writing Each grain of sand

[Pan the Fabulous Ferret 2,642]

Live your life when you're next to me

See here now and all small things

Time that rearanges itself neatly in the confines of a glass dome.

Realizing, I hope, that each moment is of bliss, power, and sensuality

 

Feel the beat of eachother's hearts

Knowing now of future days, now is all that matters

Every moment matters

And time moves so fast

 

Falling now, don't you cry

I swore it would happen, and I said goodbye

Never knew just till then, of the power in every grain of sand.

 

 

 

 

-David Favret

 

 

 

 

If you couldnt guess, there is an allusion to an hourglass. Thus, the sand.

 

(PS:  I just realized that there was an unintentional rhyme.... )

Edited December 11, 2012 by TheBronyHeart

[#1 Flutterfan 174]

If you don't want critique feel free to skip my spoiler. Overall it's very good, I enjoy the idea of it--the last stanza is real heartfelt and strong and I think basing off of that this whole poem has a great potential to be so much more (not saying it isn't good already).

 

 

Minor spelling errors can be corrected with ease--a few awkward sentences. Personally, I have written long poems--and short poems. I now tend to prefer short poems. I think with this poem, specifically--that there should be some sort of "realization" of the poet. Starting out long and drawn out similar to line 3 and 4, so something along the lines of:

 

 

Live your life when you are next to me and you will see all the small things.

 

 

Time that rearranges itself neatly in the confines of a glass dome.

Realizing, I hope, that each moment is of bliss, power, and sensuality[...]

 

Then you continue--as usual. (Obviously just an example, don't need to take that) Once you move to the second stanza--I think it'd be nice if you "half way" through it noticed that "time is precious" and you needed to cut down on your words--because time is precious.

 

OR the other thing you may want, or like to do--is when you design your poem. You write it to the point where your post looks LIKE an hour glass--so it would be something like:

 

poniesponiesponiesponies

poniesponiesponies

poniesponies

ponies

pon

ies

ponies

poniesponies

poniesponiesponies

poniesponiesponiesponies

 

All in all--good poem.

 

[Pan the Fabulous Ferret 2,642]

If you don't want critique feel free to skip my spoiler. Overall it's very good, I enjoy the idea of it--the last stanza is real heartfelt and strong and I think basing off of that this whole poem has a great potential to be so much more (not saying it isn't good already).

 

 

Minor spelling errors can be corrected with ease--a few awkward sentences. Personally, I have written long poems--and short poems. I now tend to prefer short poems. I think with this poem, specifically--that there should be some sort of "realization" of the poet. Starting out long and drawn out similar to line 3 and 4, so something along the lines of:

 

 

Live your life when you are next to me and you will see all the small things.

 

 

Time that rearranges itself neatly in the confines of a glass dome.

Realizing, I hope, that each moment is of bliss, power, and sensuality[...]

 

Then you continue--as usual. (Obviously just an example, don't need to take that) Once you move to the second stanza--I think it'd be nice if you "half way" through it noticed that "time is precious" and you needed to cut down on your words--because time is precious.

 

OR the other thing you may want, or like to do--is when you design your poem. You write it to the point where your post looks LIKE an hour glass--so it would be something like:

 

poniesponiesponiesponies

poniesponiesponies

poniesponies

ponies

pon

ies

ponies

poniesponies

poniesponiesponies

poniesponiesponiesponies

 

All in all--good poem.

 

I apreciate the fact that you took the time to tell me all that...

 

But, in all honesty, this has top be one of the worst things I have written.

 

I wonder though, have you read any of my other work?

[#1 Flutterfan 174]

No but I'll have to look it up eventually today/this week. What makes it so bad in comparison, is it just the word choice, the awkward sentences? The meaning is what matters, structure and all that can change, meaning is the purpose, and if it's a good meaning, good overall, then you have the general grammar/structure such.

[Pan the Fabulous Ferret 2,642]

I doubt i would be able to explain, it goes beyond such simple things as what you stated, sorry.

 

 

if you ever are interested, here is a link to the first five compilations I have done.

http://mlpforums.com/blog/259/entry-1427-poetry-master-set-1/