How would you rewrite this scene?

[__Duck-Quack__ 151]

Fan Fiction writers I'm going to give you a partial scene I wrote, and your going to evaluate how well I described the scene and any pitfalls I'm falling into. And possibly give your take on how you would write the scene.

 

In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, impacting the girl, the vase shattered with it's pieces viciously carving out both her eyes. Stunned, the young filly callapsed. With the theif now long gone, the girl awakened,blood still tearing from her eyes, she crawled to her mothers body, and she sat there with her for the rest of the night, Though as she wept, in the corner of her eye she felt a familliar glint of light, Beckoning her. END

 

As I've stated this is a PARTIAL scene that does not start at the beginning any details could be cleared up in sentences prior. So, my question?

[Remmie Moore 9]

After reading it, here is my analysis:

 

In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, impacting the girl ^{far too many uses of common nouns in my opinion, using 'the' so many times to describe characters makes it sound clumsy and and awkward when read aloud, it also sounds a bit repetitive and vague. I recommend swapping in some pronouns or proper nouns}, the vase ^{using the vase twice so close sounds repetitive, I'd switch it out for a more descriptive term such as pot, receptacle, or even 'thrown object'} shattered with it's pieces viciously carving out both her eyes ^{I'm not sure whether this is explained further in a previous section but I can't really visualize how a shattering vase could 'carve out' both of someone's eyes, just from being thrown. Some clearer description of what actually takes place may be a good idea, or different wording.}. Stunned, the young filly collapsed. With the thief now long gone,^{this comma need not be here, it breaks the flow} the girl awakened, blood still tearing from her eyes,^{this should be a full stop (or a period, if you're American). Alternatively, for a different sentence flow, keep this as a comma and have a full stop after 'the girl awakened'} she crawled to her mothers body, and she sat there with her for the rest of the night. Though ^{I recommend leaving this word out to preserve flow}  as she wept, in the corner of her eye she felt a familiar glint of light, beckoning her. ^{This feels like a very abrupt stop and feels to me to be slightly jarring. I recommend changing it to 'beckoning to her', or alternatively adding a second part, such as 'beckoning her, calling out to her'. This, of course, would depend on what fits your narrative as that won't work for everything.} END

 

All in all I thought it was pretty good, the only bit that jumps out at me as being noticeably awkward without analysing it is the overuse of common nouns and 'the' at the beginning.

 

hope this helps!

[Digit 321]

Now im not sure, are you looking for grammatical changes or are you asking other writers to give you their take on the scene?

 

If your looking for grammatical moore up there got it, as for how a diffrent writer would write the scene it would be hard to say, this is an active scene with 0 ynderstanding of how we got here. If i were to give my take on it i would need more of the scene. This would be like showing 15 secs of the middle point in a movie and asking how would you build a part of a scene. I understand that this is just a patial to a scene but its your scene without any context another writer couldbre word it but ultimately it would be exactly the same.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Digit

[Remmie Moore 9]

I agree with Digit, an actual different take on it would require more detail, such as character names. For example if I were to rewrite it I would probably go for a more flowery lovecraftian style, which would require a lot more information on the description of items, locations, characters etc. For a new take we would need to give different information, meaning we would need to make up details that might clash with the rest of the scene.

[__Duck-Quack__ 151]

I'm probably never going to finish this, I mostly wanted opinions specifically on word choice but I didn't really make that apparent. Thanks for what you did suggest anyway.

[Digit 321]

I'm probably never going to finish this, I mostly wanted opinions specifically on word choice but I didn't really make that apparent. Thanks for what you did suggest anyway.

The way i write is, i picture it in my head. Not the book but the scene and i just let it play out on its own. Generally seems to flow well and when it doesnt i "reshoot" it. Dont force it because then it is picked up by the reader and trust me it aint fun at that point.

