Need feedback on my first "Action scene"

[Literally Snails 2,307]

Well, this isn't my first ever fight scene. I have written some fighting in a sci-fi story I'm writing, but this is the first time I've written a MLP fight. I just wrote this so there may be some grammar mistakes, but what I'm most concerned about is if this doesn't flow well.

 

I want constructive criticism, so go hard on me if need be.

 

P.S.: This is the sixth chapter of the second book in this series. If you want to read more, it's the last two links in my signature.

 

 

 

Chapter 6: The Storm

 

 

The northern entrance to Canterlot was blocked off by a hastily made wooden wall. The wall was seven feet tall and three feet thick, but it was hollow in the center. It closed off the gap in Canterlot’s stone wall that was once used as a welcoming entrance to the fair city. The top of this wall was only large enough to hold the weight of four ponies. Captain Trench and his second officer stood on top between two guards. Trench's second officer, First Lieutenant Carth, was a light gray coated unicorn. His mane and tail were pitch black. He almost looked like the polar opposite of his bright-coated commanding officer.

"Would you be so foolish as to follow their plan?" Carth asked Trench, "You're going to let Discord walk into the city for the sake of some ridiculous trap?"

"You say that as if he's even going to show up," Trench said confidently, "What does it matter how we plan to react to something that will never happen?"

"But then, if it turns out he is real, what will you do?" Carth asked, "Isn't that at least something to consider?"

"You needn't consider such a thing, because it makes no sense! I refuse to pretend that we are under any sort of threat from a creature that is the product of pure fantasy! I make my decisions based on reason, not mindless speculations and imaginative theories!" He yelled out his last sentence so loud that it echoed across the nearby mountains.

The guard to Trench's left nudged him and said, "Sir! I think you'll want to see this!" Trench and Carth both looked down the road to see Discord himself surrounded by a pack of forty dogs. They were too far away to be seen clearly.

Trench called out, "You've come close enough!"

Discord called back, "You bring up a good point, but I think I'd rather do the exact opposite of what you told me to do." He and the dogs continued walking down the road.

Trench started to make out Discord's twisted form. "What are you?" He asked nervously.

"Who, me?" Discord called back "I'm just a mindless speculation and imaginative theory."

Trench watched Discord walk closer and closer to the wooden wall. Carth whispered aside to Trench's ear, "What will you do now?"

Discord and his pack of dogs walked within ten yards and stopped. There was an awkward pause of disbelief from the ponies. Discord clapped his hands together and laughed, "Oh, goodie! This is the part before the battle where both sides look at each other to build up dramatic suspense! I just love this part!"

"You can't go with the plan, lives are at stake!" Carth said to Trench in a hushed yell, "We can stop him now, we'll be heroes!" Trench looked down for a moment, then shook his head. "You're a fool..." Carth commented, "...sir."

“I was a fool for doubting the Princess.”

“And you're a fool now!”

Discord whistled loudly. “Listen, I'm sure you have very important things to talk about, but I'm on a tight schedule.” He grinned smugly. “I tell you what, I don't want to cause a big scene here. These are just forty of my most heavily armed friends. If you let us in, I promise we won't cause a scene. You can trust me.”

Trench knew he had only two options: Try to stop Discord and risk him coming back again, or go with the plan and give him only enough resistance to make him think they were trying to stop him. There were so many variables, the trap itself may not even work. He balanced his options in his head. He had only a moment to decide. He stepped to his left and glanced at the Canterlot Tower. “You want the Elements?” he said, “There they are. Come and get them.” He turned around and hollered, “Stick with the plan, and get those civilians out of the street!”

Loud bells rang through the city. The guards throughout the city began to herd the civilians inside of their homes, spreading panic rather than success. Ponies ran across the streets in search of loved ones, and the overwhelmed Royal Guards could do nothing to stop them.

Discord raised his hands into the air. “Oh no!” he cried, “It’s exactly what I expected you to do!” He pointed his bear claw at the wooden wall and yelled, “Go, now! Tear down the wall!”

The dogs howled and rushed past Discord. One of them tripped on a rock as he ran. The other dogs simply walked over of him.

When they were only ten yards from the wooden barricade, Captain Trench whispered to Carth and the other two guards, “We’re putting on a show, but make it look real.” Carth nodded nervously. The Guards raised their spears and pointed them toward the dogs.

The first five dogs clashed with the wooden wall and violently clawed at the wooden planks. Splintered wood chipped off and fell to the ground.

The guard to Trench’s right thrust his spear at a dog that was directly below him. The metal spearhead clanked against the dog’s helmet and shimmied off to the dog’s shoulder. The spearhead cut into the dog’s shoulder. He immediately jolted back, grabbed the spear and yanked it toward the ground.

