Writing critique request: Do I know how to write or not?

[Wingnut 7,003]

Hello.

 

I recently composed an article for the thread “5 things you love about your favorite pony” and have since added it to my blog.

 

Please read it here:  http://mlpforums.com/blog/587/entry-2967-i-came-out-on-daas-a-brony-and-five-things-i-love-about-fluttershy/

 

I have received feedback from a few friends on it and they said it was beautiful and expertly written. But, with all due respect, these friends are average writers. So I've come here today to ask the real experts.

 

My main issue is that I haven't been in a classroom since the 1990s and I don't have a yardstick to judge my own ability by. But I never allow myself the luxury of thinking I'm a good writer to myself. No matter how good a person gets, there's always room for improvement.  One time at the beginning of a semester, my English professor asked us if we though we had good grammar. So we all wrote out a short composition and smugly turned them in. When he returned them later, they were ALL covered in a sea of red ink! I don't think a single student escaped unscathed. It was such a humbling experience. I had no clue how bad my grammar really was. And I know a lot of those bad grammar habits were never corrected.

 

It appears that most people here are interested in fanfiction writing.  A lot of help and critique for that kind of thing is readily available. I don't know if there is anybody here that can assist me with my current interest: Writing compelling, in-depth posts for Show Discussion and Sugarcube Corner. If I can bring my skills up to par, I'd also like to make submissions to Equestria Daily and other fansites in the future.

 

If this needs to be moved or merged with an existing thread, feel free to do so.

 

In closing, I want your honest opinion on how well I did, or didn't do,with “Five Reasons I Love Fluttershy.”  I also want to know if I succeeded in making it a moving experience for the readers. 

Edited February 3, 2013 by Wingnut

[Stellafera 3,836]

I think that your essay was very good and used a lot of nice turns of phrases and spicy similes to add some flavor. You also backed up your statements quite nicely, showing why you think each thing is true. I like your adjectives, as well. Makes things more exciting. 

 

If I were to give one suggestion to improve, in the second paragraph of your last point, your flow feels a little choppy at times. Maybe combine some sentences together? 

[Wingnut 7,003]

Thank you for your opinion. 

 

Simile? I used similes? It's been so long since I've heard that word, I've forgotten what it means. But I'm glad to hear I used them well. And thank you for reassuring me that I still have some talent, heh.

I wanted to deep six that one paragraph altogether, but I had to make the transition from Fluttershy's Cloudsdale days to the present somehow. To just jump from filly Rainbow Dash to explaining Fluttercry, Flutterrage, and Flutterbitch would be unacceptable.

 

I also wish I could have explained everything with less text. I cut 200 characters from the original version and it was still, honestly, too long for that thread. It irks me that the thread just dropped dead after I posted it. My goal was to spur conversation, not stifle it.

 

And, slightly off topic, but your own Applejack essay was well done also. In fact, it's too good to let it get buried and forgotten in that thread. I'd even suggest submitting it to Equestria Daily, if they are interested in this kind of material. Besides fanfics, I simply don't know what they like and don't like. If nothing else, please put a copy in your blog for safe keeping.

Edited February 4, 2013 by Wingnut

[H.P. Lance 138]

Well, you certainly left me in no doubt with regard to how much you love Fluttershy. You gave compelling arguements and didn't fall into the trap of making a list comprising twenty million points or so. It was just about concise enough so that the reader should actually take in what you're saying, instead of reading the words but not actually learning from them.

 

Still, I wouldn't go as far as your friends' praises; I think "expertly" is the wrong adverb to describe the way in which you wrote this.

 

Before I go any further, have you seen this thread before? You're more likely to get a better response if you paste your request in there, simply because everyone who posts advice and reviews within it - including myself - are experienced, consistent, and usually active on this site. You should be able to get some more critique over there, but of course it's up to you.

 

Now, the essay itself: speaking purely in strict grammatical terms, for the most part your writing is of sound grammar and you clearly understand which idiomatic phrases are acceptable to use when considering the tone in which this piece is intended. It's obvious that you did not want this to be overly formal, and you kept the style of writing consistent. 

 

One thing I will point out, however, is a slight inconsistency in your list-making. The introduction to every point you make (the sentences written in bold) are full sentences...except for point 2. All of the other introduction points make a clear statement, but point 2's intro contains no verb and you simply state an entity. Given the title of this essay, then it is admittely very obvious that you're going to subsequently compliment it, but this small niggle just pulls away from your consistency (and therefore to some extent from your professionalism) somewhat. This is the sort of thing I meant when I said that I don't judge this as being "expertly" done.

