Hey guys i'm seriosuly conserdering writing my own fan fiction

[Oblivion 20,266]

So I know this has been asked before on this forum and whatnot I just kinda wanna start another one to gather some ideas.

 

First of all I would like this to be mainly about Rainbow Dash and possibly have somewhat of a darker undertone to it yet not anywhere near what something like "Rainbow Factory" was. And I honestly can't think of something original that hasn't already been done at some point. Every time I think of something that I think is original I search it and it has already been done and over done. Well Think I should go for it with the help of your ideas?

 

Come on just start sending ideas my way so I can kinda get the feel for what I want that hasn't been overly done.

Come on guys I neeeeeed some ideas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to give this whole fan fiction writing thing a shot!!!!!!

Edited May 28, 2013 by buster500

[jackleapp81 456]

Maybe Rainbow Dash could go off to war where she is brought to her breaking point by the intensity of it all and the impersonal nature of what she is being asked to do. When she returns to Ponyville after several grueling months, her friends are heartbroken to discover that Rainbow has lost any semblance of her old self. Rainbow struggles to assimilate back into regular pony society, but after failing to do so, she decides to be a part of ponyville in the only way she knows how: By becoming a private vigilante.

 

But crime is low in Ponyville, so she decides to enlist the Diamond Dogs to antagonize the town's folk. They agree after Rainbow Dash promises to pay them handsomely in jewels. Rainbow Dash doesn't have any jewels for them, but it won't matter. She's going to eliminate them. PERMANENTLY. And publicly, so that the whole town will recognize her and accept her.

 

End of Chapter

 

The next chapter could go something like this: 

 

Instead of being pleased with Rainbow Dash, the denizens of Ponyville react as you would react if your pet dog brought a dead rabbit to you and set it on your lap.

AIYEEEEE!!!

 

They panic, and Rainbow Dash becomes feared, rather than loved.

 

-Énd of idea stream-

 

That's just something off the top of my head. I could come up with more, but it's getting late.  I have loads of ideas just rattling around in my head, so if you need any, just ask. I keep the really good ones to myself though, in case I end up writing a fanfiction one day. Believe me, I have a lot of time to ruminate on stories at my mind-numbing day job.

Edited May 28, 2013 by jackleapp81

[Midnight Blade 80]

Well, I do have an idea for a fanfiction (which came to me in a dream) but I'm writing it myself.

Maybe you can get ideas from dreaming, I'm not that creative to be honest, but I'd like to be a test reader if possible.

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 777]

I do not have ideas but merely suggestions. I'm assuming that you don't really have any experience and thus I'd highly suggest starting small for your first story. The reason why is because you need to get used to describing things to the reader along with learning how to create a good flow for the audience. An idea for a short story is a story of Rainbow Dash meeting up with Pinkie for the day which in turn becomes something more. I'm being as vague as I can on purpose mind you  

I'd also suggest visiting Writing with Sky Warden and Friend's so that you can gain some assistance with your fellow fanfic creators. 

Edited May 28, 2013 by Accellerant

[Sky Warden 2,243]

Did somepony say fried mushroom?

 

*looks around*

 

Oh... nope.

 

By the way, if you have some good stuff like the spicy one, you can tell me in that link @Accellerant posted (I didn't know you know my place). Sweet Celestia, why are mushrooms so bucking tempting?!

 

As for your story, keep asking yourself what if. Start with a small scene. Then rise the fire by asking "What if this happens here?" You will then find some possible events which may happen next. Then try to jump into one (usually the most interesting one) of them. Ask again. What if Obama works for the government? Then jump into another possibilities.

 

Jeep asking "What if..." Most people call it brainstorming, but I would prefer brain-bombing since it will create a mushroom-like effect when it explodes!!!

Edited May 28, 2013 by Sky Warden

[Oblivion 20,266]

I do not have ideas but merely suggestions. I'm assuming that you don't really have any experience and thus I'd highly suggest starting small for your first story. The reason why is because you need to get used to describing things to the reader along with learning how to create a good flow for the audience. An idea for a short story is a story of Rainbow Dash meeting up with Pinkie for the day which in turn becomes something more. I'm being as vague as I can on purpose mind you  

 

I'd also suggest visiting Writing with Sky Warden and Friend's so that you can gain some assistance with your fellow fanfic creators. 

