request Need a review of Star Shine

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

 

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Personality

 

Star Shine can be polite, but often sarcastic in her remarks. When not with friends, she studies in magic; often having spells backfire on her sometimes. But persistence pays off in the long run as she learns new spells and tries to tries to master them. Having a variety of magic spells, Star Shine uses them to outsmart her enemies. She will often refuse to accept when she is wrong and keep going regardless of her friend's warnings. She loves hanging out with her friends and often finds herself getting caught in one of their planned ambushes to make her admit she wasn't any more fun than Candy Star is, but all fun aside, she takes her studies seriously.

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Backstory

 

Born in Fillydelphia, Star Shine is a unicorn mare. Her mother was the one who taught her magic and how to effectively use it. As a filly, Star Shine had difficulty controlling her magic and would often have accidents. But at school, Star Shine is teased by two bullies for her lack of control, this gets her upset, and after a few weeks of this bullying, the teacher puts an end to the bullying and puts Star Shine in private classes. But outside of them, the bullies would continue to torment her. Star Shine finally snaps and uses dark magic against the bullies, casting dark magic at them; scaring them to death. They never bother her again after that, avoiding her at every turn. The teacher notices the incident and has her parents come to the school to talk about it.

 

Aurora Shine isn't too happy to hear this, and neither is the father. At home they scold her harshly, telling her that even if they were bullying her, she could have told somepony about it. She given a week to think about her own actions, but holds animosity towards those two bullies; promising to get them back when she learned control. Sensing this hostility, Aurora offers up some advice: "Star Shine, nothing good comes out of revenge, its best if you turn what they said about you into something good. That way you can feel good about yourself." 

 

These words stay with Star Shine even after she moves to Ponyville, but some thing's cannot be forgiven so easily. She becomes cold and bitter to those around her and even stays inside the entire day. But while out practicing her magic, an earth pony mare named Candy Star tries to make friends with her; a big mistake. Star Shine has no interest in making friends anymore, all she wants is to be left alone. But being nosy as she is, Candy Star keeps pressing her, trying to get Star Shine to lighten up; but this plan backfires and Star Shine yells at her to leave and says she doesn't want to see her again.

 

Candy Star runs off crying, but Star Shine knows what she did wasn't who she is; but holds off on apologizing to Candy Star. She eventually comes around and finds Candy Star crying behind her own shop, Star Shine tries to, but candy Star doesn't want to hear it, walking away from her. Star Shine keeps trying and eventually admits her actions were not intentional and she was sincere in her apologies. This makes Candy Star happy, its all she wanted to see was Star Shine's true nature. Now both are best friends and never seem grow apart Along the way, Star Shine makes new friends and has never been happier.

 

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I've had to rewrite a lot of it, since most of it never made sense. I try my hardest to flesh out my OC's. But i'm not at the level yet to really make them outstanding, so be as thorough as you wish, i won't hold it against you.

Edited February 23, 2015 by Candy Star

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,354]

As OCs go, this is pretty good.

 

-her possessing dark magic should probablybe addressed in some way (extra control training, sealing it away, something among these lines), since it's not exactly an ordinary thing

-what's her talent/cutiemark story?

-give her some hobbies, likes/dislikes, something she's not good at

 

The overall text also needs cleanup. An OC's description should be as objective and snappy as possible; elaborating is what short stories are for.

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

As OCs go, this is pretty good.

 

-her possessing dark magic should probablybe addressed in some way (extra control training, sealing it away, something among these lines), since it's not exactly an ordinary thing

-what's her talent/cutiemark story?

-give her some hobbies, likes/dislikes, something she's not good at

 

The overall text also needs cleanup. An OC's description should be as objective and snappy as possible; elaborating is what short stories are for.

I have a hard time figuring those out, but i will try to do my best at it. Thanks for your feedback on this.