OC Writing Help

[Jeddaven 42]

Lately, I've started writing my first real pony OC (a male unicorn, to be exact), but I can't really seem to get my word count past 600 words. I sorely need a more experienced OC writer here, to help me expand on my character's history. Oh, and assuming I'm allowed to, I am willing to provide payment.

[Umbreon 569]

I love creating characters in my free time, I would be willing to lend my advice if you'd like.  What do you already have decided for your character?  Feel free to message me if you don't want to put it all out here, I'd be happy to see what I could suggest.

[Jack Spades 162]

I'll try to help as much as I can. You don't need to pay me. and every day I scan the character database to judge other OCs to see if there're original. 

[Nomadic 210]

I enjoy creating characters, albeit most of them are only written on paper, and I would gladly help you if I can. Also, I wouldn't need any payment.

[Jeddaven 42]

Well, this is what I have so far in the backstory. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, I'm writing him up to season 2, since that's when the RP he's for takes place. I plan to use him otherwise, though, so he doesn't normally have any actual relationship with Rarity to speak of unless he's in an RP that calls for it.

 

Background: Shining Prism led a fairly cushy high-class life, sent to only the most prestigious Unicorn academies. He was spoiled almost constantly by his parents, though he often found much more interest in his studies than the wealth of toys and trinkets his parents showered him with since birth. It only fit him that he was so, as he was a very skilled spellcaster;a prodigy of sorts. When in the academy, as a child, he quickly began to become jealous of a certain unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. From what he heard, she pretended to be unable to hatch a dragon egg, suddenly did so, was accepted into the academy, and quickly became Celestia’s apprentice, a position which was rather prestigious in the world of spellcasting. What Shining Prism saw it as, though, was a series of purely lucky events that lead to Twilight Sparkle jumping on the fast track to magic power and ability. His parents were still incredibly proud of him, though, and only encouraged him to follow whatever path he would find the most productive, useful, and suited to him. As his father always said, “Never tell someone to do something they can’t, when someone else can. It’s a waste of everyone’s time and bits. Ponies have Cutie Marks for a reason.”

       

Once he had graduated from Celestia's Academy for Gifted Unicorns, he immediately entered to work of magic-related sciences and technology, spending additional years apprenticing under a number of court wizards and inventors, only serving to further his knowledge and skills. Early after completing his apprenticeships, he struck out to Manehattan, and started his own business as an inventor and purveyor of magic technologies.

Shining Prism's business boomed along with his wealth, much like his father's. He quickly became wealthy and relatively famous within the field(s) of technology, biology, and magic, though he always held a strong disdain for Twilight Sparkle - believing that the sole reason she was so skilled was because she was coddled by Princess Celestia, whom he never believed to be terrible powerful due to her recent string of defeats; he never fully trusted or respected her or her sister, Princess Luna, though he believed that they (usually) had the best interests of their ponies (and whatever else lived in Equestria in mind. In most cases, that is.

Being as wealthy as he was, Shining Prism found it rather easy to get a ticket for the Grand Galloping Gala, though he honestly found the entire affair to be boring, and only attended to establish connections and some political ‘oomph’ in the Unicorn upper-class. That was until, while at the Gala, he heard an angelic voice behind him. When he turned, he laid eyes upon the most beautiful sight he ever saw. A single, female unicorn - her eyes like the finest sapphires, her coat white like the newfallen, powdered snow, her flowing mane lavender and fragrant just like the very plants themselves. She was, in his mind, the most alluring of perfections, and all it took was but a single glance. In a near-instant, Shining Prism had fallen deeply in love, but, before he could greet the beauty, she had left on the forelock of Prince Blueblood, but Shining Prism would not allow himself to be defeated. He put everything he could muster into expanding his business, if only to better impress Rarity.

[Nomadic 210]

Ok, so I just looked over the backstory, and I have a few things you possibly should address.

