writing Tell me what you think of this

[Pony Of The Month 534]

Don't worry, this isn't a whole story, just the beginning of one. It's only 300 something words long. It's just the beginning of a web serial I'm working on. Please criticize.

 

NeverDieHappyLand! Episode 1: The Garden Of Existence

 

 

My creator didn't give me a family. He didn't give me an age either, so I'm not sure if I can consider myself a woman, or just a girl. He just named me Lilly and built me a house in the Garden Of Existence. This is the place where my creator, The Almighty Jarred, creates his most potential creations. 

 

He must be very lonely.

 

No, he is very lonely. Why else would he take the time to create a strange world like this? What'd he call it? NeverDieHappyLand? It's not a very promising name, but maybe it's just a joke.

 

I've only lived here for a few hours, and I can already tell, that it was created by a bored lonely man with an ego much bigger than even mine. Why is it called NeverDieHappyLand? Are the people here not allowed to die happy? And why do I live in a place called "The Garden Of Existence?" All I see are a bunch of trees, and my lonely house. I understand that this is where he creates his most potential creations, but why does this place have such a silly name?

 

 "Silly Lilly," he calls me "The creations from the Garden Of Existence are the only creations who can consider themselves existing." 

 

Now I'm even more confused than I was before.

 

"Which means that you are one of the few who can consider themselves to be a gift. You're a wonderful gift Lilly! NeverDieHappyLand has been waiting for a gift like you for thousands of years."

 

"But I haven't even done anything yet."

 

"Not yet, but you will." he says "Just go exploring, and see what happens."

 

"Where should I go?"

 

"Wherever the trees take you."

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

"Just follow the trees." He laughed. "You'll know what to do next." 

 

I still don't know what 'follow the trees' means, but I decided to walk in a random direction. If I get lost, it won't matter. I don't feel at home in that house anyways.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Flutterbass

[Red Diamond 549]

BRAVO, MAN. BRAVO.

I really love this story! I wish you good luck with this wonderful piece of art.

Edited March 21, 2013 by Night Light