critique wanted Nightmare Shiny's First Story

[Shiny Silvermoon 3,716]

For those who had the luck or the bad luck to spend a day or two in the middle of the wood, in an house, a cabin or else, you probably became aware of how vast a forest can be. Miles and miles of unexplored lands that could hide anything. In this first story, a family learned that the wood can hide more than we expect...

In 2005, Eric Martin had been working at a paper mill for 20 years, when he misfortunately became too disabled to continue at his job because of an accident. His wife, Shelley Martin, had to find a job since he wasn't able to work anymore. She ended up finding a job in her hometown, called Palmyra, which was located in Maine, in the USA. It was an extremely small community. The couple then decided to move to Palmyra with their 17 years old daughter, Chelsea.

For a cheap price, Eric and Shelley bought a farm house with a barn on a big beautiful property that was many and many acres wide. However, it was a very isolated property and the only way to get there was by taking a rudimentary driveway. The property itself was completely surrounded by a very dense forest that seemed endless. There was nobody living there but the family. It was the perfect scene for an horror movie, except that it was the real life and that the horrific experience they are going to go through is going to be real...

During a warm spring day of 2006, Chelsea and her boyfriend, Nathan, decided to go for a walk in the forest, just in front of their house. The two dogs of the family were also there. After being unleashed, the dogs ran to some sort of mound-shaped den with a big circular hole which was big enough to shelter at least one man. From the appearance of the den, Nathan and Chelsea could tell that it was made on purpose by someone or something. But who would build this? Is it a hunter? Is it an animal? It seems pretty big to be made by an animal! When Nathan looked inside the hole, he didn't see anything because it was too dark but he clearly heard growlings coming from inside the den. They both agreed that it was better to leave so it's what they did.

After living there for a year, Eric and Shelley developped the habit of relaxing on the front porch before going to sleep. Every night, they were scanning their property with flashlights, looking for animals while comfortably seated on their porch.

One night, Eric and Shelley was having a good time on the porch when they noticed something really odd. They couldn't hear the normal noises of the wildlife. The wood was actually a few hundred meters away from them and they couldn't hear a single cricket. Shelley scanned the entire yard with her flashlight but didn't see anything so she turn it off. However, inexplicably, Eric felt like they were in danger so he tried to convince his wife to go inside but she protested until they heard something. She then took her flashlight again and, in the middle of the yard, they saw five large wolf-like creatures staring at them. Eric was an experienced hunter but he never saw anything like this before. Those wolf-like creatures were about eight feet tall and standing on their back legs.

All of a sudden, the creatures charged directly at them very fast so the couple rushed into the house and locked every doors and every windows. Eric had guns but they were in the barn so he couldn't get them without going outside but Shelley didn't want him to leave the house. Shelley then got into her daughter's bedroom, upstairs, and woke her up. She told Chelsea to look outside by opening the window a little and when she did, she saw the five creatures in the yard, waiting for them to come out. The family was obviously the prey of the creatures. Chelsea, like the rest of her family, was terrified so she closed the window and locked it. Even the two dogs were startled as they were hiding in the corner of the master bedroom.

Eric then took a decision to protect his family, he got outside of the house and instead of walking all the way to the barn, he headed toward his car. He wanted to drive away with his family but when he arrived to the car the motion sensor lights activated themselves. Alerted by the lights, the creatures began to chase him. Somehow, Eric managed to reach the house before the wolf-like beasts. They then started to run all around the house and onto the porch. The family gone quiet for a while until they heard the creatures walk back to the middle of the yard.

The next thing that the family did was calling the police. However, the police didn't take them seriously and hung up the phone. Nobody was going to come for them. 

At this point, the only thing they could do was to barricade themselves in the house, using heavy furniture to block the windows and the doors. They also got kitchen knives and an axe before going upstairs to lock themselves inside the master bedroom with their dogs. After that, they heard the creatures get back from the yard and start running all around the house and pace on the porch again. They were also bumping into the house, scratching the doors, communicating with each others via howlings and they even jumped onto the second roof to pace on it. Those creatures were trying to break into the house and each passing minute was a turmoil for the family which dragged on for the rest of the night.