 

Oh, one other thing I noticed: in point 4, you say, "...she can be impeded by and, on occasion, paralyzed by fear of..." That word "by" which I've put in bold shouldn't be there. Again, this is a strict grammatical rule. Since both of the passive forms of the verbs you use are followed by the same preposition, there is no need to use "by" after the first verb...even with the "on occasion" part separating them. It's completely obvious what you're saying, but needlessly writing the preposition twice is generally considered bad practice. 

 

Now, just a couple of more opinionated points which I think would get the reader on your side to a greater extent.

 

1) Organisation of points:

 

A compliment, first of all: I think you made the right choice with putting the subject of point number 1 first. That Fluttershy is the Element of Kindness is an undisputable fact, one which is constantly referenced by the show itself. This is always a good starting point.

 

However, point number 3 has been misplaced, in my opinion. Point 3 is the opposite of point 1, a statement born of pure opinion. The worst thing you can do with these kind of points is put them first - which you didn't do - but then the next worst choice is thwacking them right in the middle of your argument, which you did do. It disrupts the flow to an uncomfortable extent and dissuades people from listening to anything else you have to say.

 

Regardless of the length of the list you're making, this sort of point made for a touch of light-heartedness should almost always go in the penultimate position, right before your final point (which should one of your best points, I might add).

 

2) Being an active narrator:

 

The title of this essay is "5 things I love Fluttershy." The build-up to your list of points is very much about you talking directly to the reader. It's not really about Fluttershy yet, but the point is that you're setting the scene. You use the pronouns "I" and "you" in this build-up, which is absolutely fine. The way you banter with the reader is good. 

 

But then in your actual list of points, you seem to deliberately degrade this and constantly use the pronoun "we" instead. It's fine to do this every now and again, but making it your only option of interaction with the reader makes it sound as though you're presuming things about them and trying to drag them into an opinion which they might not necessarily agree with, even after taking heed of your arguments. This often causes their respect for you to subconsciously diminish, meaning that they're less likely to agree with you and they might actually then try to actively pick out flaws in your reasoning to assure themselves that they're right. It's rude, but we're all guilty of it, so you need to minimise the chance of that happening.

 

By "being an active narrator", I mean you should continue to do more of what you did in the build-up and give your personal opinions more often. You list reams of endearing qualities about Fluttershy (and you list them well), but you never back that up with an opinion as to why it was a personally important quality to point out in the first place. Like I said before, your title is "5 things I love about Fluttershy." It's your feelings that you're conveying here; make them stand out! Just don't force them onto the reader.

 

Phew...that's about it. This might look like an all out attack on your writing technique, but they're just a few small points which, in the long run, often make the difference.

 

You did a good job here. The only way to get better is through practice, so if writing is something you're interested in, then make sure to do it often. And the thread to which I linked is always on hand to help, too.

 

Good luck!      

 

 

[Wingnut 7,003]

@,

 

This is my first visit to creative resources. This is also the first time I've had any of my writing undergo formal scrutiny since I was in college. I started a new thread because I didn't know if the proofreading thread was for fanfics only. And how do you keep everybody's submissions and reviews from getting jumbled?

 

The use of I in my introduction and we, for the most part, in the body of the essay is due to the fact that the intro was written exclusively for my DA friends. Failing to modify the essay itself to make it consistent with the opening is an oversight on my part. And I suffer from a bit of an “I” phobia in my writing. The use of I can be confrontational and I wanted a slightly confrontational tone in the opening to challenge people who don't know the truth about MLP:FiM. My overuse of “we” stems from my desire for a friendly atmosphere. 

 

I'll remember to be consistent with verbs and full sentences in the future. 

 

A number of things looked off to me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. The line “...she can be impeded by and, on occasion, paralyzed by fear of” always looked clumsy but it never dawned on me that the second, redundant “by” was the culprit. Thanks for catching that.

I never heard that putting an opinion in the middle of a list was a weak move. But I wanted it to go into either point 2 or 3 because I wanted to save the most powerful points for 4 and 5. Isn't the best practice to save the best for last? 

