I need some feedback on a story. Willing to help a guy out?

[LightRaider 148]

Hey guys, I've been very slowly writing a story. I was just wanting to know if you guys could answer a couple of questions.

1.What am I doing wrong?

2.What am I doing right?

3.Would you like to see this story continued? (Debating whether or not to scrap it)

 

Well that is about it from me. Tell me what you think! (And tell me what you REALLY think.)

http://www.fimfictio...Day's-youth

 

Google Docs link, per request:

Prologue: https://docs.google....cTFKdXJUN2swV1E

 

Chapter 1https://docs.google....dzFmVzZlZUVKaFk

 

Chapter 2https://docs.google....UFdGR1c2S1FoUW8

Edited October 21, 2012 by LightRaider

[SrFrog 926]

1.What am I doing wrong? The story tends to tell the actions rather than showing them. Adding a bit more of detail will do wonders for the story.

2.What am I doing right? It's actually got one interesting premise, plus the punctuation is near flawless.

3.Would you like to see this story continued? Yes, actually I'd like to see where this story goes. Though, it's all up to you if you wanna start from scratch.

[LightRaider 148]

1.What am I doing wrong? The story tends to tell the actions rather than showing them. Adding a bit more of detail will do wonders for the story.

Okay, i don't really get what you mean by that. Would you be so kind to elaborate a bit more?

 

2.What am I doing right? It's actually got one interesting premise, plus the punctuation is near flawless.

 

Thank you.

 

3.Would you like to see this story continued? Yes, actually I'd like to see where this story goes. Though, it's all up to you if you wanna start from scratch.

 

This means quite a bit to me. Thanks again for the feedback

[SrFrog 926]

From chapter 1:

 

 

 

You describe Celestia as "She looked terrible", end. One thing you could do is describe the scene a bit more, flesh it out. Also try not to use he or she too many times, you shouldn't have to remind the reader very often on who is speaking.

 

Instead of "She looked terrible" you could go for something like:

 

"The weariness of the previous night had become apparent on her face. The bags under her eyes and the tiredness that they now portray were quite different of her usual fair complexion."

 

[LightRaider 148]

From chapter 1:

 

 

 

You describe Celestia as "She looked terrible", end. One thing you could do is describe the scene a bit more, flesh it out. Also try not to use he or she too many times, you shouldn't have to remind the reader very often on who is speaking.

 

Instead of "She looked terrible" you could go for something like:

 

"The weariness of the previous night had become apparent on her face. The bags under her eyes and the tiredness that they now portray were quite different of her usual fair complexion."

 

 

Ah, that makes alot of sense. I'll try to do that more often in this story, and the horror story competition will be some great practice. Again, I cannot thank you enough for reading my story and helping me out with this.

[SrFrog 926]

Best of luck with that story. Also, I shall be tracking this story at Fimfiction. Because really, this has some amazing potential to become a great fic.

[Sneaky 54]

All ive read is the prologue so far. It seems to have potential, and I like the mildly pleasant mood it sets. I would say throw in a little more descriptions and figurative language.

 

Im gonna track it and see where it goes. It definitely has potential.

[LightRaider 148]

All ive read is the prologue so far. It seems to have potential, and I like the mildly pleasant mood it sets. I would say throw in a little more descriptions and figurative language.

 

Im gonna track it and see where it goes. It definitely has potential.

 

Oh snap. I thought this thread was dead. I want to thank you for the feedback, and as our good man Sr. Frog here has already said, i need to be more discriptive. I've been working on the third chapter for a while now, so expect an update soon!

[Clarity 3,094]

Oh yes, I remember this fic. Sorry I haven't replied. I finished reading it, and I liked how it turned out. Celestia being a younger filly interested me quite a bit.

 

However, a description, like the others said, would enhance the story a bit more, like showing what her parents looked like, such as "A strong stallion with blablabla". Paragraphs are kind of muddled together. but other than that, I liked it. Favorited and tracking.

[LightRaider 148]

Oh yes, I remember this fic. Sorry I haven't replied. I finished reading it, and I liked how it turned out. Celestia being a younger filly interested me quite a bit.

