EQUESIRIAN BLADES (need comments to help improve story)

[Knight of Blades 1]

not finished but here is what i have

note i do go by BloodBlader on many other sites.

EQUESIRIAN BLADES

By: BloodBlader aka blades knight

Prologue



In the beginning there were the three God Alicorns Ryoku, Galaxia, and Cosmos. The three alicorns had control of the three elements Wisdom, Courage, and Power. With the elements they created the world and all things on it, Cosmos created the Pegasi, Galaxia created the Unicorns, and then together they made the earth ponies. Ryoku went about making creatures like Dragons, manticores, and many other dark creatures. After some time Galaxia and Cosmos fell in love, the made Ryoku angry, for he too had fallen for Galaxia. It was not long after that Galaxia gave birth to three new Alicorns, two fillies and a brave little colt. They named the fillies Celestia and Luna, and then they named the little colt Ken Kishi.

A few years passed and Ken was given the three Elements of the Beginning, Celestia was given control of the sun, and Luna was given the moon. A few years had gone by when a young Pegasus fell in love with Celestia, the young colt made a wish aloud one night
Chapter One: A Forgotten Blade




It was a dark stormy night in Ponyville, as Twilight Sparkle was getting ready for bed; Spike was down stairs getting a drink. “Finish up Spike, get to bed, we have a lot to do tomorrow.” Twilight called out. “I’ll be up in a minute.” Spike called back as he filled a glass with water. Twilight had jest nodded off when there came a knock at the door. Spike set down his glass and walked over to the door, “What pony would be up at this hour?” Spike muttered to himself. He opened the door, standing there was a figure in a black cloak. “Um, can I help you?” Spike asked. “Yes, is twilight still up?” the strange pony asked. “Sorry, she just went to bed.” Spike answered. “Oh well, can’t be helped. So mind if I come in out of this rain?” the strange pony asked. “Ok, but keep it down, if Twilight finds out I let somepony in at this time of the night, she’d …” Spike said ending in a large yawn. “Thanks, now Spike, you should get to bed, you have a big day tomorrow” said the strange pony coming inside and sending Spike off to bed. After Spike was upstairs the strange pony went to a bookshelf and pulled out a large book on myths and legends. He sat down and opened the book and looked thru it the whole night.

Twilight awoke the next morning to the sound of rustling downstairs. She got up and looked at Spike’s bed to see he was not there. “That must be Spike trying to make breakfast.” She said stretching. Once downstairs she found Spike sitting at the table waiting. “Spike, I thought you were making breakfast?” Twilight said walking up to the table. Just then three plates of pancakes magically floated out of the kitchen, one plate had pancakes with small gems in it. “Well, good morning sleepyhead.” A voice from the kitchen said. Spike quickly started stuffing his face, Twilight sat down confused. “If I remember correctly you like yours like this.” The voice said as a butter knife magically put a small bit of butter in-between the pancakes, then the syrup bottle poured out a small amount of syrup on the pancakes. “Um, who are you..?” Twilight asked. “I’ll tell you after breakfast.” Said the voice. A white unicorn with blue eyes, and a blonde mane and tail walked out and sat at the table. Twilight sat down but kept an eye on the unknown pony sitting across from her. When the unknown pony and Spike finished their plats the stallion magically took their plates to the kitchen, and then patiently waited for twilight to finish, who was now enjoying her pancakes. When she finished the plate magically floated away, “now I have two questions, one who are you, and two, who taught you how to make those pancakes?” Twilight asked, “Well, no one taught me that recipe, it is my own creation, and that should answer both questions” the stallion answered. “But, that would mean…. BLADES!” Twilight said. “Ah, oh!” Blades said as he ducked down just in time, for a book hit the wall right were his head was seconds ago. Blades jumped from his chair and ran in to the main library wing, all the while dogging flying books. After a few minutes of dogging the books stopped, Blades looked at twilight then up, right above him was a boat load of books floating magically. “oh, bugger” Blades said as the books fell on him.

Blades poked his head out from under the books just in time to see twilight ran to her room, spike ran after. Blades got up and started repairing and reshelving the books. After he put the last book away, something blue burst through the door and tackled him to the ground. “Where is Twilight, Tell me what you did to her, before I pound you.” Said the rainbow manned blue mare that was now had him pinned to the floor. “Settle down sally, let him explain himself” said another mare’s voice. “Rainbow, please get off him” came Twilight’s voice as she come down stairs a few stray tears running down her face. Rainbow hopped off, “So, I take it you have calmed down.” Blades said getting up. “Shut up, I’m still mad at you” Twilight said throwing another book, hitting him square in the head, just then Rarity and Fluttershy poked their heads in “Twilight, are you ok dear, I heard a loud racket coming from here earlier so I went and grabbed Fluttershy… and who is your handsome company” Rarity said walking in.

Blades got up and brushed some dirt off himself “it seems we’re only missing one pony from the look of things.” He said “What are talking about, and also why are you here even?” Twilight asked. “Well, Princess Celestia sent me, she was looking for somepony to send here for as a bodyguard, and when I heard you were here I volunteered myself.” He said. “Who are you supposed to be guarding, sugar cube?” said Apple Jack. “Well not sure if it is you girls, or not, but I was told to protect the element users.” he said. “Well, look no farther, we are the wielders of the Elements of Harmony!” Rainbow Dash said in her normal cocky way. “HELLO TWILIGHT, OHHHH, DO I SMELL PANCAKES?” Said Pinkie Pie bouncing in and heading right in to the kitchen, moments later she came bouncing back in with a plate of pancakes and a bottle of syrup on her back, she sat down with the others when she finally noticed Blades.

Pinkie Pie let out a gasp and went to run out the door but Applejack had a hoof on her tail. Edited July 26, 2012 by Knight of Blades

[Fire Bolt 0]

Hmm i like this story so far. My only concern for it would be what happens next. Good luck out there!

[Knight of Blades 1]

well it will go for a bit till

a new enemy comes forward and is the cause of most of the troubles that have happened in equestria's history. The mane6 try to use the elements against him but with one wing he sends there attack back at them, in turn destroying the elements.

updated 7/2/12

Edited July 3, 2012 by Knight of Blades

[WingMcCallister 367]

Howdy, I think you should start by honing in some of the grammatical things happening in this section of your work. There are some definite editing points - typos, for example - that can be made. Particularly the punctuation around quotation marks needs a little touching up. Personally, I think the hook can be embellished a little bit more. You have essentially made a creation story for fans to enjoy, but it doesn't capture that mythological flair in its current form. I want to get the sense that Morgan Freeman is narrating the opening here, if you catch my drift.

 

I definitely encourage you to press forward. There's a story brewing in your mind, so I am looking forward to reading more.

 

~Wing

[Knight of Blades 1]

as i work i will fix it, and as for the prologue i meant it mostly to fill in some blanks in the story, as well the story is going to get better soon.

 

here is a quick look where its going

note this bit is in first person and will be twicked later

 

 

Like the ponies below the sky was crying, for all things wept that day, that accursed day, a very special pony was taken from us. I tried my best not to show how sad I really was, but I know no matter how I felt, Twilight and Luna have it far worse. “Why, why, if I was stronger… it should have been me.” I said to myself trough my tears.

 

updated

im working on the story and character reactions

still would like to hear everyones ideas on my work