With the arrival of the sun, the creatures gave up and ran back into the forest. After about an hour of not hearing anything, the family finally got out of the house and saw the damages caused to it, the fur all over the place and the huge clawed footprints.

After this night, the family sold the house and left the place for good which concludes the story of the Palmyra wolf pack...

Congratulation! You made it through the first story! Feel free to discuss about your opinion on what those creatures were! Were they wolves? Were they bears? Were they... something else?

[Evil Pink One 13,506]

Do not worry the derp legion is on the case!

[ChrysalisM 290]

This reminds me of a cost to coast episode on dogmen that I listened to, and some stuff I've read on the Ape Canyon incident.

[Evil Pink One 13,506]

41 minutes ago, Shiny Silvermoon said:

Congratulation! You made it through the first story! Feel free to discuss about your opinion on what those creatures were! Were they wolves? Were they bears? Were they... something else?

A very wild and agressive real estate agent

[Shiny Silvermoon 3,716]

2 minutes ago, Props Valroa said:

They were Dogmen. 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michigan_Dogman

I agree so much! In my opinion, the werewolves seen in the Middle Age were also Dogmen! 

Edited October 28, 2023 by Shiny Silvermoon

[Iforgotmybrain 5,530]

2 hours ago, Shiny Silvermoon said:

She then took her flashlight again and, in the middle of the yard, they saw five large wolf-like creatures staring at them. Eric was an experienced hunter but he never saw anything like this before. Those wolf-like creatures were about eight feet tall and standing on their back legs.

The next thing that the family did was calling the police. However, the police didn't take them seriously and hung up the phone. Nobody was going to come for them. 

I think they should’ve called for Geralt or another Witcher to deal with them instead of the cops 

Sounds like werewolves to me, maybe they could hire some vampires (or the witchers) and have them fight it out like in that documentary called Twilight  (not to be confused with Twilight Sparkle of course).

Edited October 28, 2023 by Iforgotmybrain
made myself sound less stupider

[Evil Pink One 13,506]

There once was a taxi driver doing his night shift. He was at a dark and scary night on the province he was stationed. As he searches roams the road the fog begins to thicken and a lady in white would wave to grab his attention.

The people around there believed on a folklore of a white lady who grabs a ride to the cemetery, which brings the driver to a grim demise.

The taxi driver does not believe in such nonsense and would stop beside her and invited her to ride.

" good evening ma'am. Where too?" He asked.

" I'd like you to drop me off at the Cemetery just across the forest."

The driver at that time pay no mind and thought it was just another day at work. that is, until they reach the part of the forest.

The fog continued to thicken and the driver began to worry.

Suddenly, something dashed infront of the vehicle. Luckily he was driving slowly.

He was able to hit the brakes.

He looked at the back mirror to check on his passenger.

" miss! Are you Oka-!"

There was no one there.

He was soon distracted by a noise outside, which made him hit the throttle to get out of the forest.

The man was in panic. he checked his mirrors. In case something was following him he checked his left mirror. Nothing.

Right mirror. Nothing.

But the center mirror is what shocked him.

The white lady. 

But closer he inspect, the scarier she becomes.

Her eyes have no black on her eye and blood started to drip from her head.

The driver, shocked and afraid hits the breaks once more.

He looked at tye back mirror once more and the white lady was no where to be seen.

The man did not wait and started to hit the throttle once more, but this time the driver was driving like a mad man out of the forest. And as he checks his mirror the white lady appears again more bloody than ever.

The driver notices that whenever he hits the brakes the lady vanishes. And once he tried to run she shows up again.

He soon sees the pattern and completely stopped the vehicle.

And the lady was gone.

He was heavily panting and was whipping his forehead  thinking he got away from the lady.

But a bloodied hand would grab his shoulder.

As he looked back he was face to face with the pale white lady.

The man has gone pale and scared. He cannot move. He can only stare and be helpless at the grasp of the lady.

Her mouth slowly opens.

" you don't need to drop me off the cemetery. Please drop me off the hospital instead."

3 minutes ago, StrawberryMilk Simp said:

There once was a taxi driver doing his night shift. He was at a dark and scary night on the province he was stationed. As he searches roams the road the fog begins to thicken and a lady in white would wave to grab his attention.

The people around there believed on a folklore of a white lady who grabs a ride to the cemetery, which brings the driver to a grim demise.

