My first FiM-Fic.

[Natasha 56]

This is just a rough first pitch of my FiM-Fic, if you guys want, could you please give me some criticism. I am a horrible proof reader. But I hope you like it.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/137218/youll-be-here-in-my-heart

 

It's about Fluttershy entering the human world and meeting me.

 

No sexual things, to violence. Just a story i have been cooking for for a little while.

 

If you can't get to it then just wait, the submission may be taking a bit longer than I anticipated.

Edited October 8, 2013 by Pyris

[DiscordAnarchy 770]

 

This is just a rough first pitch of my FiM-Fic, if you guys want, could you please give me some criticism. I am a horrible proof reader. But I hope you like it.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/137218/youll-be-here-in-my-heart

 

It's about Fluttershy entering the human world and meeting me.

 

No sexual things, to violence. Just a story i have been cooking for for a little while.

 

If you can't get to it then just wait, the submission may be taking a bit longer than I anticipated.

 

 

As for personaly taste, I am not a fan of the whole ponies into the human world and vice versa as I feel it is a topic played our just as much as pony becoming psychotic somehow.

 

You have some good descriptions such as the shower scenes. The biggest issue - and most distracting for me - is your paragraph style. You need to have the format fit better because the way it is currently reads like you wrote it as a poem more than anything.

 

Work on that and I think you should be fine for the time being

[*Rarity 123]

Unfortunately I don't have much time to spare right now... I downloaded the text, and I'll have it read through to tomorrow, I'm sure it's great. I'll edit this post when I'm finished with it. I gotta do some homework now.

[Natasha 56]

As for personaly taste, I am not a fan of the whole ponies into the human world and vice versa as I feel it is a topic played our just as much as pony becoming psychotic somehow.

 

You have some good descriptions such as the shower scenes. The biggest issue - and most distracting for me - is your paragraph style. You need to have the format fit better because the way it is currently reads like you wrote it as a poem more than anything.

 

Work on that and I think you should be fine for the time being

Thanks for the feedback I'll be sure to write another one up soon. Problem is; my computer spat the dummy and won't launch or uninstall Word. So I had to use notepad. That's the culprit of the bad paragraphing

[DiscordAnarchy 770]

Thanks for the feedback I'll be sure to write another one up soon. Problem is; my computer spat the dummy and won't launch or uninstall Word. So I had to use notepad. That's the culprit of the bad paragraphing

 

Notepad! That scourge of the writing community. Tis a terrible program indeed!

 

Do you have WordPad? I don't know but it may be free from microsoft's website?

 

Try this also:

 

http://www.investintech.com/articles/tenwordalternatives/

[repsol rave 2,963]

 

 

. So I had to use notepad.

oh god that sounds terrible

i wrote my fics in Open Office. it's basically microsoft word, and excel and all that stuff, but it's free!

i'm sure you could find it if you google it.

 

now for the fic:

i like the style you write in. you seem to have the scenery fully covered too.

overall for a first fic i would give this a good 8/10 nice one!

[Lunatic Cake 1,618]

After reading this story, I think it is quite okay for a first time writing. One thing that might be annoying other people is, that there was little to no reference to ponies within the first 1000 words? It really seemed like a diary to me.

 

As for that scene at the end, I know you tried to make it more emotional but it seemed rather rushed to me. I think, they should've spend some more time before that scene happened.

 

Overall I think it is quite okay though, I'd be willing to give it a like, it is not that bad that I would dislike it, because the story wasn't very confusing to me (I still wonder how Fluttershy got into that world though, it's a mystery). It was understandable and easy to read. Aside from that, you should maybe consider reading your story once before you post it, so certain grammar mistakes don't appear.

 

But to tell you the truth, I did the same mistakes in my very first story, so I can't blame you!

 

I'm really looking forward to read other stories written by you!

Edited October 8, 2013 by Lunatic Cake

[Natasha 56]

After reading this story, I think it is quite okay for a first time writing. One thing that might be annoying other people is, that there was little to no reference to ponies within the first 1000 words? It really seemed like a diary to me.

 

As for that scene at the end, I know you tried to make it more emotional but it seemed rather rushed to me. I think, they should've spend some more time before that scene happened.

 

Overall I think it is quite okay though, I'd be willing to give it a like, it is not that bad that I would dislike it, because the story wasn't very confusing to me (I still wonder how Fluttershy got into that world though, it's a mystery). It was understandable and easy to read. Aside from that, you should maybe consider reading your story once before you post it, so certain grammar mistakes don't appear.

 

But to tell you the truth, I did the same mistakes in my very first story, so I can't blame you!

 

I'm really looking forward to read other stories written by you!

Thankyou, I think you're right. I beleive I am going to take it down and try it again with the advice you guys gave me

And this time I'll use wordpad

 

Funny thing is, I know exactly what i did wrong. I got excited about publishing it so I ended it early. Looking back that was a STUPID mistake. I will be re-vamping it and trying again.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Pyris

[Lunatic Cake 1,618]

Thankyou, I think you're right. I beleive I am going to take it down and try it again with the advice you guys gave me

And this time I'll use wordpad

 

Funny thing is, I know exactly what i did wrong. I got excited about publishing it so I ended it early. Looking back that was a STUPID mistake. I will be re-vamping it and trying again.

I posted my very first try on a Fanfiction as well recently, may give it a look soon, I pretty much did similar mistakes like you did.

[Natasha 56]

I posted my very first try on a Fanfiction as well recently, may give it a look soon, I pretty much did similar mistakes like you did.

That sounds awesome, thanks! I would absolutely love to read it some time if you wouldn't mind? 

 

I'm going through the story again, taking my time and dividing it into chapters

[Lunatic Cake 1,618]

That sounds awesome, thanks! I would absolutely love to read it some time if you wouldn't mind? 

 

I'm going through the story again, taking my time and dividing it into chapters

http://mlpforums.com/topic/75493-memories-are-magic/

 

Feel free to check it out! It's probably still full of grammar mistakes and if you notice any, feel free to tell me so I can edit them!