Yea you see that's the problem I'm afraid I'll have is I'll start to tell the story and keep contradicting myself or keep forgetting key plot elements(plot holes)....Well at least I could always type down some detailed notes about the story line and what not to solve that problem.

 

Maybe Rainbow Dash could go off to war where she is brought to her breaking point by the intensity of it all and the impersonal nature of what she is being asked to do. When she returns to Ponyville after several grueling months, her friends are heartbroken to discover that Rainbow has lost any semblance of her old self. Rainbow struggles to assimilate back into regular pony society, but after failing to do so, she decides to be a part of ponyville in the only way she knows how: By becoming a private vigilante.

 

But crime is low in Ponyville, so she decides to enlist the Diamond Dogs to antagonize the town's folk. They agree after Rainbow Dash promises to pay them handsomely in jewels. Rainbow Dash doesn't have any jewels for them, but it won't matter. She's going to eliminate them. PERMANENTLY. And publicly, so that the whole town will recognize her and accept her.

 

End of Chapter

 

The next chapter could go something like this: 

 

Instead of being pleased with Rainbow Dash, the denizens of Ponyville react as you would react if your pet dog brought a dead rabbit to you and set it on your lap.

AIYEEEEE!!!

 

They panic, and Rainbow Dash becomes feared, rather than loved.

 

-Énd of idea stream-

 

That's just something off the top of my head. I could come up with more, but it's getting late.  I have loads of ideas just rattling around in my head, so if you need any, just ask. I keep the really good ones to myself though, in case I end up writing a fanfiction one day. Believe me, I have a lot of time to ruminate on stories at my mind-numbing day job.

Well the first half sounds a like "A Hero of War" http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22722/a-hero-of-war-unedited (Which by the way is a great story!) However the second part actually sounds fairly unique compared to some of my own ideas.

 

Well I think I'm just going to go for it. If it sucks it sucks at least then I'll learn from my mistakes. After the first chapter is posted I'll probably post on here if I think it is good enough.

 

Well here it is first chapter!!!

Rainbow Dash was headed over to Twilight Sparkles to return some Daring-Do books she had borrowed a few months back.

Just as she approached the library their was an earth shaking "BOOOOM!!!" Once she heard the deafening sound she new

what she had to do. With a quick thrust of her wings she sped over to the library and bucked the door open. She went inside

struggling to see past the dense smoke and settling debris before her. "Twilight! Twilight you in here" she yelled frantically

trying to spot her purple friend. A few moments of coughing through the smoke and searching, their was still no signs of the

purple unicorn. "Where in the hey could she have gone?" Rainbow Dash questioned to herself. "Wait The basement!!!" She

yelled in anticipation. Hoping for the best she flew down the stairs as fast as she could and bucked open the door to the

basement. Once the door swung open Rainbow was engulfed in a plume of smoke. With that she rose to the air and

started flapping her wings as hard as she could and the smoke finally started to dissipate. "finally, I can see" she said to

no pony but herself. But what she saw next made her jaw drop. At the back of the room their was what looked to be a

purple spiraling vortex of energy. "great what did that egghead get herself into this time" rainbow dash thought herself

"Well I better go in after her, I mean what better pony to send in other than the fastest flyer in Equestria". And with that

without any second thoughts she backed up and flew into the portal at full speed.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/106772/1/rainbow-sparkle/the-accident

 

 

 

[mycarhasaMoustache 449]

 

Yea you see that's the problem I'm afraid I'll have is I'll start to tell the story and keep contradicting myself or keep forgetting key plot elements(plot holes)....Well at least I could always type down some detailed notes about the story line and what not to solve that problem.

 

Well the first half sounds a like "A Hero of War" http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22722/a-hero-of-war-unedited (Which by the way is a great story!) However the second part actually sounds fairly unique compared to some of my own ideas.