The taxi driver does not believe in such nonsense and would stop beside her and invited her to ride.

" good evening ma'am. Where too?" He asked.

" I'd like you to drop me off at the Cemetery just across the forest."

The driver at that time pay no mind and thought it was just another day at work. that is, until they reach the part of the forest.

The fog continued to thicken and the driver began to worry.

Suddenly, something dashed infront of the vehicle. Luckily he was driving slowly.

He was able to hit the brakes.

He looked at the back mirror to check on his passenger.

" miss! Are you Oka-!"

There was no one there.

He was soon distracted by a noise outside, which made him hit the throttle to get out of the forest.

The man was in panic. he checked his mirrors. In case something was following him he checked his left mirror. Nothing.

Right mirror. Nothing.

But the center mirror is what shocked him.

The white lady. 

But closer he inspect, the scarier she becomes.

Her eyes have no black on her eye and blood started to drip from her head.

The driver, shocked and afraid hits the breaks once more.

He looked at tye back mirror once more and the white lady was no where to be seen.

The man did not wait and started to hit the throttle once more, but this time the driver was driving like a mad man out of the forest. And as he checks his mirror the white lady appears again more bloody than ever.

The driver notices that whenever he hits the brakes the lady vanishes. And once he tried to run she shows up again.

He soon sees the pattern and completely stopped the vehicle.

And the lady was gone.

He was heavily panting and was whipping his forehead  thinking he got away from the lady.

But a bloodied hand would grab his shoulder.

As he looked back he was face to face with the pale white lady.

The man has gone pale and scared. He cannot move. He can only stare and be helpless at the grasp of the lady.

Her mouth slowly opens.

" you don't need to drop me off the cemetery. Please drop me off the hospital instead."

Oh crap.... I thought the event required us to give out stories... My bad

[StarHeart333 1,764]

1 hour ago, Shiny Silvermoon said:

For those who had the luck or the bad luck to spend a day or two in the middle of the wood, in an house, a cabin or else, you probably became aware of how vast a forest can be. Miles and miles of unexplored lands that could hide anything. In this first story, a family learned that the wood can hide more than we expect...

In 2005, Eric Martin had been working at a paper mill for 20 years, when he misfortunately became too disabled to continue at his job because of an accident. His wife, Shelley Martin, had to find a job since he wasn't able to work anymore. She ended up finding a job in her hometown, called Palmyra, which was located in Maine, in the USA. It was an extremely small community. The couple then decided to move to Palmyra with their 17 years old daughter, Chelsea.

For a cheap price, Eric and Shelley bought a farm house with a barn on a big beautiful property that was many and many acres wide. However, it was a very isolated property and the only way to get there was by taking a rudimentary driveway. The property itself was completely surrounded by a very dense forest that seemed endless. There was nobody living there but the family. It was the perfect scene for an horror movie, except that it was the real life and that the horrific experience they are going to go through is going to be real...

During a warm spring day of 2006, Chelsea and her boyfriend, Nathan, decided to go for a walk in the forest, just in front of their house. The two dogs of the family were also there. After being unleashed, the dogs ran to some sort of mound-shaped den with a big circular hole which was big enough to shelter at least one man. From the appearance of the den, Nathan and Chelsea could tell that it was made on purpose by someone or something. But who would build this? Is it a hunter? Is it an animal? It seems pretty big to be made by an animal! When Nathan looked inside the hole, he didn't see anything because it was too dark but he clearly heard growlings coming from inside the den. They both agreed that it was better to leave so it's what they did.

After living there for a year, Eric and Shelley developped the habit of relaxing on the front porch before going to sleep. Every night, they were scanning their property with flashlights, looking for animals while comfortably seated on their porch.

One night, Eric and Shelley was having a good time on the porch when they noticed something really odd. They couldn't hear the normal noises of the wildlife. The wood was actually a few hundred meters away from them and they couldn't hear a single cricket. Shelley scanned the entire yard with her flashlight but didn't see anything so she turn it off. However, inexplicably, Eric felt like they were in danger so he tried to convince his wife to go inside but she protested until they heard something. She then took her flashlight again and, in the middle of the yard, they saw five large wolf-like creatures staring at them. Eric was an experienced hunter but he never saw anything like this before. Those wolf-like creatures were about eight feet tall and standing on their back legs.