 

However, a description, like the others said, would enhance the story a bit more, like showing what her parents looked like, such as "A strong stallion with blablabla". Paragraphs are kind of muddled together. but other than that, I liked it. Favorited and tracking.

 

Holycrap another post in this thread.

I can't thank you all enough for this, and as i said before, chapter 3 is in the works.

I think i should get myself an editor, what do you guys think?

[Appleja©k 31]

Could you put it in Google Docs please? Fimfiction is blocked on my network http://mlpforums.com/public/style_emoticons/default/dry.png and I love fanfics, so the only way I can read them is through a non-blocked site like Google Docs.

[LightRaider 148]

Could you put it in Google Docs please? Fimfiction is blocked on my network http://mlpforums.com/public/style_emoticons/default/dry.png and I love fanfics, so the only way I can read them is through a non-blocked site like Google Docs.

 

 

I'll get on it immediately. I've been thinking of putting it up there for a while now, and this is the perfect excuse for me to just do it.

[Twilight_Scratch 13]

I like it! Good spelling and grammar. I do agree with the first guy that it needs to set the stage with a little more detail. There is one spelling mistake idk if anyone caught it but when he yells LEAVE! you spelled it LAVE.

 

Overall good will track!

[Sneaky 54]

 

 

Holycrap another post in this thread.

I can't thank you all enough for this, and as i said before, chapter 3 is in the works.

I think i should get myself an editor, what do you guys think?

 

I wouldn't mind being your editor, if you wouldn't mind my criticism. Truthfully, I would like to have an overly critical editor, because then I would know what to improve upon. My editor is very supportive, which I like, but still.

 

Okay, I read the third chapter (or second. Whatever.) A question itches at me now. SPOILER ALERT: Why didn't Celestia's mother just teleport them -all- out? This definitely needs to be addressed next chapter.

All in all, I'm honestly intrigued by this story. Keep it up, I want to know how Celestia handles this.

 

And could you do me a favor? I've asked for feedback, and have gotten none. Could you tell me what I'm doing wrong/right with this new story I'm doing? Anything that bugs you, (like the wall of text, if it does), tell me. Be overly critical, but point out the things you like so I can expand on that. If you could do this for me, it would be helpful. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/57905/On-the-Eve-of-Chaos

[LightRaider 148]

I like it! Good spelling and grammar. I do agree with the first guy that it needs to set the stage with a little more detail. There is one spelling mistake idk if anyone caught it but when he yells LEAVE! you spelled it LAVE.

 

Overall good will track!

 

That probably ruined it. i'll immediately change that, thanks for the feedback man.

I wouldn't mind being your editor, if you wouldn't mind my criticism. Truthfully, I would like to have an overly critical editor, because then I would know what to improve upon. My editor is very supportive, which I like, but still.

 

Okay, I read the third chapter (or second. Whatever.) A question itches at me now. SPOILER ALERT: Why didn't Celestia's mother just teleport them -all- out? This definitely needs to be addressed next chapter.

All in all, I'm honestly intrigued by this story. Keep it up, I want to know how Celestia handles this.

 

And could you do me a favor? I've asked for feedback, and have gotten none. Could you tell me what I'm doing wrong/right with this new story I'm doing? Anything that bugs you, (like the wall of text, if it does), tell me. Be overly critical, but point out the things you like so I can expand on that. If you could do this for me, it would be helpful. http://www.fimfictio...he-Eve-of-Chaos

 

Definitally. I'll have you as an editor, i would like an overly critical one aswell.

Looks like i got myself some reading material tonight.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Twilight_Scratch 13]

 

 

I wouldn't mind being your editor, if you wouldn't mind my criticism. Truthfully, I would like to have an overly critical editor, because then I would know what to improve upon. My editor is very supportive, which I like, but still.

 

Okay, I read the third chapter (or second. Whatever.) A question itches at me now. SPOILER ALERT: Why didn't Celestia's mother just teleport them -all- out? This definitely needs to be addressed next chapter.

All in all, I'm honestly intrigued by this story. Keep it up, I want to know how Celestia handles this.