 

Well I think I'm just going to go for it. If it sucks it sucks at least then I'll learn from my mistakes. After the first chapter is posted I'll probably post on here if I think it is good enough.

 

Well here it is first chapter!!!

Rainbow Dash was headed over to Twilight Sparkles to return some Daring-Do books she had borrowed a few months back.

Just as she approached the library their was an earth shaking "BOOOOM!!!" Once she heard the deafening sound she new

what she had to do. With a quick thrust of her wings she sped over to the library and bucked the door open. She went inside

struggling to see past the dense smoke and settling debris before her. "Twilight! Twilight you in here" she yelled frantically

trying to spot her purple friend. A few moments of coughing through the smoke and searching, their was still no signs of the

purple unicorn. "Where in the hey could she have gone?" Rainbow Dash questioned to herself. "Wait The basement!!!" She

yelled in anticipation. Hoping for the best she flew down the stairs as fast as she could and bucked open the door to the

basement. Once the door swung open Rainbow was engulfed in a plume of smoke. With that she rose to the air and

started flapping her wings as hard as she could and the smoke finally started to dissipate. "finally, I can see" she said to

no pony but herself. But what she saw next made her jaw drop. At the back of the room their was what looked to be a

purple spiraling vortex of energy. "great what did that egghead get herself into this time" rainbow dash thought herself

"Well I better go in after her, I mean what better pony to send in other than the fastest flyer in Equestria". And with that

without any second thoughts she backed up and flew into the portal at full speed.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/106772/1/rainbow-sparkle/the-accident

 

 

 

On fimfiction you need to fix the double missed lines between every sentence and sometimes mid sentence. Also that is way to short to be a chapter.

[DJRainbowDash 724]

Simply put, even if the idea may not be original, if you write well enough and tell a really entertaining story, all is okay in this case.

[SparkBrony 379]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! An aspiring writer!

 

Well, if you need any help proofreading, , just ask me or @Sky Warden. As for ideas, how about...hmm...well, what kind of story were you thinking of writing?

[Katella Avenue 28]

Also that is way to short to be a chapter.

 

Not necessarily. Chapters can be short for stylistic purposes, and the chapter does have a logic to it, a singular event and it's bridge into the next possible event (the next chapter). 

 

Okay, I'm going to just say that you need some kind of proofreader. 'There' was an earth shaking explosion, not 'their'. Punctuation issues abound. Etc. etc. 

 

Consider writing style. This is an action scene, for all intents and purposes. An explosion just happened, a character is reacting in the moment. The descriptions should be dramatic, the actions Rainbow makes (kicking down the door) should be visceral. Get into the character's head, too. What does Rainbow think? She just heard an explosion in her friend's house, after all, she should be surprised, or possibly exasperated if this is a regular occurrence in Twilight's house. The way you write, the way you depict the characters, that determines how the reader is going to react to what you've written. It's just too generic right now, not engaging. 

 

I can give you specific ideas, hints, and so on if you ask, but this is just my general take on it. 

[Oblivion 20,266]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! An aspiring writer!

 

Well, if you need any help proofreading, , just ask me or @Sky Warden. As for ideas, how about...hmm...well, what kind of story were you thinking of writing?

I already got started. So far I am writing a Rainbow-sparkle Fic. And well check it out! it's kinda bland so far but i'm planning on writing a quite a few chapters.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/106772/1/rainbow-sparkle/the-accident

[Darkshift 85]

The best ideas are the ones you come up with this is because you will genuinely love the idea and feel a lot more pride in your fan fiction also your own idea will inspire you to keep going even when you cannot be bothered.

[Sky Warden 2,243]

@@Darkshift, is right. Half of being a writer is to craft a story, the other half is to forge it to your paper. That's why I just gave you advices on burning your own ideas, instead of giving you ideas. I can teach you how to fish, or I can give you a fish. The thing is, can you survive without me in the wild that way?

[Oblivion 20,266]

Not necessarily. Chapters can be short for stylistic purposes, and the chapter does have a logic to it, a singular event and it's bridge into the next possible event (the next chapter). 

