The Unforgiven

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

Okay this is something, that came to me while drawing some of Luna's guard. Please let me know of any grammatical errors (English isn't my native language), things you feel are missing, stuff you think should be changed ect.
PS: Pterasus is the term I came up with for the bat ponies. Ptera(wing)+pegasus= Pterasus

 

 

 

 

The Unforgiven

 

 

 

 

 

In most Equestrian taverns, midnight was the time when the floor was swept and the last guests were politely shown out.
The Cavern was very different; here midnight meant bustling activity, laughter, and general carousing as the various guests came in from their shifts, looking to spend the time till dawn.
A unicorn had once told Joan, that the cavern had once been the hideout of a band of vile dog beings, who had hewn the cave and a vast network of tunnels out of the summit of Mount Canterlot. That was, until they had been chased out by the unicorn sorcerers of old, who then proceeded to raise their city on the slopes below.

And when the last gem had been mined and the upper tunnels had been abandoned, some Unforgiven had made the place into a bar.
Joan liked that story, though she wished the ancient barkeep would have been a tad more creative when naming his establishment.
She pushed open the heavy oaken doors, meant to keep out wind and daylight alike, and entered.

The interior was crowded; nearly all the small round tables were packed full, half raised voices filling the familiar gloom. Most of the clientele were Unforgiven like her, but there were some griffons and a couple of teenage unicorns from the magic school, wings of morning dew glittering in the twilight.
Joan made her way through the room, stopping at some of the tables to exchange greetings with guests she knew, which in here was pretty much everypony. When she finally reached the counter, she slumped down onto one of the barstools and gestured for the grizzled barkeep. Hasdrubal walked over and placed a mug of cider in front of her.
“Here you go Joan. Rough night?”
“Lost another job.”
He gave her a sympathetic look with his one good eye.
“Wanna to talk about it, kiddo?”
She gave a shrug.
“Not much to talk about. Apparently business is slow in the cheese market and it’s not like there was much of a need for a night guard to begin with. That Sparkle boy is too damn good at his job.”
That was what old Mrs. Chesdale had told her, in no unkind manner, the night before. Joan had spent the rest of that night brooding on Canterlot's rooftops until the first sunrays had driven her inside.

The two of them spent some more time chatting about the evils of an overly efficient city watch until Hasdrubal got called over by another customer. Joan stayed put,contemplating her mug and listening to the conversations going on around her. The Cavern was no place you went to have a private talk; all Unforgiven had good ears and Joan’s were better than most.
Most of the talk seemed to be about something that had happened the night before at some place called Ponyville. Apparently there had been some ruckus at the celebration, but no two ponies seemed to agree on what exactly had happened.
That was right, yesterday had been the day of the Summer Sun celebration. She had completely forgotten about that. As a filly, Joan had eagerly awaited the celebration every year, waiting outside till dawning, with a cardboard sign decorated with a crescent moon and the words "Welcome Home".

But a dozen years of disappointment had a way of beating the enthusiasm out of you and eventually she had stopped.
She tried to calculate if this could be the year of the Return, but then she remembered that there had been a sunrise after last night and she went back to contemplating her current mug.

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”
Joan looked up. Next to her stood a unicorn mare clad in a hooded cloak, that covered her face and most of her back and flank. For some reason Joan couldn’t quite make out the features under the cowl, but she put that down to the cider, shook her head and rocked her own stool a bit to the side to give the newcomer some room.
She was just about to return to her mugstudies, when she heard the unicorn address Hasdrubal.
“Innkeeper, would you be so good as to tell me the tale of the mural behind you?”, she said, pointing to the wall behind the counter, most of which was covered with painted scenes of ponies striking heroic poses and twirling ribbons of writing detailing what events were depicted.
“Oh, you want Joan here for that.”, Hasdrubal answered. “She painted it.”
The unicorn turned her head to look at Joan. “Is that the truth?”
Joan gave a nod. “It’s based on a tapestry down in the castle. It shows the history of the Equestria, especially from the perspective of the Unforgiven.”
“Unforgiven? Do you mean the pterasi?”
This kindled Joan interest; there were only few outsiders, who knew the old term for her people. The evening might turn out interesting after all.
She sat up straight and adjusted her seat so she had a proper view on both the mural and her neighbor. She still could not quite make out the mare’s features, but if the unicorn had her reasons to keep her identity hidden, Joan wouldn’t pry it from her.
“I'm surprised you know that word. Have you studied us?”
“In a way”, the other replied. “A long time ago.”
Joan recognized the tone and decided not to inquire any further. Relationships between Unforgiven and other ponies were not all that rare, but most of them ended badly.
“Well, it starts up there on the top left with the arrival of the long winter…”