 

And could you do me a favor? I've asked for feedback, and have gotten none. Could you tell me what I'm doing wrong/right with this new story I'm doing? Anything that bugs you, (like the wall of text, if it does), tell me. Be overly critical, but point out the things you like so I can expand on that. If you could do this for me, it would be helpful. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/57905/On-the-Eve-of-Chaos

 

Overall decent you should fix the format and make it more of a story and less of a big conversation. You used a narrator so you should use it more to add drama and set the scene so to speak. But it was good ill be waiting for chapter 2!

[Sneaky 54]

 

Overall decent you should fix the format and make it more of a story and less of a big conversation. You used a narrator so you should use it more to add drama and set the scene so to speak. But it was good ill be waiting for chapter 2!

 

Lol time to edit most of what I wrote for chapter 2... Glad you told me that though, before I wrote any more.

Thank you, I can finally set some priorities straight! And I think you'll enjoy chapter 2, it has some... humor, so to speak. The whole story really didn't turn out as dark as I had originally intended, but it's gonna get a bit more dramatic a little later. Watch and wait

[LightRaider 148]

Lol time to edit most of what I wrote for chapter 2... Glad you told me that though, before I wrote any more.

Thank you, I can finally set some priorities straight! And I think you'll enjoy chapter 2, it has some... humor, so to speak. The whole story really didn't turn out as dark as I had originally intended, but it's gonna get a bit more dramatic a little later. Watch and wait

 

 

I just finished reading yours. Really awesome concept, but the main thing that gets me is the form of it.

Like they he said, paragraphs.

[Sneaky 54]

 

 

 

I just finished reading yours. Really awesome concept, but the main thing that gets me is the form of it.

Like they he said, paragraphs.

 

That's how my proofreadet formats it. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that...

Did you get my message on FiMFiction? That's the account you should send the chapters in need of proofreading to. Unless you prefer e-mail or something else.

[LightRaider 148]

That's how my proofreadet formats it. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that...

Did you get my message on FiMFiction? That's the account you should send the chapters in need of proofreading to. Unless you prefer e-mail or something else.

 

yeah, i'll get them over to you really soon. Expect chapter 3 to be heading your way.

Then again i have the fanfiction contest, so that may take up some of my time.

[Sneaky 54]

 

http://mlpforums.com/topic/36630-mlp-forums-unofficial-fanfic-contest/

By the way, a topic in the fanfiction section now has 2 pages?

BLASPHEMY.

Might want to reserve a spot while you can, theres only 15 open i think.

 

Hm. This interests me, looks like something I want to do. Just wondering, what's 'shipping'? And yes, we have crossed a metaphorical boundary in this thread. I'm sorry, I'm tired, I probably sound so weird.

[LightRaider 148]

Hm. This interests me, looks like something I want to do. Just wondering, what's 'shipping'? And yes, we have crossed a metaphorical boundary in this thread. I'm sorry, I'm tired, I probably sound so weird.

 

We're on a massive community full of people who have a weird obsession with My Little Pony.

Yeah, talking about metaphorical boundaries is reaaaallly weird.

I really wish this board was more active.

[Sneaky 54]

 

 

We're on a massive community full of people who have a weird obsession with My Little Pony.

Yeah, talking about metaphorical boundaries is reaaaallly weird.

I really wish this board was more active.

 

Haha. Your use of sarcasm made me smile.

And believe me, that's an accomplishment considering how emotionally dead I am when I'm on the internet.

[LightRaider 148]

Haha. Your use of sarcasm made me smile.

And believe me, that's an accomplishment considering how emotionally dead I am when I'm on the internet.

 

Why thank you, that means alot to me. I usually try to be kinda comedic in my posts, but still serious when i need to be.

Soon enough this thread is going to have 3 pages.

The Google document link should be up within 5 minutes.

[Sneaky 54]

 

 

Soon enough this thread is going to have 3 pages.

 

I will make sure of that.

Oh, and check your messages on FiMFiction. I came up with some possible scenarios for why the sisters' mother did what she did. But really, those are last resorts. I'm sure you or I could think up something better, given time.