Wheatley's OC Reviews

[Overlord0909 479]

When will ya do mine O u O I love getting critisism! Here's mine: http://mlpforums.com/topic/125606-an-oc-of-mine/

[Moonlight 7,286]

Couldja please do Remix? She's chilling in my signature.

 

Name:

 

I have no problems with the name, it fits the oc nicely and it doesn't try to overdo it with adjectives.

 

Appearance:

 

Just wanted to say that I love this design, it's extremely cute, vibrant but not eye-bleeding, and it's pleasing to the eyes. This is honestly one of my favorite OC designs I have ever seen and the headphones are a nice added touch. I recommend not changing anything about the design itself since it's borderline perfect in my opinion.

 

Personality:

 

An unicorn that isn't a Twilight Sparkle rip-off? Amazing. I really like the personality you got going here, it's not a direct copy of Pinkie, Twilight, Rainbow, or Vinyl, it's a perfect mix of some traits of each without being a direct copy or personality-less pony. Not much needs to be said, it's a fine personality and matches her design lovingly. I also like the "prefers close friends over love" part, it's a breath of fresh air.

 

Backstory:

 

I like your backstory you have set for her as well. It's not overly-dramatic but actually rather nice and pleasant to read. It'd be nice to have a description of the friend who introduced her to music (such as design, name and personality), but that's a small critique when everything else is rather nice and since the description isn't needed completely. I personally wouldn't change much, if anything about it.

 

Cutie Mark:

 

It's very cute! I love the design, it's vibrant and leaves off a magical-vibe. It fits nicely against her colour scheme and I wouldn't change it.

 

Overall Ranking:

 

A+, I absolutely love this OC, It has a lovely design, a fine personality, a backstory that isn't overly dramatic, and a very vibrant cutie mark. I wouldn't change a thing about this OC. Well done.

[Overlord0909 479]

*Cross fingers* Hope I did the same...

[Moonlight 7,286]

I'm still working on her a little bit but you can review my progress so far. The link is in my signature.

 

Name:

 

Sun Flower is a nice name for this pony, it matches her design and it's overall a very cute name, no problems here.

 

Appearance:

 

Her hair is obviously just Applejack's, but I don't have a real problem with that. It fits your OC nicely and makes her look even cuter. The vibrant yellow hair sticks out against her grey body but I really like that as it draws emphasis to the cute hair style. Overall a rather cute design, I don't have many problems with it. Good job on making the hairstyle of a canon pony look good on an OC, that's pretty hard to do.

 

Personality:

 

I'm taking some points off for the fact that her personality matches her hairstyle, it's basically just Applejack with some shyness thrown in. I'd recommend changing her personality a bit and incorporate some of AJ's personality, but also including some other traits such as: adventurous, brave, brash, opinionated, things like that basically. However, at least it's not a direct rip-off of Aj and takes some extra details into her such as her shyness. It needs work but I wouldn't say her personality is bad.

 

Backstory:

 

The "putting flowers on her grave" part is something I've never seen before. It's very heart warming, and I'll definitely be adding some points onto it. It's not overly dramatic but it's not cold either, it's the perfect blend. The backstory overall is a nice read without being a copy of any pony I've seen, it's very sweet and hits the right marks, nicely done. Not much needs to be said, I like it.

 

Cutie Mark:

 

Very cute and matches her name, design, personality, and backstory all at once, it's very simple but gets the job done.

 

Overall Ranking:

 

B, for a nice backstory that I'm honestly in love with, a cute design and nice cutie mark, and while it does seem like AJ in some parts, I don't think it brings it down too much. I'd change some traits of Sun Flower here but that's purely up to you. A gardening OC is rare to see and I'm glad that it's not another DJ or Alicorn, or whatever, it's nice.

[Twisted Cyclone 🚓 6,259]

Name:

 

Sun Flower is a nice name for this pony, it matches her design and it's overall a very cute name, no problems here.

