Fanfic Problems- Criticsm Needed

[Dust and Memories 557]

I am not one to complain, nor am I one to become inordinately annoyed at people. However, I've waited a long period for people to drop off some actual constructive criticsm on my fanfic- or criticsm at all- but so far, that day has not come.

 

Thus, I source my reviews from you, good people of MLPForums. If you have time, please read my fiction, located at this address: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/264797/to-kill-a-alicorn, and tell me what you think of it. Anything is welcome, insofar as it is not yet another wordless downvote or a rant on how I'm a crappy writer.

 

PS: Yes, it is edgy. In the next few chapters, I will fix that... temporarily. At the end, it will be very edgy until the last chapter.

[LordSwinton 759]

Well seeing the first comment, I don't think they were being mean, I mean I didn't see it as offensive as the title made me laugh a bit too.

 

Punctuation is wrong in a few places, just go check it through

 

Atmosphere building is great. Pacing is a bit slow.

 

I'd say try to redo your paragraphs, some are too short and break the flow but some are too long and feel like a drag.

[P-Jay 1,987]

ill give it a 6/10. 

 

i left my constructive criticism on the page. 

 

hope its a success! 

[Sarcasmo 150]

I don't think I can say this without sounding harsh, but there's already an error in the title. Correctly, it would have to be "How to Kill AN Alicorn". I would think that alone is very offputting to a lot of potential readers.

[Dust and Memories 557]

Fixed. Damn, how did I miss that?

 

Thanks, everyone.

 

@Swinton: Thank you, especially; now I know what I need to fix.

 

@Everyone: The next one or two chapters should be up in the next week or two. 

[Troubleshoes Clyde 107]

It's ok. It's a bit long winded and rambling. It's also hard to read with them huge hunks of paragraphs. Try and vary the lengths of paragraphs and sentences a bit more. It was a good story after that but the chapters are a bit short for the style of storytelling if you ask me.