 

While I have your attention, tell me this. I know My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic is always italicized. When writing episode title names, do I use quotes or italics? I've seen a lot of people using italics on Magic Duel for example. But in college I always used quotes for episodes.

 

In these forums, should I ever be concerned that a post is too lengthy for a thread? Most posts in this thread were about 1,000 characters. A few more were verbose, up around the 3,000 character mark. Mine was a monster approaching 5,000. The thread died as soon as I posted it. More than likely the thread had run its course, but I wonder if the size of my post offended anybody.

 

“All out attack?”   You went easy on me. I've seen other people have their work ripped to shreds. I wasn't worried about that. My fundamentals are sound but I know my fine points need work. Thank you for the lengthy review.

Edited February 3, 2013 by Wingnut

[H.P. Lance 138]

@@Wingnut,

 

This was your first visit? I'm a little surprised, but maybe that's just because I spend too much time in there.    

As for the potential (un)suitability of your piece of writing in the thread I gave, it's true that most people submit their latest fanfic chapter for scrutiny by either myself, Kolth or the humble creator of the thread itself, Sky Warden. However, I hold no weight in what is considered "off-topic"; Sky Warden runs the place and is the one who tries to organise everyone's requests in a comprehensible fashion. Admittedly things can get a bit confusing, especially when there are a lot of requests at once, but there's little we can do about it. 

 

That said, Sky Warden is an extremely polite, thorough and helpful guy. He has kindly offered to give me advice as and when I request it with regard to the fanfic I am currently writing, along with brilliant co-author Kolth and my editor and proof-reader. 

Part of his thread's title is "Want some writing tips?" Nowhere does it mention that submissions should be limited to fanfictions, and in his opening post Sky Warden actually says "...ask any questions about writing..." You want a review of your writing technique and style, and I believe he will give you exactly that.

 

If you're still unsure, then I know he won't mind if you PM him personally about it; I'm confident in saying he'll be more than happy to help. Just tell him that I sent you.

 

You're welcome for the analysis. I understand what you're saying about using "we". I know it's difficult to scribe your opinions in emotionless text without sounding like you're a bit of a narcissist...getting to know the right dosage of your personal input will come with practice, as will doing so with subtlety. If your writing is naturally appeasing and your arguments flow seamlessly, you can give controlled amounts of opinion and the reader may find themselves automatically feeling inclined to lean in your favour.

 

Yes, in general it's advisable to put your short, snappy humour point as close to the end as possible without it actually being the last argument you make. You should save the best until last! 

 

I would strongly recommend using italics when quoting the name of a show, book, episode title or indeed any other work. Quoting is for...well, quotations. What people actually say should be put in quotation marks. The only other time you should really be using quotation marks is when you want to put emphasis on a particular word or phrase, often one which someone else has already said anyway. This should only be done in narrative writing and is usually implemented to serve as sarcasm and/or mocking, or sometimes used when a word gives a colloquial/simpler/crudely more literal description of something that is actually much more complicated than that word would suggest.

 

Putting emphasis on words in speech should be done by writing them in italics, even when implying sarcasm (unless they're quoting somebody word for word, in which case the quotation should be put in single quotes sandwiched inside the double quotes of the original speaker).

 

Which thread is "this thread" that died after you posted? Did the 5000 character total you were approaching include your actual work in the character count? And regardless, no one should be "offended" by the length of your post. In fact the longer your post, the more you can feel assured that anyone who responds is truly trying to give you the best advice possible. After all, they took the time to read it all! Don't worry about the lengths of posts. 

      

[Wingnut 7,003]

OK, I think you've given me enough info to try a revision. I'll submit it to the proofreading thread when it's ready. When I finally get around to it.

 

And I'm surprised to read that quoting episode titles is out of style. Even Wikipedia, which prides itself on presenting subjects in a current, scholarly manner, quotes titles. Read their list of MLP:FiM episodes, lol. Is this something new?  It seems to be teenagers who italicize titles for the most part around here. 

 

And since you asked, here's the thread I'm talking about:  http://mlpforums.com/topic/47958-5-things-you-love-about-your-favorite-pony/

 

It's one of those annoyances of forum life, but I do have a tendency to kill threads.  When I post my thoughts about things that truly stir me, I want do so in an expansive, essay like fashion.  My fear is that it looks like I'm "showing off" and it makes the next potential poster feel obligated to match what I just did. 

Edited February 4, 2013 by Wingnut