 

Appearance:

 

Her hair is obviously just Applejack's, but I don't have a real problem with that. It fits your OC nicely and makes her look even cuter. The vibrant yellow hair sticks out against her grey body but I really like that as it draws emphasis to the cute hair style. Overall a rather cute design, I don't have many problems with it. Good job on making the hairstyle of a canon pony look good on an OC, that's pretty hard to do.

 

Personality:

 

I'm taking some points off for the fact that her personality matches her hairstyle, it's basically just Applejack with some shyness thrown in. I'd recommend changing her personality a bit and incorporate some of AJ's personality, but also including some other traits such as: adventurous, brave, brash, opinionated, things like that basically. However, at least it's not a direct rip-off of Aj and takes some extra details into her such as her shyness. It needs work but I wouldn't say her personality is bad.

 

Backstory:

 

The "putting flowers on her grave" part is something I've never seen before. It's very heart warming, and I'll definitely be adding some points onto it. It's not overly dramatic but it's not cold either, it's the perfect blend. The backstory overall is a nice read without being a copy of any pony I've seen, it's very sweet and hits the right marks, nicely done. Not much needs to be said, I like it.

 

Cutie Mark:

 

Very cute and matches her name, design, personality, and backstory all at once, it's very simple but gets the job done.

 

Overall Ranking:

 

B, for a nice backstory that I'm honestly in love with, a cute design and nice cutie mark, and while it does seem like AJ in some parts, I don't think it brings it down too much. I'd change some traits of Sun Flower here but that's purely up to you. A gardening OC is rare to see and I'm glad that it's not another DJ or Alicorn, or whatever, it's nice.

Thank you for your constructive criticism. Much appreciated.

[Denim&Venöm 18,963]

what is not procrastinating?

 

@@Denim&Venom,

 

Anyway, let's see here:

 

Name:

 

Silhouette Dusk is a rather cool name in my opinion, I especially like the 'Silhouette' part so I don't think the name needs changing or edited at all.

 

Appearance:

 

Personally, I don't like the design, and I honestly can't find a nice thing to say about it. Black/Red is a known bad colour scheme for a reason, it just doesn't look good, especially when combined with grey and being an alicorn. The red gradients on her legs look eye-blinding as well and it looks out of place of the OC. If you like the current design, then I recommend changing the black to a grey (preferably lighter grey), and tone down the reds and remove the regular greys altogether. I'd also say removing the wings or horn or even both to go to a different pony race since alicorns are never done well. The OC overall isn't too pleasing to look at and the necklace looks out of place as well. If you like it, then that's fine but be prepared for a lot of negativity towards it.

 

Personality:

 

Personality-wise, I don't like it either. Being like Twilight Sparkle is fine, but it's a bit too similar to Twilight, and even being friends Twilight and being an inventor of some many things screams 'Mary Sue'. And calling her powers 'God-Like' really throws it into Mary Sue territory. She also overall doesn't have much of a personality to begin with, seeing as how most of it is just being in close ties with canon characters like Twilight Sparkle. I don't have much to review here since I don't really know what I'm supposed to be reviewing. Also having every type of magic is a definite Mary Sue trait, and it'd be better if you went and edited a lot of this. Just make her a semi-normal pony without having so many hook-ups and relying heavily onto other ponies for a personality. Please make a personality so I can review it.

 

Backstory:

 

I can give credit for the fact that this backstory is fairly detailed, but some of it doesn't make too much sense. Namely the part where Sombra and Discord were both ruling at the same time, which doesn't seem to be correct. The whole being encased in ice in the crystal empire seems very Sombra-like, with few details changed. There's not much to say here other than it's detailed but it does have some flaws. Get rid of most of the backstory altogether and work from there.

 

Cutie Mark:

 

The cutie mark just seems like a Luna/Celestia fusion but I can't judge it since there is no picture.

 

Overall, an OC that could use a lot of work. Alright name, bad design, no personality, a slightly boring backstory, and a cutie mark that's not too good.

 

I'd say a F for it.

 

Glad you like the name. 