All of a sudden, the creatures charged directly at them very fast so the couple rushed into the house and locked every doors and every windows. Eric had guns but they were in the barn so he couldn't get them without going outside but Shelley didn't want him to leave the house. Shelley then got into her daughter's bedroom, upstairs, and woke her up. She told Chelsea to look outside by opening the window a little and when she did, she saw the five creatures in the yard, waiting for them to come out. The family was obviously the prey of the creatures. Chelsea, like the rest of her family, was terrified so she closed the window and locked it. Even the two dogs were startled as they were hiding in the corner of the master bedroom.

Eric then took a decision to protect his family, he got outside of the house and instead of walking all the way to the barn, he headed toward his car. He wanted to drive away with his family but when he arrived to the car the motion sensor lights activated themselves. Alerted by the lights, the creatures began to chase him. Somehow, Eric managed to reach the house before the wolf-like beasts. They then started to run all around the house and onto the porch. The family gone quiet for a while until they heard the creatures walk back to the middle of the yard.

The next thing that the family did was calling the police. However, the police didn't take them seriously and hung up the phone. Nobody was going to come for them. 

At this point, the only thing they could do was to barricade themselves in the house, using heavy furniture to block the windows and the doors. They also got kitchen knives and an axe before going upstairs to lock themselves inside the master bedroom with their dogs. After that, they heard the creatures get back from the yard and start running all around the house and pace on the porch again. They were also bumping into the house, scratching the doors, communicating with each others via howlings and they even jumped onto the second roof to pace on it. Those creatures were trying to break into the house and each passing minute was a turmoil for the family which dragged on for the rest of the night.

With the arrival of the sun, the creatures gave up and ran back into the forest. After about an hour of not hearing anything, the family finally got out of the house and saw the damages caused to it, the fur all over the place and the huge clawed footprints.

After this night, the family sold the house and left the place for good which concludes the story of the Palmyra wolf pack...

Congratulation! You made it through the first story! Feel free to discuss about your opinion on what those creatures were! Were they wolves? Were they bears? Were they... something else?

It's a good story. I saw it on Mr.Ballen myself. 

 

 

 

[Aticus the Adequate 251]

Such a terrifying story. Immaculately written and the account is so eerie. I remember it from MrBallen as well. They certainly seem like they could be incredibly mangy wolves. Bears can fit the criteria but I feel like from the way they're physically described, the types of bears seen in America won't fit the bill too much. 

Maybe they're freaky, experimented-on wolves? Or werewolves themselves? Honestly, it's possible. We don't know what kind of terrifying madness lies out there! There's still so much we're unaware of. Whatever the case, definitely some kind of wolves.

[Espy Vibe 4,254]

Ooh! If I knew how to read I think I'd be very very scared right now 

[StarHeart333 1,764]

1 hour ago, Trot Shuffle said:

Ooh! If I knew how to read I think I'd be very very scared right now 

So you can't read?

[Evil Pink One 13,506]

20 minutes ago, Earth Prince StarHeart said:

So you can't read?

No she cant

[Samurai Equine 51,029]

Hmm... Well, the story is not taking place in Japan, so it can't be yokai. Disappointed. 

But I can always tell my own story! 
There once was a ship that put to sea. The name of the ship was the Billy O' Tea. The winds blew up, her bow dipped down-- Oh, wait, that's a song. Not a scary story. Sorry. 

[Brony Number 42 10,069]

Sounds like dire wolves. But why would you keep you guns in the barn and not the house?

[Shiny Silvermoon 3,716]

27 minutes ago, Spooky Brony 42 said:

Sounds like dire wolves. But why would you keep you guns in the barn and not the house?

I didn't mention it in the story but the mother didn't want any gun in the house because of the kids! 

[StarHeart333 1,764]

Let me try to write. 

Have you ever wondered why the ponies in MLP G4 seem almost human like and or why their world seems so...childlike?

Are ponies really just childlike by nature or could there be a more sinister reason behind it?

Perhaps, just maybe the reason the ponies are child like is because most ARE or at least were children at some point in our world.

Their souls unable to find peace after their deaths.

