkey Oc. Lets see how you handled her!

Personality is nice, but you're going to need a pretty good explanation to back it up. She so far reminds me of Adora Belle Dearhart. Anyways, you say she's candid and uncaring but also has a way of directing the conversation wherever she needs it to go. So, does this mean she has a natural charisma? Or intimidation? How does she do this? Her personality could use a bit if detail when it comes to WHY she acts the way she does. What does she care about? What drives her? What makes her tick? That sort of thing will add some more flavour to this character. But I imagine a lot of the answers I seek will be revealed in the backstory. So far, so good!

Backstory. Can you shipwreck into a continent? Aah, whatever.

First and foremost: Just because not many ponies know what her life was like pre-equestria, doesn't mean you're excused from writing it. This past of hers is so crucial to her character, so you really need to let us know exaclty what went down if you want us to sympathize with this character and maintain the suspension of disbelief. Moving on.

So...she comes from some war-torn island near Equestria? And she was somehow seperated from her brother? These things don't really suit the world of MLP, and, again, you neglected to explain how hey happened. :/ Also, when she discovered peace, she had a violent breakdown. Psychologically speaking, that's not quite realistic. Soldiers normally suffer from a sort of depression known as post-traumatic stress disorder, which is rather the opposite of violent breakdowns, I believe. It's more like a silent anxiety. The nightmares and therapy are all well and good, but the violent breakdown seems out of place to me.

The bit about social status and masters seemed to come from nowhere, as you never really mentionned it before. I assume it has to do with that mystery war she fought in? ^^' But anyways, the rest about her trying to get used to life in Equestira feels good and realistic to me. I like how she's trying to repay Equestria by repurposing her skills and using them for something good. Very nice.

Looking back on her personality, a lot seems to have changed. It feels like I'm reading about two different characters, one who's candid and uncaring, and one who's scarred and emotional.

 

Overall review:

Your character is missing the most important part of her backstory, and that really takes away from her. We don't know what war she was fighting, against whom, for what reason, how she escaped, or anything. This is a crucial part of her backstory and personality that really needs to be there.

 

HOWEVER, this backstory of hers also hits another big problem--this is mlp fim we're talking about. This is not a world where ponies battles ponies with guns and weapons of mass destruction. This is not a world at war. I understand that this is the most important aspect of her character, but the fact is, her backstory is from an entirely seperate world. She has a good personality, a great name, a nice design, and a good life, but her past, however interesting, is just too detached from this setting. I don't think you'll be able to use her in any RPs any time soon, but she was intended for a fic, right?

Just make sure you cover all your bases. This war is definitely not something that can be swept under the carpet as a simple plot device. If you want people to believe that there's this war happening, you'll need a darn good explanation for it. ^^ And another darn good explanation for why we didn't know about it until now.

 

 

 

Hopefully I was helpful. Send me a PM if you need any more help.

Edited May 27, 2015 by AmberDust

[AmberDust 1,118]

Would you mind critiquing this for me ... please : http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/storm-strike-r8219

She is my OC ... any critique is welcome.

You're up! I hope my advice is helpful

 

 

 

Name: Nice name! I like it. However, it doesn't seem very related to this character's talent or personality.   It's a good name, but maybe it'd better suit somepony else?

 

Appearance: In black-and-white, she looks a little bit like Pinkie Pie. But whatever. Her personality isn't a carbon copy of Pinkie, so it doesn't matter if they look similar.   It's a nice design, and I'd love to see a coloured version.

 

Cutie mark: I haven't seen a cutie mark like this before! I like it. It'd be a good idea to write a little story of how exactly she earned her mark. Did she break a cinder block with her bare hooves? Did she defeat a strong opponent? Did it appear when she earned her black belt? And what martial art does she study? These are valuable facts that will help make your character a little more substantial.

 

Personality: Oh, this is a surprise.  An alcoholic pony? Although it's certainly a unique idea, I don't think it fits the context of MLP FIM at all, and it doesn't really suit her talent either. I like the rest of her personality though, but it could use some more content and elaboration.

 

Backstory: I like this backstory! It's not one I've seen before, and i think it's very nice. Again, though, you should add a little more detail to make her character more flavourful.

 

Overall, This character is a little all-over-the-place. ^^" I like her name, her talent, her backstory, and parts of her personality, but they seem independent from each other. If you could find a way to tie her backstory, personality, and talent together a bit more, it would add a lot to this character! After all, personality is usually a direct product of your past experiences. 

 

As for changes, I suggest you remove the bit about alcoholism. It doesn't really fit the context of mlp fim, and it doesn't fit her backstory either. Also, it might be a good idea to change her name to something a little more suitable to her character. Like "Black Belt", "Knockout", or something along those lines.  But that part is totally up to you.

