critique wanted How is my OC?

[Rainbow Diamonds 282]

I want the critique to be for the character and not the design for the most part. If there's something about the design that's bad, then go ahead and say that, too. I'm just afraid that my OC may be Mary Sue. 

 

 

Name: Carta
Nicknames: None

Gender: Mare
Age: Adult
Species: Unicorn
Height: Average
Weight: Average

Hometown: Trottingham
Current Residence: None (She doesn't stay in the same place for long)

Occupation: Cartographer/explorer

Mane Color/Style/Length: brown, curved at the end, long

Coat Description: light brown

Eye Shape/Color: Feminine(?) and green

Accessories: A tan saddle bag and a yellow pencil behind her ear (Not included in the drawing)

Allegiance: She prefers Luna, but she loves all the Princesses. She has no allegiance

Cutie Mark: A map

Special Talent: Cartography

Family: Her mother runs a business selling tools, and her father is an architect. She has no siblings. 

Friends: She had a few friends growing up, members of Conquest Club, a club where foals played a game where they tried to overtake each other's nations. After she grew up, she started to explore unknown regions to create maps (at least unknown to her), so she never had time for friends. She refused to make friends because she was going to have to leave them soon anyways. 

Personality: Introverted, Observant, feminine, adventurous, excellent spacial skills, brave, has great attention to detail, great sense of distance.

Flaws: A loner, overly confident, rushes into things too quickly, expects too much, refuses help, judgmental of others, lacks humility

[Character History]
Carta was born in Trottingham to a business pony and an architect. Her mother sent her to a babysitter until she was ten. Ever since she was ten, she was home alone for most of the day. She took that opportunity after school to explore Trottingham. She wrote everything she found with the diary she always carried with her. She showed her discoveries to her teacher who was impressed with her attention to detail. Her teacher gave her a challenge, to create a map of Trottingham. Instead of taking the easy way out and looking at an actual map, she went all over the city and mapped out everything. She created a map with streets, land marks, and government buildings. With her sense of distance, she was able to know how far she was going and scaled it down so she could create a map. She showed her teacher who was impressed. At that moment, a map appeared on each side of her flank. After that, she decided to join Conquest Club. Conquest Club had mostly colts, but there were a few fillies. They spent an hour each day playing a game called "Conquest." Everyone was split into teams. Carta wasn't that great, but she had fun. She made friends with a lot of the members and looked forward to going to Conquest Club every day. After she finished school, she started her journey to explore the world. She took a train to the far west regions of Equestria and sailed to a faraway land. A map has never been created for the land, so she decided to create the first. She explored the area and created her map as she did. She often found herself in places that were inhabited by others, and she got herself captured multiple times (For trespassing). She escaped, often by being set free but occasionally by finding a fault in the cage, and left that land to find another. She also often thought she created the first map when she wasn't. That was the case most of the time. 

[Current Home]
Carta is in a faraway land exploring it. She recently got more food and a new diary. The paper which she creates her maps on are running low, so she will need to get more paper soon. She doesn't have a home and sleeps in trees, on a bed of leaves, or anyplace that she finds. Occasionally, she is able to stay in a motel. She gets her money by others giving her some money or her selling rare items she found. She uses most of her money for food and new supplies. Despite her occupation, she is feminine and loves to look good. She carries a comb with her and uses if frequently. 

[Powers List]
Basic Unicorn Powers, compass magic, ability to measure with her horn (Which allows for more accurate maps than her sense of distance.) 

[Ashen Pathfinder 16,161]

@@Rainbow Diamonds

 

As you are looking for OC critique I moved this to the OC section of Creative Resources and added the appropriate tag.

 

Thanks.

[Dracu98 139]

I like the design itself, but it doesn't fit with the characters story. she is a traveler, someone who lives in the wild, but she looks like she could easily win a beauty-contest. a more scruffy look would fit her better, I think.

 

as for the story itself: I like it, but it lacks some details. for example, where did she learn to survive in the wild? she grew up in the city and lived with her parents, it seems unbelievable that she'd know how to survive in unknown territories without any training. also, I don't quite understand what that "Conquest"-game is about. maybe I'm just blind, but I don't see how it helps the story. maybe you can explain it to me? I am also wondering why she creates her maps herself instead of doing it as a professional for money. but I guess that's an aspect of her character I just don't understand yet.

 

but overall, I really like the idea and the story of your OC, but in my opinion, it lacks some details.

[El Duderino 879]

I  agree with Dracu98. She doesn't look like an explorer, and you should add a little more detail to her backstory. Maybe go a little into detail on why she has some of the personality traits she does, or give some examples in her backstory of times her flaws affected her. Everything else is good. The only thing I could think of is maybe explain why she has some of her personality traits, but you don't need to. Her backstory does this a little, but not too much. 

 

Overall, I would say she's good. She can be improved, but she's still good if you don't add anything. Not a Mary Sue, but also nothing really pops out to me to make her unique.

[Grepper 3,192]

I won't do an in depth analysis, but I'll say she's a pretty average mare. I don't think she's a Mary Sue.

[That Guy with the CMB 5,873]

I'm not so great at critiquing such things, but I think she's fantastic. And hopefully without stirring up debate, I don't think that she has to look scruffy or tough like others say. Leave her as is if you want.

[MDLineArt 93]

New to the Forums and MLP, but what drew me in was the creativity of the community so I figured 'I can be creative on a rare occasion!'.  So take what I am about to say with a huge grain of salt.

 

1) Flaws:  When you started listing flaws, what I was seeing was a rundown of many of the flaws that are prevelant in the show.  Flaws are what make a character, because those are the personal pieces that they struggle with, but after looking at the back story for Carta, I don't see those flaws.  Consider the problem with moving around alot, Carta never set roots, so long-term friends are not something she can build.  Maybe that can be a reason for her failings of being a loner, so why not bring that into the backstory, show what this lifestyle has cost her.

I think there is an example of this in being Overconfident, as it seems she keeps getting kidnapped and imprisoned but escapes each time.  Maybe this experience builds the need to find challenge, even when none exist.

2)  What baring would the friends she left behind bring to her now?  Is she quick to forget, or does she have a keep-sake of their days of youth?  Does all this moving around leave her with any regrets?

3) For what I do understand of the character, Carta may wish to keep her mane in a pony-tail style, or keep it short (More practical when exploring wilderness).  I would love to see a rendering of her in full gear, after all, the accessories really tell us as much of the character as the cutiemark.

I think Carta has a lot of potential to unlock, and I look forward to seeing her develop.  Remember, the background should be an example of their personality, not a separate statement of character quirks (While it is great to have them highlighted as reference!).  Find the depth in exploring a concept and build from what you find in it!

[Starlet Harmony 128]

I think your bio is spot on! Great job on that! the only suggestion that I would make, from a cannon artist point of view, is add a bigger splash of color to her! You see VERY few brown ponies in the show... most of the colors are pastels and vibrant colors! Maybe make her eyes more of an electric green or pastel green and maybe add a little splash of color to her cute mark and I think she would be PERFECT! Ooh! Don't forget that you could add some sort of accessory as well... like a bow, or maybe a pair of wire glass would fit her personality well. That would also add some color that could tie into her cutie mark!