The guard tried to keep is grasp on the spear. As the dog pulled harder, the guard lost his grip on the spear and lost his balance, leaning to the edge of the wall. Captain Trench grabbed the guard’s neck plate and pulled him back to safety.

“Thanks,” the guard said between heavy breaths.

The dog was still grasping the guard’s spear. He inspected the item for a moment, then rammed the blunt end through the wooden wall with a loud ‘CRACK.’ Two other dogs rushed to the hole and chipped at the wood around it. As the hole expanded in size, the dog pulled the spear out and clutched it in both hands.

Carth looked over the wall and cried, “This wall won’t last for much longer, sir!”

“Wasn’t plannin’ on it!” Trench replied, “On my mark, I want you to jump!”

The dogs ripped off an entire plank of wood.

“Jump?” Carth questioned, “Why ‘jump’”

The dogs tore down the planks surrounding the hole and flooded into the hollow wall.

“This wall is going to fall!” Trench yelled.

The dog with the spear thrust his new weapon into the second layer of wood. The spear head poked through the other side of the wall.

“But why do we have to jump?” Carth whined.

The dogs beat on the wood relentlessly. The wood cracked and moaned.

Trench looked at his feet, a small crack creeped up the wood and split the plank into two, even halves. “No time, jump now!” He ordered.

Without hesitation, the four ponies jumped off of the wall and landed on the ground with a loud thud. As they fell, the dogs tore down another plank causing the surrounding beams to wobble. The roof of the wall split and caved in above the dogs. The dogs yelped and jumped to either side to avoid the falling chunks of wood.

Carth stood up and looked at the scene. He turned to Captain Trench and asked, “Why were we even up there in the first place? I mean, what was the point of that?”

Trench stared back at Carth. “Lieutenant... shut up,” he said.

A dozen more guards rushed to the Captain’s aid. One guard, a white unicorn, looked to the pile of splintered wood and gasped, “Sirs, look!”

One by one, the dogs that were trapped in the rubble dug out of their prison and stood on top of the broken wood. They were joined by Discord and the rest of the pack. For a moment they stared at the guards who stood in their way.

Discord pointed to the Captain and his soldiers. “Charge, my little puppies, CHARGE!”

The dogs responded by howling, beating their chests, and viciously rushing at the guards.

“Okay, boys,” Trench said with a low voice, “hold the line as long as you can.” He turned to his right, where Carth had been standing moments before. Carth was no longer there. He glanced further across the street to see Carth’s log, black tail turning behind a flower shop as he ran away. “Carth, you cowardly son-of-a...”

A dog tackled Trench as he spoke. Shouldn’t have looked away, Trench thought. The dog wrestled Trench to the dirt and pulled off his helmet. Trench curled his hind hoofs and placed them on the dog’s chest. “Get off!” he yelled. He kicked his legs back, sending the dog flying off into the dirt behind him. Trench rolled to his belly and stood back up on his hoofs.

He looked around. The dogs almost seemed to ignore the guards that were trying to stop them. The dogs were breaking windows, jumping in and out of jewelry stores, and throwing just about every heavy object they could get their paws on. He looked across the street. Discord was nowhere to be seen.

A few of the dogs had already moved deeper into the city. It wouldn’t be long before they would spread into the adjacent districts. Trench pulled himself together and ran toward the sounds of chaos.

 

Carth stopped running as he approached a wide, wooden bridge that crossed over one of Canterlot’s beautiful waterfalls. He hadn’t been running for long, and he could still hear the sounds of panic in the streets, but something about the tranquil, flowing water put him at ease. It was then that he allowed himself to regret his decision to flee. He heard glass shatter. The dogs were looting.

Carth ran his hoof through the dirt nervously. Suddenly, a loud scream sounded behind him. He turned to see a mare and filly, both screaming, backing into a flower shop at the base of the bridge. They were being chased by the hulking dog Fido and two other diamond dogs.

The mare backed into the flower shop’s glass window as the dogs surrounded her. For a brief moment, she locked eyes with Carth, who was standing at the foot of the bridge. “Guard!” she cried, “Help us please!”

“Quiet pony!” Fido yelled. He turned sharply to Carth and growled.

Carth stepped back. There were three of them and only one of him. He froze in his tracks, unable to move.

Fido ignored Carth and stepped closer to the two defenseless ponies. He growled and the other two dogs joined him.

Suddenly, a white and grey blur violently collided with the dog two Fido’s left. Fido jumped back and looked where the dog had been standing. The dog was now on the street floor, wrestling with a very determined Captain Trench. For a moment, Fido stared in confusion.

