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An attempted chilling tale.


Rudehamster
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I couldn't find anywhere else to post this, so this will have to do. The following is a tale I came up with a short while back. Consider these events 'factual' and get into the proper mind frame, the best way to read a story, is to become involved in it.

 

 

 

 

I will start off with a simple fact. Everyone encounters something supernatural in their life time. Sometimes these occurrences go unnoticed... sometimes... In a small town in rural Wisconsin, there stands a house. A house which has remained untouched by time, decay, or any living thing, it has been standing there for as long as anyone can remember, but it seems relatively ignored. From the outside, it looks normal, just as any other house looks, but there is something about this house that makes you want to look away, it feels as if you are being glared at. To this day we are unaware of who went into the house, which is strange, as in this small town, someone knew is treated as an oddity. Others cannot remember the house, it is as if it was simply waiting for curiosity to kill the cat, and leave with its prize.

 

I suppose there is some backstory to be told here. The rumors say that the house was inhabited by a single man who had loved, and lost, he had a wife of 6 years, and a 4 year old son. People say that they were well liked in the community, but never really remember the family doing anything, but then, this man’s life was shattered. One summer night, there was a gas leak, and at around 12:30 am, the levels became toxic. Somehow, the man got out, but it was only to watch his family get covered up with white sheets, and taken away.

 

After that day, the man disappeared, forgotten, alone, and broken. Some say that, in order to stop the pain, he cut out his heart, but the house wouldn't let him die, some say he sits in the living room, waiting, watching, hoping that someone out there will find him, and take his place.

 

Last spring, there was a writer who came into town, I remember him.. i don't know why, but something about him seemed.. off... He told me he was looking for a story, something strange. Immediately I told him about the house. "I will have to check this out!" he said to me.. I regret that day; I feel like it was using me… it allowed me to remember. Maybe to tell this tale, maybe for the sick enjoyment it gets, for I am sure that it knows how much I am tortured every night.. I see people in the windows, trapped and alone. I feel like I am the one on the inside sometimes... Why me. Why is it always me? I have one message. One thing I want to get across. if you ever see a house, one that you don't ever recall seeing. If you look close, you may be able to see the faces. And if you do, don't be tricked, stay away, because while I don't know what happens in that house. I remember the people, the people who were forgotten by all else. I see them, in my dreams, in my mind, I looked in the windows, and they looked back at me. I share their suffering, I feel their pain. To enter that house, is worse than death. At least in death, you stop feeling the pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgive me if it is a bit 'meh' I wrote this a little while back.

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Yes, quite a good story. Simple and yet able to paint a clear/effective scenario in a short subtle manner for the reader and let me tell you that is not an easy thing to accomplish in writing.

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Tis a very good story!

 

Constructive crit:

 

 

I suppose there is some backstory to be told here. The rumors say that the house was inhabited by a single man who had loved, and lost, he had a wife of 6 years, and a 4 year old son. People say that they were well liked in the community, but never really remember the family doing anything, but then, this man’s life was shattered. One summer night, there was a gas leak, and at around 12:30 am, the levels became toxic. Somehow, the man got out, but it was only to watch his family get covered up with white sheets, and taken away.

 

This seems a bit too fast paced for me. This "man" is central to the story, but the explanation of his life goes by a bit too quickly for me. Also, the transition here: "but never really remember the family doing anything, but then, this man’s life was shattered" seems slightly awkward to me.

 

 

But anyway, keep writing! ^^

  • Brohoof 1
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Tis a very good story!

 

Constructive crit:

 

 

I suppose there is some backstory to be told here. The rumors say that the house was inhabited by a single man who had loved, and lost, he had a wife of 6 years, and a 4 year old son. People say that they were well liked in the community, but never really remember the family doing anything, but then, this man’s life was shattered. One summer night, there was a gas leak, and at around 12:30 am, the levels became toxic. Somehow, the man got out, but it was only to watch his family get covered up with white sheets, and taken away.

 

This seems a bit too fast paced for me. This "man" is central to the story, but the explanation of his life goes by a bit too quickly for me. Also, the transition here: "but never really remember the family doing anything, but then, this man’s life was shattered" seems slightly awkward to me.

 

 

But anyway, keep writing! ^^

 

Thanks, I may to a longer re write of this later.

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