 

 

 

Hey there, may I request a critiqqque of my OC, Anura Boole? I hope it's alright that the link is off-site. http://www.ponytopia.net/profile/Anura You can disregard everything after the second image.

 

Her backstory deals with class issues a tiny bit. I'm not sure if that would affect how believable she is in a canon context, so that might be problematic. 

 I'm gonna start by saying that i love your avatar. Hamtaro ftw.

*Ahem* 

Moving on...

 

 

 

Oi, pink text on black it hard to read. @_@'

 

Name: Interesting name. I like the story of how she decided to change it. Is there any context behind the word "Boole", though?

 

Design: What a cutie. It's not often I see a pony with this kind of mane/tail style, and I have to say, I really like it. Good choice of colour for the eyes, by the way. Very nice art. totally not biased

 

Occupation: Nice. Apprentices are always cool, in my opinion. What does her cutie mark mean though? It certainly doesn't have to do with carpentry.

 

Personality/interests: Aaah, there's the cutie mark bit. And it even ties in with her carpentry skills! Very good. her personality is well put-together, and feels very real. She reminds me of a friend of mine from Peru. ^^ 

Admittedly, this personality came as a bit of a surprise to me, because of the contrast with her rather serene appearance in the first drawing. Either way, good job!

 

Backstory: Cute! I like her cutie mark story--Even though usually, the frogs are already dead when the teacher brings them in for dissection. <_<" Bleagh... Even grosser than the cow eyeball I had to dissect...I can still smell the formaldehyde in my nightmares.

Anyways...

I like her origin and how she came from Poni Rico. Is there any reason you didn't want her growing up there, though? I think it would have been good for her character if she did, at least a little. It would add to her feelings of struggle and shyness over in Equestria.

 

Overall, I don't have much advice for you. ^^' But that's only because I really like this character! I think you handled her backstory really well, and it mixes well with her personality, too.

If you don't mind my asking, what did you make this character for? A fanfic? Roleplay?

 

 

 

Edited May 31, 2015 by AmberDust

[LordSwinton 759]

*Rub hand in glee* I'm getting closer

[The Pink One 595]

Thanks for the critique ... I'll make the changes when I get the time, thanks again.

[AmberDust 1,118]

*Rub hand in glee* I'm getting closer

 

 

Name: Need help coming up with one? I'm usually pretty good with pony names if I have a good grip on their personality and such.

Appearance: Pretty cute, but maybe the coat outline should be a little more of a yellow-grey? I dunno. I'm not really great with colour schemes. I just feel like this scheme lacks some balance.

Oh, he's a Shakespony actor, eh? Cool. When I imagine him in a bowtie, I realize his color scheme looks a lot like Prince Blueblood! Maybe that's why I didn't like it at first lol. I like his costumes.

Cutie Mark: I'm not terribly fond of double-meaning cutie marks, but I like the acting half of it. That soliloquy--was it Hamlet's? (I loved Hamlet. ) I like the cutie mark story, too, but remember that ponies get their cutie marks when they're still young, so keep that in mind regarding him making peace with his "struggles".

Personality: Ah, very Jeff Winger. I like this personality, although I'm not sure "one night stands" are terribly common in Equestrian culture.

Backstory: Hmm...theatre parents don't seem like the type to send their kid to boarding school. Kids who go to boarding school are usually sent there to get "frivolous" things like acting out of their systems, you know? Just seems a little contradictory, but I'm no expert by any means. ^^'

Anyways, I like the rest of his backstory! Very believable. However, at one point you say he hates amateur actors, but then in the very next paragraph you say that he doesn't judge actors based on skill. You might want to fix that, as its pretty contradictory.

Also, you'd figure an actor would WANT a "basic" colour scheme, seek gas it's more versatile for aging different characters.

 

Overall, I like this characters. There are a few bits in his personality/backstory that don't really fit into the world of MLP, but they aren't too major. I think he's pretty well-balanced regardless. Is there anything particular that you didn't like about him?

If you need help with a name, we could do some brainstorming via PM.

 

 

[Night Mist 151]

Did you ever get a chance to look at mine? I sent you a PM and never got a reply.

[AmberDust 1,118]

Did you ever get a chance to look at mine? I sent you a PM and never got a reply.

I don't remember that. Would you reply to that PM for me?

[Night Mist 151]

I don't remember that. Would you reply to that PM for me?

I just resent. I had sent the last one in April. 

[AmberDust 1,118]

I just resent. I had sent the last one in April. 

Alright, I got it.

