fan fiction An improved Fanfic

[Nah 3,182]

Okay, okay, I improved my fanfic after the incident earlier this morning and the encouragement from all you guys, so here is a much better and improved version of my fanfic, now called Fall of Harmony:

 

(*note, If this seems impossible, for the billionth time, Rainbow dash Has NO MEMORY what happened and lost her memory, just to let you know, you can read the rest once I get it finished and submitted on FiMfiction, also I never really had much talent in writing, so excuse any underwhelming grammar)

 

Rainbow Dash didn't remember a thing, she woke up in a hospital bed, her head really hurt, but her wings hurt the worst, the doctor came in, "oh goody your awake, nasty fall you had there. 5000 foot fall." Dash was perplexed by his report and asked, "who am I and who are you?!?" The doctor said back, "let me bring back Twilight, you might remember her."

 

 

Twilight Sparkle walks into the room, "Hi dash, your awake!" dash felt foreign listening to her, and then Pinkie pie (unsuccessfully) tried to hold a party in her hospital room. Days past, then weeks, she still had no memory of what happened (concussion the doc kept saying) and didn't remember any of her friends at all. Until a surprise guest came.

 

Someone walked into the room, it was discord, she didn't remember but he somehow got in and sat in a chair, and said "hello Dash, longtime, NO SEE." Dash then asked what became a very common question, "who are you?" Discord gave a small laugh and said, "I am your friend, I finally learned of your accident and came to see you" Dash felt happy listening to him and said "this is very thoughtful of you, thanks friend." Discord said, "those others coming in have forgot about you, deep down they HATE you for who you are, unique, I like that, and need you to do a favor. I am hated as well, like you unique, I need your help, the elements of harmony are needed, I have acquired an ancient tool, the portal staffs, I require the elements to power them. Will you bring me the elements?" Dash thought of it, then asked "why? Why me? why do you need the elements? And what are you going to do with the staffs?

 

Discord replied, " we need the staffs to leave quickly when we need too and only you can do it, your trusted." Dash thinking much more, thought it through and then said "discord, I will do what you need done. I accept." Discord, pleased with his triumph, then said "good choice. Good choice, lord Dash." and vanished.

 

During the next few days, she learned of her accident, a storm had approached, she was sent to clear the skies, a heavy wind gust hit and sent her falling, blacking her out and fell at least 5000 feet into a tree, nearly killing her. She was rushed to the hospital immediately, were she went into shock and then had a cardiac arrest from it. she was in coma for at least a month. The doctors even said, it was impossible for her to get out, she was close to being brain dead. When she awoke it was a miracle she awoke. Dash still was clueless and couldn't remember what had happened, had that really happened to her?

 

about a week later, dash was transferred to a flight rehabilitation center to learn how to fly again. She got the hang of it, even though her back legs didn't show, they started healing quickly also, within a month, she was in full health, except for her memory, which was still broken, and corrupted by discord. she had limited visits by Twilight and a brief short visit the night before being transferred out.

 

Discord entered her room and said, "remember our plan Dash, we need the elements to take back Equestria. If we are successful, your will be rewarded handsomely for your actions. Equestria was wrongfully taken by that corrupt bile filly named Celestia." Dash agreed with him and said "tomorrow, i get out, I will help you master". Discord was please with what he heard and said, "good, good lord dash." and vanished once more. The next day, she was released and started to plot out the plan, the plan to take Equestria back to discord.

[jdb1984 14]

I saw the last draft on Equestria forums. While it seems to be improved, there's still the fact that Discord simply walked on in. Someone mentioned it before, it bugged me then, and it still bugs me now. Also, you missed a few capital letters as well.

[Nah 3,182]

I saw the last draft on Equestria forums. While it seems to be improved, there's still the fact that Discord simply walked on in. Someone mentioned it before, it bugged me then, and it still bugs me now. Also, you missed a few capital letters as well.

 

Thank you, I am improving my writing skills through this and still improving the story itself, eventually, it will get much better, and the end will be really good.

[Tom The Diamond 1,828]

This is much better then the previous version. Still a few flaws, but overall a vast improvement over the previous version.

 

Grammar wise, a few misspelled words here and there, and words that aren't capitalized when they should. Also, you might won't to change 'I am' and 'I will' and such, to 'I'm' 'I'll', etc. This makes the dialogue sound much better and more natural.