[Sunny Fox 5,952]

"In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, impacting the girl, the vase shattered with it's pieces viciously carving out both her eyes. Stunned, the young filly callapsed. With the theif now long gone, the girl awakened,blood still tearing from her eyes, she crawled to her mother's body, and she sat there with her for the rest of the night, Though as she wept, in the corner of her eye she felt a familliar glint of light, Beckoning her. END"

 

Style:

I think "hitting" sounds better than "impacting". Although using synonyms makes writing a bit more interesting, sometimes simple is better. (Besides, things tend to "impact with" or "hit" rather than just "impact" - although it's sometimes written this way.) That should be complete sentence, use a full stop rather than a comma. This will separate the cause (the vase hitting her) and the effect (the pieces cutting her eyes), and creates a bit of a flow.

 

I also found the phrase "carving out her eyes" a bit strange. "carving out" is more a indication of intention than accident, and indicates a continuous extended process rather than a short-term effect. Rather just say "slashing" or "cutting".

 

Light is always seen, never felt (heat can be felt). So the verb should be "see" rather than "felt".

 

Grammar:

"it's pieces" should be "its pieces" (his, hers, its).

 

"Awoke" is better than "awakened", imo, but that might just be the way I was taught.

 

"blood still tearing from her eyes": eyes can tear, but tears or blood drip. Consider using "blood still dripping from her eyes" instead. If you wish to be poetic, "blood dripping like tears" or "tears of blood dripping" might work better.

 

Since the body belongs to the mother, "mother's body" is needed.

 

Spelling:

"collapsed", "thief", "familiar"

 

I would personally rewrite this as so, but if you wish to preserve your style, you may not wish to make all these changes.

 

In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, hitting the girl. The vase shattered, its pieces viciously cutting/slashing both her eyes. Stunned, the young filly collapsed.

<< A period of time elapses, so new paragraph>>

With the thief now long gone, the girl awoke, [blood still dripping]/[tears of blood dripping]/[bloody tears dripping] from her eyes. She crawled to her mother's body, and [she] sat there with her for the rest of the night. As she wept, in the corner of her eye she saw a familiar glint of light. It was beckoning to her. END

[Jeric 46,860]

After reading it, here is my analysis:

 

In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, impacting the girl ^{far too many uses of common nouns in my opinion, using 'the' so many times to describe characters makes it sound clumsy and and awkward when read aloud, it also sounds a bit repetitive and vague. I recommend swapping in some pronouns or proper nouns}, the vase ^{using the vase twice so close sounds repetitive, I'd switch it out for a more descriptive term such as pot, receptacle, or even 'thrown object'} shattered with it's pieces viciously carving out both her eyes ^{I'm not sure whether this is explained further in a previous section but I can't really visualize how a shattering vase could 'carve out' both of someone's eyes, just from being thrown. Some clearer description of what actually takes place may be a good idea, or different wording.}. Stunned, the young filly collapsed. With the thief now long gone,^{this comma need not be here, it breaks the flow} the girl awakened, blood still tearing from her eyes,^{this should be a full stop (or a period, if you're American). Alternatively, for a different sentence flow, keep this as a comma and have a full stop after 'the girl awakened'} she crawled to her mothers body, and she sat there with her for the rest of the night. Though ^{I recommend leaving this word out to preserve flow} as she wept, in the corner of her eye she felt a familiar glint of light, beckoning her. ^{This feels like a very abrupt stop and feels to me to be slightly jarring. I recommend changing it to 'beckoning to her', or alternatively adding a second part, such as 'beckoning her, calling out to her'. This, of course, would depend on what fits your narrative as that won't work for everything.} END

 

All in all I thought it was pretty good, the only bit that jumps out at me as being noticeably awkward without analysing it is the overuse of common nouns and 'the' at the beginning.

 

hope this helps!

Reading that post makes me wish there was a PHP board equivalent of 'Track Changes'. It makes editing jobs much easier. Good job pointing out cn overuse.

