Story for the Gods ready or not?

[Expired delta 76]

Soooooooo I'm finished with part 1 of the story here it is if you like the story like the topic if you feel somthing is wrong misspelled or anything please tell

 

 

A STORY FOR THE GOD

 

special thanks to http://fighteramy.deviantart.com/ for the art work

 

CHAPET 1    lost memory's 

 

(father)My son you must run (tom) i will not leave you (Father)son you must run there is no time to discuss this.(Tom) I cannot leave you father!!! As tom woke in a daze no one is there (tom) dad? Daddd? (next door nabber) HEY SHUT UP YOU HUMAN!!!!! This was the only memory Tom had before he had woken on this planet of ponies. He was kidnaped by the princes her self she said he would be god among men.It was noon out an Tom had promised he would help silver shield with gourd duty sadly today was guard exams each an every gourd had to take the test except Tom.

 

Chapter 2 the exams

As Tom walked on the field he saw all the ponies lined up getting ready for exams.They where all strong colts. As soon as silver shield walk forward to call the first pony a scream came out from the fields it was a pony in the  library as all the guards grabbed their equipment a began  running for the bookshop Tom was already running as Tom ran he remembered the princes gave him powers he jumped in the air a sprouted his wings out long an began to fly to the shop.

 

CHAPTER 3 twilights nightmare 

As Tom broke thought the trees window he Immediately noticed books flying everywhere 

(Twilight) oh dear oh no duck!!!! A book hit Tom straight in his face an knocked him straight out luckily twilights powers stopped due to a book dropping on her head as well they both lied next to each other. As twilight moved her horn touched toms head an a wall in his mind was broken

 

Chapter 4 memories oh sweet memories

(Rose) Tom what are you doing? (Tom) Ohhh hi rose I was just admiring your beautiful flowers they remind me of the castles Gordon. (Rose) yes iv been meaning to drop these off bye the castle could you bring them there Tom? (Tom) ohh uhhh sure  no problem.

As tom began flying away one of the roses poked his finger as he wint to suck on his finger memories flashed before his eyes O_O

 

Chapter 5 THE memories of fire

 

 Fire...... Fire an dead men an women as far as the eye can see they where scattered across the villages. soldiers that seemed to walk on four legs an had skull faces with dark suits of armer on them. The Village soldiers did not stand  a chance each an ever solider had a leader. Five forces surrounded the castle where the king an queen where being protected bye the royal commander an his soldiers.(tom the great) HOLD THE LINE NO ONE PASSES ALL DIE GIVE THEM NO MERCY!!!!! As the soldiers drew closer an closer the men readied there arms an weapons. A yell called out saying Tom tomm tomm wake up...

 

 

Chapter 6 subject 10000005

(twilling) tommm hey wake up ohhhhhh I hope he's alright she said in a warred tone.

As the soldiers walked in they saw Tom knocked out one cult stumbled to his feet after being hit with a astronomy book. As tom regained Consciousness the cults asked him are you alight?(silver shield) yes Tom are you alright said silver as he stumbled over a book.(Tom) yes I'm fine but I had a terrible nightmare. NIGHTMEAR?!?! What wasit about silver shield yelled (Tom) it was about villages of fire an dead family's of ppl I feel I knew. Oh. You silly boy it was a dream could you clean up here he said the the cults.  (Soldiers) YES SIR!! Good il see you all in 0100 hours back at the castle.

 

Cheaper 6 the end is near my lady

Mrs celestia we have a terrible problem(princess) yes I know, you you do???silver sheald sputtered (princess) yes subject 105 is recovering his memories as a royals soldier an his powers follow if he recovers all of his powers  We will have no choice but to kill him. But princess he's one of our finest soldiers an the strongest we can't stop that madness if it goes rogue. It will be taken care of also release subject 1 2 an 13 they have the abilities to keep our little friend in check. Yes princess celestia it will be done.

 

 

Chapter 7 I see the truth 

 

Why do they hate me I must kill them before they kill me no I won't kill them WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!! Tom screamed in his mine im going to go chill at the club il see you cults later at the castle (soldiers) YES SIR!!!

(twilight ummm Tom (Tom) yes twilight? (twilight) can I come with you Tom oh not on a date or anything but umm just to hang out but not in a romantic way or anything ohhhhh my. twilight blushes heavenly when Tom began kiss her but she didint pull away she loved it  brought a sex craving hunger side  out of  her an she loved an craved it.twilight was suddenly in love with tom an began back trotting to the couch WHEN SUDDENLY A DOOR SMASH AN A YELLLLLL TWILIGHT!!!!!!!! FROM THE PRINCESS was heard an scared the too white!!!!!

 

Chapter 8 AHHHHHHHHH CRAP!!!!!

 

(Tom) PRINCESS  ITS  NOT  WHAT  IT SEEMS!!!! (twilight) ya its exactly what it seams Tom looked at twilight in shock!!!!!!! We love each other very much tons eyes shot around the room like a man about to die. That's not why I came here the princess said.............. O_O there eyes opened as if they had told there darkest secret ever an said what? The princess replied with yes I came here to check an see if ever thing was alright an it is is il be going an Tom (Tom) yayayes princess??? (princess) be gentile she's a rookie twilights eyes opened so wide you would swear they would pop out an she left with the door closing behind her.

 

 

Chapter 9 Love 

Tom? twilight said as tom turned to answer her he was greater with a juicy kiss an a shove on the couch. When they where done twilight was soaked with perspiration an had passed out from such great sex Tom on the other hand was tired as well but was a god-soldier he had pleasured ppl for the princess an king before all women but twilight felt true like he was ment for himmm...... DONGGGGGGGG DONNNNNNGGGGGGGGG OH MAN I PROMISED id meat silver shield in the castle at 0100 hours  as Tom started flying there twilight was just waking up an she felt great. TO BE CONTIUED.....

[Prince Lightning Da Cute 619]

First of all, your syntax may be off, grammar too. Syntax and grammar are just as important to the story as the story itself. I can't tell who said what, and who's talking either.

 

Prince Lightning looked into twilights eyes in shock " where's Pinkie?!" he said with a scared look on his face, Twilight only looked down and away "Why aren't you telling me?!" he said with an incontrolled tone as he began to lose the very composure that had made him famous.

 

That right there is how you should organize your story, in my example you can easily tell who's talking, who's doing and what's going on.

 

I hope that helped if you need more advice on it ask either me or Veece for assistance. Farewell my friend, I'd also loved to know who this Tom is too...

[Expired delta 76]

Ya I was looking into doing that but it seemed not that important but I goes I was wrong

[Prince Lightning Da Cute 619]

Ya I was looking into doing that but it seemed not that important but I goes I was wrong

 

I've re-read it. It seems way better now I see why the Princess checked on Tom! Nice job my friend!

[Aureity 3,055]

Erm...not to be rude or anything, but your chapters are all a paragraph long. I think you should expand upon each of your chapters, flesh them out, give them detail.

[Expired delta 76]

Maybe but I don't like chapters that ramble on about one thing for hours Id rather save that time for the end of the story that I'm making