1. His name. Sorry if this sounds picky, but you should really choose a different adjective instead of Shining for two main reasons. First, it is an adjective used by a relatively important character to the show's central mythos. Two, your character already has somewhat of a connection to Shining Armor, due to the fact he has hatred for Twilight, and a possible love interest in Rarity both of which who know the character directly. I would suggest just take a cursory glance at a Thesaurus and use a synonym to Shining. Personally, I think something like Radiant Prism would be a good fit.
2. Relationships to other characters. We don't know anything about his connection to the his family or with the world around him, excluding him being wealthy. Furthermore, you never fully explain why he has distrust for Celestia or Luna, it seems thrown in. A little bit of elaboration for some of this would really help.
3. The backstory seems a little jumpy a points. This only seems to be an issue with the last chunk, and I think is just due to formatting, but still it's noticeable.
4. Connection to the Mane cast. I have no issue with this personally, but if your wishing to take the character into other RP's once done with your current one. It can make it hard to work into another RP that focuses around the Mane cast, especially since it is such a major part of his character motivation. Otherwise, you can ignore this point.

If you wish to expand upon the character at mainly, I would say to add more detail to what directly happened after he graduated. What were some memorable events that occurred during this time period, how did these events broaden his skills, did they change his perception towards certain things?

 

Overall, I think you really have a strong basis for a character that seems to need just a little more focused backstory. Also, I didn't mention it, but I was curious do you have a personality profile planned out for him yet?

[Jeddaven 42]

Ok, so I just looked over the backstory, and I have a few things you possibly should address.

 

• His name. Sorry if this sounds picky, but you should really choose a different adjective instead of Shining for two main reasons. First, it is an adjective used by a relatively important character to the show's central mythos. Two, your character already has somewhat of a connection to Shining Armor, due to the fact he has hatred for Twilight, and a possible love interest in Rarity both of which who know the character directly. I would suggest just take a cursory glance at a Thesaurus and use a synonym to Shining. Personally, I think something like Radiant Prism would be a good fit.
• Relationships to other characters. We don't know anything about his connection to the his family or with the world around him, excluding him being wealthy. Furthermore, you never fully explain why he has distrust for Celestia or Luna, it seems thrown in. A little bit of elaboration for some of this would really help.
• The backstory seems a little jumpy a points. This only seems to be an issue with the last chunk, and I think is just due to formatting, but still it's noticeable.
• Connection to the Mane cast. I have no issue with this personally, but if your wishing to take the character into other RP's once done with your current one. It can make it hard to work into another RP that focuses around the Mane cast, especially since it is such a major part of his character motivation. Otherwise, you can ignore this point.

If you wish to expand upon the character at mainly, I would say to add more detail to what directly happened after he graduated. What were some memorable events that occurred during this time period, how did these events broaden his skills, did they change his perception towards certain things?

 

Overall, I think you really have a strong basis for a character that seems to need just a little more focused backstory. Also, I didn't mention it, but I was curious do you have a personality profile planned out for him yet?

1. I should've addressed this earlier, but I guess I should probably consider making a second version of my backstory that excludes connections to the Mane 6 entirely, and I think I will change his name to radiant prism.

 

2. I've thought about it a bit, and I guess I now have some more solid reasons for him to distrust Celestia and especially Luna, namely, Luna having been Nightmare Moon at one point, and Celestia having put her trust in her sister so quickly after she had been the aforementioned villain. Distrust by extension, I guess.

 

3. Another thing I should mention is that the RP I created him for is very strongly bared on PoorYorickDA's Equestria divided. The character in question is one of Rarity's more obsessive lovers (out of many, mind you, so nothing special in the context of the RP). He joins a party of the other characters who have been called to a certain village by voices in their dreams because the aforementioned voices promised him a way to free Rarity from a curse than turned part of her body into living crystal and because the voices promised him a way to prove himself to her. In essence, to finally realize the desire for her he's had for so long. Whether that will actually happen or not is something I'm unsure of. Further detailing his personality profile, though, he's very particular about who he interacts with since he's a generally cautious pony, but, at the same time, once he's dedicated to something, he gets -very- dedicated to it. That, and while he is a relatively shrewd businessman, he's not immoral or a villain by any stretch of the imagination. On the D&D alignment scale, he's neutral, leaning good.