slice of life Shimmering Rain

[LunarEclipse1 22]

Ok, so some of you may have seen my roleplay character Shimmering Rain. I will be attempting to elaborate on the backstory I gave in her characterization. This is my first Fanfic, and I doubt it will turn out all that great, so please leave tips in the comments as to how I can improve my writing technique or any suggestions to the plot. This is just the first chapter!

 

 

Shimmering Rain

 

 

      "Mom! Can't I please go outside?" Shimmering Rain begged one bright, sunny day. It was the middle of July, the skies were clear, Shimmering Rain had a list of fun things to do before the day was over.

     "Not now, Shimmer," her mother Silver Cloud answered. "There's a storm coming." Shimmering Rain glanced back outside at the clear blue sky and frowned.

     "Stop teasing me. There's not a cloud in the sky," she grumbled. Just because I'm small I get treated differently, she thought. Dew Sparkle and Tempest aren't teased and overprotected. It was true - Shimmering Rain was the smallest foal in Ponyville, and her two best friends were bigger, stronger, and a lot freer to do as they wished. There was one other difference between Shimmering Rain and her friends, however. She was a Pegasus, and one of the only ones in Ponyville. Neither of Shimmering Rain's parents were Pegasi, but apparently her grandmother was one, and Shimmering Rain inherited wings.

    Things might be so much easier if I didn't have wings, Shimmering Rain thought miserably. I stand out like a sore hoof. No one seems to like me much, and my parents don't let me do anything! Shimmering Rain sighed as she gazed out at the sky. Her mother had left the room, so Shimmering Rain glanced around, making sure no one else was watching, before sneaking out the back door. From there, she ran up the road to the grassy hills nearby, taking a seat on the soft earth. Above her, silhouetted by the blue, a group of young Pegasi pranced around, testing their wings and practicing tricks with an instructor keeping an eye on them. Shimmering Rain sighed. I should be up there with them. If only I was born in Cloudsdale. If only I wasn't so weak. If only....

    All of a sudden, the sky was clear of Pegasi. Confused, Shimmering Rain saw them landing on large banks of clouds. She could just catch the instructor's voice as the wind began to rise. "Stay calm and don't take off. The weather team is bringing in a summer storm, and your wings aren't strong enough to keep stable in flight yet." Shimmering Rain looked up in surprise as she saw the weather team, a collection of Pegasi, coming in. Clouds drifted over the sun and almost instantly rain came pouring down. Shimmering Rain dashed to the nearest shelter, a group of trees with huge thick leaves that would repel the driving rain. As she watched the weather team working, she felt a flutter in her heart, a feeling of awe and excitement. What fun it must be to be up there, commanding the weather! How important you would be if you brought the much needed summer rain! And how strong you had to prove yourself to fly in such winds! At that very moment, Shimmering Rain knew that she had to be part of this. She felt like she could do anything!

Chapter 2

 

    "Can I learn how to fly?" Shimmering Rain asked that night at dinner. The storm had ended at that point, and Shimmering Rain's family were gathered around the table enjoying their food. At Shimmering Rain's question, Silver Cloud choked on her oats and Bracken, Shimmering Rain's father, stared at her with his mouth gaping.

    "Should I take that as a 'no'?" Shimmering Rain sighed, bowing her head in sadness.

    "Shimmer, darling, what put that idea into your head?" Silver Cloud asked in horror once she stopped choking. "You're too young, and you're not well! If you were stronger, perhaps. But for now you're staying right here on the ground!" How am I supposed to get stronger if I don't get to fly? thought Shimmering Rain.

     "I just...thought that since I'm a Pegasus, I might as well learn," she answered, sensing that her parents wouldn't be pleased with the truth. Her parents looked at each other.

     "Okay, then," Bracken said. "Just run along and play now." Shimmering Rain left the room, but instead of going outside and enjoying the last few hours of light she waited outside the door so she could listen to her parents.

    "What in Equestria could have put that idea in her head?" Sliver Cloud said to her husband. "She's never expressed a desire to fly before."

    "Could she have seen the weather team?" Bracken asked.

    "Impossible. I forbade her to leave the house," Silver Cloud answered. Shimmering Rain scuffed her hoof guiltily. I had every right to go outside! she told herself. But why don't they want me to know about the weather team?