 

I was going for a grey & red motif w/ silver and red mane/tail. It's not so much that the design is too common, or the perfect description of 'edgy' but more so that I wanted a look that was opposed to that of Celestia. That is one of the main reasons she was made, to be Celesta's opposite in the way Nightmare Moon wasn't. NMM had a working look, but her personality was so stereotypical jealous ego maniac. Dusk is supposed to be Celestia's ideological opposite, a Magneto to her Charles Xavier and she should look the part. She won't carry that weight in appearance if she looks like a regular cast member. Though I am seeing your point w/ the stocking pattern. I'll just say she has a thing for socks. Don't see enough ponies wearing them. Maybe this will look better:

 

 

And for the "necklace", I was actually trying to go for the alicorn amulet. The story is she's the one who made it and it's her power fueling it. 

 

 

Furthermore her powers weren't added on for Mary Sue-ness, but because  she is supposed to be a threat, a pony that pushes the sisters out of their comfort zone. How can she if she isn't godlike herself? Thus also the alicorn requirement, that Luna & Celestia have to fight a fellow alicorn, one that isn't possessed by dark magic. 

 

You may have misunderstood during the backstory, but Discord & Sombra never ruled at the same time. Sombra came first. Took away the crystal empire. The void left behind caused the conflict between the tribes. They all moved south. Discovered Dusk's Equestria. She couldn't help them for long. It was all that chaos that drew discord to power in the surrounding lands. Also her being frozen (and I meant literally frozen) is a good way to introduce her, and having the crystal empire be the thing that breaks her out would be very poetic. The place she was born, started her downfall. The place that started her downfall, is what brings her back to life. 

 

I get your criticism for Dusk being a Twi clone. That was supposed to be herself before the fall of the crystal empire.  It probably would be better to focus on her current mindset. An intellectual w/ loads of charisma & passion. Part revolutionary, part cult leader. Like a mashup of William Wallace, Pancho Villa & Guy Fawkes. She's rallying her nation's descendants to war against Celestia, painting her as an enemy occupier and Equestria an annexed nation. In her mind, the sisters are manipulators taking credit for their ancestors work, while the rest of Equestria's populace are kept in the dark. 

 

In a way, she's an anti-villain, or a well intentioned extremist. She's the type of foe who thinks she's the good guy and you're the bad guy. Her pride, stubborn nature, workaholic mentality, idealized patriotism for the old Equestria and a selfless dedication to her subjects keep her from admitting defeat, thus driving her subjects to feel the same, even to a fanatical extent. All of them would rather die fighting Celestia than live under her benevolent rule. She see's herself a freedom fighter. Everypony else, namely the royal sisters, see a terrorist.  

 

She would like to have a kinship with Twi, seeing some of herself in the young alicorn as a fellow scholar, intellectual and patriot of Equestria. At the same time, she still sees her as Celestia's pet, a naive adolescent who didn't earn her ascension and a pony who puts peace and friendship over justice and devotion to one's subjects. In short, a woefully under prepared pony with potential, who could use proper guidance. 

 

Her cutie mark was something I had difficulty with. I wanted something that was linked to royalty, or showed power and importance. And I think I found a suitable replacement. Focus on her passion for architecture, engineering, city planning and construction. Have designing castles, skyscrapers and cities, literally building an empire, be her thing. 

 

 

maybe a more simplified version of this.

 

 

 

All in all, I want a pony that opposes celestia, but not in a good guy/bad guy way. Both sides think they're good and the other evil. Both pursuing the same goal of securing Equestria's safety and happiness, but though opposing means. She needs to look the part and be powerful enough to play the part. And I want her to be a threat that hits close to home for Celestia and Luna. A threat that comes not from a greedy demonic entity, but a fellow pony rallying their subjects against them, causing a rift within Equestria, and they can't understand why when they've been doing the right thing the whole time.

 

How would you suggest I accomplish these goals with Dusk? What backstory would work? What personality would fit without turning her to a moral antagonist? How does she oppose the sisters without being an alicorn or godlike? What would be a good look for someone to rival the whole regal fairytale princess look?