 

 

Her appearance is really nice, although I'm not sure if its entirely possible.

Anyways....

Cutie Mark: I can't really judge it seeing as you had someone else design it for you. ^^' It makes enough sense, I'd say. It's a good idea to include the cutie mark story in this section. Her talent is very interesting. Reminds me of Rarity's topiary in "look before you sleep". 

Personality: I like her personality! You should build it up some more, as there's a lot of potential here. Consider things like her relationships and her view of the world. Ask yourself questions about her personality, and you'll eventually develop a lot of info!

"no one in the city ever goes to the surface"...oh dear. I sense a strange backstory...remember, I'm reviewing these characters under the assumption that they are meant to fit into canon!

Backstory: I like how you describe her family, but you'd figure she'd have a closer relationship with her twin.  

Aaah, there's the cutie mark story. I like it! I think you ought to include the story of how she met her best friend, too. All in all, good backstory! Could use some more detail, but you're 100% on the right track.

Other: Wow, that's a lot of "other". Let's get started...

Do I sense some inspiration from the city of Ember? (which I never read. oops)

Okay, I'm just gonna go out and say that I don't like Bat ponies. ^^' I don't think they were intended to be their own species the way Changelings and Breezies are--I'm pretty sure they're just the pony equivalent of Vampires and don't actually exist en masse. And again, I judge these OCs under the assumption that they are meant to fit into canon, and this whole thing about underground cities and Lucian ponies--although creative and interesting--just isn't canon. :/ I suggest you change this backstory if you ever get involved in RPs. It is probably good for fanfics, though.

 

Overall, she's a good OC. The whole "forbidden to go outside the city but we'll sneak out anyways" thing seems familiar, but that's okay. I suggest you change her backstory if you ever get involved in any RPs, but that's up to you. if I had to suggest anything else, it'd be building up her life's story.

 

 

Edited May 31, 2015 by AmberDust

[Night Mist 151]

Alright, I got it.

 

 

Her appearance is really nice, although I'm not sure if its entirely possible.

Anyways....

Cutie Mark: I can't really judge it seeing as you had someone else design it for you. ^^' It makes enough sense, I'd say. It's a good idea to include the cutie mark story in this section. Her talent is very interesting. Reminds me of Rarity's topiary in "look before you sleep". 

Personality: I like her personality! You should build it up some more, as there's a lot of potential here. Consider things like her relationships and her view of the world. Ask yourself questions about her personality, and you'll eventually develop a lot of info!

"no one in the city ever goes to the surface"...oh dear. I sense a strange backstory...remember, I'm reviewing these characters under the assumption that they are meant to fit into canon!

Backstory: I like how you describe her family, but you'd figure she'd have a closer relationship with her twin.  

Aaah, there's the cutie mark story. I like it! I think you ought to include the story of how she met her best friend, too. All in all, good backstory! Could use some more detail, but you're 100% on the right track.

Other: Wow, that's a lot of "other". Let's get started...

Do I sense some inspiration from the city of Ember? (which I never read. oops)

Okay, I'm just gonna go out and say that I don't like Bat ponies. ^^' I don't think they were intended to be their own species the way Changelings and Breezies are--I'm pretty sure they're just the pony equivalent of Vampires and don't actually exist en masse. And again, I judge these OCs under the assumption that they are meant to fit into canon, and this whole thing about underground cities and Lucian ponies--although creative and interesting--just isn't canon. :/ I suggest you change this backstory if you ever get involved in RPs. It is probably good for fanfics, though.

 

Overall, she's a good OC. The whole "forbidden to go outside the city but we'll sneak out anyways" thing seems familiar, but that's okay. I suggest you change her backstory if you ever get involved in any RPs, but that's up to you. if I had to suggest anything else, it'd be building up her life's story.

 

 

Alright thank you. It's a fan species so I was trying to find a way it could work in with the show or at least another universe close to the show's canon. We don't really know about the bat ponies as a species so I figured since its vague on them I could use that to tie in. Shortly after I came up with that it became part of the fan species. Anyway as for her species they're just an offshoot of the crystal ponies. They became sensitive to harsh light, yet still need some mild light to survive. That's why they don't go out of the city and the cave has gems that create soft light. Also on the city of ember, I've never read it so I wouldn't know if it was similar or not. ^_^" But anyway I'll be sure to rework her information and expand on a few things. 

[Jackie Snack 1,498]

Hi! Mind helping me out? I just finished this one and need some general criticism, see if anything sounds a bit weird. I'm not looking in terms of content seeming 'out of place' in the MLP universe, but more along the lines of needing to clarify some things or write certain spots a bit better. 