 

 

"In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, impacting the girl, the vase shattered with it's pieces viciously carving out both her eyes. Stunned, the young filly callapsed. With the theif now long gone, the girl awakened,blood still tearing from her eyes, she crawled to her mother's body, and she sat there with her for the rest of the night, Though as she wept, in the corner of her eye she felt a familliar glint of light, Beckoning her. END"

 

Style:

I think "hitting" sounds better than "impacting". Although using synonyms makes writing a bit more interesting, sometimes simple is better. (Besides, things tend to "impact with" or "hit" rather than just "impact" - although it's sometimes written this way.) That should be complete sentence, use a full stop rather than a comma. This will separate the cause (the vase hitting her) and the effect (the pieces cutting her eyes), and creates a bit of a flow.

 

I also found the phrase "carving out her eyes" a bit strange. "carving out" is more a indication of intention than accident, and indicates a continuous extended process rather than a short-term effect. Rather just say "slashing" or "cutting".

 

Light is always seen, never felt (heat can be felt). So the verb should be "see" rather than "felt".

 

Grammar:

"it's pieces" should be "its pieces" (his, hers, its).

 

"Awoke" is better than "awakened", imo, but that might just be the way I was taught.

 

"blood still tearing from her eyes": eyes can tear, but tears or blood drip. Consider using "blood still dripping from her eyes" instead. If you wish to be poetic, "blood dripping like tears" or "tears of blood dripping" might work better.

 

Since the body belongs to the mother, "mother's body" is needed.

 

Spelling:

"collapsed", "thief", "familiar"

 

I would personally rewrite this as so, but if you wish to preserve your style, you may not wish to make all these changes.

 

In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, hitting the girl. The vase shattered, its pieces viciously cutting/slashing both her eyes. Stunned, the young filly collapsed.

<< A period of time elapses, so new paragraph>>

With the thief now long gone, the girl awoke, [blood still dripping]/[tears of blood dripping]/[bloody tears dripping] from her eyes. She crawled to her mother's body, and [she] sat there with her for the rest of the night. As she wept, in the corner of her eye she saw a familiar glint of light. It was beckoning to her. END

 

If I ever need a line editor you got the job!

[Remmie Moore 9]

In panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, hitting the girl. The vase shattered, its pieces viciously cutting/slashing both her eyes.

 

While I agree with the idea that simple is often better, for something like this I would think a more powerful verb should be used rather than hitting, which is a little vague in my opinion, as this part of the scene is quite action heavy in contrast to the second section. I would rewrite that part more like this:

 

In a panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure, striking the girl above the nose, shattering into a shower of porcelain shrapnel, the pieces clawing at her eyes like the talons of some enraged fiend.

 

In a ^{just sounds odd to me without this} panic the unicorn flung the vase at the figure^{​ rewriting this I realize how difficult it is to sue anything other than common nouns without actual names, so if there are no alternate nouns you could use for these characters earlier in the story I recommend you try and add some to give a little variety}, striking the girl above the nose^{if we have more specifics of where the vase hits here, then we can be less specific later}, shattering into a shower of porcelain shrapnel ^{if you have the chance to add alliteration, assonance or sibilance I recommend you do it. it makes for a good flow a lot of the time and also gives you a chance to try and work in some more exotic words without them feeling out of place}, the pieces clawing at her eyes like the talons of some enraged fiend^{adding similes gives the reader a better understanding of the situation and allows them a clearer image of the action, alternatively you could use a metaphor to cut down on length by a couple words}.

 

While the verb 'clawing' may not be best used in this description normally, we have already given to reader the information that a) she is hit by shrapnel from a shattered vase (which is quite a distinct image) and  it hits her in the face, so we already have an image in our mind of the type of damage being caused here, so we have more leeway to be creative with the actual damage later in the paragraph.

 

I do, however, understand that this kind of description is a much longer sentence and it really depends on the flow of the rest of the story as to how long the sentences should be.

 

Also I didn't even consider the tears, genius!

Edited August 15, 2014 by Remmie Moore