Hope fails... ((Part 1))

[XxPegasisterxX 105]

Part 1

 

Rainbow Dash, tears in her eyes, looked up at the graveyard gates. They loomed high, intimidating. Rainbow Dash looked away in despair, and continued to go through the garden of remembrance. It was sunset, and the last day of Fall. Rainbow Dash looked around, and saw names on graves of so many ponies she knew, grew up with, ponies she loved. Thunderlane, Cloudchaser, Derpy Hooves, Amethyst Star.... She closed her eyes tight and, with reluctance, continued.

Right in the centre of the cemetery were five shiny, marble graves. Rainbow Dash choked back a cry, and sat down in the middle of the ring. Each grave had the ponies element on top.

'So many memories...' Rainbow Dash whispered.

 

'Pinkie... No... No,' Applejack murmured, the grey flicker of despondency in her eyes. The monitors constant beep became more and more urgent. Doctors were everywhere, masks and tubes were flying, shouts and screams, but Rainbow Dash knew there was no point. It was over. She embraced the rest of her friends in a hug, and the warm feeling of fresh tears touched her skin.

'Twilight...' Rainbow Dash smiled, 'You know Pinkie wouldn't want us to despair. She would want us to celebrate her life and how awesome she was!'. Dashie tried to sound convincing, but her voice ended with a squeak. Everypony tried to smile, but they all new that these were forced smiles borne of nothing but respect of Pinkies life.

 

Rarity screamed. The scream echoed around the silent town, and nothing but the sigh of a breeze replied. The clouds blocked out the sun, and it was raining. Rarity continued to wail, and the others bowed their heads and wept. Fluttershy lay on the brick path, her body mangled like an old forgotten rag doll, tossed and mistreated over the years.

'How did this happen?' Rarity said quietly.

'Fluttershy - well, she was taking her morning fly, and I warned her not to go. A storm was brewing,' Twilight whispered, 'but she said she needed to stay fit if she wanted to-' She could say no more.

'And she got struck by lightning.' Rainbow Dash ended shortly, and sniffled.

'If I was there...' Rarity shouted, 'I could have cushioned her fall... I could have warned her... I could have saved her!'. The sound of thunder echoed around Ponyville, and it seemed for a moment as if the world shivered.

 

'Buckin' apples, a'll have y'all know...' Applebloom, now a young mare, wailed, 'buckin' apples and she somehow hurt her neck. She was in the deepest depths of the orchard, where the apples were ripe and a' juicy and ready for buckin'. For hours we didn't find her, and by the time we got there she was beyond help.' Applebloom began to cry.

'Like a mother to me she was, even though she was my sister...'

'Eeyup...' Big Mac murmured.

'No...' Dashie cried, 'why?! Why is this happening?!' She yelled, and crying, ran out of the door. Into the orchards she ran, until something got caught in her hooves. Applejacks hat.

 

I hope you enjoyed Part 1! Give me some feedback, tell me if you want Part 2!

[MysticShine 529]

Constructive Criticism Warning.

 

First off, let's start with your grammar. The thing that stands out to me the most is the use of ' when you are writing dialogue. When writing dialogue, use " instead of '. You only use ' when a character is thinking. Another thing you need to do is indent your paragraphs. That being said, I don't see many spelling mistakes, so you're good in that regard.

 

One of your two main problems here are pacing and being descriptive. These two come hand in hand, so I'll be able to hit them in one go. Take time to show instead of tell. Instead of saying what the character is doing or how they are feeling, tell us how they did it and why they are feeling that way. Your length is a bit short, but I'll let it pass, as it is posted on a forums rather than a traditional writing site.

 

Next, let's go over the plot itself. The scene changes are a bit confusing. I'd use something to separate each event rather than having them come on every new paragraph. After one of the Mane 6 dies, you could go back to Rainbow Dash, and show what she's feeling after calling up that memory.

 

I really don't know what this story is about yet, but I know it's meant to be sad. Make sure that you handle the Mane 6's deaths in a meaningful way. To me Fluttershy's seemed a bit odd, and actually made me chuckle (I'm a sick person I know). For a sad story, nothing is really jerking my tears so to speak. Once again, this could be solved by being more descriptive.

 

Overall, I think you have a passible (if not clichéd) story idea that could work well with a little of improvement.

 

I hope that my advice could be of assistance to you.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Mountaineer28

[gman7112 60]

that was a great story so far, I love sadfics, and this was good can't wait for more.

[~Flash Brush~ 313]

It was so sad. Even in the beginning it was sad, everything was sad! Give me a tissue!!!!!!! Besides that I loved it. Keep up the good work and make more please!

[MalcolmTheBrony 58]

This was awesome! I can't wait for part 2

[twilightfan28 52]

Please tell me there will be a part 2