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/honey-clove-aka-layers-r8349

 

EDIT: I'm still waiting on art for her, so sorry. : P Nevermind, got art.

 

Also, I don't mind you posting it here. Thank you for your time, if you end up having it! <3

Edited June 5, 2015 by x0jackie0x

[AmberDust 1,118]

Hi! Mind helping me out? I just finished this one and need some general criticism, see if anything sounds a bit weird. I'm not looking in terms of content seeming 'out of place' in the MLP universe, but more along the lines of needing to clarify some things or write certain spots a bit better. 

 

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/honey-clove-aka-layers-r8349

 

EDIT: I'm still waiting on art for her, so sorry. : P Nevermind, got art.

 

Also, I don't mind you posting it here. Thank you for your time, if you end up having it! <3

 

Sorry for the delay--I unsurprisingly got wrapped up in other things. ^^'

You wanted me to just tell you about clarity and other formatting/narrative issues? :/ Or do you want me to critique the actual character?

Aaah, I'll do both. May as well.

 

 

Name: "Honey Clove" is cute, but "Layers" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. I see what you were going for, but I think you could change it for the better.

Appearance: A cute design! Not overstated at all. In fact, it might be just a little too grey for my tastes, but I think that's just because of the drawing style used in this one picture. She also looks quite a bit older than she is. Either way, good design!

"Due to her working with garlic, Honey tends to have the smell stuck to her wherever she goes." I think garlic only gives off a smell after you cook it in one way or another. Just remember that.

Cutie mark: I like it. Although my Italian background might have some influence on that. It's a fine talent that makes sense to me.

Personality: Okay, okay...here's a formatting tip for you, since that's what you asked for mainly. You described her as "being a tenacious mixture of direct and blunt," but those are really the same thing. The bit about her "latching" on to a pony should be explained a little bit more. Mainly: Why does she do it? 

Otherwise, I think you're all good in this department.

Backstory: The bit about her name sounds good to me, but its not really a backstory at all. It doesn't give any insight at all into her childhood or anything like that, which is pretty important. Even a line that says "She had a pretty standard childhood for a middle-class pony" would be good, but don't leave it completely blank. 

Other: Dislikes garlic?? Ouch. ^^' No wonder she's grouchy. Also, "Almost impossible to discourage" could probably be reworded as "stubborn".

 

Overall: Is there anything you were having trouble with? To me, this OC seems fine, but her backstory could use some more developing.

 

 

[Jackie Snack 1,498]

@@AmberDust, 

 

First off, I'd like to say thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule for doing this. <3 It can be hard to get a proper critique of a OC, let alone a fanfiction. I'm tempted to have you take a look at my main OC, Jackie, but that's a bit of an undertaking for someone who doesn't have a lot of time. Then again, I've had her for three years, and I've rewritten her profile as many times as it's been critiqued. : P

 

I'll follow along with each point.

 

 

Name: The name 'Layers' was to be seen as a last ditch effort (for Honey Clove, not me) for a nickname because she hated her real one and was therefore meant to be weird/strange. xD

Appearance: As for her colors, that were a bit more saturated than shown here, but it's not too bad. I'll have that changed in future pics. Due to her sleeping/eating habits, she tends to looks tired, which ages her a bit. Shame on that pony. xD As for the smell, I looked some info about it and what I found was that even cutting or peeling a clove, much like an onion, can result in a very pungent odor. But she does cook them, as well as make seasoning from it.

Cutie Mark: I'll be honest, I not only made this her talent because I liked garlic, but because I haven't seen anyone else with it. <w <

Personality: Not gonna argue with you here. I write well, but after the fifth revision. xD I've always lack an editor or critical eye and have been forced to do my own, which I space about a week apart, for a total of five weeks. I saw this thread and practically squee'd.

Backstory: As for this, I should shame myself. I'm usually much better about the backstory than anything else and this somehow slipped my grasp.
Other: Ah, good point. Shame on me. x'D

 

Overall: Nah, that was pretty much it. I needed someone else to look over it, someone's who's mind could spot mistakes that my mind tends to glance over.

 

 

 

Once again, thank you very much. > w < I might bother you again in the future, but if I do, feel free to show me the door. <3

Edited June 11, 2015 by x0jackie0x

[Nyan Neon 50]

So... umm... are you still helping? If so, i'd like you to take a look at my OC. I want her to feel like she could fit in the show, but i'm not sure if her personality and backstory are good enough 

She's a work in progress, so i'm willing to change some things. Also, you can comment on her appearance if you want to 

Take your time, I don't mind waiting  :grin2:

https://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/garnet-ruby-r8561