Amnesia: Journey of self discovery (WIP)

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

Well this is the first fanfiction i have ever wrote, mainly i am making this thread to get feedback. i am aware that is is short, but that is because 1: it is a WIP. and 2:the chapters will be short. so if you read it, what do you think? 

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/98274/amnesia-journey-of-self-discovery

[WingMcCallister 368]

Conceptually, this could turn out quite interesting, so I'd like to see where you take it.

 

Grammatically, there are some things that should be fixed. Your capitalization needs to be checked in some spots -- particularly with I and with quotations. The punctuation with said quotation marks is a little off as well.  In general, they use the following structure of punctuation and capitalization:

"Greetings and salutations, XC," Wing said. He continued, "Hey, I read your stuff." 

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

Thanks for the feedback, I am a little bit grammatically challenged when it come to typing. I tend to write faster than my brain can type correct punctuation. I tried to go back and fix all of the "I" errors, but I seemed to have missed a few

[WingMcCallister 368]

Yeah, grammar can be a pain, but it can easily be improved. I also recommend reading your work aloud because it really helps nail down flow and all of that good stuff. 

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

Alright. Also my other big task is keeping the twist secret, I want to shock a lot of people I'm the story. I hope it don't obvious what will happen.

[WingMcCallister 368]

Well, that sort of thing will be far more apparent once you have more material out there. For that sort of thing, I find an outline helpful. You want to set up the twist in a way where it seems appealing to the arc of the story without blowing the cover.  

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

How in the HELL did you get this up?!  It's only 365 words, and yet the site states you're only allowed to put up a story that's at LEAST 1k words!

 

...I suppose that's beside the point.  Your story is laden with errors everywhere.  You indent paragraphs, and yet forget to space things.  You need to space in between paragraphs, properly capitalize areas, add in proper punctuation marks, and many other things.  Also, this really isn't a chapter.  There isn't much there to begin with, so it's hard to even critique this or give proper feedback.  I will show you how to correct your work though using something from your own story.  Your work in purple, mine in red.

 

 

I was sort of shocked at first, but then composed myself and said. "yea Im doing just fine... where am I exactly?"

 

I was shocked at first, but quickly composed myself.  "Yeah, I'm doing just fine," I said.  "Where exactly am I?

 

Another way to write this -

 

I was sort of shocked at first, but composed myself from reacting.  "Yeah, I'm doing just fine... where exactly am I?"

 

Also, your story should be capitalized.

 

Amnesia: Journey of self discovery

to

Amnesia: Journey Of Self Discovery

 

Same with your chapter titles.

 

It's hard to actually give you feedback like I said.  You don't really have a first chapter here, only the beginning of one.  All I can do is point out you need to fix your errors. 

 

Well... the only thing I can point out is that 'Buddy' acclimated to talking to a pony WAY too quickly.  Normally, a human would react to a pony that's both colorful, small, and talking with intelligence (a sapient equine) with a lot of curiosity and wonder.  Other reactions can be frightened or freaking out.  None of these happen.  It's like he went with it like a normal every day occurrence.  That's not a normal reaction, unless you're writing your character as being mentally challenged in some way, and I am putting that politely.  That's the only thing I'd recommend fixing.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Hazardus_Havard

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

How in the HELL did you get this up?!  It's only 365 words, and yet the site states you're only allowed to put up a story that's at LEAST 1k words!

 

...I suppose that's beside the point.  Your story is laden with errors everywhere.  You indent paragraphs, and yet forget to space things.  You need to space in between paragraphs, properly capitalize areas, add in proper punctuation marks, and many other things.  Also, this really isn't a chapter.  There isn't much there to begin with, so it's hard to even critique this or give proper feedback.  I will show you how to correct your work though using something from your own story.  Your work in purple, mine in red.

 

 

I was sort of shocked at first, but then composed myself and said. "yea Im doing just fine... where am I exactly?"

 

I was shocked at first, but quickly composed myself.  "Yeah, I'm doing just fine," I said.  "Where exactly am I?

 

Another way to write this -

 

I was sort of shocked at first, but composed myself from reacting.  "Yeah, I'm doing just fine... where exactly am I?"

 

Also, your story should be capitalized.

 

Amnesia: Journey of self discovery

to

Amnesia: Journey Of Self Discovery

 

Same with your chapter titles.

 

It's hard to actually give you feedback like I said.  You don't really have a first chapter here, only the beginning of one.  All I can do is point out you need to fix your errors. 

 

Well... the only thing I can point out is that 'Buddy' acclimated to talking to a pony WAY too quickly.  Normally, a human would react to a pony that's both colorful, small, and talking with intelligence (a sapient equine) with a lot of curiosity and wonder.  Other reactions can be frightened or freaking out.  None of these happen.  It's like he went with it like a normal every day occurrence.  That's not a normal reaction, unless you're writing your character as being mentally challenged in some way, and I am putting that politely.  That's the only thing I'd recommend fixing.