 

Okay, I'm going to just say that you need some kind of proofreader. 'There' was an earth shaking explosion, not 'their'. Punctuation issues abound. Etc. etc. 

 

Consider writing style. This is an action scene, for all intents and purposes. An explosion just happened, a character is reacting in the moment. The descriptions should be dramatic, the actions Rainbow makes (kicking down the door) should be visceral. Get into the character's head, too. What does Rainbow think? She just heard an explosion in her friend's house, after all, she should be surprised, or possibly exasperated if this is a regular occurrence in Twilight's house. The way you write, the way you depict the characters, that determines how the reader is going to react to what you've written. It's just too generic right now, not engaging. 

 

I can give you specific ideas, hints, and so on if you ask, but this is just my general take on it. 

Rainbow dash flew down the stairs at blistering speeds. As she approached the door her heart started to pound a mile a minute with anticipation of what she would find on the other side. Was her friend alright? what would she find once she entered?...no none of that mattered now the only two words that came to mind now was "save Twilight" From whatever monster created this mess. With Incredible force Rainbow dash smashed through the door and into the basement knocking her silly in the process. Once Rainbow fully recovered from the enormous impact  and the smoke started to dissipate Rainbow discovered that that Monster wasn't a monster at all but a single purple vortex spiraling in the center of the room. "Whats this" Rainbow Dash questioned to herself. Whatever it was she knew her Unicorn friend was more than likely inside. "as much as I'd like to get the other four, this thing could close up at any moment and who knows what type of trouble that egghead could be in in the mean time" Dash sat back and contemplated to herself for a second. "guess theirs no time to wait. Hold on Twilight HERE I COME!!!" and with that Rainbow Dash charged head first into the unknown without a second thought holding her down.

 

 

Kinda like this? 

 

@@Darkshift, is right. Half of being a writer is to craft a story, the other half is to forge it to your paper. That's why I just gave you advices on burning your own ideas, instead of giving you ideas. I can teach you how to fish, or I can give you a fish. The thing is, can you survive without me in the wild that way?

Yea you make a really good point! I keep going on how I want my story to be original yet I keep asking for ideas in the process therefor If i use other peoples ideas it wouldn't be original at all....Well original to someone but not original to me! Thank you you brought up a very interesting point.    

[~Luminiferous Ether~ 107]

Rainbow Dash accidentally kills Scootaloo in a flying accident, Dashie gets sent to jail and has to deal with the accident her entire life, the fanfic could be the aftermath.

[Oblivion 20,266]

Okay so here is my new and improved chapter 1!

 

 

Rainbow Dash was headed over to Twilight Sparkle's to return some Daring-Do books she had borrowed a few months back. Just as she approached the library there was an earth-shaking "BOOOOM!!!" Once she heard the deafening sound she knew what she had to do. With a quick thrust of her wings she sped over to the library and bucked the door open. She went inside, struggling to see past the dense smoke and settling debris before her.

"Twilight? Twilight you in here?" she yelled frantically, trying to spot her purple friend. Now their have been many explosions at the library before. But something about this one just didn't feel right and was almost sending chills down Dashes spine, the longer she searched the more hopeless the situation started to seem. "Twilight Twilight you in her ANSWER ME EGGHEAD!!!" Dash screamed at the top of her lungs. But the effort was in vain their was no sign of Twilight or even a clue as to where the purple mare could have gone. Just as dash thought she had searched everywhere a new thought crossed her mind. "The basement!" She yelled in excitement. As she headed for the stairway that lead down to Twilight's lower layers.

 

 

      Rainbow dash flew down the stairs at blistering speeds. As she approached the door her heart started to pound a mile a minute with a strong sense of dread of what she would find on the other side. Was her friend alright? what would she find once she entered?...no none of that mattered now the only two words that came to mind now was "save Twilight" From whatever monster created this mess. With Incredible force Rainbow Dash smashed through the door and into the basement knocking her silly in the process. Once Rainbow fully recovered from the enormous impact  and the smoke started to dissipate Rainbow discovered that Monster wasn't a monster at all but instead a single purple vortex spiraling in the center of the room. "Whats this" Rainbow Dash questioned to herself. Whatever it was she knew her Unicorn friend was more than likely inside. "as much as I'd like to get the other four, this thing could close up at any moment and who knows what type of trouble that egghead could be in in the mean time" Dash sat back and contemplated to herself for a second. "guess theirs no time to wait. Hold on Twilight HERE I COME!!!" and with that Rainbow Dash charged head first into the unknown without a second thought holding her down.