 

Story wise, Discord still needs some improvement. He acts boringly, his dialogue is boring, he is simply a boring character. Which is the opposite of what he actually is. Make him do interesting things, make his dialogue witty and amusing.

 

Also, you show us Discord talking with RD, but you only give us a slight glimpse at any of the Mane 6 interacting with her. Why not show some interaction between the two? I mean, that's a pretty big plot point. I mean, how do they all react? How do they try to help(Or not, depending on what you choose) RD? Did they do something to make RD dislike them, and easily believe Discord when he said they hated her?

 

And the final thing that bugs me is that you tell us that her memory was corrupted by Discord. I mean, that's a pretty major spoiler. Now we know that Discord had something to do with her accident, if not fully orchestrate it, and he''s the reason RD has amnesia. I think it would of been better off if you simply said that her amnesia remained, or her memory was still fuzzy, or something.

 

But overall, a vast improvement over the previous version, just iron it out some, put a bit more detail in it, and fix up the grammar and it should be A-OK!

[Nah 3,182]

This is much better then the previous version. Still a few flaws, but overall a vast improvement over the previous version.

 

Grammar wise, a few misspelled words here and there, and words that aren't capitalized when they should. Also, you might won't to change 'I am' and 'I will' and such, to 'I'm' 'I'll', etc. This makes the dialogue sound much better and more natural.

 

Story wise, Discord still needs some improvement. He acts boringly, his dialogue is boring, he is simply a boring character. Which is the opposite of what he actually is. Make him do interesting things, make his dialogue witty and amusing.

 

Also, you show us Discord talking with RD, but you only give us a slight glimpse at any of the Mane 6 interacting with her. Why not show some interaction between the two? I mean, that's a pretty big plot point. I mean, how do they all react? How do they try to help(Or not, depending on what you choose) RD? Did they do something to make RD dislike them, and easily believe Discord when he said they hated her?

 

And the final thing that bugs me is that you tell us that her memory was corrupted by Discord. I mean, that's a pretty major spoiler. Now we know that Discord had something to do with her accident, if not fully orchestrate it, and he''s the reason RD has amnesia. I think it would of been better off if you simply said that her amnesia remained, or her memory was still fuzzy, or something.

 

But overall, a vast improvement over the previous version, just iron it out some, put a bit more detail in it, and fix up the grammar and it should be A-OK!

 

Got it, I'm not the best at writing Tom, but this is improving my writing skills by a bit! (I have a D in English class) But I think I should add chapter 2, its short and a little better planned out!

 

 

Many months passed, everything felt like a distant memory as the desert went through the sandstorm, in the distance, a dark figure approached, and got bigger and bigger and its shape could be told out, it was a pony, covered in a tan cloth tarp, covering its face and a pair of goggles, to protect its face and eyes from the raging sandstorm, it had a full satchel and continued approaching what appeared to be a cave. It was a cave and it entered.

 

The figure approached a dark part of the cave and said "master discord, I have brought you the elements." Discord came out of the shadows along with two black Pegasi, one at each side. "You have done well, bring them to me." The figure first removed its hood and goggles, and unwrapped the cloth, it was dash, she handed discord the satchel, sure thing, the elements were in there, along with a bloody hat. " I included a trophy for you master. She tried to stop me." discord, pleased with his prize and extra said, "lord dash, you have done me well, Equestria will be ours!" Dash bowed down to discord, and bowed her head asking, "Master Discord, how and when will we take what was wrongfully taken from you?" Discord thought a moment and said "Tomorrow night, I need to prepare the staffs for transportation."

 

Meanwhile back at Equestria, news broke out that Applejack was killed, the elements were stolen, and Rainbow Dash was missing! all were too hard to believe to be true. Applejack lay in the hall of Canterlot castle in a big pool of blood, a bullet hole right in between the eyes. her hat was missing and the stain glass window with the relief of the elements was broken. Twilight was surprised and shocked about the robbery, murder, and to her, kidnapping. That's what the authorities assumed at first. They would never suspect the shock they were to receive next.

[jdb1984 14]

A gunshot? There's probably plenty of other ways that fit better with the MLP canon.