writing Among the melancholy

[Ferret Girl 2,642]

Misplaced among barren lands of melancholy.

This strange, yet remarkable land, ever so beautiful in ways yet to be seen.

If life was to show its cruelty, then it did so here, with a crime of resounding strength.

 

Far away, over misty mountain tops and dreaming clouds awaits this land.

Yet still misplaced…

Among still, this melancholy.

Wrongly judged, and left to die.

For it seems that people, know not of the seeds they sow.

 

A blasphemous heart is all it takes to ruin unity.

Of this, the land I see, surely knows.

Ever pressing, the life receeds.

Time is the unwanted variable.

 

Of this land, I know not what for.

Of the trees in the wind, or the resting shores.

Of this land, this kingdom of peace.

Of a new age that has been sought.

 

Where, oh where has desire taken us?

 

-David Favret

Edited January 8, 2013 by TheBronyHeart

[Cinnamon bun 26]

Not bad, but a little bit all over the place.

It needs to be a little bit rephrased or clearer, I start missing the point at the end of verse 3

 

Question : are you a native english speaker? I'm saying that because of your name

 

If I my offer some advice:

try not to use too many lexical fields if they are not instrumental to your topic (the word "variable" sticks out ALOT)

you can forgo the complicated syntax since you're writing in prosa

There needs to be unity in the text. people have to get that it's still the same poem.

The implications of time, (somewhat peace) and desire are absent from the text.

 

Spelling oddities:

renounding strength.

did you mean resounding?

Among still, this melancholy.

"Among this melancholy, still" would make more sense

 

I hope you appriciate constructive criticism^^

[Ferret Girl 2,642]

Question : are you a native english speaker? I'm saying that because of your name

Yes, I am. However, I am quite curious as to how my name would bring up such a question.

 

 

 

If I my offer some advice: try not to use too many lexical fields if they are not instrumental to your topic (the word "variable" sticks out ALOT) you can forgo the complicated syntax since you're writing in prosa There needs to be unity in the text. people have to get that it's still the same poem. The implications of time, (somewhat peace) and desire are absent from the text.

 

The magical thing about poetry, is that there are an infinite number of meanings and ways of reading for every poem.  I do not declare this to be one of my best, not in the least. But I fail to see your implications because i must be reading it in a different tone, along with a larger understanding of the meaning behind it.

 

 

did you mean resounding?

  Yes. My spell check was malfunctioning.

"Among this melancholy, still" would make more sense

Perhaps it makes more sense. I prefer it the way it was written, as it was intentional.

 

 

 

I hope you appriciate constructive criticism^^

I do.

 

 

However, other then spelling errors, I never change my poems once they are written. 

 

I do hope though that you will take a look at some of my better pieces.

Edited January 8, 2013 by TheBronyHeart