 

 

 

tell me what you think and be honest!

Edited May 29, 2013 by buster500

[Katella Avenue 28]

Proofread in spoilers:

 

 

Rainbow Dash was headed over to Twilight Sparkle's to return some Daring-Do books she had borrowed a few months back. Just as she approached the library there was an earth-shaking (don't need quotations around an interjection) BOOOOM!!!! Once she heard the deafening sound she knew what she had to do. With a quick thrust of her wings she sped over to the library and bucked the door open. She went inside, struggling to see past the dense smoke and settling debris before her.

"Twilight? Twilight you in here?" She yelled frantically, trying to spot her purple friend. Now there had been many explosions at the library before. But something about this one just didn't feel right and was almost sending chills down Dashes' spine, the longer she searched the more hopeless the situation started to seem. "Twilight? Twilight, you in here? ANSWER ME EGGHEAD!!!" Dash screamed at the top of her lungs. But the effort was in vain. There was no sign of Twilight, or even a clue as to where the purple mare could have gone. Just as Dash thought she had searched everywhere a new thought crossed her mind. "The basement!" She yelled in excitement (eliminated a weird sentence break here) as she headed for the stairway that led down to Twilight's lower layers (that is some awkward description right there).

 

 

      Rainbow Dash flew down the stairs at blistering speeds. As she approached the door her heart started to pound a mile a minute with a strong sense of dread of what she would find on the other side. Was her friend alright? What would she find once she entered...? No, none of that mattered now. The only two words that came to mind now were (this whole sentence is weird and I have no clue how to fix it without rewriting it) "save Twilight" From whatever monster created this mess. With incredible force Rainbow Dash smashed through the door and into the basement, knocking herself silly in the process. Once Rainbow fully recovered from the enormous impact and the smoke started to dissipate, Rainbow discovered that the (?) Monster wasn't a monster at all, but instead a single purple vortex spiraling in the center of the room. "What's this?" Rainbow Dash questioned to herself. Whatever it was she knew her Unicorn friend was more than likely inside. "As much as I'd like to get the other four, this thing could close up at any moment. and Who knows what type of trouble that egghead could be in, in the mean time?" Dash sat back and contemplated to herself for a second. "Guess there's no time to wait. Hold on Twilight, HERE I COME!!!" And with that Rainbow Dash charged head first into the unknown without a second thought holding her down.

 

 

 

 

You need a proofreader. And as much as I love you, it won't be me cause I ain't got no time for that. Here's what I will say.

 

It is still generic writing. What gives a writer a voice is their detail, the way they establish a character and setting for their readers. In your case you've got some minor stuff going down, but there's mostly just exposition, and that's drab. Any number of things could be added. Some thoughts on Rainbow Dash on why she got the books, why she's returning them now of all times, for example. Perfect chance to add a little comedic flair. But it's all about intent. You might just omit the reason for her coming to Twilight's house at all. Just jump right into the action, give us exposition later. Give us short choppy sentences to simulate the flow of an action scene. We need vivid imagery. The inside of the house, how was it affected. Show don't tell will also help out. Rainbow doesn't 'feel' anxiety', 'her heart races, her eyes flick about the room in a frenzy'. That's more interesting to read.