    "But, say she has seen them," Bracken persisted. "That would explain the sudden desire to fly."

    "We can't allow her to fly!" Silver Cloud answered. "The moment she learns, she'll be off. She won't associate with us again once she knows the great skies. And weather is the worst of it. She'll have to constantly travel and work herself to death. She's not strong enough." Hearing this, Shimmering Rain understood. You think I'll leave you forever if I learn to fly. But why does she particularly expect me to be on the weather team? What she heard next answered her question.

    "Silver, you can't go on ignoring what the Princess said to you about Shimmer's destiny," Bracken said. "She said that Shimmer would have an important part to play in Equestria's weather one day, and thus named her. You can't cheat destiny."

     "I can and I will," Silver Cloud answered angrily. "She is my daughter. I decide her future, and no princess's wish will change that. There will be no flying for Shimmering Rain!"

 

***

     "Psst! Tempest!" Shimmering Rain whispered to her friend through Tempest's window. "You promised you'd help!"

Groaning, the stormy gray colt with a black and white mane roused himself.

     "Remind me, what are we doing again?"

     "You are standing guard. I am trying to fly." The two foals sneaked out of town and out onto the meadow.

     "Okay, how do I start?" Shimmering Rain asked, fluttering her wings experimentally.

     "How would I know? I'm an earth pony," Tempest reminded her. "Just try flapping around a bit." Shimmering Rain flapped, but she was going nowhere. "Flap harder," Tempest yawned, "I didn't come out here in the middle of the night to watch you fail. You are going to fly before sunrise if I have to throw you in the air."

“Maybe I should try branching,” Shimmering Rain suggested. “That’s what baby birds do.” She ran over to the nearest tree and stared up in disappointment.

“Yeah, baby birds start up in the tree,” Tempest clarified sarcastically. “How are you supposed to get up there without flying?” Shimmering Rain sat down dejectedly.

“You’re right,” she answered, “I can’t get up there, and I can’t fly. Ready to give up?”

“Yeah, right!” Tempest answered. “No chance of that. You are a Pegasus, and you are going to fly just like everypony else with wings. Let me give you a boost.” Tempest tossed Shimmering Rain up into the tree.

“Wow, I didn’t know you were that strong!” Shimmering Rain yelped as she clung to the branch. I’m so high up….

“It’s not me that’s strong,” Tempest said sympathetically. “You’re just awfully light, which can be a good thing when flying. It means that you don’t have to lift as much weight with your wings.”

“But I don’t want to be light. I need to be as big and strong as possible! I need to be part of the weather team. It’s my dream! I have to!” Shimmering Rain excitedly explained what the weather team did to Tempest. “Don’t you see? I need to be the best flier I can be!”  But then her head drooped. “But I’m too small. I would get blown away in the wind.”

“Look, Shimmer,” Tempest soothed, “you may be small. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be part of the weather team! Work on getting your wings stronger and you won’t be blown away.”

“I’ll still not be able to move the biggest clouds,” Shimmering Rain moaned.

“Then move the small ones! Move the light, fluffy ones that only bring a little rain - the ones that refresh the plants and leave warm puddles, and bring rainbows! Why can’t you bring those?” Tempest said enthusiastically.

“That’s a great idea!” Shimmering Rain warmed to the idea. “It even makes sense when you consider my name. Oh, it’s perfect! Now, since I’m up in this tree already, let’s get flying!”
 

Edited February 16, 2014 by LunarEclipse1

[PrymeStriker 408]

Hi, there! Great story! I'm intrigued by the plot thus far. Just thought I'd give you a bit of constructive criticism for your writing. While a subjectively minor problem, when your character's dialogue is broken up by an attribution of speech, you'll want to keep the first letter of the next quote in lowercase (unless it's referring to a person or place that needs capitalization) and place a comma after the narration in between (Ex: "That's fine with me," said John, "but I expect you to be here by 2:00."). I saw this error a couple times in your chapters and thought I might point it out. 

 

Other than that, there's a few punctuation errors. That's about it, though. Keep up the great work!

[Celestial Panzerhund 289]

Love your story! Make it a fanfic!