writing A Breath of Evening (Poem)

[Gordon Freeman 85]

Time yields to beauty in silent awe,

Bathed gold by incandescent master.

A reverie broken by the raven's caw,

Shadows dance and gather, growing ever faster;

A smoldering ember adorns the west,

Darkness rises from the setting fire.

Infant stars greet their fading guest,

Born of that great celestial pyre.

 

Heaven is watched from on high,

Shrouded by its seraphic glow,

Swept up into the night by Aeolus' sigh;

I sail down that river of forgotten woe,

Drifting gently down the soft stream,

I find myself enraptured within a dream.

 

Edit: heh, that reply just made my day, thanks man.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Gordon Freeman

[SCS 7,537]

 

 

This was my first real attempt at creating a poem of any kind, so I would appreciate any constructive feedback on how I might better these lines. I already know that it does not strictly adhere to iambic pentameter and has an inconsistent number of syllables throughout.

 

 

Wow, that was a beautiful poem. Absolutely beautiful. In fact, it's helped inspire me to try to get back into writing myself, something I've loved for a long time but never made enough time for.

 

I love fantastical poems like this that do an excellent job at utilizing imagery and atmosphere to draw the reader into the world (or emotion(s), idea(s), etc) being described.

 

I have very little experience with meter and rhyming rules for poetry, so I can't offer much help there. 

 

One suggestion I do have would be to add in some punctuation at the end of some of your lines. Don't quote me on this as my overall knowledge of poetry conventions is fuzzy, but I think a group of lines that sort of represent a single thought can be separated by commas and end with a semicolon or a period. That would help make it easier for the reader to take mental breathers throughout the poem, and if done correctly can help improve the overall flow of rhetoric.

 

You do an excellent job with using strong adjectives to really evoke powerful imagery in the reader's mind. 

 

Overall I think your poem is absolutely fantastic, and I'd love to read anything else you've written.