 

So determine what you want us as readers to be feeling at the moment in your narrative, then sharpen up your writing style so that it invokes those reactions in us. I'm going to go ahead and rewrite your second paragraph, and explain my choices afterward:

 

 

 

"Twilight?" Rainbow's eyes shot about the empty room. Nothing but scattered books on their spines and blankets of dust. "Twilight, you in here?!" Rainbow couldn't spot her. This was a pretty regular occurrence, no questioning it. But nothing on this scale. Rainbow had never arrived to a quiet house with no lights. Celestia forbid she find books sitting out of place without Twilight or Spike attending to them. A trill of fear shot down Rainbow's spine; she broke into a quick trot around the home. Kitchens, empty. Bedroom, empty. Bathroom, empty. More settled dust, more tables thrown over and books in heaps. Dash gulped in spite of herself, licked at her suddenly dry lips as she cast her eyes about in hopes for a miracle. She had to be here. "Twilight?" Had to be. "Twilight, you in here?" Somewhere, anywhere. "Answer me you egghead!" The last resort insult. Nothing but the floorboards creaking, mocking her. No visions of purple, no twinkling know-it-all voice. She had searched everywhere. Nothing.

 

 

 

- The sentences are shorter on purpose, to throw breaks into the flow of ideas that shift the readers attention about abruptly, which simulates an action scene with a lot going on well. I didn't invoke it too much, no two word sentences or anything like that, but commas and long sentences relax the flow, make it smoother, and that makes the scene less urgent. Hence I keep my sentences short, one idea expressed only.

 

- Description description! In an action scene a lot of adjectives will slow the pace down (this may also be just what you want, think horror fic and how much attention is lavished onto every little creepy thing out of place), but at least give us some idea of the lay out of the place! Describe Rainbow, don't tell us what she's feeling, show us! Give us actions, verbs, that helps speed up the pace too.

 

- Finally the two/three word fragments I threw in near the end help evoke an idea of desperation. No time to think, just monosyllabic thoughts. I have to. I gotta. She's here. She's here. She's not here. What now? Keeps in with the pace, expresses Rainbow's emotions. 

 

Now this is hardly the best I could do, but I hope you get some idea of how to improve your writing style. Show don't tell and more detail overall, but with deliberation! Chose your details to affect us and make the story flow the way you want it to. One way to go about it: Try picturing the scene in your head like a movie. What details stand out? Elaborate on those, and try to write the way the picture in your head flows. 

[SparkBrony 379]

Rainbow Dash accidentally kills Scootaloo in a flying accident, Dashie gets sent to jail and has to deal with the accident her entire life, the fanfic could be the aftermath.

 ......That's pretty damn dark. And sad!

 

Anyway, I see you revamped the first chapter...better now, although it still needs some editing on line spacing. But I see you're making progress

[Oblivion 20,266]

Proofread in spoilers:

 

 

Rainbow Dash was headed over to Twilight Sparkle's to return some Daring-Do books she had borrowed a few months back. Just as she approached the library there was an earth-shaking (don't need quotations around an interjection) BOOOOM!!!! Once she heard the deafening sound she knew what she had to do. With a quick thrust of her wings she sped over to the library and bucked the door open. She went inside, struggling to see past the dense smoke and settling debris before her.

"Twilight? Twilight you in here?" She yelled frantically, trying to spot her purple friend. Now there had been many explosions at the library before. But something about this one just didn't feel right and was almost sending chills down Dashes' spine, the longer she searched the more hopeless the situation started to seem. "Twilight? Twilight, you in here? ANSWER ME EGGHEAD!!!" Dash screamed at the top of her lungs. But the effort was in vain. There was no sign of Twilight, or even a clue as to where the purple mare could have gone. Just as Dash thought she had searched everywhere a new thought crossed her mind. "The basement!" She yelled in excitement (eliminated a weird sentence break here) as she headed for the stairway that led down to Twilight's lower layers (that is some awkward description right there).

 

 

      Rainbow Dash flew down the stairs at blistering speeds. As she approached the door her heart started to pound a mile a minute with a strong sense of dread of what she would find on the other side. Was her friend alright? What would she find once she entered...? No, none of that mattered now. The only two words that came to mind now were (this whole sentence is weird and I have no clue how to fix it without rewriting it) "save Twilight" From whatever monster created this mess. With incredible force Rainbow Dash smashed through the door and into the basement, knocking herself silly in the process. Once Rainbow fully recovered from the enormous impact and the smoke started to dissipate, Rainbow discovered that the (?) Monster wasn't a monster at all, but instead a single purple vortex spiraling in the center of the room. "What's this?" Rainbow Dash questioned to herself. Whatever it was she knew her Unicorn friend was more than likely inside. "As much as I'd like to get the other four, this thing could close up at any moment. and Who knows what type of trouble that egghead could be in, in the mean time?" Dash sat back and contemplated to herself for a second. "Guess there's no time to wait. Hold on Twilight, HERE I COME!!!" And with that Rainbow Dash charged head first into the unknown without a second thought holding her down.