Alright well thanks for the Error feedback, i realized i had a lot of Errors, I'm using an offline tool to write this now, so hopefully the Errors wont be as much.

 

Also i never said that the Main Character was a human; actually i made it clear in the desc. that it was a stallion. im planning on elaborating of why he was shocked. (he wasnt shocked at a pony talking, but rather shocked because he didn't see her and was suprised.)

 

with the chapter length i was actually thinking of adding the 2nd chapter to the first chapter. this is still a WIP, after all. 

 

With the word limit i haven't submitted the work. i just gave out the link to check it out.

 

thank you for the feedback though. im hoping the second part of chapter 1 will make it a lot better.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Alright well thanks for the Error feedback, i realized i had a lot of Errors, I'm using an offline tool to write this now, so hopefully the Errors wont be as much.

 

Also i never said that the Main Character was a human; actually i made it clear in the desc. that it was a stallion. im planning on elaborating of why he was shocked. (he wasnt shocked at a pony talking, but rather shocked because he didn't see her and was suprised.)

 

with the chapter length i was actually thinking of adding the 2nd chapter to the first chapter. this is still a WIP, after all. 

 

With the word limit i haven't submitted the work. i just gave out the link to check it out.

 

thank you for the feedback though. im hoping the second part of chapter 1 will make it a lot better.

The only thing I must counter is that most people don't really care for a description or sometimes skip them, like I have.  You should do some descriptive writing in the first part to better show this to the reader.  A good way to do that is have Colgate talk to the pony and ask about him, describing him subtly in the process.  That will fill in the reader what he looks like without telling us (a clever way of showing us what he looks like) while also moving the story along.

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

The only thing I must counter is that most people don't really care for a description or sometimes skip them, like I have.  You should do some descriptive writing in the first part to better show this to the reader.  A good way to do that is have Colgate talk to the pony and ask about him, describing him subtly in the process.  That will fill in the reader what he looks like without telling us (a clever way of showing us what he looks like) while also moving the story along.

Hmmm i guess i could have done that sooner :/ . I had twilight do that in the second part of the first chapter. I also fixed the shocked part. now it sounds more like he was just surprised at a pony that has caught him off guard, rather than sounding like he was shocked that a pony was talking.

 

Also I actually could use a proof reader for my story, since this is my first attempt at a fanfic. would you be interested?

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 

I can take a gander every now and then to help point you in the right direction.  I've still got my own writing to do, which I've been slacking off since I feel a tad burnt out.  Writing around 8-10k words a chapter can do that to someone...

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

 

8-10k!?!?! holy smokes! i have a lot of work to do don't i? thanks for at least taking looks at it now and then. im going to need all the help i can get

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 

 

To be fair, some of my chapters are around 6k.  Of course, some of them are also 12-13k...  But yeah, I write lengthy stuff to add in a proper pace to it and some fun, interesting stuff.

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

To be fair, some of my chapters are around 6k.  Of course, some of them are also 12-13k...  But yeah, I write lengthy stuff to add in a proper pace to it and some fun, interesting stuff.

oh alright, i think im going to add chapters together to get length. im not the best at writing lengthy chapters. anyways i updated the story a little bit.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

oh alright, i think im going to add chapters together to get length. im not the best at writing lengthy chapters. anyways i updated the story a little bit.

 

Took a quick look to point out some errors.  Mind you, it's not all of them, but by fixing these it should be simple to fix the others. 

 

In the beginning, you forgot to indent the first part, and space the first three lines.  If you look back, you'll also see paragraphs and lines aren't spaced in other areas.

 

Colgate walked me around to all of the stores, all of the Food places, and even towards a forest that looked terrifying.

 

That line, along with the following lines, are not spaced properly.  You should go back and do just that.

 

X-X-X

 

The following doesn't need to be capitalized unless it's their names (which they aren't...)

 

They were Orange, Yellow, and White

 

X-X-X

 

If you continue a sentence, it needs to be properly punctuated.

 

“No..” I answered.

 

Instead of a period, (two of them, strange enough) you should use a comma.

 

“No,” I answered.

 

X-X-X

 

She turned to Colgate and asked, “how did you meet him?”

 

Unless it's a continuation of her talking from the sentence, that first part of her talking should be capitalized.  Also, present tensing of words (turns) should be used instead of past (turned) since it's happening at the moment in the story.  Same with asked (past) to asks (present)

 

She turns to Colgate and asks, "How did you meet him?"

 

X-X-X

 

5 feet

 

You should ALWAYS spell the numbers unless it's in special circumstances, like titles.

 

Five feet

 

X-X-X

 

That kind of was a let down, but I had wings! And that was cool!

 

Once again, this is in past.  You want present.

 

That's kind of a let down, but I have wings!  And that's cool!

(Note, I contracted the previous sentence.  That's is actually That is when not contracted)

 

X-X-X

 

It also appears like you're speed posting.  Don't do that.  Please, don't.  Take your time, look over your work, and then post.  There are many errors there that really shouldn't be there, and they're very easy to see.  You should be able to see them yourself.