For the next half hour Joan gave the unicorn a detailed description of Equestrian history, working her way through the arrival of the three tribes, the short lived conflict between the pterasi and the newcomers, that was resolved by commander Hurricane and nightlord Asmodan getting roaringly drunk and then signing a treaty proposed by Clover the Clever.Then came the dark age of the Great Undoer’s reign, which broke apart all bonds of friendship and love, finally ended by the arrival of the Sisters, who reunited all of Equestria to topple the tyrant.

The last section detailed the rebuilding of the ravaged country and mainly consisted of armored pterasi and pegasi battling a variety of monsters, under the benevolent gaze of the Sisters.The last scene showed the younger Sister, surrounded by pterasi in her castle in the forest.
“Your history is incomplete.”, the unicorn remarked. “The War in the Heavens is missing.”
Joan nodded, not at all surprised, that the other new the proper term for what most  thought of as a mere ponytale.
“I know. I believe the tapestry predated that and I'm no good at thinking stuff up myself.”
“Would you tell me your version anyway?”
Joan gave a shrug. “There is not much more to tell, that you can’t read in any ponytale book. After the defeat of Nightmare Moon, our ancestors surrendered themselves to the older Sister’s mercy and she forgave them, as she forgave all of those, who had followed her sister.”
“Then why do you call yourselves Unforgiven?”

Some of the conversations around them had died down, replaced by the silence of ponies listening.
“Because it is not the Sun's forgiveness we seek. We were the younger Sister’s in a way, none of the three tribes had ever been and when she needed us, when she needed our counsel most, we failed her in not showing her the error of her ways. So the last captain of her guard swore that none of us would ever wear arms again or walk in the daylight, until the younger Sister returns and answers our pleas for forgiveness.”
“May we live to see it.”, murmured Hasdrubal and others repeated the phrase.
“Darzar”, the unicorn said. Suddenly, she seemed irritated.
Joan blinked. “Excuse me?”
“Darzar. That was his name. That sweet fool. Stupid, stubborn fool.”

And then the cloaked mare was gone and in her place stood… Perfection.

None of the written accounts Joan had read, none of the ancient woodcuts, not one of the carved likenesses had come remotely close to capturing the sheer majesty of the Princess of the Night.

Throughout the room stools and chairs scraped over the floor or fell over, as every single living being in the Cavern, Unforgiven, unicorn and griffon alike, rose from its seat to fall to its knees.
The words came to Joan’s lips on their own accord, just as they did to every other Unforgiven in the room. Words passed down from parents to foals for more generations than anyone could have counted, words not spoken aloud in a thousand years.
“AVE LUNA! AVE DOMINA NOCTIS!”
They repeated it, over and over again, the unicorns joining their voices to those of the Unforgiven, filling the room with the ancient salute to their sovereign.
Joan felt tears streaming down her face by the time she heard the echoes of the chant slowly fade away. She looked around and saw that most of the Unforgiven were weeping, some shaking uncontrollably.