 

 

 

 

You need a proofreader. And as much as I love you, it won't be me cause I ain't got no time for that. Here's what I will say.

 

It is still generic writing. What gives a writer a voice is their detail, the way they establish a character and setting for their readers. In your case you've got some minor stuff going down, but there's mostly just exposition, and that's drab. Any number of things could be added. Some thoughts on Rainbow Dash on why she got the books, why she's returning them now of all times, for example. Perfect chance to add a little comedic flair. But it's all about intent. You might just omit the reason for her coming to Twilight's house at all. Just jump right into the action, give us exposition later. Give us short choppy sentences to simulate the flow of an action scene. We need vivid imagery. The inside of the house, how was it affected. Show don't tell will also help out. Rainbow doesn't 'feel' anxiety', 'her heart races, her eyes flick about the room in a frenzy'. That's more interesting to read.

 

So determine what you want us as readers to be feeling at the moment in your narrative, then sharpen up your writing style so that it invokes those reactions in us. I'm going to go ahead and rewrite your second paragraph, and explain my choices afterward:

 

 

 

"Twilight?" Rainbow's eyes shot about the empty room. Nothing but scattered books on their spines and blankets of dust. "Twilight, you in here?!" Rainbow couldn't spot her. This was a pretty regular occurrence, no questioning it. But nothing on this scale. Rainbow had never arrived to a quiet house with no lights. Celestia forbid she find books sitting out of place without Twilight or Spike attending to them. A trill of fear shot down Rainbow's spine; she broke into a quick trot around the home. Kitchens, empty. Bedroom, empty. Bathroom, empty. More settled dust, more tables thrown over and books in heaps. Dash gulped in spite of herself, licked at her suddenly dry lips as she cast her eyes about in hopes for a miracle. She had to be here. "Twilight?" Had to be. "Twilight, you in here?" Somewhere, anywhere. "Answer me you egghead!" The last resort insult. Nothing but the floorboards creaking, mocking her. No visions of purple, no twinkling know-it-all voice. She had searched everywhere. Nothing.

 

 

 

- The sentences are shorter on purpose, to throw breaks into the flow of ideas that shift the readers attention about abruptly, which simulates an action scene with a lot going on well. I didn't invoke it too much, no two word sentences or anything like that, but commas and long sentences relax the flow, make it smoother, and that makes the scene less urgent. Hence I keep my sentences short, one idea expressed only.

 

- Description description! In an action scene a lot of adjectives will slow the pace down (this may also be just what you want, think horror fic and how much attention is lavished onto every little creepy thing out of place), but at least give us some idea of the lay out of the place! Describe Rainbow, don't tell us what she's feeling, show us! Give us actions, verbs, that helps speed up the pace too.

 

- Finally the two/three word fragments I threw in near the end help evoke an idea of desperation. No time to think, just monosyllabic thoughts. I have to. I gotta. She's here. She's here. She's not here. What now? Keeps in with the pace, expresses Rainbow's emotions. 

 

Now this is hardly the best I could do, but I hope you get some idea of how to improve your writing style. Show don't tell and more detail overall, but with deliberation! Chose your details to affect us and make the story flow the way you want it to. One way to go about it: Try picturing the scene in your head like a movie. What details stand out? Elaborate on those, and try to write the way the picture in your head flows. 

Thank you so much for the constructive criticism...lol you can tell this is my first time writing ANYTHING that I didn't have to for school purposes, So I'm pretty much a fan fiction writer in training. Yea I never expected the first story to be anything to good but at least it'll get me some well needed practice!