Oh, well that's no so bad Equestria is a paradise right?

WRONG, it's an illusion of false happiness covering the truth that is spelled out in blood.

Magic requires an huge amount of power and that power has to come from somewhere?

With 1000's upon 1000's of new souls coming into Equestria who would really notice one maybe three going missing?

It's awfully convenient that Equestria can maintain such strong amounts of magic and that there are no major trouble makers.

Bah, you're exaggerating I hear you say. It..it must be coincidence right?

Yes, it could very well be the case but then why were so many afraid of Princess Celestia, why would Twilight break down into hysteria after ONE bad assignment?

Her friends racing to Celestia begging her for mercy over what should normally be nothing more than a tiny slip up?

Because, although they will never say it aloud for fear of retribution they KNOW what happens to the "failures" the ponies who are for whatever reason seen as defective.

You've heard the story of the rainbow factory but I am afraid the truth is far worse than that.

The truth the show appealing to many wasn't an accident it was magic, magic to gather.....

 

SACRIFICES!

 

[Evil Pink One 13,506]

1 hour ago, Earth Prince StarHeart said:

Let me try to write. 

Have you ever wondered why the ponies in MLP G4 seem almost human like and or why their world seems so...childlike?

Are ponies really just childlike by nature or could there be a more sinister reason behind it?

Perhaps, just maybe the reason the ponies are child like is because most ARE or at least were children at some point in our world.

Their souls unable to find peace after their deaths.

Oh, well that's no so bad Equestria is a paradise right?

WRONG, it's an illusion of false happiness covering the truth that is spelled out in blood.

Magic requires an huge amount of power and that power has to come from somewhere?

With 1000's upon 1000's of new souls coming into Equestria who would really notice one maybe three going missing?

It's awfully convenient that Equestria can maintain such strong amounts of magic and that there are no major trouble makers.

Bah, you're exaggerating I hear you say. It..it must be coincidence right?

Yes, it could very well be the case but then why were so many afraid of Princess Celestia, why would Twilight break down into hysteria after ONE bad assignment?

Her friends racing to Celestia begging her for mercy over what should normally be nothing more than a tiny slip up?

Because, although they will never say it aloud for fear of retribution they KNOW what happens to the "failures" the ponies who are for whatever reason seen as defective.

You've heard the story of the rainbow factory but I am afraid the truth is far worse than that.

The truth the show appealing to many wasn't an accident it was magic, magic to gather.....

 

SACRIFICES!

 

This is more creepy than scary :v

[Clawdeen 12,189]

Quite the spooky tale. I also have to hop on the Dogmen train. That’s what I think they are.

[Comrade Friendship 436]

17 hours ago, StrawberryMilk Simp said:

No she cant

Me neither, and it's pretty annoying in situations like these

[Ice Princess Silky <3 13,578]

Ok so this… incident… involved… werewolves? That seems like an important key to take note of. I shall be doing that. It’s very mysterious and seemingly random. 

[Felis Amafeles 819]

Could it be a creature from a local North American legend?

[Shiny Silvermoon 3,716]

2 minutes ago, Felis Amafeles said:

Could it be a creature from a local North American legend?

It's hard to tell since a big part of the native's culture ceased to exist in same time as a lot of them due to... well, you know! 

[Hadrien 950]

Werewolves, Dogmen, Timberwolves. Whatever those things were, they were really intent on getting food that night. I wonder if they would have come back the next day if the family stayed there. Maybe they weren't werewolves and would've have come back even on a not Full Moon like tonight......Food for Werewolf thoughts I guess

[GodlyWolf Gusty 2,147]

 

1 minute ago, Hadrien said:

Werewolves, Dogmen, Timberwolves. Whatever those things were, they were really intent on getting food that night. I wonder if they would have come back the next day if the family stayed there. Maybe they weren't werewolves and would've have come back even on a not Full Moon like tonight......Food for Werewolf thoughts I guess

Scroll up and you will see werewolves was the answer to the first clue lol

[Hadrien 950]

Moments ago, Gusty The Brave said:

 

Scroll up and you will see werewolves was the answer to the first clue lol

Yeah, but that's too easy. I'm trying to see beyond the clues, to another possible reality where I'm right and you're wrong