A feather as dark as the night sky brushed her cheek. She looked up and saw that there were tears glistening in the Princess’ eyes as well.
“Forgive us”, Joan whispered. “Oh please forgive us all.”
“Rise my children”, the Princess said, with a voice that touched the hearts of all that were present. “There has never been anything to forgive.”
And the pterasi stood up.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Silverwisp the Bard

[Fluffykins the Cat 139]

Again, another fantastic Pony fanfic, great job. How did you ever think of this? But I do have one problem, it's Foals, not "chidgen"

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

Again, another fantastic Pony fanfic, great job. How did you ever think of this? But I do have one problem, it's Foals, not "chidgen"

 

Thanks and thanks. The idea behind this was basically to

1. get back into writing

2. write about Pterasi

2. tell the story of how my OC (Joan) got her job at Canterlot Night Watch

Edited September 16, 2012 by Silverwisp the Bard

[Dimitri Hammer 3,645]

Wonderful work Comrade! In my opinion there is nothing better than sharing your creativity, especially if it is great! For not being native English speaker it is well written. English is also not my native language.

[That One Techpriest You Used To Know 2,286]

*Jaw drops open and hangs* Gah...*Recovers*

Wow... that is amazing. Wow. just... wow.

Where did you get this Idea? And when is your next one coming out?

[Planty 1,053]

I know this is kinda not related (your work is great btw) but is it acceptable to write a fanfic this long?

 

I've always wanted to write some of this length but always thought you had to write one much longer

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

I know this is kinda not related (your work is great btw) but is it acceptable to write a fanfic this long?

 

I've always wanted to write some of this length but always thought you had to write one much longer

 

Well it's your fanfic, so i't really up to you, isn't it?

But seriously, I had a lot more ideas and backstory for this one, but I felt it wasn't really necerssary to be included and would just weight down the narrative; In my opinion a story should be exactly as long as it needs to be.

If you ever write something, let me know and I'll check it out

 

Where did you get this Idea? And when is your next one coming out?

 

Like it says in the 1st post, I made an OC and got thinking about batponies, so I decided to give the old writing muscles a good stretching. Next one might be out on saturday, but probably a lot less epic...

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Interesting, a One Shot I suppose here to tell a tale of the picture above? It's quite interesting, though it feels very rushed to me in a sense. Maybe if you had fleshed the story out with telling the tale a bit to The War in the Heavens you mentioned along with more general info on these Pterasi.

 

Although because of Moonstuck, bat ponies will always just be bat ponies to me. Though I guess they should have a name. Something mythological though like how there are Unicorns and Pegasus (Pegasi).

[Pulcinella 1,016]

Wow, this is awesome! BTW, great idea for the bat ponies. Never woulda thought of it myself. I never thought a fanfic this short would be so interesting! Keep up the good work, Silverwisp.

[WingMcCallister 368]

This was really quite entertaining. For English not being your first language, you've done a lot of things right. My only comments are that you missed a few clausal commas along the way. For example, my for example to the left is separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma. You also have at least one extra comma where it isn't needed. Also, I feel (specifically when you are describing the cavern) that you try to fit too much into a single sentence. If it feels like the sentence is getting too long, then break it up. You don't have to cram everything into one. Overall though, I think this is a great story. It doesn't need a whole lot of work, and it certainly doesn't need any to be enjoyed.

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

This was really quite entertaining. For English not being your first language, you've done a lot of things right. My only comments are that you missed a few clausal commas along the way. For example, my for example to the left is separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma. You also have at least one extra comma where it isn't needed. Also, I feel (specifically when you are describing the cavern) that you try to fit too much into a single sentence. If it feels like the sentence is getting too long, then break it up. You don't have to cram everything into one. Overall though, I think this is a great story. It doesn't need a whole lot of work, and it certainly doesn't need any to be enjoyed.

Ah, yes: Proper grammar, my old nemesis.

Tried to somewhat break up the overlong sentences and did some general clean-up. Thanks for the feedback.

[WingMcCallister 368]

Ah, yes: Proper grammar, my old nemesis.

Tried to somewhat break up the overlong sentences and did some general clean-up. Thanks for the feedback.

You're welcome. It's always good to help out where it is needed. 

 

Lolz, this whole character thing makes it difficult to respond quickly.