The mare and filly started to slowly back away while Fido’s back was turned. After they were a few feet away, they turned and ran.

“Don’t let them leave!” Fido ordered as he pointed to the escaping ponies. The third dog lunged at the mare. Trench struggled to free his hoof. He managed to escape the first dog’s grasp long enough to trip the other dog as he ran past him. The dog landed chin-first into the street with a thud.

“Not ... so fast.” The captain managed to say. The first dog now had him pinned to the ground by his neck. Trench’s left front hoof lay outstretched, still clutching the dog’s leg. He glanced at Carth, who still stood paralyzed at the bridge. “Lieutenant!” He called, “Get your flank over here and help me!”

“He won’t save you, pony!” Fido barked.

Carth backed away three paces, then he turned and ran across the bridge, out of sight.

Fido chuckled deeply, “He is a coward, but cowards don’t get caught!” He knelt down and grabbed Trench by the head. The other dog let go of his neck as Fido lifted the Captan off the ground. “You got caught, my friend.”

Fido saw a thin gold chain tucked into Trench’s collar. “What’s do we have here, pony?” He said as he reached for the golden chain. Trench tried to smack the dog’s paw away, but Fido caught his hoof mid-swing and forced it aside. Fido then grabbed the chain and yanked it. The chain snapped at the back of Trench’s neck and slid off his collar.

Fido cupped the golden chain in his hand. At the base of the chain was a silver pendant that was adorned with diamonds. The pendant had a symbol of a chess piece in its center. Fido smiled and folded it into one of his coat pockets.

“Pretty necklace,” Fido commented, “I’ll hold onto it for a while.” Fido lifted Trench into the air and slammed him down at the bace of the flower shop with a loud ‘Thump.’ “You’ll stay there if you know what’s good for you, pony!” Fido said threateningly. The three dogs began to cross the wooden bridge.

Trench slowly stood up. His left hind hoof was no doubt sprained, or even broken. He slowly advanced on Fido, making sure not to make a sound. Pain shot through his left hoof as he put weight on it. He took one wrong step and put all his weight on his sprained hoof. He fell backwards and yelped at the sharp pain.

Fido turned to the source of the sound. “Stupid pony!” he yelled. Trench tied to scramble back up, only furthering his pain. “Stupid pony!” Fido repeated. He pulled back his left leg, then kicked it strait into Trench’s gut.

The force of the impact sent the Captain into the air and flung him strait into the bridge’s wooden guardrails. The rails snapped as he crashed into them leaving nothing between him and a drop that would undoubtably kill him. He burst through the rails hind hoofs first. He instinctively grabbed on to the side of the bridge by it’s broken rails and held on for dear life. His grip began to slowly slip.

Fido and the other dogs were not paying attention to Trench. Instead, they were focused on something else. Trench could hear hoof-steps of other guards, a large group of them was approaching. He tried to pull himself up, he couldn’t. His grip was slowly failing.

“Run!” Fido ordered. The dogs obeyed and followed Fido across the bridge and out of sight.

Trench’s left front hoof slid completely off the rail and dangled next to his side. “Help!” he cried.

Before the guards could respond, his grip completely failed. He felt the wind rush past him as he fell helplessly through the air. He didn’t scream, he just closed his eyes and waited.

After a few brief moments, he felt a jerk, then a tug, and he no longer felt the sensation of falling. That was short, he thought. He opened his left eye. He saw the waterfall rushing down the cliffside. He wasn’t falling, he was rising, and most importantly, he wasn’t dead! He could hear a constant swooshing sound behind him. He opened his right eye and looked up. Above him was a white pegasus. The pegasus was holding Trench by his shoulder guards and flying him back to safety.

“Captain, can you hear me?” the pegasus asked, still focusing on flying.

Trench didn’t respond, instead he gazed downward. He was so high above the ground!

“Captain!” the pegasus repeated, “Are you all right?”

“I... I’m fine,” Trench finally answered, “You ... you’re a pegasus?”

“Last time checked. Why are you asking?”

Trench didn’t respond. The pegasus slowly lowered him back to the safety of the bridge, where they were met by five other guards.

“You okay, captain?” one of the guards asked.

Trench ignored the question. “Have any of you seen Lieutenant Carth?” The guards shook there heads. Trench grunted angrily, “That pony’s dead the next time I see him! I’ll kill him, I swear it! I’ll...”

“Sir,” the pegasus interrupted, “What about Discord?”

Trench took a deep breath, “Yeah, You’re right. Follow me, we’ve got a kingdom to save.”

[MVC NVMXD JVRXD 2,406]

Well... I think sometimes, your writing lacked a LITTLE description. But besides that, not bad! Not bad at all!