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

Alright, thanks for the feedback. I think I'm just going to stop writing it. I'm not really the best writer, I wanted to see if I could do it, but it's actually turned into a lot more work than fun, and that's the whole point of writing a fanfic right? Anyways thanks for the help. I'll take a few days to think I I want to continue or not.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Alright, thanks for the feedback. I think I'm just going to stop writing it. I'm not really the best writer, I wanted to see if I could do it, but it's actually turned into a lot more work than fun, and that's the whole point of writing a fanfic right? Anyways thanks for the help. I'll take a few days to think I I want to continue or not.

By going out of your way to do the extra work, it helps the reader enjoy what you have written.  Don't you want people to enjoy your work?  Writing everything out can be some work, but the final result of having something that you wrote and can proudly admit to having done with others that enjoy reading it, that should be something to strive for.  So yes, it is a bit of work.  But the end result is worth the extra effort made.

 

A side benefit is improving your own writing.  You should really see how I first started out around six months or so ago.  I was horrible.  Now, I feel I might even be able to write a full length book.  So no, don't stop.  Just take some time in your writing.  No one's rushing you at all.

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

By going out of your way to do the extra work, it helps the reader enjoy what you have written.  Don't you want people to enjoy your work?  Writing everything out can be some work, but the final result of having something that you wrote and can proudly admit to having done with others that enjoy reading it, that should be something to strive for.  So yes, it is a bit of work.  But the end result is worth the extra effort made.

 

A side benefit is improving your own writing.  You should really see how I first started out around six months or so ago.  I was horrible.  Now, I feel I might even be able to write a full length book.  So no, don't stop.  Just take some time in your writing.  No one's rushing you at all.

Hmm alright, oh and by the way im trying not to speed update, i put all the edits up on there so fast because i really dont have another way to have someone proofread it.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Hmm alright, oh and by the way im trying not to speed update, i put all the edits up on there so fast because i really dont have another way to have someone proofread it.

 

https://drive.google.com/#my-drive

 

Go to that site, register, and place all your work there.  It allows other people to comment on your work so you can easily make changes.  It also works as a small proofer, telling you what words are incorrect.  Added bonus, after all the changes are made you can directly upload from that document (even the italics and other things) straight to FimFic.  That's what I use for my work when I need it proofed by some people I know. 

[~/XC- BRONY\~ 310]

https://drive.google.com/#my-drive

 

Go to that site, register, and place all your work there.  It allows other people to comment on your work so you can easily make changes.  It also works as a small proofer, telling you what words are incorrect.  Added bonus, after all the changes are made you can directly upload from that document (even the italics and other things) straight to FimFic.  That's what I use for my work when I need it proofed by some people I know. 

holy smokes this will work really well, thanks for showing this to me! ill have it up in a little bit with some fixes. once again thanks for showing me that

 

Alright so I got a lot of the grammatical errors, at least i think so, and i have the doc set up, i probably missed a few, or a lot, of mistakes. anyways here is the link

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kDQphydkLCViKvMnpNGhIoLg-vTr8bhSr7HFdzKkpNk/edit?usp=sharing

[WingMcCallister 368]

I really agree with Hazard's comments here. Sure, the point of writing a fanfic is to have a good time. It's a way for you to really get into something you love, but it's also important to take the effort to put out the best possible piece of work. Others will enjoy it more, and trust me when I say that when others enjoy your stuff, it brings a giddy sense of pride. What you absolutely shouldn't do is quit. Try to commit editing advice to memory so you don't make the same mistakes twice. Your writing will improve a great deal just by doing that. Also, be sure to read your work aloud before you post it. This is a simple way to catch errors. 

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

I really agree with Hazard's comments here. Sure, the point of writing a fanfic is to have a good time. It's a way for you to really get into something you love, but it's also important to take the effort to put out the best possible piece of work. Others will enjoy it more, and trust me when I say that when others enjoy your stuff, it brings a giddy sense of pride. What you absolutely shouldn't do is quit. Try to commit editing advice to memory so you don't make the same mistakes twice. Your writing will improve a great deal just by doing that. Also, be sure to read your work aloud before you post it. This is a simple way to catch errors. 

 

I'm currently helping with his story and if you stick around, you can see the updated version soon.  So yeah, when you get back online you should take a look.

[WingMcCallister 368]

Alright, if you head to the Fimfiction link the finished chapter is now up, if you want you can now head over there and check it out.

Infinitely better now than where it was before. With the majority of the editing things out of the way, it's much easier to focus on the story. There are a few things I'd recommend looking at though, and this is where reading aloud helps. You use look quite a bit. In fact, in one instance you use it twice in a short sentence. This should be something to keep in mind. A diverse vocabulary usually makes for good things. I also noticed that you like to hit up 'nod' a lot. Once again, synonyms can be good. 

 

However, the big plus here is that, with a little editing, the emphasis is now on the story and not the language. So the big question I ask myself as the reader at this point is: do I want to know what happens next? The answer is yes, which means you're in good shape.